WARNING!!! this fanfic was written during my freshmen year over the course of two months at 4:00 am and contains mucho grande randomness. It is also choc full of inside jokes.. so just enjoy the randomnosity of it.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter (nor do I want to, give me the phelps twins any day wink wink); I do not own Scary Movie 3, to my sadness, i should buy that DVD; I don't own Young Frankenstein, which i should also buy; I don't own Final Fantasy X-2, well i do but not the rights to it; I don't own any of the various phrases from Miss congeniality; The Phantom of the Opera; The Lord of the Rings; Potter Puppet Pals; The Swan Princess (shut up! that I a good movie!); or Alison.
INSTRUCTIONS TO ATTEMPTING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON: If it is surrounded by these "" then it means that someone is speaking. If it is surrounded by these it means that some sort of action is happening. If it is surrounded by these () and italicized then I am speaking as Pingy, Megan, or Megano. All other is usually narrative and other good stuff. For your information, this story has been written over the course of a few months so my insanity levels dropped very very much during the writing of this. For example: When I started writing this, I didn't knwo that Jim was James Potter (or Harry Potter originally) and so that killed a few brain cells and this is the result! Enjoy!
Harry Potter and the Really Messed Up Shit
Harry Potter was walking down the street one day when he walked in to a pole... wait, that was me, never mind. Anyway, Harry Potter was walking down the street swishing his bum when he fell and showed his knickers of to martin and said... wait, that was paige, never mind. Anyway, Harry Potter was walking down the street, ahh screw it. Harry Potter was in love with Ronald Weasly. He wanted to... erm, never mind. I will spare you the highly disturbing mental images. So yes. For the purposes of this story Hogwarts is somewhere (obviously) but i will not reveal the location because all of the Catholics will swarm it with torches and pitchforks because it teaches "evil satanic ways". Only those who follow the clues will know the true location. BWAHAHA!! I win! Oh well... Rose and Jacob will know for sure. That is, if they paid any attention... in italy... where we traveled... once upon a time. So I will not put any clues in and you will have to find it or die trying. I will weep at your funeral if it makes you feel any better for you will never know that its true location is in hidden deep in the foliage of the center of the sahara desert where there is no foliage. WARNING: that made more sense then the rest of the story will. Anyway... on with the show!
So, as I was saying, Harry Potter loves Ickle Ronniekins, and Ronnie loves Hermione, and Hermione loves Draco, and Draco loves Harry, and Harry loves Ron and bla bla bla bla bla. You can most likely already see where this plot is going (and to those of you with more disturbing brains, no not an orgy! Get your mind out of the gutter you damn dirty ape! And to those of you who dislike my stories, no not right up the funhole. And to those who can't read, no not adsjkfhgaslier aedfjh) Okay anyway, glad I got that out of my system. So... ok... i am having no creativeness flooding my brain so i will start this the way that practically all of the Harry Potter books begin.
Harry was in his bed. He was sleeping. Like a sleeping thing. He had a dream. He was in a field of hay or wheat or whatever is cut down to make hay. He saw a fuzzy bunny rabbit. he said, "Hello my furry fuzzy wuzzy adorable bunny wunnie friend! By what name should I call thee?" The bunny began to molt or shed or do whatever rabbits to when their hair falls off and turned into a lovely redhead wearing a jacket that said "button" on it. Err... wait, no, that is Rose, i shall redo the description. ahem the rabbit molted or bla bla bla and turned into a tall, gangly, freckled, redheaded fool who is scared of spiders. This tall, gangly, freckled, redheaded fool who is scared of spiders said, "Tall, gangly, freckled, redheaded fool who is scared of spiders is much much to long! My name is Ronald Hillary Duff Celine Dion Warwick Buck-Moyer Fortune Breast-in-hand Wallace Percival France George Herbert Walker Bush Gay-lover Man-toy Weasly, but you are rather handsome so you may call me Ickle Ronniekins." He winked at Harry suggestively. Harry said something rather suggestive and dirty which i shall not further disturb your mind with. Okay then, if you must know what he said, Harry said to Ron, "Vould you like an rool in ze hay?" Harry then tackled (or pounced, whichever you prefer) Ron into the hay and began rolling about. The hay crop in dreamland would never be the same. Many of the dreamland peasants starved to death because there wasn't enough grain to feed them all. It is all that Harry Potter's fault! They are going to join the Catholics in grabbing their torch and pitchfork and killing Harry Potter for his selfish and sinful way of life. Anyhoo, to skip all of the disturbing, erm, "goings on" that happened in that poor unfortunate corn field or whatever type of field it is. Harry, of course, was enjoying his dream, erm, a lot (shiver of disturbance). So anyhoo, Harry was in the middle of his, erm, pleasure (gags and retches) when Ron spontaneously combusted and turned into none other then hillary duff (more gagging and retching) Harry gagged and retched and woke up. He heard screaming. He sat up quickly and hit his head on a lamp. He fell back on his bed. He heard screaming again. He sat up quickly and hit his head on a lamp. He fell back on the bed (haha, scary movie 3 was funny). Harry, as we all know, is an idiot so he translated that if his head hurt, Voldemort was feeling particularly angry or was close by. The true reason his head hurt was because he is an idiot (like me! but I am not as, erm, odd as little Potter is) So, now we will skip to the train ride to Hogwarts.
