Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Psych.
WARNING: Mentions of self harm and suicide.
1. When Carlton Lassiter was fifteen years, two months and five days old, he tried to kill himself.
2. When Carlton Lassiter was fifteen years, two months and six days old, he woke up and told himself over and over that next time it'd work, next time he'd make it work.
3. There never was a next time.
4. He HATES the name Carlton, that's what his father called him.
5. He can never think of his father without wanting to scrub his body clean, no reason, no reason at all.
6. He has scars that no one will ever see, because there're hidden deep within him, so deep that sometimes even he can't even see them.
7. These times often collide with the many times Shawn Spencer comes to visit him, just him, not anyone else.
8. When Shawn Spencer said those three words, (I LOVE YOU) it took everything Carl… Lassiter had not to say them back.
9. Lassiter always gets a cold feeling in his stomach when a voice (dads) tells him it was just a joke; that no one could ever possible love him.
10. He once tried to tell O'Hara what happened when he was just a child, but everyone gets cold feet.
11. O'Hara is his best friend, and when he looked at her those broken brown eyes, his feet cold as ice, she knew, she just knew, and told him everything was going to be alright, before going back to her paperwork.
12. He believed her.
13. Sometimes, at night, he holds his head under water until his lungs burn; it always makes him feel better.
Carlton (NoNoNoNOnOnONoNO) Lassiter has never brought a knife to his wrist; no matter how many times he has wanted to, this is one of the few things he is proud of.
15. The first time Spencer (SHAWN) called him BEAUTIFUL he wanted to kill the fake psychic, the second time he wanted to kill himself, the third he wanted to kill his father.
16. He has been complimented thirty-two times by Spencer, each time he felt something different, and each time he hates himself a little bit less.
17. Yes, he counted, and yes, he still hates himself.
18. Sometimes, he blames his mother, sometimes be blames his father, but he blames himself all the time.
19. When his mother calls, he sometimes pretends not to be home, letting the phone ring and ring until she gets bored and hangs up, not even bothering to leave a message, Lassiter does this a lot more then he admits.
20. Lassiter has wanted to be a cop since he was fourteen years, two months and three days old, because of Henry Spencer, the man who put his father behind bars, the man who looked him in the eyes and said sorry, it was just a shame that LASSIE was too much of a COWARD to tell him the TRUTH.