What is he thinking?, post season 8 episode 2.
She was gone, and all he can think is that it was her fault. Meredith, standing there teetering on the brink of falling apart, any minute her walls will fall down and it will consume her. Him. But all he can think is that it was her fault. If she hadn't screwed up his trial, If she hadn't broken his trust, If she hadn't talked to janet, If she hadn't taken off with zola for four whole hours. It is her fault. So he can't look her in the eye, he can't say the words she needs to here, he can't give her the comfort he knows she needs, all he can do is walk away and stop himself from saying what he knows she definitely doesn't need.
He drifts through the rest of his shift, it's all a bit of a haze, but soon he finds himself sitting at Joe's nursing a scotch. Alone. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Alone. He's supposed to be happy now. He's supposed to be with Meredith and Zola. But Zola is gone… she's gone, and he can't look at Meredith, think of Meredith without feeling hate, disappointment, hurt. This trial was for her damnit! How could she go and screw it up? How can't she get it? It's simple; stick to the rules, to the oath taken after graduated, the contract signed on day one of the job, they are right there in black and white! Rules: Not to be broken!
But she doesn't see things in black and white, she doesn't think things are that simple, she said so herself during their fight in the locker room. That first fight. There's been quite a few since. And suddenly he remembers what his mother said, He see's things in black and white, Meredith doesn't, he needs a spoonful of that. He needs her. She's the one.
And as much as he hates her right now, he misses her. He hates not being able to wake up curled up with her in the morning, not being able to steal kisses in the elevator at work, not having her stand next to him during surgery, not falling asleep next to her at night. He may hate her right now but he still loves her. He can't not love her, that's why this hurts so much.
Where is she now? What is she doing? Is she ok? He doubts that she is. He loves her even though he hates her, he promised her that he would, they even wrote it in their vows. The vows that now sit framed above their bed. And he does, he can't not love her. But he hasn't been showing her that he loves her, he's only been showing her the hate. He's broken their vows.
The scotch burns his throat, coils in his stomach, twists with the guilt of those broken vows. Yes she messed up, he can't forgive her for that, not yet, but he… he has broken the vows. The scotch churns again and he feels nauseous. He broke the vows. That's another broken promise he's made her. She's probably sitting at home beside herself and he's here, alone. This is not where he should be, he should be at home, comforting his wife, showing her that he still loves her. The woman has damn abandonment issues, and what has he done? it's gotten tough, so he ran. Another broken vow! He ran and abandoned her. Just like her father did. Nausea increases, bile is rising. He's gotten this so wrong! He's really messed this up! He can't be like Thatcher, he doesn't want to be anything like Thatcher. Recalling that bone chilling striking sound of thatcher's blame at Meredith all those years ago after Susan died is the final pin as it drops. He can't be anything like that man. He needs to not abandon the woman he loves.
He may hate her, but damn-it he still loves her!
Meredith is sitting on his side of their bed, knees to chest and arms crossed, holding herself together the only way she knows how, when Derek quietly appears at the doorway. She daren't look up, it's taking all the effort she has left to not dissolve into another fit of tears, and looking at him, seeing the venomous hate in his eyes, would break her resolve. But she doesn't have to look up to see it, she's seen it enough over the past few days to know what it looks like. It rips the breath away from her, fills her eyes with fresh tears, her heart with a whole new level of ache, and brings gut wrenching sobs from her mouth. He resolve is shattered; she didn't even have to look at him to feel his hatred for her.
She hears him shift, sighing softly and moving towards her.
"Mere…." the sound of his soft abbreviation of her name, usually reserved for only intimate moments, surprises her. And then he's sitting next to her on the bed, pulling her into his embrace and his comforting, musky, Derek-y scent is all around her. Fresh tears flow, but not ones of heartache, ones of relief…. He's here. Finally he's here.
Minutes pass as he sits holding her, rocking gently, breathing her in. By God he has missed this closeness… her tiny frame pressed against him, the smell of her hair, the warmth of her skin, this feeling of being whole.
Her sobs have subsided now.
Sighing again, "mere…." he prompts. But he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to finish his sentence. He wants to say that he's sorry, he understands why she did what she did and he forgives her, but he doesn't understand and he doesn't think he can forgive her, not yet anyway. He remembers Zola, the second child they have now lost. His throat tightens his heart aches, for their lost children. For his wife, he knows how hard the first loss was on her. How she struggled with the acceptance of their failed conception attempts. How hard losing Zola will be on her.
They can't lose Zola, he won't allow it.
Feeling a little more determined he finds his voice "We'll get her back mere. We won't lose another child. I promise we won't lose her"
She stiffens in his arms a little and he knows that she is wary of his words. He used that word again, 'Promise'. Like his promises mean anything. His stomach churns again in disgust at his behaviour.
Turning her so he can see her face, he needs to look into her eyes, see what she's thinking so he can say what he needs to say. What he needs to admit.
"Mere…I know that my promises don't carry much weight,"
"I know I've broken too many, before… and again now. I ran when I… when we… promised each other that there wouldn't be any running. I walked out. I abandoned you."
He's crying now too.
"I broke our vows. I'm sorry for that."
Pulling her tighter against him, he breathes her in, nose in her hair and lips close to her ear.
"I can't forgive you… not yet, I can't … I can't understand why you did what you did…. But… But I need you to know that I still love you"
He kisses her forehead, breathing her in again, feeling her relax further into his embrace.
"Mere. I still love you. I can't not love you. I promise that we'll be ok. We'll get Zola back and we'll be ok."
She stirs in his arms and their eyes meet, both teary and tired. But despite it all she gives him a small smile, "thank you… for still loving me, even when you hate me"
He nods and kisses her forehead again.