9:30AM Michael isn't at the office yet….Jim is leaning over Pam's desk eating her M 'n M's.
"Sooo where's Michael?" Jim asks, noticing he wasn't there yet.
"I don't know, he didn't answer his cell…He's been…" Pam was just about to explain to Jim how weird Michael has been lately. Before she gets the chance to do so, she's interrupted by Michael sauntering in. Okay, picture Michael looking like a total wreck. His clothes are wrinkled, his shirt is half tucked in, his hair is going every which way, and he looks completely tired and exhausted…
"Sorry I'm late guys."
"Michael! What happened?" Pam really is worried about him.
"Did you sleep in?" Jim assumes the answer will be 'yes' since Michael, seriously, looks like he just woke up. Why else would he be late? But…Jim, being Jim, asks the obvious.
Michael sighs, "No. I've been up since 6. Why?"
"Well you're late…so…and you look like you just woke up."
----
Michael/Camera (Still looks like a total wreck)
Sighs, "Jan and I are officially living together. I backed out of the sale on my condo…eBay ended up closing my account!!!! I mean negative feedback is one thing, but closing it? They said it was because I didn't obey the terms of agreement. No body even reads that!"
----
---
Pam/camera
"Ever since Michael and Jan moved in together, Michael has been coming into work late, looking like…well you saw, how he looked…I gotta say, I'm kind of worried about him. Jan moving in is…" Shakes her head, trying to put it in a nice way, "…well you remember Jan. I don't know, I just…I know that this shouldn't bother me, it's none of my business, whatever, but her moving in is effecting everybody here at the office…especially me."
---
---
Jim/Camera
Nodding his head, "Yeah…Jan and Michael ARE living together." Emphasizes, "I am very glad that I do not live in their neighborhood."
---
"Any messages Pam?"
"Yeah, Jan called…" hands him the post-it, "3 times actually."
He takes the note from her and looks at it for a couple seconds. Takes a deep breath, "Alright thanks."
"Aren't you guys living together?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well…didn't you JUST see her then?"
Sighs, "Yeah, but Jan figured out that it should only take 11 minutes to get here and if I don't call right away she freaks out."
----
Goes to the camera and Michael again. The camera is close up on his face.
"Why would I regret living with such a hot woman you might wonder? The answer is simple. Insanity. Let me explain…Jan is very…um…she's very clingy. So clingy to the point that I'm going insane…hence…insanity. She makes me get up at 6 EVERY morning to go running with her, and then we HAVE to have sex, you know? To get us going for the day. As if running wasn't already enough…can I ask you a question? Is running supposed to kill you? Because I think I'm dying right now. Jan says…" Mocks her in a weird voice, "'it wouldn't kill you to lose a few'. Also, she hasn't unpacked a thing. EVERY day she says she's going to, but EVERY day I get home and EVERY thing is where she…no…where I left it, since I was the one to bring it all in. Well most of it, she helped with the light boxes. There were only about 3 of those…so. I mean I realize it's only been 6 days but come on!" Takes a deep breath and the camera pans out to him sitting at his desk. The tone in his voice changes, "but doesn't matter now, because I'm at work, I can relax, drink my cup 'o joe…" As he's talking, he's in the middle of calling Jan, "Jan would kill me if she knew I was drinking this." Mocks her in a different weird voice, "'it's bad for your teeth' apparently. You know what I say? I say 'go to hell-" just then Jan answers, "-o? Hey! I just got here now…so no need to worry." Whoa, that was a close one.
Sounding upset, "you JUST got there? It doesn't take 17 minutes…"
"I know…I got here actually 6 minutes ago."
"I thought I told you that I wanted you to call me the second you get there."
Michael just sighs.
"Excuse me? Were you just sighing? I'm sorry if I want to make sure you're alive and got to work safely….I'm SORRY if..." starts raising her voice.
Oh, what is wrong with this woman? He's too tired to argue so he just apologies, "I'm sorry Jan, I'll be sure to call you as soon as I turn into the parking lot from now on."
