by Zelly
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 13x5
Warnings: Stupidity, implied lime, AU, OOC (especially Quatre...hehe.
c.c};)
Note from the Author: This is the kind of shit I come up with when I'm
sick in bed and bored as Hell. ^^};; This was gonna be a Tripefic
entry, but I think those are strictly 3x4 only, so I'm just posting
this for the Hell of it. Gundam Wing and all its characters are ©
Bandai and Sunrise, blah blah blah...you know what I mean. Oh, and
don't take this seriously, don't sue me, and above all, don't kill me,
okay? *runs and hides*
* * * * *
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a handsome young
man by the name of Odin Lo--
Odin: Heero.
Fine. Heero Yuy.
Heero: That's better.
Even though his name wasn't actually Heero, it was Odin Lowe Jr.
He just wanted that name 'cause it made him feel like a bigshot.
Heero: Omae o korosu.
FINE! Heero Yuy! Jesus H. Christ!
Heero Yuy, whom everyone liked to call Robin Heero, wore lots of
spandex. Spandex made it obvious that he was very well-endowed. Girls
all over the country wish for his hand, as well as his...y'know.
However, Robin Heero was only interested in one: the beautiful Maid
Maxwell. Who wasn't actually a maiden.
Duo: *waves a hankie and bats his eyelashes* Yoohoo!
Robin Heero lived in Sanq Forest with his band of merry men. There
was Little Cat...
Quatre: Hi!
Happy Wu...
Wufei: Kisama!
And Big Trowa.
Trowa: Hello.
However, Big Trowa was not big. He was tall, lean, and muscular,
but he wasn't burly or fat. So why was he called Big Trowa?
Quatre: I know why!
Trowa: Quiet.
Quatre: It's because he has--
Trowa: *frenches Quatre to shut him up*
...
Uh, anyway...so the four of them lived together in Maganac Forest.
Wufei: Stupid woman. You said it was Sanq Forest!
I changed my mind. Maganac sounds cooler. Oh, but it's more to
write and I'm a lazy bitch. Fine. Sanq Forest.
Will you guys stop making out so we can get on with the story?
Quatre: Gomen.
By the way, Quatre is called Little Cat because he's like a cute,
snuggly little kitten, not for the same reason that Trowa is called Big
Trowa.
Quatre: *blushes*
Trowa: *calmly puts his knife away from where he had it poking Zelly in
the back* Thank you. *scratches Quatre behind the ears*
Quatre: *purrrrrrs*
Frickin' Hell...
Oh, and Big Trowa was bigger than everyone in the country, even
Robin Heero.
Trowa: I didn't even have to threaten her for that.
Hehe.
Maid Maxwell was imprisoned in a castle by the most fearsome and
annoying enemy of them all: Princess Relena Peacecraft.
Relena: Now Robin Heero will be MINE!
She had sent the guard, Hilde, to check on the beautiful boy maiden
almost every three hours. And it usually took her almost an hour to
return.
Hilde: Maid Maxwell, you are MINE!
Duo: Oh, won't someone SAVE me?!
Hilde: Let's see what you look like with the braid UNDONE!
Duo:
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(x50 million)
Hilde: Ohohoho!
Duo: Waaaaah! Hee-chaaaan!
Poor Duo.
Meanwhile, there were two evil bandits with lots of gold who
happened to be passing by the forest.
Wufei: We steal from them and give to the less fortunate, right?
Yup!
So, Little Cat and Big Trowa distracted them...
Quatre: Hi! How are you this fine evening, gentleman?
Quinze: Fine. Now will you please move?
Quatre: Okay! Oh, look, it's the best-endowed man in all the country!
I think I'll make out with him in the middle of the road! *grabs Trowa
and kisses him deeply*
Trowa: Mmm...
Zechs: Damn it.
While Little Cat and Big Trowa played tonsil hockey in front of the
evil bandits, still blocking their way, Robin Heero and Happy Wu jumped
them! No, not in THAT sense. Ew, especially not Quinze, who looks
like a nature special narrator or something!
Heero: I'll take this.
Wufei: And I'll take THIS! Don't you pathetic weak cowards understand
how UNJUST it is to steal?!
Quinze: But YOU are stealing.
Wufei: SILENCE! Now give us all your loot, fuckers!
Zechs: No.
Wufei: Kisama! HAND IT OVER!
Quinze: Says who?
Heero: Says I, Robin Heero.
Wufei: Did you not RECOGNIZE us?! KISAMA!!!
Zechs: Robin Heero?!
Heero: Hai. Omae o korosu.
Quinze: T-take it all!
So Quinze and Zechs ran off, leaving their horses and everything
else behind them. They nearly tripped over Little Cat and Big Trowa,
who were now lying in the middle of the road, still liplocked.
