As he sat at the table in the high class restaurant, sitting across from a stunning woman, eating Michelin star food, drinking ridiculously expensive wine, he knew he should feel good. He knew it was too much to feel happy but he should at least feel good shouldn't he? The firm was solvent, better than that, it was doing well. They had recovered from the loss of Sweeney and Chum Hum. With his renewed hunger for new clients and the law and Diane's new ruthless streak they were an unstoppable force and things were good again. Work wise.
He sighed and tried to pull himself out of his thoughts. He managed to make conversation and charm the woman. It came easily to him. Many, many years of the same patter was like second nature and he knew that by the time they left the restaurant, he could have her. He knew he could put his tongue in her mouth and pretend. He knew he could run his hands over her body and pretend. He knew he could screw her and pretend.
The thing was, he didn't want to have to pretend anymore. Too much time had passed without it feeling any better. He had expected that over time it would get easier to be without her at his side. Easier to breathe, easier to laugh, easier to live. But it wasn't. Despite all she had done to him, despite all that had passed between them, despite 2 years of her not being there, he felt no different. He felt no better. He felt no less love for her. He wanted her no less than before. The only thing time had done was to dilute his hatred for her and to thaw the ice in his heart and what was left was as pure and unadulterated as before. His love for her. Strong and true as ever.
He felt tired as he said goodnight to the woman, ignoring the put out look on her face. He felt tired as he hailed a cab. He felt tired as he opened the door to his apartment. He felt tired as he laid in his bed alone. He felt so tired of her not being there. He longed for the nights he could call her and just talk. For the nights he could tell her he wanted to know what she was thinking. For the nights he could cover her body with his and feel truly happy for the first time in his life. He couldn't do it anymore. He had to move on and nothing that had happened in the last two years had made him do that so he knew he had to act. He finally had to act.
Morning came and he felt strong, felt that he could do this, see this through.
He dressed and drank coffee ignoring his shaky hands, willing himself to stay strong. With the same shaking hand, he pulled her office door open.
He watched her head raise up from her work. He watched her eyes take him in. He watched her mouth form words. He took a breath and he said it. He told her he hadn't moved on, he told her she was still in his thoughts, in his heart. He told her he had to say this or he feared he would never get over her. He told her that he loved her. He told her that he had a plan. Then he held his breath and waited.
Her hands on his face felt warm, her mouth on his felt soft and sweet. The sound of her words healed him. The final piece of ice thawed and he could feel again. She loved him still and that was enough. The plan would come after. For now she knew he loved her and he knew she loved him still. This was happy. Alicia in his arms and in his heart. This was happy.