"That's all I'm asking."
There's a moment of silence, then Michael speaks up, "are you unpacking?"
"Uh-kind of." She suddenly gets excited, "I found my movies…so I think I'm just going to have a movie day…sounds fun huh?" You can hear how giddy she is.
"Jan those boxes aren't going to unpack themselves." And you can hear how ANNOYED he is. He's actually proud of himself for opening his mouth to 'scold' her.
Jan rolls her eyes and sighs, "I know Michael but I'm going to be here awhile so I have plenty of time to unpack."
"Awhile?" Michael says quietly…just thinking how long Jan's really going to be living with him.
"So what are you doing?"
"Nothing. Just got my cup 'o joe and…"
Jan cuts him off, upset "What?! What did I say about…?"
He just realized that he just ratted himself out. Before she can finish, makes up a lie and jumps in, "And by cup 'o joe, I mean…heh…you see, what the guys in the office and myself mean when we say 'cup 'o joe' we're really talking about...um…water…good 'ol water"
Doesn't believe one bit, "Michael! You're going to get yellow teeth and the caffeine…"
Keeps on lying even though he knows that she's not stupid, "Is decaffeinated and it's a new kind a coffee, to…uh…help WHITEN teeth…so catch 22."
"Fine drink it, whatever. Just don't come crying to me when your teeth are mistaken for a banana!"
"I'll take my chances." He takes a sip and smiles.
There's a brief moment of silence before Jan speaks up, "So what do you have going on today?"
Thinks, "Um…nothing really…oh well actually lots of stuff…Ryan's coming in today to go over with me all of the big changes that are being made now that you're gone. And how we're going to try and make this a better place."
Trying not to sound hurt or jealous, "Oh…I see."
"Yeah…Ryan, he…"
"Wait a minute…is this Ryan? Ryan the temp?" Just realizing who it is.
Excited, "Yeah! He got you're job! Isn't that great? This is going to be so cool! I mean I WAS mad at him for that whole business school thing. But I made him who he is today…he'll be so great! We're going to have lots of fun goofing around…he'll look so cute in his little business suits…this job is just perfect for him…he'll just be sooo great!" Michael is pretty much forgetting who he's talking to, not really realizing that she's very hurt.
"Really? He'll be so great?" Raises her voice, "greater than ME!?!?" She hangs up on him.
Michael cringes, "whoops, I've upset her." Looks around, "what day is it?" He moves the stuff off his big desk calendar, "the 15th?" He grabs a pen, "ok, I have to mark this down," He writes it down, "it MAY be possible that Jan's on her period…if we're living together, I should learn her cycle. You know? The thing with …" Just then there's a knock on the door, "come in." Continues "…woman is you just…"
Dwight enters, "Michael…"
Sighs, "Hello Dwight." He's not ready to play 20 questions with him.
Sounding worried, "why were you late? Are you okay? Were you and Jan boning?" Gives the camera a perverted look.
Get's disgusted, "God Dwight, no, and yeah we were, but use a different term…that one's just weird." He gives the camera a glance, then he looks back at Dwight.
Dwight is excited for him, "I knew it! By your appearance. The hair, the clothes…"
----
Dwight/Camera
"One thing I learned when I was a volunteer sheriff's deputy was-you can always tell when someone just had sex."
----
"Did you need something Dwight?" Sighs again.
"I just thought I could give you some pointers…whenever I have sex…"
Cuts him off, "hold it," Looks at the camera, "you're not having sex…" Looks back at Dwight.
Dwight just looks at the camera with a perverted smirk on his face….
"OohKay…this is getting weird, goodbye."
"But I…"
Annoyed, "I said 'goodbye' Dwight!"
He leaves with his head hanging down.