Harry was on the train. He was sitting in the compartment with Ronnie and Hermy. Harry stared lovingly at Ron, Ron stared lovingly at Hermy, Draco walked in as he is legally obligated to do during every bloody train ride which includes all of the afore mentioned and Hermy stared lovingly at him whilst he stared lovingly at 'arry. Harry lunged at Ron, planning to kiss him but missed, Ron lunged at Ron, planning to kiss her, but missed. Hermione lunged at Draco, plotting to kiss him, but missed. Draco lunged at Harry planning to kiss him but missed. And all of this in the same instant folks! (GOD INTENDED IT! IT IS THE WILL OF THE LORD! cricket... cricket Erm... that was awkward. Anyway, there was a very graphic knee snogging scene which i don't think i need ot describe in detail for the remaining sanity of my brain is at risk. So we shall skip to the Hogwarts banquet or whatever.)
The hat decided to sing its little song. It stood in the middle of a stadium (shut up! I know that the Great Hall is not a stadium but it helps the coherency of the story... actually it doesn't but it makes confusing all y'all easier. Mwehehehe) wearing its summoner outfit. suddenly, the summoner outfit was replaced with the dress Yuna gained from the songstress dressphere, which belonged to Lenne so it is vair important to the plot. (haha! i love this song!!) so...ahem
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
I can hear you.
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
Far beyond the hazy borders of my heart,
I could see a place.
It's something like this.
Every now and then I don't know what to do,
Still, I know that I can never go back.
There are things I've seen in those hazy dreams
Can't compare to what I'm seeing now.
Everything's so different that it brings me to my knees!
And though I know the world of real Emotion has surrounded me,
I won't give into it.
Now I know that forward is the only way my heart can go.
I hear your voice calling out to me,
"You'll never be alone."
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
I can hear you.
And if I fight, the real without emotion has surrounded me,
And I can't go on, and you are there.
The moment that I close my eyes, you comfort me.
We are connected for all of time,
I'll never be...
And though I know the world of real Emotion has surrounded me,
I won't give into it.
Now I know that forward is the only way my heart can go.
I hear your voice calling out to me,
"You'll never be alone."
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
I can hear you.
I can hear you...
The hat then had the crap beaten out of it my a preppy young blonde girl (Draco is a preppy young blonde girl and don't you try to deny it!) and a baddass punk gothic coolio depressed person (I would say Harry but Harry is not cool like Paine is so pish. Paine gets to play herself for this bit) So then, once the had had the crap nice and beat out of it, Draco transformed back into a man (albeit a girly man) and Paine went to defeat shuyin. So the wizardlings sat down to eat their din dins. Ron was scarfing food down at super speed, a chicken leg in each hand and a piece of pie in each foot. He started choking. He stood up slowly and his hands slowly went to his neck in the "universal sign" for choking (I hated that unit, my dad must have done well in that subject though because that one time I was choking on a pear...). Hermione stood quickly and said, "Hey, hey! are you okay?" Ron looked at her in a perplexed way and suddenly spoke in that loud echoing voice that god usually has in movies (please don't question how that happened, for I truly do not know), "DO I BLOODY WELL LOOK OKAY! I AM CHOKING ON A HALF MASTICATED COW! HELP! HELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP! HEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEE!" Hermione then said, "You are a child, I must have your parents consent to perform the abdominal thrusts" (honestly! sweet jesus! why cant we just say "hiemlich maneuver" and call it a day? But nooooo, we have to say "abdominal thrusts" and sound like you your are plotting to rape the "victims" stomach good lord!). Hermione promptly sent an owl to the Weasly household to gain consent (once again, consent reminds me of rape... why does my mind constantly turn to rape? 'tis an enigma) Continuing... Hermione waited patiently for the owl to return as Ron turned purpler (is that a word? it looks like it is spelt wrong) then uncle vernon, who, as we all know, is the purplest puplerton in all the land. Hermione eventually got the permission to give him "abdominal thrusts". Ron returned to his normal shade of red (he turned red because as we all know he is in love with Hermy so he felt very happy to be abdominally thrusted by her. Erm... a bit too happy if ya know what I mean. awkwardly averts eyes and clears throat) Not one single person in the great hall noticed this going on, aside from Harry but he was too busy looking pale and sad to show any concern. I mean, Sirius was dead! how can anyone expect him to react to a thing as trivial as his best friend nearly dying? life is so unfair.pouts (that was all written from Harry's prospective by the by) I think I will start a new paragraph now
Did you see that paragraph making skill? Continuing on, Harry was eating as much as he normally does (aka nothing). A fight suddenly broke out among the Slytherins and the Gryffendors. The hat stood up and said, "1,000 years ago, there was a great machina war. This song is about how war and fighting tear people apart. (The hats name is Yuna by the way, it is the hero of Spira) so, here's the song:
I know that you're hiding things,
using gentle words to shelter me.
Your words were like a dream,
But dreams could never fool me.
Not that easily.