Heero: Good work, men.
Wufei: You can stop frenching and rubbing against each other now.
Quatre: *pulls back* I love you.
Trowa: Who, me or my one-eyed monster?
Wufei: AHEM!
Quatre: Oh, cool, they left their horsies behind!
Heero: Hai.
Wufei: We also got treasure.
Quatre: *claps* Let's go celebrate!
So while Big Trowa and Little Cat fucked like horny little minks in
the privacy of their tent, Robin Heero and Happy Wu got drunk as Hell
and wallowed in self-pity.
Heero: I want Duo.
Wufei: I want Treize Khushrenada, the captain of the guard.
Heero and Wufei: Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Meanwhile, back at the castle prison...
Hilde: You can't hide from me forever, Maid Maxwell!
Duo: *crying* My braid...my beautiful braid...
And in the dining hall, a drunk Treize plotted away.
Treize: Zzzzz...oh, my sexy dragon...Zzz...I want you...zzzzzz...
Actually, he was passed out after wallowing in self-pity as well.
And Princess Relena slept.
Relena: *sucks her thumb*
Aww, how cute.
...NOT!
An hour later, Hilde came back and fell asleep somewhere.
And a sobbing Maid Maxwell tried to repair his beloved braid, even
though he looked sexier with his long wavy hair draped about him like a
silk curtain.
Duo: *sniffle* She let my hair down...I can't believe it.
Suddenly, a deep voice called from outside the tower window. The
lovely Maid Maxwell ran to the sill, violet eyes sparkling.
Duo: Robin Heero?
Instead, there was some stupid guy standing there. And he looked
drunk. Maid Maxwell recognized him as Trant, another one of the guards
in the castle of Oz.
Trant: Maxwell, Maxwell, let down your hair, so that I may climb the
chestnut stair!
Duo: WRONG STORY, you moron!
Trant: But I want you.
Duo: GO TO HELL!
Trant: Oh, playing hard to get, I see.
Duo: Leave me alone!
Angrily, Maid Maxwell picked up the brush and band he was using to
rebraid his hair. Using the band as a catapult, the beautiful boy shot
the brush out at Trant. Unfortunately, he fucked up, and the band
snapped in his slender fingers.
Duo: Owch! Blast it!
Maid Maxwell threw the brush out the window as hard as he could.
It struck Trant squarely on top of the head, and the man giggled
insanely before passing out.
Trant: He likes me...
Duo: Hmph! Much better!
Suddenly, as he looked at the broken hairband, then out the window
at the unconscious soldier, Maid Maxwell realized what he had done. He
burst into tears.
Duo: Now I'll NEVER get to braid my hair again!
Poor braidless Maid Maxwell then proceeded to curl up in the corner
and cry himself to sleep. Aww...
Meanwhile, the next morning...
Heero: Zzz...oh, Duo...
Wufei: Oh, Treize...zz...I want to show you justice...
Trowa: Oh, Quatre...
Quatre: Oh, my ass...
Trowa: I guess in the heat of the moment I forgot to grease up last
night. Sorry, sweetie. *kisses Quatre on the cheek*
Quatre: *snakes his hand downward* You COULD make it up to me, BIG
Trowa.
Trowa: Mmmm...
However, the two horny lovers were interrupted by the sound of
puking outside.
Trowa: Mm...baby...did you...aaa...did you forget to close the tent
flap again?
Quatre: I don't think so...no, I didn't. They can't see us.
Trowa: Ohh...kay. Mmm...Quatre...baby...I lo--
Wufei: KISAMA! My head hurts! *retch*
Heero: Mine too. *bleeeeeccchhh*
Trowa: God damn it!
Quatre: I think they're hung over again.
Trowa: Could you guys upchuck any LOUDER?!
Wufei: Kiss my ass, Barton.
Trowa: There goes the mood. Sorry, kitten.
Big Trowa angrily yanked his clothes on, and stormed out of the
tent muttering bad words. He was cut off by the sight of Happy Wu and
Robin Heero staring at him, bug-eyed. Then he realized...the ground
was kind of squishy. And it was yellow-brown. And it had chunks...
Heero: Gomen nasai. We puked outside your tent.
Wufei: *sweatdrop*
Trowa: *twitch*
Back at the castle of Oz, Relena was awoken by a loud sound. It
sounded like a guy screaming his head off.
Relena: What?! Oh, maybe I was having a nightmare. Zzzzz...
Trowa gasped for air, then glared at the two men.
Trowa: OUTSIDE MY FUCKING TENT?! GOD DAMN IT!! WHY?!
Heero: Gomen nasai.
