Broken Angel
For eight years, they'd wished they could start over… now, they started over everyday…
Broken
Angel-
Just as beautiful,
But half as whole.
It had started over again. Just like that damn time loop thing that he and Teal'c had been stuck in for who knows how long…she had been seconds away from slapping him angrily, only to have her mind erased like a chalkboard. Her brain, her precious brain that was worth so much more than his own, contained a so-called virus. As with a computer, it wiped her mind- that national treasure of a hard drive- clean every so often.
She was a broken angel. Bruised and battered inside, but she couldn't even see it.
Now, she was staring at him, confused. "Where am I and what am I doing here?"
"I know you're scared…" He said, cautiously. "Your name is Samantha Carter."
"I know who the hell I am! Who the hell are YOU?!"
"I'm Jack O'Neill."
The answer seemed to satisfy her, though she was somewhat cautious about asking anymore questions. She'd obviously retained some of the military prowess she'd instilled deeply into her mind.
"Where am I?"
"You're in the Cheyenne Mountain Complex."
Damaged
Angel-
Battered and bruised,
And unconsciously weary.
She seemed somewhat suspicious, but overall, it was a better mood than he'd seen her in all week. "So, how are you doing?" He asked, cautiously
"Pretty well, I guess." She said, sitting down on the bed.
"Glad to hear it."
"Why're you here, sir?" She asked, trying to study him.
The use of that dreaded title cut him. They were married, for cryin' out loud! They weren't supposed to be calling each other 'sir' and 'Carter' anymore.
This must have been his penalty for his long list of "damned distasteful things." This must have been punishment for being stupid enough to leave his gun unlocked just once… This must have been some kind of penance for falling in love with his second-in-command.
"Sir?" He asked, waving away the formality. "Call me Jack."
"I'm sorry…Jack…" She said, opening up a little more to this man. His face was tugging at memories locked away in her mind. Strong emotions seemed to be closely connected to that face…
"Don't worry about it." He said, faking nonchalance. "I'm military…you get used to random 'sirs'."
She gave him a glance that showed her confusion.
"What?"
"I knew that." She said, surprised. "I don't know how I knew that…"
"You must be psychic." He said, trying to play it cool.
"I don't think so." She countered in that awesome "Carter" way he loved. "I get the feeling that I know you…that we were…"
"Friends?" He added, helpfully.
She bit her cheek before shrugging. "Stupid, huh?"
"Not really. You see, you had an accident…"
-
Jack rode in the limo, his mind stuck in panic mode…if there was such a thing on the analogous stick shift of the mind, staring out the window at the scenery passing his window. He was on his way to meet his plane to Colorado. Why he was even taking a jet, he had yet to figure out…but when the President insisted that you take Air Force One, you just didn't argue.
Damn! The Trust had taken her. He held his head in his hands as he continued to curse himself. They'd agreed that Area 51 would be better for her. She'd started to get tired of the constant risk…the fear of losing everything she'd fought so hard for.
She'd transferred to Area 51 only days before he took over as head of Homeworld Security at the Pentagon. It was in those days that they finally explored their emotions. And it had ended in wedding rings for the both of them.
Now, he was on his way to rescue her from the clutches of the evil that plagued Earth.
He had transferred her to Area 51 so that she would be safe! So that he wouldn't be distracted every time SG-1 went off-world. So that they could start a family…
He closed his eyes in self-deprecation. Now…she was in danger again…If only he'd let her go off-world…she wouldn't be trapped in some god-forsaken dungeon facing only God knew what…
-
"What kind of accident?" She asked, bringing him out of his thoughts.
"Oh…just some…lab explosion…" He lied, smoothly. There was no sense in telling her the whole truth about that area of her life. He didn't want to scar what little time he might have with her with the thought of her fellow human beings' inhumanity. "You're a scientist, ya know…" He said, grinning.
"I am?"
