I was actually trying to write the next installment of a Shika/Neji trilogy I have posted at TONFA when this popped out. Not sure why. Lemony, angsty, character death. Guess maybe I shouldn't listen to hard rock ballads when I'm trying to write?
……
It started by accident:
"Shut up!" Iruka snarled. "I don't care if you're a jounin. I don't care if I'm being rude. You bastard! You don't have the right to say things like that to me!"
"I do if they're true." Kakashi said coldly, folding his arms over his chest. "And they are, Iruka-sensei."
"No they're NOT." Iruka's hand gripped into fists. "How DARE you! You don't know anything about me!"
"I know you're being overly emotional and stupidly protective. They're NOT your students anymore. I've been training them; they're ready for this. You stepped over the line. You've insulted me and you've made yourself look stupid for nothing." Kakashi's eye narrowed dangerously.
"Shut UP." Iruka suddenly flew across the room, slamming the surprised jounin into the wall. "You're a joke, Kakashi-sensei. You don't care about them. You don't care about anything…"
Kakashi grabbed his vest, slamming him into the wall in turn. "Now who's making judgment calls? You don't know anything about me either, Iruka."
"Bullshit." Iruka gasped. "You just want to rush them through so you can get rid of them and go back to being a solitary killer. You're going to get them killed because you just want to be done with it and…"
"Shut up." Kakashi snarled, shocking the chuunin. "You…"
"Please." Iruka suddenly deflated, all the fight leaking out of him. He sighed, letting his head fall against Kakashi's chest. "Please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I'm an idiot, Kakashi-san. I'm just…I care for him so much, and…I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for this to happen…so soon."
Kakashi pulled back, surprised, still angry but starting to feel a little uneasy. "He's ready. They're all ready, Iruka. I'm not…"
"I know." Iruka's hand gently freed his vest from Kakashi's grip. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Iruka…" Kakashi didn't move away, just stared down at the chuunin's bowed head in confusion. "What…"
"You see, Kakashi-san…I've been alone for so long" Iruka's voice was soft and lost. " I…I let him inside, and it hurts. It hurts to know he cares so deeply about people other than me…you, Sasuke, Sakura…and it hurts to know he's rushing headlong into danger that I can't save him from. It hurts to know that he's not really mine, anymore. It hurts to know that he was never really…"
Kakashi lifted his hand and touched the chuunin's cheek, feeling his anger draining into a sort of tired sadness. "Iruka, it's…"
"Don't." Iruka smiled and shook his head, reaching up to carefully smooth the rumples he'd made in Kakashi's vest. "I know. You're doing your job. He's doing what he loves. And I'm just…here. As usual. I'm an idiot. I'll apologize to the Hokage tomorrow, and anyone else that I managed to offend with my little temper tantrum. I'm sorry, Kakashi-san. It will not happen again."
Kakashi sighed deeply. Then he was peeling his mask off, kissing Iruka, and Iruka was responding, wrapping his arms around Kakashi's shoulders, his lips hungry and warm and so damn soft. They stumbled backwards into the records office, unable to separate themselves. They somehow got their clothes off with a minimum of separation and Kakashi spread Iruka over the desk, kissing his chest and stomach, his hands moving to cup Iruka's butt. Iruka clutched his back, panting, making soft noises of desire as Kakashi gently prepared him, his lips and teeth doing their best to distract him. Then he took him, hard, rough, but their lips and tongues and hands were soft and gentle, soothing. Iruka dug his fingers into Kakashi's back and panted his name when he came, and Kakashi gasped wordlessly and buried himself in Iruka's warmth, closing his eyes against the rush of white-hot pleasure that engulfed him.
Afterwards, Iruka kissed him gently and Kakashi apologized, making Iruka laugh.
"Don't. It was good. I'm the one who should apologize…first I scream at you, then I cry, then I…"
"Don't." Kakashi grinned and shook his head. "Let's just leave it at that, hmm?"
The second time was Kakashi's fault….
Kakashi stumbled into the mission office, tired and shaking. His mission report was clutched in his hands. It was probably unreadable; the way his hands had been trembling when he wrote it, he wondered hazily if any of it was actual words.
It was Iruka; he was alone tonight, finishing up so he could go home. The chuunin's face was shocked and worried, his chocolate-brown eyes widening in alarm. "Kakashi-san!"
