Dean,
I know I can't send this because an owl could give away your position, if an owl could even find you.
But I need to write it anyway.
I miss you.
Hogwarts is not like it once was, and I knew it wasn't going to be but I don't think I had any concept of how bad.
Snape as the Headmaster isn't as bad as it could be; he mostly just looms over everyone and glares. But the Carrows are… they're hell, Dean. The sister is teaching Muggle Studies and it's mandatory now and they just tell us about how stupid Muggles are and I just sit there, thinking about your Mum who's the nicest, wisest person I've ever met and my Da who's never wanted anything but good for me… but I see the look in her eyes and she believes it, Dean. She believes everything she's saying. She actually believes that Muggles aren't really human. And… no. Just no. Everything is so wrong.
And her brother teaches DADA except that it's just Dark Arts now and on the first day he asked us to practice diffindo, which wouldn't have been so bad except that he wanted us to practice on each other and when I said no he gave me detention.
And detention isn't what it used to be. Detention was the backside of his wand as he practiced the Cruciatus curse over and over and over.
That's why my handwriting is so bad. My hands are still shaking.
And I can't wish you were here because I would never wish this on you but I've never felt so alone.
I keep turning to tell you something, to exchange a glance, but you aren't there and it's killing me.
Because then I think about you, I think about you out there — it's not a fucking vacation, you're running for your life and I… God.
I just want you to be okay. I need you to be okay. Because if you aren't…
There's a million things I haven't done. A million things I've never told you. So many things I didn't know how to say. And if I never get to… this will be my biggest regret.
Because I love you.
You're my best friend in this world but it's more than that, because you're everything. You're my motivation. When you smile, I want to smile too. When you're sad, I want to tear the world apart to make it better. You are kind and clever and so beautiful you're incandescent and you outshine the goddamn sun and I want the whole world to see what I see when I look at you. I want to know what it would feel like to kiss you.
I want to grow old with you. I want to wind up a crotchety old man on a porch somewhere with you, holding your hand in mine with matching rings and the only reason I can say any of this is because it's a letter I'll never send.
It's still dark outside but I know the morning is coming. I know this will end.
And when I see you again, because I refuse to believe that's anything but a when, I'm going to hug you like the world is ending (because it might be) and I'm going to find the space to tell you how I feel. Somehow. In words that aren't as embarrassing as these.
I want to know what it is to love you freely.
Maybe that's a giant pipe dream, but it's what I want.
I hate that you're so far away, but I'm also glad that you aren't here, because I never want to see you in this kind of pain.
Yours. Always,
Seamus
…
Dean,
I miss you. I love you.
Come home to me.
Seamus
...
Dean,
I'm imagining you here with me (because it's been seven months without you and I feel like I'm going mad) and what you'd say.
You'd be looking at me in the way you do when you're both sad and proud, like when I told you I wanted to join the DA in the end and you knew what it cost me to swallow my own pride.
Except this would be worse.
I don't know what my face looks like. I don't want to know, because every inch of it hurts.
But I couldn't, Dean.
She was eleven years old and they asked me to torture her and I couldn't.
So I made my choice.
The structure cannot hold anymore, Dean. The dam is breaking. I don't know where or how this is going to end, but the end is coming. Soon.
I hope you'll be here when it does.
I also hope you won't — that you'll be somewhere safe instead.
I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Stay safe.
Seamus
Writing Month: 814
Summer Prompts: word: vacation / Element: word: incandescent / Shay's Musical Challenge: RENT - write about a slash couple. / Gryffindor Themed Prompts: Seamus, Dean
Character Appreciation: 29. (Organisation) Dumbledore's Army / Showtime: 44. Best of Wives and Best of Women - (dialogue) "It's still dark outside." / Amber's Attic: Slash 5. Deamus / Count Your Buttons: D3: "you outshine the morning sun" / Lyric Alley: 14. I'm writin' a letter nightly / Emy's Emporium: P2: (Trait) loner. Alt. (Trait) lonely / Lo's Lowdown: O1: Theme: rebellion
Funfair: North: Ghost train 6: word: giant; South: Bumper cars blue 2: "No. Just, no." East: Circus, Aerial Silk: [Word] Motivation; [Emotion] Loneliness
Hamilton Mania: Act 1, 1: Becoming orphaned - (emotion) Lonely; optional: "There's a million things I haven't done.."
Insane House: Pairing: Dean/Seamus
Going Postal - Letter Fic, Seamus