Trowa: Oh, okay. NO, NOT OKAY! DAMN IT, you RUINED my BOOTS!!
Wufei: So stop yelling and go clean them.
Big Trowa shot Happy Wu another glare, then stomped off to clean
his boots.
Quatre: What's going on?
Little Cat also pulled on his clothes. However, instead of
stomping out of the tent like his irate boyfriend, he opened the tent
flap and peeked out to see Robin Heero and Happy Wu vomiting again. He
shook his head.
Quatre: You two...
Wufei: *gag* Silence! *blaaarrrgh*
Heero: Hn. *baaaarrrfff*
Quatre: Where's Big Trowa?
Happy Wu and Robin Heero both pointed in the direction of the
waterhole, not lifting their heads from their suffering.
Wufei: He is *bleeechh* cleaning his *spluuuuk* boots.
Heero: Hai. *retch*
Wufei: He's in one of his *yeeegh* moods *blaaarrgghhh* again.
Quatre: Tsk.
Little Cat daintily stepped over the piles of pukage on the ground,
and calmly made his way to the creek. Sure enough, there was the
unibanged emerald-eyed beauty of his dreams, angrily wringing out a
soaked but clean pair of leather boots. He didn't even turn his head
when Little Cat walked up; he continued to squeeze them, growling and
muttering curses under his breath.
Quatre: Are you all right, Big Trowa?
Trowa: Grrr. I'm fine. But THEY won't be. Fucking ruined my boots.
Quatre: Poor baby...I'LL make you feel better!
So Little Cat glomped Big Trowa, and the yucky soggy boots were
forgotten.
Meanwhile, after puking their guts out, Robin Heero suddenly had a
brilliant idea.
Heero: We have horses now.
Wufei: Let's go storm the castle of Oz.
Heero: Good idea.
So the Asian boys merrily ran to the waterhole to inform the two
once-again-fornicating lovers of their plans.
Wufei: We have a new plan.
Trowa: Aaaa...oh, really, Happy Wu?
Heero: Hai.
Quatre: Oh...right there...yes...let's hear it, then!
Wufei: We have horses now.
Trowa: Oh, god...yeah, so?
Heero: We're gonna use them to break into Oz Castle and rescue Maid
Maxwell.
Wufei: And kidnap Treize Khushrenada.
Quatre: Really?...ohhhhh...
Trowa: Nnnn...god...have fun, you two.
Heero: You're coming.
Trowa: Not yet...almost...
Wufei: He means you're going with us, you idiot.
Quatre: We're...mmm...a little busy...ohhhh...Trowa...
Heero: If we get them, we won't be spending our nights drowning our
sorrows.
Wufei: And our mornings hung over.
Trowa: Nnnnngh! QUATRE!
Quatre: AAAAA!!! TROWAAAA!!
Heero: Ready now?
Quatre: *pant*...
Trowa: ...*gasp*
Quatre: Yup. Let's go.
Trowa: Yeah.
Heero: Ninmu...ryoukai.
Back at the castle, Relena got an exciting report from Otto,
another guard.
Otto: There's two horses approaching! I think it's Robin Heero and his
merry men!
Relena: How can you be sure?
Otto: I don't know, ma'am!
Relena: Set up the guards as we planned, then! TREIZE! Wake up!
Outside the castle, the four boys looked around for a way in.
However, they came up short.
Heero: Shimatta.
Wufei: Kisama!
Trowa: Kuso.
Quatre: Uhh...damn.
Angrily, Robin Heero punched the wall. A stone swung open to
reveal a set of hidden stairs.
Quatre: Cool!
The four boys then walked down the steps to reveal a dark hallway.
Then Robin Heero had another amazingly brilliant idea.
Heero: Let's split up. Trowa, you come with me.
Quatre: No! I want to be with you, Trowa!
Heero: Too bad. You go with Happy Wu, Little Cat.
Quatre: Trowa...!
Trowa: Don't worry, Little Cat.
Quatre: Oh, Trowa...
Heero: God damn it. Come on.
So the two silent cold types went off together in search of the
lovely Maid Maxwell. And the other two also went off in search of Maid
Maxwell.
However, they were stopped in their tracks by two guards. Who both
had forked eyebrows. Holy shit.
Dorothy: So, we finally meet, QUATRE RABERBA WINNER.
Quatre: Dorothy Catalonia...?
Dorothy: That's right.
Treize: We meet again, Chang Wufei.
Wufei: You...!
Dorothy: Quatre Winner, I challenge you to a duel.
Treize: I also challenge you to a duel, Chang.
Quatre: And if I refuse?