Kakashi allowed himself to fall against the other's sturdy body, burying his face in Iruka's welcoming, warm shoulder. He craved the touch, he needed the warmth, the concern, the fear…
"Kakashi-san…" Iruka murmured gently. "Give it to me…"
Kakashi realized he was clutching the report to his chest and forced his fingers to release it, gasping in sudden, completely mental pain as it left his fingers. Iruka replaced the mission report with his own hand, massaging Kakashi's palm.
"You should go to the hospital." Iruka murmured. "Is any of this yours?"
"No." Kakashi said quietly. "None."
"That's good." Iruka sighed. "You should go home, then. Sleep. You're exhausted…"
Kakashi didn't want to go home. He didn't want to be alone. So he lifted his head, stripped off his mask, and kissed Iruka. He wasn't thinking clearly; he wasn't thinking at all. All he knew was that he didn't want to be alone, and the man in front of him was warm and alive and so damn sweet…
He pushed Iruka backwards, his hands moving to slip Iruka's vest off. He was too far gone to stop, so he was relieved when Iruka's hesitation faded into active participation. He needed this, he needed him, and he didn't want to hurt him, just…
"Shh." Iruka whispered, his own hands removing Kakashi's vest, sliding over Kakashi's shoulders. "I know. It's fine. Let me help…"
Kakashi groaned and lifted the chuunin onto the desk, fitting their hips together. Iruka shifted, bringing them into full contact and pulled Kakashi against him, his tongue and lips teasing and encouraging.
Kakashi hooked his hands into Iruka's pants and slid them down. Iruka braced himself on his hands and lifted his body, allowing Kakashi to slide them down to his ankles. Then Iruka was opening his pants, panting into Kakashi's mouth. Kakashi broke away long enough to slide his pants down and then bent over to take Iruka's beautiful erection into his mouth. Iruka moaned, fingers tangling in Kakashi's silver hair, head falling back as Kakashi sucked and licked, his fingers gently sliding into Iruka's waiting hole. When they were both too close, he repositioned and slid into Iruka, gasping at the feeling. Iruka welcomed him gladly, clutching him as he thrust, encouraging him with soft, heated words and low, needy sounds. Kakashi went first, exploding into a million pieces, and he brought Iruka with him.
Iruka held him while they calmed, stroking his back with his gentle, capable hands. Kakashi wanted to stay where he was for the rest of the night, but he finally separated, stroking Iruka's face with his hands, trying to show the other man his appreciation and gratitude.
"For you, I'm here. Anytime." Iruka whispered into his ear. "Just find me."
…
The third time was Iruka's fault. Although, it could be considered Kotetsu and Izumo's fault, if you thought about it…
Iruka sank into the hot water, smiling as he felt his muscles beginning to unwind. There were several other people in the bath, but Iruka didn't really feel like talking. It had been a horrible day…
He heard someone whispering and cracked his eye. Then he sighed deeply.
Kotetsu was leaning over Izumo, a wicked grin on his face, and Izumo was…damn it. This was a public bath house! Izumo was biting his lip, trying not to go cross-eyed in pleasure. Iruka had no doubt that Kotetsu was doing indecent things to Izumo under the water…
Izumo made a soft, groaning noise and shifted, bringing his lips to Kotetsu's.
Iruka sank deeper into the water, trying to ignore the fact that Izumo's soft, heated noises were starting to turn him on.
Kotetsu growled and leaned over to bite Izumo's throat.
Iruka was really, really…
Damn it! Iruka snarled silently and stood up, glad to the center of his being that the water was high enough to hide his groin. The two glanced at him, surprise in their eyes. They'd obviously forgotten, in the heat of the moment, that they had an audience.
Glaring, Iruka turned and stomped as well as he could through hot water towards the stairs. He snatched a towel off the back of the chair and wrapped it around him, then stormed to the steam room.
It was empty; Iruka groaned in relief and sank onto one of the chairs, his hand moving to stroke his erection. Damn those two…
He bit his lip, his mind more than willing to supply mental images of what was going on under the water.
A brief noise made his eyes snap open. A blush erupted on his cheeks as he realized that the steam room was, in fact, not as empty as he'd thought…
Kakashi was spread out on one of the benches, sprawled out and half-sitting up, braced on his elbows, staring at Iruka with a glazed look in his eye.
Oh my…
Iruka hesitated, and then suddenly shrugged. He needed sex; Kakashi was usually a go. So Iruka stood up and stalked over to him, a dangerous gleam in his eye.
Kakashi's eyebrow rose, but a grin was clearly visible through the wet mask he was wearing. "Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked softly.
Iruka growled and stripped the mask off, leaning over to plant his lips on Kakashi's. Kakashi didn't hesitate; he enthusiastically responded, arching his back into Iruka's chest.