"Okay, sorry about that. Now where was I before Dumbo interrupted? Oh yes, I was saying that with women…you really should know when they menstruate…because they don't mean half of the stuff they say during that week. You can't even say 'hey how was your day?' without them starting to cry." He really thinks he knows about women. "Ever since Jan has been fired, she has been this emotional wreck. Any time I mention something about work, she breaks down crying. She gets mad at me when I ask what's wrong, then when I just don't ask her, she calls me, how does she put it, 'an insensitive jerk'. Heaven forbid I mention that she should look for a job; she tells me that she doesn't think she can ever go back to work…EVER! Do you know how long EVER is?"
----
Camera goes outside to the office. Ryan is just arriving carrying his briefcase.
Michael comes out of his office, excited, "Mr. Howard! Working at Corporate! How are they treating you over there? Been beaten up yet?" Laughs and looks over at the camera. Ryan doesn't laugh. Michael starts bragging/lying, "you know? They wanted ME to take the job. But I turned 'em down. I couldn't accept my girlfriend's job. They even offered me a HUGE raise, they told me," Mocks them, "we'll pay anything to get you to take this job.' But THIS is awesome! I bet you'll be a way cooler boss than Jan was…except I got to sleep with her, can't sleep with you though," He smiles and looks at the camera. Ryan looks too- he's speechless, "well maybe just once." He laughs, "So what's up? Do you miss us? Ooo ooo! Who do you miss the most?" He's being…well…he's being Michael.
Ryan finally get's a word in, "uh-Michael? Can we go in your office? We need to go over all of the changes that are being made."
"Answer the question 1st. Who do you miss? Who do you miss?" Jumping up and down being very obnoxious.
Sighs, "Toby." This should shut him up.
Michael immediately stops and frowns, "ick-I suddenly don't like you."
"That's fine." Looks at the camera, then back at Michael, "your office?"
He's all depressed now, "right this way sir," He lets him go in first, looks at the camera with a disgusted look, and closes the door. Ryan sits down and Michael takes a seat at his desk all bummed out about Ryan's answer. Ryan notices but really doesn't care.
"Okay…I've made some big changes."
"Last time I heard that, Jan got a boob job."
"Michael-I need you to take this seriously."
"Last time I heard that, Jan was…"
Cuts him off before he can finish, "Michael!"
Laughs, "okay, I'm serious…what?"
"Okay…" about to continue…
"Do you know Jan and I are living together?"
Ryan sighs…this is going to be a long day.
----
Ryan/Camera
"Michael is a child, so I'm going to treat him like one."
----
Ryan's tone in his voice changes…he begins talking to Michael like he's a little kid, "here is a chart…" He hands Michael a piece of paper, "I want you to write down everything you accomplish in a day….at the end…"
"Jan's tried this before, it doesn't work."
He just ignores that and continues, "At the end of the day, based on what you did, you'll get a yellow star! At the end of the week if you have 5 stars you will get…digs in his bag, to chose from one of these!" he pulls out 3 musketeers, snickers and a Butterfinger.
Michael is on to him, "wait! Why are you treating me like a child?"
"I'm not treating you like a child; I just thought this would make work seem more fun."
"Oh. Wait…" Ryan rolls his eyes, "instead of the snickers, can it be a milky way?" He was on to him, that's for sure…for like a second.
Sighs, "Sure."
Happy, "yes!"
Later- Everybody has gone home and Michael is in his office, "I don't want to go home I don't want to go home…" He buries his face in his hands.
Michael is just getting home….its 5:30...surprisingly, Jan has not called him…she must still be mad at him. He walks in, preparing for the worst. As he hangs up his coat, "I'm home!" Jan's in the living room watching a movie. But she doesn't say anything.
Mumbles, "Please-don't get up." He walks to the living room, smiles, "hey you…sorry I'm late," He tries to just act normal and hope that she forgot about earlier.
Doesn't look at him, she just focuses on her movie. She hasn't forgotten and he can tell, but he just ignores that, "hi." Sarcastically, "and don't be sorry, I'm used to it."
Michael notices none of the boxes have been touched except the one marked 'movies' sarcastically, "I see you got a lot done today".