As the hat was singing, the Gryffendors and Slytherins had stopped fighting and watched the hat. (I have no idea why and I have a feeling that no one ever will. If this story had a plot this song wouldn't be important so if all y'all want to skip the really emotional song then you can just read as far as the italics. Actually, this story is running rather long so I am cuttin gthe rest of the song. I'm pretty sure you get the idea about how emotional it is by the first stanza so I shall spare you. Holly feels my pain)
The hat finished its song and looked up. Tears ran down its face and it crumpled to the ground. Draco turned back into the preppy young blonde girl and I, the with all the godly magical powers of an authoress, dragged Paine out of her battle with shuyin so she and Draco/Rikku could run forward and check to see is Yuna/hat was okay.
THE NEXT DAY!
Harry woke up feeling like he ate too much. After all, he ate a whole biscet (how the hell do you spell bisqet? you know, those little bready things. Hey! if you switch the e with the c in the first way i spelled it it would say "bisect." That's kinda nifty) and now he was fat! he was beginning to look like Dudley! slow motion nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Harry ran to the bathroom to do some bingeing and purging while Ron ate his morning snack of 36 hamburgers, 2 cows, 5 chickens, a moose, a shoe, a lifetime supply of cheese whizz (or cheese wizard, as it is known in the magical world), and one of Hermione's woolen bladders. Then he went to breakfast and ate 10 lb. of pork, 25 sausages, 89 chicken legs, Dobby's tea cozy, Winky, and drank 67 butterbeers and 1 fire whiskey (he was a lightweight and thus very very drunk). Harry walked to potions. Hermione walked to potions. (Megano shouted "ROSE" really loud because if rose is not mentioned in this fan fic I will be sodomized by a flaming sword. Hey! Daystar Clarion is a flaming sword! no one but haley and lauren will understand. tear. I like the word sodomize. I should use it more often. I wonder if it has anything to do with that story in the bible of Sodom and Gomorra. Sodom sounds like sodomize. I wouldn't know, I haven't read it) Continuing, Ron stumbled off to potions in a drunken manner (sigh chance. You know, it isn't good if someone stumbling around drunkenly brings back fond memories... I definitely need a therapist. Did you know that if you placed a strategic space in "therapist" it would say "the rapist?" Yep, i definitely need mental help). When they reached potions the didn't recognize Snape. He was wearing pink robes, he had cut and washed his hair, shockingly he was blonde. Apparently all of the dust and grime which had clung to his hair for the last however long he was living were washed off. If you need a description about how he looked, well, he looked like shifty eyes. well, whispers Legolas. Pingy (the insane bit of Megan's personality is responsible for writing all of this story) is suddenly stampeded by 15 million screaming fangirls who heard the name of their messiah and came running hoping for the slight chance to find him and then rape him... repeatedly. Unfortunately for them, whilst they were busy smashing poor poor Pingy head into the ground Legolas snuck away from her shower where he lived up until about 2 seconds ago because now he is gone. (Ouch) Pingy stumbles into the room with many bones in her body splinted and with stitches across the side of her face. (DAMN YOU DIRTY FANGIRLS!) Megano sneaks up behind Pings and hits her over the head with a very heavy object which she cant remember the name of at the moment. (You may continue reading the story if Pingy hasn't scares the living SHIT out off you yet. If she hasn't you are a very hardy person and deserve a prize of some sort. too bad) The golden trio (as they are annoyingly called in all fan fics I read, MURRR!) walked into the dungeon (which was painted purple and had throw pillows all over the place) and shockingly didn't have 100,00 points taken away from Griffendor when Ron vomited into a pink cauldron and then walked over to Hermione and snogged her like there was no tomorrow. He finished and slurred, "I love you Hermy, marry me pleeeeeeeesh" Hermione merely patted him on the head and said, "Not now dear" whilst glancing over at Draco and giving him the 'come hither' look. Draco paled audibly. Harry stared at Hermione jealously. And after all this Snape did not take any points away! he merely smiled and said,
"100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 points to Gryffendor for each of you!" They all stared at Snape, except for Ron because he had snorted crack at some point and was busy trying to hide from, as he put it, "THE SHARKS IN THE SKY!" time for a new paragraph.
Snape looked around at all of them and said, "the queer eye guys came and made me beautiful!" He struck a pose. "and now the nominees for who they are going to make over next!" The dungeon suddenly turned into one of those stupid award shows. "And the nominees are..." on a big screen a picture of Harry showed up. Harry started crying, yelled, "it's because i'm fat!" and ran of to the bathroom to throw up the baby carrot he had eaten for breakfast.
The next picture that showed up showed Ron. Ron had just hit the bong so he was all, "woah man, sweeeeeet"
The next picture was of erik, the beloved phantom of the opera, without his mask on. Erik stood and sang, "Damn you! you little prying pandora! You little demon! Is this what you wanted to see? Curse you! You little lying delilah! You little viper! Now you cannot ever be free! Damn you! curse you!" Erik then went and strangled Snape with his punjab lasso. Too late Madame Giry ran in and yelled/sang, "your hand at the level of your eyes!" (Seeing as how I am the only person who understands this I shall conclude this.) A young lassie named Flower Child ran into the room and yelled, "Off with your fiendish lies! Erik is perfect! When so much beauty is contained within but a mere person, 'twould be unfair if his face were equally as beautiful." (that wasn't from any semblance of Poto by the by, just my own brain) Erik looked at Megano- i mean Flower Child, and sang, "Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime. Say you need me with you now and always, say you love me" Flower Child broke in singing (but with a voice that was actually good, as will never happen in real life cries), "You know I do" Flower Child and Erik then sang in unison, "Love me, that's all I ask of you" The two lovers then ran out of the room and I promise that the phantom of the opera-ness is almost over. Fred Weasly walked in. He sang, "I gave you my music, made your song take wing and now, how you've repaid me, denied me and betrayed me. He was bound to love you, when he heard you speak! Why Flower Child?" Fred looked off into the distance and remembered Erik and Flower Child's song. He suddenly broke into angry song, "You will curse the day you did not do all that Fred Weasly asked of you!" Fred then began laughing maniacally and running around in circles. ROSE came is and gave fred a vikaden and then ran off and had cat sex with him, then knee sex, then other forms of sex that disturb me more and i would rather not name.