"Yeah…an amazing one at that…" He said, pulling out the book that had been published only a few months after her accident in memory of her memory. "Theoretical Astrophysicist…and you've done more for science on our planet than any other scientist since Einstein."
"Really?" She asked, puzzled.
"Yeah…"
"I wish I remembered." She said, sadly looking at the book. However, she wasn't referencing the wealth of knowledge she had lost. She was referencing the memories she'd lost. The times she would never remember.
"So…we're friends?" She asked, turning earnest eyes to him.
Suddenly, she felt as though she'd been transported several light years away into the deep recesses of her mind.
-
"Friends…" She said, looking down at her knees as she sighed.
"Hey, this is YOU talking here…might as well be honest…" He said, giving her a sardonic grin.
She looked up, earnestly. "What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?"
"I would never ask you to give up your career." He replied just as seriously.
"Because you don't feel anything for me?"
"Carter."
"I'd let you go right now if I knew."
"That easy?"
"I didn't say it would be easy."
Shattered
Angel-
Dreams forgotten,
But nightmares relived.
She turned her sorrowful eyes to him, reminding him of that day when they'd been trapped on either side of a force shield, trapped because of those damn armbands. "We were more than friends…or at least, we could have been…should have been…"
"Yeah." He said, nodding tenderly.
"I just…I wish I remembered…"
"That's why I'm here." He said, taking her hand and kneeling before her. "Ask me anything…anything you want to know."
"There's so much…" She admitted.
"Anything that pops into your head…there's nothing too embarrassing…" He said, grinning. "Except maybe that one time you drank that stuff and stripped in front of the team…"
His grin faded into a twisted look of pain. Of course she didn't remember that…or at the very least, she wouldn't want HIM to remember that.
"What is our relationship…exactly?" She asked, quietly looking at her hands.
"That's…a tough one." He admitted.
"Why?"
"Just because…well, you see…we've had…feelings…for each other for about eight or nine years now…"
Memories flew through her mind, as if a door had been unlocked.
-
"Because I care about her…a lot more than I'm supposed to…"
-
She shut the locker door, throwing her arms around him and kissing him. "Cart…"
-
She placed her head on his shoulder, feeling the aches of the fever. Her DNA had been changed…and now, she was very literally a water balloon that was aching to burst. She remembered looking to a black man with a gold symbol on his forehead before he turned and she placed her head on Jack's shoulder.
-
"Teal'c?" She asked, suddenly.
"Is fine. He just got married to another leader of the Jaffa."
"Ish'ta." She said, remembering horses, and…a wedding?
"Yeah."
"And…Daniel?" She asked, cautiously.
-
"Sir, I wanted to talk to you about ..."
"Carter." He interrupted.
"We haven't heard from him in a week." She defended.
"Doesn't mean anything."
"Sir, we know he was captured by Replicators. Chances are he was on board a Replicator ship when it disintegrated."
"All we know for sure is that he's missing." He insisted.
"Sooner or later ..." She said, facing facts
"Forget it! I'm not fallin' for it this time."
"'Falling for it'?" She asked, confused.
"Yeah! How many times have you thought he was gone, and then he shows up – in one form or another. I'm sorry, but we're not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead."
He turned his face upward, speaking to the ceiling. "You hear that?! I'm not buyin' it!"
She waited, almost hopefully for Daniel to answer, but eventually, she turned a somewhat dubious eye to him.
"What?" Jack asked, turning to her. "He's just waitin' for us to say a bunch of nice things about him. Next thing you know, he'll come waltzin' through that door," he said, motioning to the door, "Like, right now."
There was no response. "Waltzing ... now."
-
"He's good. Real good, actually."
She nodded, gratefully. Then, she looked at her hands and back at him. "So…we've had feelings…"
"Yeah."
"What'd we do?"
"Nothing…for about eight years…"
"Nothing?" She asked, almost surprised.
"Oh, don't get me wrong…we saved the planet…we watched each other's sixes, but…no dating…no nuthin'…"
"Oh." She said, strangely disappointed.