Iruka needed him now. Breaking off the kiss, he moved to nuzzle Kakashi's half-hard erection, his lips moving over the shaft. Kakashi moaned, and Iruka took him in his mouth, wrapping his fingers around the base. He kept it up until he couldn't stand it anymore, then let go and straddled Kakashi, bracing himself on Kakashi's chest. Kakashi grinned, bucking his hips a little, and Iruka impaled himself, not even caring about the pain. Kakashi gasped in surprise and Iruka started moving, bending over to capture Kakashi's lips, moaning.
It didn't take long; they were both pretty worked up. When they'd calmed down, Iruka slid carefully off of Kakashi and leaned over to kiss him deeply. "Thanks, Kakashi-san. I really needed that."
Then he grabbed his towel and left, leaving Kakashi still sprawled over the bench, staring after him in sated bemusement.
…
The fourth time was planned. Well, it was planned by Kakashi; Iruka didn't know about it ahead of time. By this time, he probably wouldn't have minded much if he had…
Iruka was nervous. He'd had sex with the man three times. He barely knew him at all. But Kakashi had asked him, very sweetly, if he would like to have dinner.
Iruka wasn't sure this was a good idea. After all, he really wasn't looking for a relationship. Except it seemed like they were already in one; three times was more than just…but they'd all been accidents…but it was three times…what did that mean?
I'm so confused.
So here he was, standing on Kakashi's stoop with a bottle of sake in his hand, trying not to bite his lip and run away. He hesitated, then raised his hand and knocked on the door. He wondered, briefly, why he felt like he'd just signed his own execution order.
The door opened and Kakashi's cheerful grin met his eyes. Kakashi wasn't wearing a uniform; he'd donned a loose t-shirt and a pair of blue cotton pants. Iruka was glad he'd decided not to wear his uniform either, even if it meant going out and actually buying clothes. He'd realized he didn't have anything other than uniforms in his closet. Sad.
Iruka offered the bottle and Kakashi took it with a glad grin. "Oh, good. I bought some stuff, but it's not nearly as good as this. You have good taste, Iruka-sensei."
Iruka blushed. Kakashi beamed.
Finally, Iruka cleared his throat. "Uhm. Could I…maybe…come in?"
"OH!" Kakashi actually blushed and stepped aside, waving Iruka inside.
Kakashi's blushing…Iruka carefully removed his shoes and stepped into Kakashi's surprisingly…comfortable apartment.
He'd expected something a little…emptier, actually. Bare. Kakashi didn't strike him as the sort to decorate, or have…were those knickknacks? Actual knickknacks? And…pictures?
Iruka felt rather overwhelmed.
"Do you like it?" Kakashi asked nervously.
"Uh…yes, very much." Iruka managed.
"Good. I tricked Guy into doing it." Kakashi grinned. "I challenged him to an interior-decorating contest. I put a few pictures up in his house and let him go crazy in my apartment. He was so happy to have won a challenge he didn't even think about the fact that I'd tricked him into doing a lot of work for me, for free."
"That's…" Iruka laughed. "That's not right, Kakashi-san."
Kakashi grinned. Iruka realized he'd pulled the mask down sometime while Iruka stared at his apartment.
"Dinner's just about ready. Please, sit down."
Iruka sat down at the kitchen table, watching the infamous copy-ninja move around his kitchen like someone who knew very well what they were doing there. Iruka could cook, if he wanted to, but he usually resorted to carry-out and instant ramen because he was just too damn busy. Kakashi's kitchen was well-stocked, obviously used, and incredibly clean.
They chatted while Kakashi finished dinner, safe topics. Mild gossip about their fellow shinobi, Iruka's classes, team 7. It was pleasant and Iruka felt himself relaxing. When dinner was ready, they ate in companionable silence, occasionally broken by a quiet question or comment.
When they were done, Kakashi produced chocolate-dipped strawberries and they nibbled them, sipping the sake and giggling. It was kind of funny how relaxed he felt. How safe.
Even when Kakashi leaned over the table and stole a kiss, claiming it was because Iruka's eaten the last strawberry and it wasn't fair, he wanted a taste. Even when they moved into the living room, curling up on the couch to watch some program that Iruka didn't pay too much attention to, finding much more interest in the way that Kakashi was gently touching his back, his fingers moving in aimless circles over his skin. It was sometime during the following make-out session when they were stretched out on the couch, lazily tasting and exploring each other's bodies without any urgency or worry, that Iruka realized the reason that he was so damn happy.
This was perfect. This was all he'd ever really wanted.
