TITLE: Down
AUTHOR: Stephanie
E-MAIL: Please!
RATING: PG
KEYWORDS: MSR, angst
SPOILERS: The End
DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris
Carter and 1013 productions, not me! The song "Down" is by Blink 182, no infringement intended.
SUMMARY: Scully's thoughts after The End. She's just trying to sort out her
feelings.
"The drops of rain they fall all over
This awkward silence makes me crazy
The glow inside burns light upon her
I'll try to kiss you if you let me
this can't be the end
Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
It gets me so
Your vows of silence fall all over
The look in your eyes makes me crazy
I feel the darkness break upon her
I'll take you over if you let me
You did this"
-Down
by Blink 182
I don't know what to think. There are so many thoughts in my head, so much
to think about.
Fowley.
Mulder.
The office.
Gibson.
The fire has seemed to change everything, give a new perspective to
everything. At least for me it has. There was no electric in use down there
at the time. But who would commit arson? Why here? Why now? Why at all?
In the FBI, you get to have a lot of enemies over time. But usually things
aren't extremely serious, especially if you haven't had a particular
altercation recently.
I don't think Spender would stoop to doing this.
When I saw the office, everything charred and burnt and black with soot,
dripping wet from the fire hoses... I got such an amazing rush, of all the
memories, all of the laughs between Mulder and I, all of the uncomfortable
silences, the sadness shared here... Everything. I remember the moment I
first laid eyes on him, there in the office. I thought of the last moment
I'd ever spent there, and how I took it for granted.
There are some things that you never realize the sentimental value of. When
I thought of the office, I thought of Mulder. Frequently, when I thought of
Mulder, I thought of the office. They were almost equally important to me.
I just feel so alone. I know Mulder is going through the same thing I am,
only worse, so I shouldn't be complaining. But why am I alone in my
apartment right now? Why not with Mulder? But I know he has a lot to think
about right now, even more than I do, and he probably dosen't want me there.
When I leaned against him in the burned office, he felt so stiff, stale. It
was as if he was dead. He just stood there, staring endlessly at the charred
remains of his life. His life was in that basement. Everything he believes
in was in there. And he just stood there, unable to comprehend it. And I
just stood there, leaning against him. Because I think he will always
support me.
All of this must be so hard for him. His sudden infactuation with damned
Fowley, and her being in intensive care. Then this.
I don't understand the two of them. They are obviously very in love with
each other. Why, though?
When Gibson said that Mulder was thinking of one of us, I was shocked. I'm
so sure it was Fowley, though. I was thinking of Mulder, however. I always
am.
What Gibson said about Fowley and I is really mind-boggling. We are both
possesive of Mulder, both curious about each other (appartently), and
nervous about what the other thinks.
I try not to care what people think. I usually don't. I mind what I say
around certian people, of course. Fowley. My mother, sometimes. Skinner.
Sometimes (but rarely) Mulder. That's about it. I don't know why I keep some
things from Mulder. Our friendship is so strong, I should be able to
sayanything to him. But sometimes I feel self-conscious and shy. More, since
we've been working with Fowley. I think I may be a bit jealous of her. Only
a little, but I am. Sure, Mulder's had one-night stands and short-lived
romances, but with her, it could be serious. It was about the friendship,
too. It is about the friendship.
I don't think the two of them would make a good match, anyway. They're so
different. And she's so resentful of me.
Plus, she calls him Fox. That either means that she dosen't know him well,
or she dosen't respect his wishes. Either way, it points away from a
relationship between them.
Gibson has so much power. I don't think he even knows it. Not superficial
power, but power to change the world. He could stop people who spend so much
time worrying about what other people think.
He could make us all honest, make us say what we think. It could really
change the world.
If he hadn't told me about how so many of Fowley's thoughts are the same as
mine, my entire outlook on the situation with me and her and Mulder would be
different. I think I'd be more nervous about her and her relationship with
Mulder. Gibson showed me that she really is human.
When I went to see the Lone Gunmen, I became very extra-emotional. I was
embarassed, upset, and disappointed. I wonder what they must have thought of
me. Not that I care, but they must have thought something major was up.
When I walked past Mulder and Fowley holding hands... I was just so
devastated. I felt rejected, replaced. Not only in a precariously romantic
way, but as his friend, aly, partner. I felt like everything was falling
apart. Hell, I wish I'd known how it'd be now. It's ten times worse. At
least then, Mulder was happy. But when I called him from the car, I was so
near tears. I couldn't (can't) stand her. I felt like she'd deliberately
stolen Mulder from me.
Even when we were all talking to Skinner, I was very emotional. I was afraid
I'd break down and cry right there. But I held it in. I always do.
Honestly, though, I can't really talk badly of Fowley. She's barely alive.
But... Yes, she and Mulder were flirting all the time. But who was with him
in the end, head on his shoulder? I truly believe that he and I were meant
to be together, regaurdless of the form of relationship. If he and Fowley
were meant to be together, they would have been all those years, instead of
Mulder and I.
I wonder what Mulder's doing right now. I hope he's okay. He might be
visiting Fowley. Or doing the same thing he does every night. Or maybe he's
sitting at home, lonely, just thinking. Like me.
There really is so much to think about, so much to absorb. His sister's file
was in that office. And there were so many other personal things in there.
His life really was in that office. He was really himself in there. It was
his territory, his home.
Yes, it will probably be redone, and we'll be back there soon. But it won't
be the same. The furniture will be the same, pretty much, but all of the
important things will be gone. And I'm sure something else will be
different, too. The shade of gray on the walls, the height of the desk. It
will never be completely the same. Then, what really is always the same.
This is truly a time of change, a time of differences, a time of endings.
And there will be new beginnings. But it's the endings that hurt the most.
The End