"You see, I was your commanding officer." He said, sadly. "You were a very valuable member of my team."
Even at the time he'd only been able to utter those words, they'd been code for the feelings he had for her. He sighed. Everyday, he found himself reminded of the chances they should have taken earlier. Of the life they'd lost the day he let the Trust get her.
-
"Carter?" He asked, finding her limp body on the examination table they'd prepared for her. Her skin was red and blotchy, her pupils were dilated, and her hair was cut raggedly. What had they done to her?
There was no response, but he felt the timid pulse in her wrist. They needed to get her to the SGC ASAP.
He was suddenly grateful that there were perks to being an Air Force General. He pressed the button signaling the Prometheus to beam him up after he picked her lifeless body off the table. He was immediately beamed aboard.
"General! You found Colonel Carter…"
"Get us to the SGC." He said, urgently. "Infirmary."
Almost immediately, they were in the infirmary with Dr. Lam looking curiously at them. "General?"
"Carter…was taken by Trust…" He managed.
The medical team took her from his arms. "General, we've got her…she's going to be okay…"
That's what they'd said when Charlie died, but he'd seen the look in their eyes. The look that said they weren't so sure…it was in Carolyn Lam's eyes now too.
-
Suddenly, she remembered the ring she'd found earlier this morning. "But I have a ring…"
The look on his face indicated to her that it was not good. Suddenly, she just remembered why.
-
"Pete gave me this…" She said, handing him the velvet box.
He looked at it, and then at her. "People normally wear these on their fingers."
She looked down, almost ashamed. "I haven't said yes."
"And yet – you haven't said no." He said, snapping the box shut. She winced as he did so, closing her eyes in humiliation
"I told him I needed to think about it."
"And?" He put the box on the desk. She wasn't even looking at him anymore.
"That was two weeks ago."
"Ah!" He said, understanding everything she wasn't saying.
She swallowed down bile as she remembered saying yes to Pete after saving Daniel and Krista from the Trust. "I didn't…I couldn't have…"
"You didn't go through with it." He said, remembering that it had been Jacob's death that had finally revealed that to her. It had been so sad to see the old man go. It had been sad to know that it had been HIS death that had sealed the deal. His death had sparked a renewed realization of life's brevity. His death had put life back into their relationship…whatever relationship they'd had before the visit to the cabin.
"Whose ring do I have?" She asked, her voice barely a whisper.
"Mine." He admitted, seeing in her eyes that to say something like that would not make her upset, but rather something that would soothe her mind.
Tears sprang to her eyes. "I don't remember any of it! I don't remember our wedding! I don't remember your proposal…hell, I don't even remember our first night together!"
Jack scooped her up into his arms. "Hey, Sam…I know. It's hell. Believe me…I don't like seeing you live like this anymore than you like experiencing it. That's why I'm here…to help you if I can…"
"What was it like?" She whispered, clinging to him.
"Amazing." He said, a soft smile touching his lips. "Better than anything we could possibly have imagined."
"Really?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
She bit her lip. "Do we have any…?"
"No." He said, shaking his head. "No, we never got the chance…"
"I'm sorry, General O'Neill, but…she's never going to be able to have children."
Part of him was devastated. Another was grateful. How on Earth would anyone be able to tell a child that his mother didn't remember him? How was he supposed to tell Sam that she was carrying his child if there was no guarantee that she would even let him in that day?!
"Thank you." He said, numbly. "How's her memory?"
"I don't think it will ever fully come back."
"Never?" He choked out.
"I'm sorry." Dr. Lam said, her sober expression pained. "They really ran her through the ringer."
And now, she was broken. His sweet broken angel.
