"Good morning, Gojyo."
Damn. "Hi," was all he could manage in response as he stepped fully into the room and closed the door behind him. Hakkai stood with his back to Gojyo, folding clothing to be packed; they were heading back out on the road this morning. He had not yet donned his shirt and over tunic. Gojyo could not help but admire the beauty of Hakkai's back in motion, the way toned muscles rippled, bunched, and relaxed as he went about his work. The hanyou bent down to place his boots neatly beside the door, just as Hakkai always asked, and he never did.
Hakkai went about his task, unable to turn around, unable to walk away. He ground his teeth in frustration, anger and sorrow. It was dawn, and Gojyo was slinking in here like a criminal, somehow expecting Hakkai to be sleeping? A knot that had formed in his stomach sometime during the night tightened, almost physically painful. As he folded one of the other man's shirts, he raised his head to look out the window.
The sun was just cresting the hills in the distance, gilding them in liquid gold. Clouds on the horizon, dyed in shades of pink, violet and red, heralded the rebirth of day. Hakkai inhaled deeply, as if he could draw in the serenity and splendor of this unique moment, to hold it inside that it might soothe his aching heart. It could not, and he exhaled, feeling that ache grow and burn in his chest. It was only a sunrise, after all.
"Sanzo wishes to leave early today, so you should hurry. Goku will have breakfast demolished if we're late," Hakkai struggled to keep his voice steady, unaffected.
"Hakkai, look," Gojyo began, taking a few steps across the floor to stand behind the brunette, "I- "
Hakkai went stiff, lifting his head, but refusing to turn around. "Gojyo, please go get into the shower," the youkai interrupted.
"In a minute," Gojyo countered, a slight tone of frustration in his voice. He was afraid; Hakkai was not even acknowledging the situation. A hitch developed in his breathing, and a tight ball of white-hot fear had lodged in his gut, but he was determined to see this through.
"Gojyo, you smell like a cheap whore. Go shower, now. Please," Hakkai's words were like steel encased in velvet: unexpected and painful.
Understanding that this was not the fight to pick, Gojyo hung his head and stepped back a couple of paces. "You'll be here when I get out?" His voice was small and uncertain, though he tried to mask it.
"Aa," Hakkai replied wearily.
While the kappa showered, Hakkai finished packing, then began to tidy the room. He was fully aware that this was someone else's job, but he liked to make other people's lives easier when he could, and besides, he needed the occupation.
He had tried to sleep as the long night passed around him, but the very silence was a bar, screaming loudly in his ear. He was used to the sound of his lover's breathing now, and its absence was deafening. Hakkai had lain awake, a stranger to slumber as a stray thought turned into a fear, the fear became a surety, and the surety became a raging, grasping pain that threatened to swallow him whole.
He had risen with the lightening of the sky, and set to work in the pre-dawn to ready their belongings for the day ahead. The tread of Gojyo's socked feet down the hall had alerted him that the time was at hand, and Hakkai drew a deep steadying breath before the hanyou opened the door. The smell hit him almost immediately, and his heart broke
wherehaveyoubeenwherehaveyoubeenmineminemine
a little to have conjecture become reality.
Gojyo stood under the shower spray, lathering his body over and over again, trying to scrub the very memory of this horrible night away. Hakkai was angry now, but he would surely get over it
ohGodohGodwhathaveIdonewhathaveIdonehehatesme,
right? After all, it was just once, and he had hated every second of it. All the soft places and inviting roundness that he used to enjoy were meaningless to him now. His lover should be lean here, toned there, and should smell like earth and growing things, not like drugstore perfume.
He put shampoo on his hair for the second time, scraping his short fingernails across his scalp and leaving it tingling and raw. Gojyo was a confirmed ladies' man before this thing with Hakkai had sprung up, and he still liked to look at them. Hakkai had taken that in stride, laughing his little laugh, and seeming to think it quite amusing. He seemed to be utterly sure that Gojyo would not stray from him.
They were running a bit short on pocket money, and Gojyo had gone down to a bar nearby to find a poker game. Hakkai had declined to accompany him, saying that he would like to read one of the books provided in the room. Several drinks, many hands, and no Hakkai later, Gojyo found himself the target of a proposition. The girl was young, and pretty enough. Gojyo was winning, and drunk enough. The rest, as they say, was history.
Hakkai heard the water shut off in the bathroom, and took another deep breath. He sat cross-legged on his neatly made bed, attempting with all his concentration to find his center and relax. He did not want to fight with Gojyo. Fighting never got anyone anywhere. The confrontation, though, was unavoidable. He felt a spasm run through his lips as a vision of what Gojyo had been up to
getawayslutwhoredonttouchhimMine.
surfaced unbidden in his mind.
The brunette, the healer, the calm and rational Hakkai, was simply unable to find his balance. This hurt, and he did not know what to do about it. Stay calm, that was what he needed to do right now. No matter what happened, he must remain composed. If he said all the right things, this whole incident would be over in just a few minutes. The knot in his stomach tightened again, and he squeezed his eyes shut until it passed.
Opening his eyes and looking up, Hakkai saw the redhead standing at the foot of his bed, a towel wrapped around his waist, and a bundle of clothing under his arm. Red eyes gazed into green, a question hanging in their depths. Hakkai had no answer, so he looked away, his normally smiling lips set in a firm line.
Gojyo watched the pain fill his lover's eyes before they left his own, and his heart sank. He heaved a deep sigh and crossed the room to find the laundry bag that Hakkai always kept near the foot of one bed; this time near Gojyo's. He placed all of his soiled clothes into the bag
seeseeseehowIcandothishowIcanchangeforyouallforyou
neatly, and draping his jacket across the end of his bed. He reached into the pocket, retrieved his smokes and lighter, and offered one to Hakkai, who accepted.