The queer eye guys said, "so the winner is! Ronald Hillary Duff Celine Dion Warwick Buck-Moyer Fortune Breast-in-hand Wallace Percival France George Herbert Walker Bush Gay Lover Man Toy Weasly! Come on up and we will gang rape, we mean, give you a makeover!" Ron walked, or should I say, stumbled up to where the 5 gay men stood. He was having difficulty because he was attempting to inject himself with heroin and eat a cow at the same time so he was having a slight problem seeing as how a) he was very very stoned/drunk/hungry and b) he didn't have enough arms to complete the task. Harry stared after him with longing. I would tell you what he was thinking but it disturbs even I so i will tell you what every tenth word was, "I ... funhole." you get the idea, but hopefully not the picture cause that would be disturbing. (I am getting bored with this story line. I will pretend all of the makeoverness has been completed and blablabla.)
ONE WEEK LATER
Chance walks into the room. he says, "I need to fix something" and takes off his belt. Chris says that he smoked pot. The author points at chance and says , "The only one who smokes pot here is THE HOTT ONE!" She really thought she had said "that one" but NO!!! Her subconscious is evil! ffft fft fft fft.( that was me hissing like a cat by the by. I have no idea why. hey that rhymed!)
ONE DAY AFTER ONE WEEK BEFORE
Ron is being trained by the people from extreme makeover because the queer eye guys didn't have enough godly power to make him beauteous. Ron was trying to sneak some donuts away from the table because the extreme makeover people wont let him eat. He was caught shoving donut after donut into his robes. as they deprived him of his beloved donuts he wept. They raped him. Then they raped him again. (I don't know why. Ron didn't take it as punishment. He liked it. He was pretending it was Hermione. Even though Hermione is supposed to be a girl so she shouldn't have one of those. Doesn't Ron know something I don't? Ok, i am dropping this subject.) Ron ran away shouting "DONUT NAZI" repeatedly when they took his last donut though.
TWO MONTHS BEFORE ONE MONTH LATER
Harry took a poo. ROSE!
THREE MONTHS LATER
Harry took another poo ROSE!
ON THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS
Harry whispers "penis"
Well... now that you are good and confused, i will continue with a semi coherent story. Harry was walking clothed only in a towel for he was returning from the prefects bathroom when he saw Dumbledore dancing around nakedly so he passed out. Draco came along and, of course, drawled (can the boy do anything else?) "hmmm.. i see an unconscious, and unprotected Harry Potter alone and semi naked in an abandoned dungeon and i happen to want to ravage him to within an inch of his life. Hmmm.. what to do... Shall I knit? Shall I tap dance? Shall I rape him? I chose option three.
INSERT SEX SCENE THAT I WOULD REALLY RATHER NOT WRITE
In the middle of the rape fest Harry began to wake up so Draco stole Harry's glasses so Harry's vision would be blurry and put on a Ron mask because everybody knew that Harry was head over heels for ickle Ronniekins. now just to bug jacob who is reading this as I type it
INSERT A REALLY REALLY GRAPHIC SEX SCENE WITH Ron Draco Harry AND Hermione. I WANT TO WRITE THIS ONE NO MORE THEN I WANT TO WRITE THE LAST. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT
Ok now, jacob has been thoroughly disturbed so I shall retire for the night.
Now, three weeks later, Harry james Potter was innocently dancing around the abandoned Quidditch field to blasting techno music. Suddenly, Jim walked in and pointed his wand as Harry (no that wand you sick fucks!) and said, "YOU IMPOSTOR! I AM THE ONLY Harry Potter!"
Harry calmly replied by saying, "you can't be. I do not deny that there is an uncanny resemblance between the two of us, but I am afraid that your eye and hair color are incorrect." A volume of Harry Potter appeared out of nowhere with a dull poof and fistfuls of fairy dust. A small pair of those really annoying and ineffective librarian glasses appeared on his nose. Just because the author of this story is bored he was suddenly decked out in in full librarian regalia, a really nerdy dress and really oversized white socks. He cleared his throat pointedly and, since he held the threat of rape over her head, the author meekly changed him into the outfit that he had originally requested.
Once Harry was standing in front of one of those church podium things and wearing the clothing of a priest or minister or whatever the hell you call the people who give the endless speeches on the weekend he began to preach. "John 3:8. And the lord sayeth that nay shalt thine own Harold james Potter be the possessor of any hair pigment other then the black of thine own lord's night sky and thine eyes green as the blades of grass in the middle of thine lords own springtime." Harry then looked at Jim in a very cocky and arrogant way as if to say that he had proved a point.
