Phan Fic-

Based on the song "Back to December" by Taylor Swift

Phil sat alone in the house, again. It was cold for March and he had on two jumpers over his t-shirt. He sat watching the clock, the hands ticked slowly and quietly in the silent house. He was on the sofa , hugging his legs. The house felt empty without Dan. It had been 3 months and Phil still felt cold. He slowly got up and began to run a bath to try and warm himself up. He sat at the side of the bath as the water filled up the empty tub. Phil wished he could be filled up with water like that, something to just fill the emptiness inside him. It was irrational, he thought, seeing as how he had caused this all himself to feel like that. Yet it was all still there and as he changed out of his clothes and climbed into the bath, he just felt the emptiness go in with him.

As the water eventually turned cold Phil climbed out of the bath, wrapped a towel around himself and walked along the hall. The pain still hit him every time he walked past Dan's room and he hurried along to his own room. After changing into dry clothes he decided that he may as well eat something, it had been a while since his last meal. The fridge was almost empty with only a few basic items in there. He would need to go Tesco or something soon to stock up but he needed something to motivate him to go. His "meal" ended up being a limp ham sandwhich and a packet of crisps and some water. Slowly he cleaned up the remains of the food and then went into the living room again and started up his laptop. With a quick pang of guilt he realised that he hadn't put on a new video in a long time and rather than make other people feel miserable he decided to film a really quick one. He ran to his room, avoiding looking at Dan's and started up the camera quickly. He sat down in front of the camera and then it hit him. What was he going to say? He sat there for more than an hour trying to think of something interesting to say, anything to say without him heading towards some breakdown. They didn't know, any of them. They saw them both on the radio show and yet did not know a thing. They probably suspected something but didn't know the whole story. He contemplated telling the story for his video but instead settled on a quick video, filled with "I've been really busy"'s and "There will be something new soon"s. He used to try and edit as quickly as possible yet now he never felt that way anymore. He had to carry on and slowly he edited the video and ended uploading it at 3 am. He knew that some of his subscribers were not awake yet and would be sad at missing the upload of a new video. He knew that some of them would be disappointed in the video, he knew that some of them would want some hilarious adventure of his. Yet he almost didn't care, he just wanted the video up and then he would start to reply to the comments the next day. Right then he wanted his bed, even if he didn't sleep.

He changed into his pajamas, checked that the front door was locked and climbed upstairs to bed. He ignored Dan's door and went into his own room. He flicked off the bedroom light and climbed into bed. He pulled the duvet around him and waited for sleep. It wouldn't come as usual. He hadn't slept properly for days, some nights it would be almost 7 before he finally fell into some form of sleep, other nights he wouldn't sleep at all. Every night was the same though. He would shut his eyes and the same scene hit him over and over again. 16th December last year. Some nights he would cry along with it, he often woke up to find out that it was playing in his dreams and then he remembered that it was real. That night was the same as others. He didn't sleep at all and knew that it would show that day. He looked at his phone at 9am and the phone flashed to show that it was radio day. His heart was torn, he would get to see Dan. Part of him was desperate to see him again, to make it right. The other part of him was scared in case he said no. Phil was stuck in the middle and as he lay there he didn't know what he was going to do. He couldn't pretend to be sick again and part of him still didn't want to let his fans down.

He got dressed and decided that he may as well have breakfast. There were a few hours before the radio show and the planning was already done, he just had to show up and say the lines, answer the calls. Then he could come home again. The rest of his day was spent wandering round the apartment, cleaning the most random things to keep his mind occupied. When he looked at the clock again, he saw he had time for a quick dinner. He would have to go to Tesco the next day, all he was able to find for dinner was some soup that Dan had left and the last slice of bread. After he washed it down with some tap water and left the washing up for when he came home. Quickly he pulled on a coat and called a taxi. Whilst he waited, Phil made sure he had all he needed: phone, keys, wallet. Outside the taxi's horn sounded and Phil left the house, trying to ready himself for the next few hours.