Senses his sarcasm, "I know…its okay though. I have ALL day tomorrow and ALL next week and ALL nex…"
Michael snaps, "I get it Jan! You have ALL the time!"
"God! You're crabby!"
"I'm sorry, I just…" He goes to the fridge to grab a beer, but to find that it is completely gone, "um…Jan? Where's my beer?"
"Oh yeah, I did do something today."
"You got drunk? It was a full case…look I'm sorry about earlier, but you didn't have to get drunk!"
Gets defensive and mad, "I didn't drink your damn beer Michael! And besides, beer is so disgusting and bad for you…I threw it out."
Michael can't believe it, "You-heh-you threw away my beer?!"
Smiles and answers him like it's no big deal, "hm-hm."
"You THREW away MY beer?!" Asks once again to make sure he's hearing her right.
"Yeah. What's the purpose of running when you're just coming home and drinking that?"
"You didn't at least give it to the neighbor for money or anything?"
"Nope, never crossed my mind."
"Look-I know you're still mad at me…"
Playing stupid, "Mad? Why would I be mad at you?" Before he can say anything, sarcastically, "oh is it because you'd rather have the hot temp be your boss than your own girlfriend?"
"I'm sorry I made you mad, but you did NOT have to throw away my beer."
"I'm sorry would you- I'm just trying to watch this," She gestures towards the TV.
Gets mad, "There are thirsty people in this…" he stops and calms down, "You know what? We need to talk," he grabs the remote and turns the TV off
Jan grabs it back, "hey! This is my favorite part." Getting annoyed with him and turns it back on.
Michael then grabs it back, "you can watch it later!" Turns it back off.
"What is wrong with you?"
"I just," sighs, "I can't do this Jan."
"Okay, then we'll do it later," she takes the remote back about to turn it back on.
He stops her and takes a deep breath, gets very serious, "No Jan…I can't do this…" he gestures her and him. "Us-this- living together…this isn't working out…I'm sorry but I…"
Jumps in, "all because I threw your DAMN beer belly drink away?
"No, not all because…that was just the icing on the cake." Remains calm.
"I'm doing you a favor Michael!"
"Look….I'll let you stay here until you find a job and your own place…but we can't be boyfriend girlfriend anymore."
"Really? Just like that? We're done?" He doesn't say anything, Jan begins yelling, "You are JUST like the rest of them!"
"Them? Who are you…?"
"MEN goddamn it! Men-who bail on the relationship without warning first, men-who don't even try to talk it out and work on things! Like when you broke up with me before! I had no idea how bad I hurt you…but it didn't matter to you, you just said 'see ya, we're over. I felt so horrible what I did to you…" her tone changes, she tries to sound okay with it, "This is fine, whatever, because there's nothing you can say that'll change what you said or that'll make it better, so-I'll be out before you get home tomorrow."
"It's not like you have anything to pack…" wow…that just came out like 'word vomit'. He immediately regrets saying that.
Jan breaks down crying, she sits at the end of the couch.
"I'm sorry…that was…that was mean." He sits next to her.
"You know? I was just beginning to think that I was with this really sweet, sensitive, LOVING man …then you go and do what MEN do!" Jan's so hurt right now that things aren't exactly making sense.
"But I am all of those things."
"No-you're just a man…you're the worst they get."
"How am I…?"
"You played me Michael! You led me to believe that you were all of those things then just out of nowhere said 'see ya…we're done.' You Michael are a player."
Defensive, "Hey! I am NOT a player! I am a player hater! I hate men who play."
Jan rolls her eyes.
Michael calms down and takes a deep breath, "I think we moved in too fast-you know? I just, I felt like I had to ask you to move in since you just lost your job and would eventually lose your home…soo by instinct, I offered you to stay at my place…and I'm sorry, but I regret it. Maybe if we were in love, it would've been different and I would…"
Cuts him off, "Wait. If we were in love?"
"Yeah…don't you think that if we were in love, this would've been a whole lot easier?"