Dorothy: *pulls out a sword and lunges at Little Cat*
Treize: *does the same to Happy Wu*
Quatre and Wufei: *sweatdrop*
Robin Heero and Big Trowa had found the castle prisons, on the
other hand. Now came the part of finding Maid Maxwell's cell.
Heero: Hn. I know he's somewhere.
Trowa: But where?
Heero: I don't know. Let's keep searching.
Trowa: *sigh* Cat...I hope you're all right.
Nope. He wasn't.
Dorothy had managed to knock his sword away, and stabbed him in the
side. Now he was unconscious. Happy Wu and Treize Khushrenada were
fighting beside them, but they didn't seem to notice Little Cat had
fallen.
Treize: Give up yet, Dragon?
Wufei: NEVER!
Treize: You're strong, and you never give up. That is what I like
about you, Chang Wufei.
Wufei: W-what? You're just trying to get me to let my guard down,
coward!
Treize: Mm, you're feisty too.
Wufei: Damn you...!
Treize: If you want me, come and get me, Dragon.
Happy Wu rushed at Treize with his blade. Treize grabbed his arm
as he ran towards him, knocked the sword out of his hand, and gazed
into his eyes. Suddenly, the background turned all pretty and pink and
sparkly. Sakura petals floated around Treize's face as he smiled.
Treize: So, Dragon, you have finally come to me. Now who has lost the
battle?
Dorothy rolled her eyes as the two men promptly ripped each other's
garments away and started a different kind of battle.
Dorothy: Oh well. You're MINE now, Quatre Raberba Winner.
Quatre: ......
Dorothy: I hope I didn't kill him.
It looked like Robin Heero had found what he was looking for. He
broke the lock to the cell, and stepped in. Big Trowa had a hunch
about something, however.
Trowa: I think Little Cat's in trouble.
Heero: So is this person.
Hilde: Ohohohohohohoho!
Duo: Waaaaah! Heeellllp!
Trowa: I have to...follow my emotions...
Heero: Okay.
Trowa: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I'M COMING!!! ...not in
THAT sense though, for once. *runs off*
Heero: Baka yarou.
Robin Heero then proceeded to pull out his...uh...bow? and aim it
at the dark-haired girl who was trying to rape HIS braided beauty.
Even though he wasn't braided anymore.
Heero: Omae o korosu.
Hilde: Eyaaaah! It's ROBIN HEERO!
Hilde ran off screaming like an idiot. Haha.
Duo: Oh...my...my HERO!
Heero: *rolls his eyes* Are you Duo Maxwell?
Duo: Yeah!
Heero: I'm here to rescue you. Come with me.
Duo: *glomps onto Heero and kisses him tons* Aishiteru!
Heero: Hn.
Back in the hallway, Dorothy was trying to think of how she wanted
to take advantage of Little Cat's unconsciousness.
Dorothy: You really are quite sexy when you are out cold and
defenseless, Quatre. *leans in to kiss him*
Suddenly, Dorothy found herself pinned against a wall by...someone.
The figure then did a cool backflip and a twirl in the air, and landed
next to Little Cat on its feet. It then picked up the unconscious boy
and snuggled him against his shoulder.
Dorothy: HEY! You can't have him! He's MINE!
Trowa: Correction...he's mine.
Dorothy: How did you...do that?
Trowa: I used to be a travelling acrobat.
Dorothy: Oh. You must be great in bed, then. *wink*
Trowa: Yes, I am. Only my Little Cat knows this for sure, however.
And now...we must be going.
Dorothy: Damn you!
Trowa: C'mon, Happy Wu, we gotta go. Now.
Wufei: Okay.
Treize: Aha, leaving me so soon, Dragon?
Wufei: No, you are coming with us.
Treize: Cool.
Happy Wu and Treize hurriedly got dressed, and the three of them
ran out of the castle back to the stairs, where Robin Heero was
waiting. Along with a very happy Maid Maxwell. Little Cat then woke
up.
Quatre: What happened?
Trowa: We made it. Let's go.
However, Princess Relena wasn't about to let that happen.
Relena: Robin Heero, you're MINE! You aren't going anywhere!
Heero: Ugh.
Duo: *nuzzling Heero's neck* Nuh-uh! MY Robin Heero! Get your own!
Relena: Heero!
Heero: Relena...
Duo: Hmph. Fine.
Heero: *pulls out his bow* Omae o korosu, Relena.
Relena: No!
Relena, the stupid whiny bitch that she is, ran back into the
castle. The six men then rode off together on two horses back to Sanq
Forest, and spent the night fucking and celebrating and such. And they
all lived happily ever after.
And yeah, this story doesn't follow the original Robin Hood one
bit, but I was bored and stupified and crap, so I don't care.
Muahahaha.
THE END (thank Goddess!)