She sat still at her desk, desperately trying to catch her breath, all while trying to keep attention off of her. If someone noticed, then Olivia would notice. Olivia could not know. They all had to think she was doing better, and in some ways she was. In others however, she was failing miserably. Her job was on the line, if Olivia thought she was slipping back again, she'd put her on leave again, and her sanity couldn't handle that. The long hours, all alone in her apartment, afraid to leave because only God knows what might happen, going between staring at the ceiling and the bottle of whiskey on her kitchen counter all made for an almost certainly catastrophic situation.

"Yo, Manda? You good?" Fin asked from his desk. He was staring at her.

"What?" she asked, trying to maintain at least a tiny amount of decorum.

"You've been staring at that report for five straight minutes and haven't written a thing. What's going on?" thankfully he kept his voice in a hushed tone so none of the other detectives could hear. "Do you need to go home?"

"No!" she panicked. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, no I don't need to go home. I'm fine okay? Just a little tired I guess." She lowered her voice once again when heads turned in her direction. "Look," she sighed. "I am fine. There is nothing going on, I haven't been sleeping very well, I think because of the medication, but I'm okay. I have an appointment in a couple days to get it changed." She tried her best to convince him that she was okay, but it seemed she was failing. He stared at her a moment longer.

"You don't look well Amanda."

"Gee thanks Fin, you know you don't look so..." She tried to sound snarky like she usually did, but found she couldn't breathe. The room started to spin, and even though she knew what was happening, that knowledge did nothing to assuage her fear.

"F-fin.."

When she opened her eyes again she found herself staring at the ceiling of Olivia's office. She looked around when she heard the Lieutenant's voice, but saw she wasn't actually in her office, but standing just outside the doorway talking to Fin.

Shit, Olivia knows. She had to have been extremely naïve or extremely stupid to think she wouldn't find out, the latter seemed more likely. Hope could be a very stupid thing. She squeezed her eyes tight.

"Damnit." She mumbled.

"Hey, you're awake." Olivia stated as she stepped into the office, walking towards the sofa on which Amanda lay, embarrassment seeping from her pores. "It looks like you passed out. Why didn't you tell me you were still having these panic attacks?" she asked, sitting on the edge of the sofa.

Amanda didn't answer right away, she was having a difficult time controlling her emotions. "Oh I don't know Liv. Maybe because when I came back to work you told me to let you know if I was having a hard time, and you'd give me some time off. I don't need time off, I don't want time off, Liv. I'm fine, okay."

"Amanda, I need you to relax. I haven't decided to give you time off just yet, but we do need to have a conversation about whether or not you're ready to go back into the field at the very least." Olivia said, keeping her voice calm as to help Amanda remain calm, she could see her anxiety ratcheting up once again.

"Come on Liv-"

"No, listen to me. You had such a severe panic attack that you passed out and all you were doing was editing a report. Now, you've only just returned to work this week, you're still looking desk duty. Right now, all I'm saying is that we extend that for a few more weeks. It's not permanent Amanda." She wasn't with as much compassion as she could muster to cover the intense concern she was feeling.

Amanda was an extremely dedicated detective, she had more compassion for the victims than she knew what to do with. Olivia admired her drive, but it terrified her because she saw a part of herself in Amanda. She knew what kind of problems her own stubbornness had caused her and she didn't want that for Amanda. It was too late however to stop the things that had already happened, and allot had already happened- it broke her heart knowing the agony Amanda had endured.

"Liv, I swear I'm okay. I had a panic attack, that's it, they don't happen like that very often. Please don't extend my desk duty, please. I need to be working, I need to be out in the field." She stood up from the couch and leveled with Olivia, her anxiety was turning to full blown fear. "You're the one who told me that after an assault it's completely normal to have anxiety and all of that for God knows how long. You said it's different for everyone. Well this is how mine is, but I'm dealing with it this time. I'm actually dealing with it. It's not like it was with Patton okay?"

"Amanda, I'm glad you're dealing with it, I really am. And I'm willing to help you and be there for you every step of the way, I just think you need more time to get back on your feet. You know just as well as I do how PTSD can effect you if the field, it's high pressure, you never know what's going to happen or when it's going to happen, and you don't know what might trigger you or how you'll react to a trigger. It's dangerous to have you in the field right now, I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth and you can't deny it." Olivia said with finality and compassion. She did know how Amanda was feeling, but she didn't want her to repeat her own mistakes. She didn't want Amanda to find herself holding a gun to the back of someone's head ready to pull the trigger with no thought other than fear, she had already been there.

"What's the use of me working my ass off to stay sober if all I'm going to get out of it is desk duty? I've been going to meetings every day, sometimes twice, and I'm staying sober. What do you want from me?" Amanda pleaded for Olivia to tell her what to do.

"This has nothing to do with your sobriety, it has everything to do with your mental state. I'm worried about you Amanda, we all are and we just want to see you be okay, the way you were. Do you know how long it's been since you've argued with me about a case? I honestly couldn't tell you how long." Olivia realized she missed the fiery side Amanda used to show to her so often when she felt strongly about something. She missed the way Amanda used to be.

"Yeah, well, that part of me is gone. I'm never going to be the same Liv, and the only way I can even get close to that person is if I continue to work. I can't go back on leave, I can't go on desk duty for however long it takes for me to be normal again. I'm sorry to disappoint you once again but I can't be who you think I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry." With that last statement, Amanda walked out of Olivia's office and to her desk to retrieve her things, ignoring Olivia as she called out for her, she ignored Fin as she asked if she was alright and where she was going, she ignored Carisi's confused stare. Where she was going, she had no clue, all she knew is she needed a drink.