Jan responds, quietly, "Yeah." The truth is she just realized that Michael hasn't said that he loved her in a long time…sure she never told him that she loved him back, but really-she still liked hearing it. So Michael saying what he just said about 'IF they were in love' just really cut deep.
"What?"
"Nothing…I just…" trails off.
"What? Was it something I said?"
"No." It was what you DIDN'T say. She decides to just be honest with him. What does she have to lose? "You just-you used to tell me at least every day, if not 5 times a day, that you loved me…I realized that you haven't said it, you haven't said it for a while now and I just…" trails off.
"I guess I got sick of never hearing it back. I just figured that you were probably sick of hearing it…besides maybe that was all part of the game," he say's that last part sarcastically.
Gets upset again, "you're an asshole!" He just shrugs…sure- Michael may seem like he's being a jerk, but when it comes down to it, Jan is the one who's hurt Michael. "So it's true then? You don't anymore?"
"No Jan, it's not that at all. I haven't said it because…" He stops.
"Because?" Jan waits for him to continue.
Sighs, "because you…"
"You know what? Don't. I don't think I want to know why you don't love me…"
Gets defensive, "I never said I didn't love you Jan."
Not caring what he just said, she raises her voice, "You know?! I gave so much of myself to you. I let you in on so many of my deepest fears and hopes and dreams and secrets. Things that not even Richard knew, and for what? Absolutely nothing! Because look at us Michael! Look at us!"
Michael has one question on his mind, "So how come you never told Richard any of those personal things?" Before she can answer, continues on so he can make his point, "is it because he never asked you? Probably because he never really cared?"
Jan ends up defending Richard-for some reason, "Richard was a…a…brilliant, smart, strong, TOUGH man okay…and, and…"
Finishes her sentence, "…and that's what you loved most about him? How insensitive he was? Jan, I ASKED you about your hopes and dreams. I ASKED you about your deepest fears and secrets. I ASKED you about your childhood. Why? Because I REALLY cared about you Jan. I WANTED to know everything about you. It made me fall so deeply in love with you. It defined you-who you were and I loved that."
Jan became pretty thoughtful, everything Michael has said was so true, Jan noticed that Michael was using all past tense…quietly, "loved."
Michael takes a deep breath, "you're not the Jan I fell in love with."
Offended, "What?"
"I don't know what you did with her, but if she could just come back…you never used to scare me, but the last few months…"
"I scare you?" Can't believe what Michael just said and how nonchalantly it was said.
Nods, "well not like snakes do."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" She feels angry with herself. There's a long period of silence (really, it's only like 20 seconds, but it feels like an eternity.)
"So where do we go from here?"
"What do you mean 'we'? You've made it pretty clear that you can't do 'this'. I don't know about you but I go back to New York." She gets up all upset. About to go upstairs to get some boxes ready to move again.
"For the record, I don't want to break up."
Jan stops and turns around, "For the record?" raises her voice, "for the record!!! Let the record show that it doesn't matter what you don't want, because you already did it! Let the record show that I was a horrible girlfriend, let the record SHOW that I love you," breaks down crying, "and if I could do anything to change I would, to fix our relationship, but I screwed up so bad," she sits on one of the last stairs. He sits next to her and puts his arm around her to comfort her, "Michael." She looks at him, "I'm so sorry,"
"Shh…it's okay." He brushes away some of her hair, "what was that thing you said?"
"That I'm so sorry for…"
"No, before that…"
"That I screwed up? Look you don't have to make me realize anymore what a horrible person I…"
"No it wasn't that…before that. You told me you love me. I think you just fixed our relationship." A huge grin appears on Michael's face.
"Wow…" Jan didn't realize how good it felt to say that. Sure she wasn't planning on saying it quite yet, but that's what makes this so special. "…I…I love you Michael. God it feels so great saying that."
"I love you too!" She kisses him again and again and again.
"Well, I better start unpacking." She gets up from the step.
Michael pulls her back down, "its okay, you have all the time in the world." They share a cute smile and he kisses her with passion.