They'd wished for eight years to start over…and now, they got to do so everyday…it broke his heart each time he began his monologue that went something like: "Your name is Samantha Carter. You're a theoretical astrophysicist…"
A tiny part of him wanted to run into a corner and release the tormenting sobs plaguing him. But Jack O'Neill didn't show emotion. He hid it. He ran from it. He kept it at arms length from him. Instead, he just held her. More closely. More tightly. He started humming in her ear as he began gently swaying. The humming quickly turned to singing when he'd reached the chorus that had been burned into his mind, and she felt tender tears slip down her cheeks as she listened to the few words she could understand through the hitch in his voice.
So
keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this
way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to
me today
If
I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of
change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would
stay the same
And
I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each
other
So
keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We
can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll
let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears
just fall away, when you are all I see
We
can't stay this way forever
But I have you here today
And
I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we
shared today
She didn't ask him if he'd written the lyrics, and he didn't tell her that he had heard the tragic song on the radio the day he'd found her, lying lifeless on the kitchen floor only a few days after she'd returned home, having gone insane from what the Trust had done to her.
-
"Sam, I'm home!"
There was no response, and his heart lurched when he remembered what had happened the last time she hadn't responded when he'd come home. He flew through the house, trying to find her…some evidence that she was still there.
It wasn't until he reached the make-shift lab in the basement that he realized she would never come back. There on the floor, she lay, an empty syringe in her hand.
-
Later, Dr. Lam told him that she'd injected herself with a version of the dargall SG-1 had found on the planet where they'd found Linnea. Sam had deliberately sabotaged her own memory, hoping to eliminate the nightmares. She had ended up creating an artificial Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, it was just different enough that the antidote they'd come up with was ineffective.
He didn't tell her that he memorized these moments so that he could relive them when she refused to remember who he was. He didn't tell her about the nights he'd spent lying sleeplessly in his bed, longing not only for her touch, but just the simple pleasure of knowing that she knew how much he loved her. At least they'd had that when she was under his command.
He didn't tell her about the countless missions he'd sent Daniel and Teal'c on, trying to find SOMEONE who could undo this. He didn't tell her that he had resigned his commission, just so that he could stay with her through the pain. He didn't tell her that they lived this over and over, just to keep the gift they'd fought so long and hard for. He didn't tell her that the rest of the world had moved on, accepting Samantha Carter as a casualty of war. He didn't tell her that he had told Daniel and Teal'c to stop coming by- that neither of them should see her, and by default, him as well. He didn't tell her that Daniel and Teal'c came by anyway.
But there was something he'd learned long ago that he must remember to say to her. He'd been unable to say it for so long that he was never going to let an opportunity go by without saying it.
"I love you." He whispered.
His defeated angel looked at him, her eyes brimming with tears. "I…I love you too, Jack…"
He smiled and took her back in his arms, his head resting gently on the top of hers as he held her close.
"Tell me about…" She paused. "Tell me about…"
He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat as he pulled away. "About?"
Defeated
Angel-
Eternally living,
And endlessly dying.
"Where am I?" She asked, looking him in the eyes, earnestly.
"You're in…" He bit his cheek. "You're in Cheyenne Mountain Complex."
"Why?"
"Your name is Samantha Carter. You're a theoretical astrophysicist."
She looked at him, confused. "Who are you?"
He'd answered these questions so many times…yet, he'd patiently answer them for the rest of her life. After all, they were questions about the way they were. And these were the second chances they'd always wished for.
"I'm…a friend."
That was why his heart broke. Every time she came back…started over, as it were, his broken angel wasn't his anymore.
Author's Note: This was the product of thinking about "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks, reading something on a livejournal community, and some angsty Sam and Jack videos. The poem in bold AND italic font is mine. The prose in italic font is a flashback, as I'm sure you've all noticed, but I cannot claim the song in italics...that was on the Josh Groban CD "Awake" and it's titled "Awake." And I believe that Josh Groban, himself, wrote some (if not all) of the lyrics.
I promise I'm trying to finish up my other stories. So many of them are JUST so close...and yet...because of writer's block...they're SOOOOO far away! I'm working on them...but studies and some family/friend crises have kept me from them...sorry!
Hope you enjoyed it! Please review!