Jim however, had planned for this setback and spake thine time honored incantation, "Pigmentus convertus" The real Harry Potter was tragically transformed into Daniel Radcliff. "NOW YOUR HAIR AND EYES ARE THE WRONG BLOODY COLOR! DEFEND YOURSELF YOU MINION OF EVIL! I HAVE BEEN SENT ON A MISSION FROM GOD HIMSELF TO RID THE WORLD OF YOUR SCOURGE" screamed Jim in an only very slightly insane voice. Megano and Haley backed away slowly. "BWAHAHAHA! SINCE YOU ARE NOW THE MUGGLE DAN RADCLIFF YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR WAND!"
somewhere in the distance a small group of girls who attend atascadero high school started laughing at the double meaning that could be placed upon his words.
"True" the real/newly fake Harry Potter said. The he leapt forward and plunged his wand deep into the flesh of Jim.
now those same girls were whimpering/tweakering/screaming/committing suicide/murdering Pingy over the double meaning that could be applied to those words.
Long story short jim died managing to whisper just before he did, "Harry, i lied. I am truly your father, james" he then died. Because of the obvious lack of a cliché so far in my writing tonight it began to pour rain as Harry began weeping and rocking his fathers body back and forth. It wasn't until much later that Harry began to wonder how a guy (i hesitate from saying man because it just seems weird to call someone my own age a man) who was younger then his was his father. When he questioned Dumbles, he replied by winking and cryptically stating, "Everybody has a little secret." He then went and snorted 2 lines of coke so Harry ran away before anything potentially dangerous could happen.
(I am extremely bored and so I am going to have Harry go on a niiiiiice little tangent from Harry's point of view about how life is unfair for him because god knows he has a lot of those.)
Harry stormed up to Dumbledore's office. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" he screamed. Harry's wand made a small "pew" noise and emitted a small green flash and the goldfish died before Harry's wand battery died. "FuCK! FUCK! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! This shit always happens to me! all I wanted to do was come and bust a cap in yo ass and my friggin wand has to die! why?why?why!? Woe is meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I never asked to have voldie kill my parents. bus he did. I wanted to die then but nooooooooo! my mother had to love me and i was left to suffer on when i would rather die." Dumbledore nodded in the way you do when you are talking to a chemically imbalanced person and slowly began to edge towards his escape pod. Harry didn't notice because he was writhing in his own tragic mental agony so... "Damn that bitch! Why couldn't i be unloved? She loved me then died and no one in the world loves me now! I have nothing to do! Voldermort wont return my calls and Hermione and Ron are off shagging. Why wont he have sex with me? I am soooo much prettier then Hermione is. She has bushy hair and ugly teeth but me! I have soft flowing hair that I condition nightly and then I give it no less then one hundred brush strokes on each side. Draco is sooo spoiled. Jesus just gave him his naturally gorgeous hair whilst I spend hours upon hours making it stick up in this I-dont-care-how-I-look way and it makes all the girls think I am like so totally hott. And my teeth! Look at these vibrant glowing beacons of whiteness! I am beautiful! You hear me! I am FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! But Ronnie doesn't love me! why! why! in gods name why! Look at this!" he pulled endless amounts of fan mail out of his pockets. The fail mail kept flowing from his pockets until the room was halfway filled. Dumbledore had long since escaped in his escape pod so Harry was shouting to fawks, but then fawks burst into a flame and actually died to escape the bitching boy. Fortunately he had only decided to carry a small portion of his fan mail with him today so it wouldn't weigh him down since he was already suffocating under the weight of his agony and angst. (I for one thing he was overcompensating for something if you know what I mean.) "SO WHAT IF I AM BLOODY OVERCOMPENSATING FOR THE SIZE OF MY PENIS! I AM IN MENTAL ANGUISH HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE! RAR! GRR!"
(Oh shit) muttered the author. She had forgotten to turn off the narrative intercom and Poor Harry had heard her musings. (Damn. Now I must hide for Harry is going to chase me with his wand. I am very scared and would rather die then face that horrible horrible fate. ACKKK! HE HAS FOUND ME! FAREWELL CRUEL WORLD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!) various noises of painful suicides
Now, despite the fact that I, the authoress, am dead (I ripped all of my toenails out then leapt into an airplane engine then fell 2,000 feet to the depths of hell and had pineapples endlessly thrown at my head just so I would not have to face being raped by Harry Potter shivers with disgust) The story will indeed continue. (for the record, I didn't quite die. I was only mostly dead. There is a vast difference between mostly dead and all dead. Miracle Max brought me back. I now go by the alias of Chesterton Snapdragon McFisticuff. Harry doesn't know that I am still alive. triumphant laugh. Oh and by the way, I am not quite sure that I am indeed the author of this story. I sure as hell have no control over it because if I did Harry wouldn't have tried to rape me now would he? I can assure you that there is no way in hell that I would want that.)
The clouds part and god appears in the sky GET ON WITH THE STORY OR I THINE OWN LORD SHALT SMITE THEE AND THEE SHALT BE SMOTE!
Oh sorry, I don't want to be smoted. So, after Harry's little rape attempt he went off to Mordor to kill Frodo because the lord of the rings movies won more oscars then The Harry Potter movies. Harry had VENGEANCE in his heart.