In silence, they lit their cigarettes, awkwardly trying to find a place to begin. After a few moments, Gojyo decided that there was no right way to do this, and just plunged in.
"Hakkai, I'm sorry," he began, his voice tremulous with the weight of the feeling in the words. "I'm stupid, and I didn't think, and I'm so, so sorry." He sat on the edge of his bed, staring at Hakkai's profile, hating himself for what he saw there. It was his sin that caused that look, his stupidity. How could he ever erase that?
The tremor in Gojyo's voice nearly undid him. It was hard to hear that pain, that fear, and to resist the urge to comfort, until it his own pain and anger overtook it. He raised his hand, took a drag of his cigarette, and exhaled slowly before he answered, "It doesn't matter, Gojyo. You're forgiven." He spoke in calm, measured tones, though
damnyouwhywhywhy
it cost him much. He took another pull of his smoke and glanced sideways to where the hanyou sat, hunched and miserable looking.
It took a moment for Gojyo to realize what Hakkai had said. "You forgive me? Just like that?" His eyes narrowed as he looked at Hakkai, and the brunette heard disbelief in the tone. He waited for the implications to sink in to the other man
damnyougonnahurtyouhurtmehurtyou
before he said anything else. Wariness entered the hanyou's expression.
"Yes," Hakkai continued, amazed at his own capacity for calm, "just like that. You're forgiven, Gojyo. And we're over."
The words slammed into Gojyo with almost physical force. His heart contracted, and he felt as though Hakkai had just punched him in the gut. For a moment, he could not even breathe
ohgodnononononopleaseyoucantyoucantpleasedontplease
for the panic clawing its way up his throat. Hakkai could not be serious, it just was not possible. They had spent years working up to this, they were closer than Gojyo had ever been with anyone. They had knocked on death's door together, then run away before it could answer; they had shared drinks, and sometimes cigarettes, and beds, and bodies, and souls. This could not be happening, damn it!
"You …" Gojyo's voice faltered; he cleared his throat, "You can't mean that. Hakkai, you can't mean that! It was stupid, it was a mistake! You can't just end us like that, over something so fucking stupid!" He was bordering on hysteria, now. He'd expected a fight, for Hakkai to be hurt, even to be kicked out of his bed for a while, but not this. They were traveling together, and he had thought that they had something unbreakable
nothiscantbeIneedyouithurtsithurtsplease
rooted in mutual trust
trustIbrokeitIbrokethetrust
and regard. There was no way it could end like this, over a chick whose name had already slipped his mind.
The desperation and pain in Gojyo's words rang through his soul, tearing away at his resolve. Hakkai set his jaw, took the final pull off his cigarette, got up and crossed to the table to put it out in the ashtray there. He found that he could not look at Gojyo now, as he said, "I can, and I am. You're absolutely right that it was stupid, Gojyo. I'm sorry to have to do this, but I can't even look at you right now. You were the one person I trusted, and you have hurt me. I will not share myself or my bed with someone who cares so little for my feelings. I was happy to be your lover, but I will not be your whore."
Though he was very agitated, Hakkai was unable to stop himself from reaching out for Gojyo mentally. He felt fear, and disbelief, and far more grief than he had imagined could possibly come from this. A small part of him wanted to turn, to embrace Gojyo, soothe and comfort him, tell him that everything was going to be all right. He steeled his heart against it, reminding himself that
ohthishurtsidontwanttodontwanttoneedhimwanthimithurts
the hanyou had betrayed him, and deserved no less.
Eyes the color of blood widened in disbelief. "I don't accept that, Hakkai. I won't accept it damn it! I know you're angry, and hurt, and I'm so sorry. Please, you have to believe me! I'll do anything you want, but don't do this. Come on, hit me! Beat the shit out of me! Yell, punch, kick, bite, I don't care, but I will not accept this"
anythinganythingI'lldowhatyouwantbewhatyouwantbutpleasedontleave
Gojyo's breath was coming in great gasps now, and he was starting to shake. He looked down at his hands, and realized that he had forgotten about his cigarette completely. It was burned down to the filter between his fingers. The ash had dropped to the floor when the trembling set in.
Slowly Gojyo rose to his feet, not trusting his legs to hold him. They did, though there was some protest, and he made his way over to the table beside Hakkai, dropping the butt into the ashtray. He felt the smaller man stiffen at his approach. When he was close enough, Gojyo leaned in toward Hakkai's left ear and said, "Please, baby," in a low, quavering voice.
Hakkai closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotion and sensation that accompanied Gojyo's plea, breathed against his ear and neck. "I can't do that Gojyo. Punishing you won't undo what you've done. I'm sorry." Hakkai tried to reinforce his words with calm resolve, but it was rather difficult with the redhead so close.
couldIcouldIcouldhurtyouhityoubeatyoumakeyoupay
He was far away, somehow. He heard Hakkai's response as if from down a tunnel. Thoughts refused to form in his mind; he could not think
noIwontnononomakeyoulistenmakeyoustaymakeyou
clearly. He heard his own words, but it was as if someone else was speaking, "You're lying to me. This isn't right. Not right. I'll fucking make you listen." He watched his hand, disconnected from his body, obeying a will not his own, he was sure, as it stole up to the silver on Hakkai's ear. Quick as lightning, his large fingers had torn one inhibiting metal clip from the youkai's flesh.
makeyoulistenmakeyoupunishMAKEYOUSTAY
"Oh, God, Gojyo. Why?" Hakkai knew that ghosts of vines had appeared all over his body, that his fingernails and teeth were slightly sharper now, and that he would be unable to control his pain, or his lust in a few short moments. "Why?" His voice held a note of anguish that almost made Gojyo regret what he had done. Almost.