And he didn't fight when Kakashi lifted him and carried him into the bedroom, or when Kakashi undressed him. In fact, he was glad. He wasn't confused anymore. He helped Kakashi shed his own clothing.
Much, much later, they lay on their sides, smiling gently and stroking each other's slowly cooling skin. Kakashi leaned forward and gently kissed his nose, chuckling softly. "Finally figured it out, did you?"
"Mmm." Iruka blushed and poked Kakashi in the stomach. "When did you know?"
"I wondered after the mission office." Kakashi said quietly, still grinning and rubbing his stomach. "I was pretty sure after the bath house. But I knew when you grinned at me during dinner and stuck your tongue out at me."
Iruka blushed harder. "Why?"
"Because I realized right then that I'd never…I'd never felt so happy." Kakashi said quietly. "It's been a long time since I felt…free enough to act like a little kid around anyone. You make me feel…happy."
Iruka leaned forward and kissed Kakashi's lips gently. "Good. Because that's how I feel with you, too. Happy."
Kakashi snorted. "Damn. We're getting all soppy here, aren't we?"
Iruka giggled. "Oh, Kakashi…my heart is alight with a fiery blaze of love. I feel the sparkling rays of dawn's first light filling me…"
"Stop!" Kakashi grabbed him and rolled him over, mock-glaring at him. "If I wanted to sleep with Guy…"
"Oh, gods." Iruka wrinkled his nose. "Don't even…joke about that."
Kakashi grinned lazily and captured his lips for a long, sweet kiss.
…
The last time, it was no one's fault. It just was.
"I'm dying."
Iruka shook his head, refusing to believe him. Refusing to cry, because that would make it real.
"Iruka…" Kakashi reached for him and Iruka buried his face in Kakashi's shoulder, unable to face it.
"I'm sorry." Naruto said softly, his bright blue eyes full of pain. "I'm so sorry. The poison has no antidote. They've tried everything. We neutralized the poison, but the damage was too severe…"
Iruka turned to look at the young man, the Hokage, the boy he'd raised and loved as his own son. The bastard who was ripping his heart into little pieces and stomping on them, through no fault of his own.. "How long?" He asked brokenly.
"Hours." Naruto looked away, unable to face Iruka's eyes. "Hours."
"I'm…" Naruto reached out and grabbed Kakashi's hand, and Kakashi squeezed it, knowing without hearing it what Naruto was trying to say. Then Naruto left and Iruka felt Kakashi's hand slip into his.
"Iruka." Kakashi whispered. "Make love to me."
"What?" Iruka gasped. He looked up and stared at Kakashi. "Are you crazy?"
"Please. One last time." Kakashi whispered. "One last touch."
Iruka broke down, crying. Kakashi drew him against his body and kissed him, and Iruka shifted to straddle him, his hands moving to caress Kakashi's chest, trying to memorize every inch of it, to make sure he'd remember every feeling, every motion. Kakashi slowly undressed him and Iruka bent to kiss his stomach, tasting Kakashi's distinctive leafy musk, overlaid with the sterile, dry taste of the hospital and the faint iron tang of blood. Then Kakashi was kissing him again, positioning him, his hands firm and at the same time so damn gentle. Iruka slid onto him, spasming as he felt Kakashi entering, feeling the pain and the pleasure mixing intoxicatingly.
Iruka rode him, his hands gripping Kakashi's shoulders, his eyes locked on Kakashi's mismatched blue and red eyes. He wished he had a sharingan so he could lock the picture in his mind where it would never fade, never change.
Kakashi gasped in pleasure, his hips bucking into Iruka's movements, his hands tightening on Iruka's hips. They released almost simultaneously, each with the other's name on his lips.
Afterwards, Iruka gently cleaned them both and then slipped his pants on, ignoring the rest of his clothing, and crawled into the bed next to Kakashi. He laid his head on Kakashi's chest and cried, silently, while Kakashi stroked his brown hair and murmured softly to him, all the words he'd never really said but Iruka had always known he felt.
"Iruka." Kakashi whispered. Iruka raised his head, staring into Kakashi's eyes. It was close; Kakashi's eyes were dull and his movements had grown listless. "Iruka. Promise me…you'll not do anything stupid. I'll be…waiting for you, but…if you come too soon…"
Iruka licked his lips and kissed Kakashi gently. "I know. I promise. I'll…try and be patient. Promise me you'll wait for me?"
"Always." Kakashi whispered, smiling.
I'll be waiting for you…
Iruka gently reached up and closed his eyes. He wasn't crying anymore.