"Nasty little hobitses they stole it from us!" He muttered to Hedwig while plotting in his room in number 4 privet drive (it is summer in the story by the way, my near death scene took awhile). "Wicked! tricksy! false! we ought to wring its filthy little neck!"
Uncle vernon came storming up to Harry's room. He barged in yelling, "I hate you! You muttering fool! A NEST OF VIPERS!"
"A POX ON YOUR FAMILY!' Harry screamed in retort.
"YOU ARE PART OF MY FAMILY YOU LITTLE SQUIRT! Now," he began again in a vastly more reasonable tone, "If you would bear to part from your precious mutterings for long enough would you care to join Duddykins, Petunia, and I in our the lord of the rings marathon? They won 11 oscars in 2003 you know."
Harry nearly spontaneously combusted. "STUPID FAT HOBBITS! THEY STOLE THEM FROM US!" he then proceeded to bite a fishes head off, strangle his best friend Deagol (shut up, i know Deagol isn't his friend. I'm just playing innocent mind games with you) and strangle a spider which he had named Sam (ironic, sam killed Shelob and now he is a spider. I didn't mean for that to happen. I am in editing stage right now and just adding in bits and pieces because i have no life. I LOVE THE FRENCH! Continuing...)
"I'll take that as a no," Vernon said before quietly closing the door and leaving Harry to trash the room. (I will now insert various animal noises that Harry made for no reason other than the fact that I AM GOD! Mwehehehehehehehehe–) is cut short by being tragically smote by god (hehehehehehehehehehe) the maniacal laughter continues (It turns out that I am actually slightly in control of the writing and this I am INVINCIBLE MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE–) is cut short by the masses rising and duct taping mouth closed. (fine then. I can still write though so haha! Oh yeah... the animal noises:)
"RAR! GRR! ROUGH! BARK! MEOW! FTT! FTT! FTT! TWEET. nose wiggle, nose wiggle HISS! SLITHER! BARK! MEOW! ROAR! I AM I am Yaou and I am king of the rock! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Megano sneaks up behind Harry and hits him over the head with a biiiiiiiiiig rock. Eternal silence descends Bow chicka bow wow(damn. I didn't account for the porno music. The MUSIC mind you and ONLY the music) bow chicka bow bow chicka bow wow chick bow. (Sighs. Damn. Now I must make Harry regain consciousness for Jesus is surely punishing me with dirty though inducing music for harming him.) brings Harry back to life. His eyes focus on Megano
"Hey... do I know you?" he inquires.
(Erm...) an image of his pledge to rape me comes to mind (Nope)
"Are you sure?"
(Nope) damn my stupid tongue! (erm.. i mean yep)
"Do you?"
(Huh?)
"Hey aren't you–"
(What?)
"Are you–"
(Who?)
"I really think you're–"
(Why?)
"Because you–"
(Nope)
"But I–"
(Nuh uh)
"I could have sworn–"
(Nope)
"But–"
(No)
"You are–"
(N-no)
"Yes!"
(N-n-no)
"You are–"
(I'M NOT!)
"Pingy!"
(AHHHHHHHHHH! No! I beg mercy!)
"NEVER!"
(You sure?)
"yep"
(Positively?)
"Oui"
(Really?)
"Umm... yes?"
(Why?)
"You just admit–"
(No I didn't)
"Yes you–"
(Nope)
"You sure?"
(yep)
"Really?"
(Yep, I'm really Chesterton Snapdragon McFisticuff)
"Really?"
(Yeah)
"You sure?"
(Kind of)
"Kind of?"
(Yeah)
"You aren't sure?"
(Uh... yeah)
"Wait, so you are sure or you aren't sure?"
(I'm not sure)
"So you are not sure that you are this Chesterton fellow"
(No, I'm not sure whether I am sure or I'm not)
"So you aren't sure"
(yeah)
"But you are a woman"
(No I'm not)
"Yes you are"
(No i'm not)
"Yes you are"
(Would you like me to prove it?)
"Hmm..."
(AKKKK! Get that pervy look off of your face you horny horny male!)
"So you are a woman!"
(I never said that)
"yes you–"
(Nope)
"But–"
(Nuh uh)
"but you have to be a woman!"
(Why?)
"Because, you have long hair!"
(So does kyle.)
"You look like a woman!"
(I could be a transvestite)
"You have breasts!"
(Oh yeah, forgot about those)
"So you are a woman!"
(I could just be very very fat)
"Aye you could"
(Yes I could)
" I still think that you are Pingy."
(And as an answer to that I must say– hey look! a seagull!)
"REALLY!!!!!!! WHERE! WHERE! WHERE!"
(haha. Idiot.) skitters over to my own private escape pod and speaks directly to the camera which is filming this sad sad excuse for a plot. (I must be on my guard from now on. He knows I am alive and he will seek his vengeance on me. At least he seems to have forgotten about killing Frodo.) hears a distant scream and a maniacal laugh (Erm.. apparently not. At least I know he can't find me here in outer space)
distantly "Oh Pingy... where aaaaaaaaare yoooooooou?"
(Shit. Must... formulate... escape... plot...)
Draws closer "Oh Piiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngggggggggyyyyyyyyy."
ridiculously high pitched voice (I have a plan)
"Where aaaaaaaaaare you?"
(I'm right here!)
"Where"
(A bit to the left)
"I don't see anyone!"
(ALRIGHT NOW SHOOT HIM!) bang bang! bang bang!
"Ble. I have died. Thou hast killed me."
(No moust hasn't)
"Moust?"
(Shut up if you wish to live) places katana at the BIG important artery in Harry's neck
"Mmmmmkay"
(Thank you. Now, since if you die I will have nothing to do (meaning WRITE about) to entertain myself. Thus I would wither away into nothing except the reservation in hell which awaits me. So, since I am the all-powerful authoress, thou shalt LIVE! YOU ARE ALIVE! MWEHEHEHEHEHEHE!)
"Wow! thanks!"
(So you won't rape me then?)
"Not today at least"
(all right then, I will spent all of the time I have running away so thou cannot find me when thou departs on thine quest.) departs on quest and mutters to self (Okay, I shall hide in Saint Peter's Basilica. Harry would never venture there and I can be safe from his wand!)
Harry, however, heard my plotting for I had left the narrative intercom on once again. He shook his head, "Wow. She did something smart for once. She knows that I wouldn't dare go to the center of Catholic territory. They would gang rape me and feed me to Neville's toad. Smart move there bucko!"
(Hahahahahaha. I am watching the first Harry Potter right now and they are so ickle! They are really bad actors too but we don't talk about that. Anyway, I am now safe in Saint Peter's Basilica and I am safe from rape here. On the other hand the priests want to burn me for witchcraft because I was caught floating on my back and as we all know, whiches are the magical power to float in water. Stupid little shits. This story will be presented to all y'all on monday. It is sunday today (it has been for a whole 15 minutes!) so the sanity level will drop even lower in the next 24 hours.)
"Must... formulate... rape... plot..." harry muttered to himself.
(Ha ha! I have hidden in the Pope's room. They would never look for me here and Harry is allergic so I am SAFE! W00T!)
Harry hit himself over the head with his firebolt. "Must... rape... something..."
(I once again wonder why I am so obsessed with rape. Oh well. I will never know)
Harry began wreathing about on the ground. "MUST... RAPE!"
(Hmm... I am feeling the shadow of pity. Still doesn't mean I will let him rape me)
Harry began ripping his hair out and bleeding from his eyes. It was a rather grotesque picture. "PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!"
(No)
"I beg of you!"
(Nope)
"But–"
(I tell you once and once again, NO!)
"But I'll die!"
(No you won't. I am the author and I have the power to keep you alive)
"I am Harry Potter and I have the power to rape you" pounces on Megano
Megano uses her authoress powers to freeze Harry in midair (How the hell did you safely manage to enter the Vatican? I mean, despite the fact that you are obsessive compulsive about raping me, that takes skill)
"Murf" Harry was frozen in place and thus could not move his mouth, only make muffled noises.
(Murf? Interesting...) writes it down in a small notebook
(umm... hey y'all. I was thinking that maybe I should return the story line to Hogwarts because I am starting to kill off even my own few brain cells and I need to restore the sanity level to something that exists)
Harry suddenly poofed back to Hoggy Warty Hogwarts and landed right atop of Cho Chang.
"WOO HOO!" He cried. "RAPE FEST!"
And the lord spake. Himself sayeth, "And then thine Harry Potter thus did rapeth Thy Choeth Changeth."
(aparently the "restoration of sanity" plot failed)
IN DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
"Oww"
"Crucio!"
"Owwie"
"Lumos!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
And thus did Chance (otherwise known as "the hot one" grrr. that was an angry grr by the by) kill Dumbledore and take over his position as Headmaster and resident drug dealer.
IN ITHILEN
"We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious! They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobitses. Wicked. Tricksy. False."
"No. Not master."
"Yes Precious. False. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie."
"Master's my friend."
"You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you."
"Not listening. I'm not listening!"
"You're a liar and a thief."
"Nope"
"Murderer!"
"Go away"
"Go away? Hahahahaha"
"I hate you. I hates you"
"where would you be without me? Gollum. Gollum."
"I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me!"
"Not anymore!"
"What did you say?"
"Master looks after us now. We don't needs you!"
"What?"
"Leave now and never come back!"
"No!"
"Leave now and never come back!"
"Mreeeeeeeeee!"
"Leave now and never come back!" looks around "we told him to go away! and away he goes precious! Gone gone gone! Smeagol is free!
"
And thus did megano insert a bit of a movie that is Harry Potter's Mortal enemy. (Oh shit! Now Dobby want to kill me! It's not my fault that Dobby was modeled after Gollum! Blame J.K. Rowling! Not me! I really wish this story had a plot. Sings off key and missing some of the words a dream that you wish blah blah blah. when you go to sleep. hold on to your dreams and something blah blah blah doo dee dee da da)
(Harry potter wears fagotty pants.)
"NO I DO NOT!"
(Damn. He is finished with Cho faster then I thought he would.)
"RAPE! RAPE!"
"Who is raping you Harry?" inquired Draco, wondering if he could join in (See! I returned to the partial plot that I had!)
"NO ONE IS RAPING ME YOU PALE, ALBINO, VEELA GIT! I AM GOING TO RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!"
"Who, might I ask?" Draco questioned, hoping it was him.
"PINGY!" Pingy sneaks away "BUT SHE IS SO FRIGGIN HARD TO FIND AND ONCE YOU DO FIND HER SHE USES HER AUTHORIAL POWERS TO ESCAPE ME!"
"So... You wouldn't be interested in raping, oh i don't know... me instead?"
"Hmm..."
"Come on harry me lad. You know you want to, and trust me. It would be totally forced. I don't want it at all."
"I'm listening"
"To what"
"Hell I don't know... lets go"
"YIPPEE!"
"You said you didn't want it"
"erm... I don't..."
"Then why–"
"I didn't"
"Oh okay... lets go... but let me rape Pingy real fast"
"all right, hurry"
"Oh Pingy!"
runs up and kicks Harry hard in his manly area
"Shit! Why Pingy! now he won't be able to have sex with me! you broke his bloody broomstick!" Cried Draco
(sorry, self defense you know)
"damn you Megao!" Draco wept brokenly
(Wow. I feel pity. Strange)
"Fix him!"
(Let's think about this)
'You won't let him die!"
(Was that a threat?)
"Don't you dare let him die"
(OOOh! It is a threat!)
"You're the only one with the power! so do it!"
Pingy turns into the "great beast". it is something like a dragon/fox/really demented thing that has nasty big pointy teeth and probably grew up next to a nuclear wase facility
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
Changes back (I thought so)
"I'm sorry to hear about your broomstick" said Snape (shut up, I know Lupin says this in the movie. By the by, in the movie, why are he and Harry always walking about unattended in the forrest. What could they possible be doing? Hmm...), "Is there no chance of fixing it?"
"No. It's too late. It's ruined. It'll have to be chopped off" (Ron said that in the 3rd movie I swear to god. He was referring to his leg of course but that is beside the point.)
"Oh dear. That's too bad. Anyway, I have to go meet Firenze."
"Really? Why?"
"Erm... couch buttsex cough..."
"Oh"
"Yeah"
"Ok"
"Yeah"
"Have fun"
"Believe me, I will"
"all right"
"Yeah"
Snape leaves Harry alone sitting on a rock
"I am all alone!" snifflewhimper "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Harry!" said Hermione. "What happened?"
"Erm..." He knew that he shouldn't tell Hermione that he was secretly in love with Snape as well as Ron. And he knew that Hermione wouldn't want to know what Snape was doing with Firenze so he decided to make up a but load of nonsense "He was their friend and he betrayed them. HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!" then he wept.
"Oh Harry." Hermione lamented, before she went off to rape Draco. (I really do need to get my mind off of rape. Once again, I would call a therapist, but their name contains the word rapist so it really wouldn't help)
Harry was brushing his hair in frount of a mirror sining (off key of course) "I feel prety! oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! and I pity any girl who isn't me today! LALALALALALALALALALA"
You see, Harry was happy because he had made plans. Important plans filled with rape (I think this story has taken on a theme).
"Ronald weasly shall be raped!" snarled Harry
Someone heard him and warned Ronald of Harry's impure (and against the bible's teachings I might add. The Catholics have traded in their Pitchforcks for Oozies) intentions. Ronald was like a startled rabbit (hmm, reminds me of the dream sequence at the beginning of this sad excuse for a story... hey! I have foreshaddowing! woo!). Every whisper of sound caused him to spin around. He had gone all bug-eyed and he was more pale then Draco (gasp!). The parinoia proved to be his undoing however. Whilst he was busy spinning around out of controll Harry strolled up and ripped his clothing off. He then ravaged– (Holy fishsticks Batman! I can't believe it! How is it possible that in a story dedicated to rape there has been absolutely none of the Weasly, or phelps, twins? 'Tis blasphemous. actually, the bible probably frowns upon rape so maybe it isn't so blasphemous.)
THE SAGA OF THE WEASLY TWINS
Fred: Hey
George: Do you–
Fred: Have any–
George: Way to–
Fred: Help us–
George: Hide from–
Together: The rape of pingy?
(If you haven't noticed, I am pingy)
Together: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! both run away and comit suicide
(damn)
Thus concludes the Saga of the Weasly Twins
REVENGE OF THE FLOWER CHILD
"And I was like, 'not me, not now' and so we broke up and I am Hillary Duff so he should have fought to hold on to me but he didnt and now i hate him because he doesnt want me even though i broke up with him and I made out with Gordo (which means fat in spanish) in the Lizzie McGuire movie. Jacob told Megan becasue she wouldn't get anywhere near that movie."
(Interesting)
"Isnt it!?"
(No) presses a button and hillary duff's head explodes into a flaming ball of blood. dont ask how it is possible
And thus did the scourge of Hillary Duff disappear off the face of the world forever. All of the elves danced and sang and the shugarplum fairies smoked weed untill... HOLY SHIT! IT IS HILLARY DUFF'S SISTER! RUN!
(Not to wory my magical bretheren) Leaps upon Hillary Duff's sister and tears her trachea out with teeth befor feeding the corpse to General Zargoffs dogs (Now that that is over,) blood drips down Pingy's chin (I do believe that that is the happiest ending that I could ever manage to conjure) wipes away a tear (thank you and I appologise of any dain brammage this story may or may not have caused. Oh, and by the by: Please do not critique this story at all. It was merely an attempt to entertain myself. It has fulfilled that role though so I am just spreading the love.)