It didn't take long for him to reach the radio studio and as Phil paid the taxi driver, part of him wondered if Dan was already there. Making his way to the radio studio, he checked his twitter as he walked. Plenty of encouraging tweets filled his mentions and he replied to a couple of them before he reached the studio. He had to wait in the prep area for about half an hour before he and Dan would set up the studio for themselves. In the meantime Phil grabbed himself some coffee from the canteen and sat stirring it the sugar slowly as he thought. He smiled as some memories started to creep back into his mind, occasionally he let them back in to give him a sort of boost for the radio show. He remembered last summer, the last good one. He'd been pretty lousy towards Dan at first. He'd gone back to Manchester in June to see some of his old friends and whilst he was distracted he had managed to forget Dan's birthday. Phil hadn't bought him a card or even called him. When he returned to London two days later he apologised many times to Dan, even though Dan said it was okay, Phil tried to make it up to him the rest of that summer. He helped pay for Dan to pay the last bit of money he needed to buy a car and went with Dan as he drove it for the first time. Phil remembered sitting in the passenger seat laughing as Dan got used to the new car, he remembered Dan trying to turn on the indicator and instead he managed to turn on the radio to play at full blast, earning a glare from all the other drivers. He remembered the last good month, October, when they had gone into town and Dan sat opposite him in Starbucks and from nowhere he managed to produce two roses. Phil remembered how good they had smelled and placed them in his bag, promising to look after them. He put them in a little glass vase by his bed and forgot to water them and eventually they started to die. Phil remembered the less happy times. 16th September. When he had been told that a close relative was dangerously ill and Dan held Phil in his arms all night as he cried. In the end, they turned out to be okay yet Phil felt grateful that Dan had been there for him.

As it got to the time that could make or break his heart, Phil went for his last trip to the bathroom. He looked into the bathroom mirror and saw the dark patches under his eyes from the lack of sleep, he tried to smile as he left the bathroom. Like he was on some auto-pilot, he made his way to the studio and with a mixture of relief and sadness he saw that there was only a few people there and Dan wasn't one of them. Phil greeted the people there, saying "hi"s and waving to people in the actual studio he would soon be in. One of the producers checked with him that he was ready and Phil assured him that he was. As it got to 6:45pm, Phil moved into the studio and started to set up. After 5 minutes one of the producers asked him where Dan was. Phil paused before answering that he didn't know. He had forgotten that they still assumed that him and Dan were still living together. Phil turned back to putting up pictures and as he was sending a tweet to remind everyone about the show, the studio door opened. In came Dan, he looked out of breath and it became obvious that he had run part of the way there. He apologised, saying that his taxi had broken down and that he had to run the rest of the way. He avoided looking at Phil as he hurriedly set up. He sent his reminding tweet in the last few seconds before they went live. Phil tried to avoid looking at him back but when the time came for them to be shown on camera, he had to look at him. The radio show was the only time now that they spoke face to face, they planned the radio show briefly on the phone or by email. When Phil looked at Dan, he only had brief chances to look at him. Their eyes only met once and they made conversation quick and Phil wondered if Dan was trying like him not to start crying or something. When the first fan made video came on, Dan moved away to check on something on the other side of the room. Phil looked at him properly then. Dan seemed a little paler, his hair wasn't quite right, his clothes barely matched. Phil couldn't work out how Dan felt inside though and it was time for them to talk to the callers.

The radio show moved on like the others had this year, quickly and painfully. He interacted with Dan with little eye contact between them, even during the Dan vs Phil. Dan didn't seem to be as into it as he used to. Soon it was time for the last request and Phil felt the same mixture of relief and sadness. He wouldn't see Dan again for another week, he wanted to see him and yet he knew he would feel the pain again if he did. Phil shook away the feelings and got ready for the last caller. He made his way through usual "hi" and asked her what she had been doing that day. Then he asked her for the request. She asked for "Back to December" by Taylor Swift and hung up before he could ask who she wanted to dedicate it to. As the song started to play in the studio, Phil listened to the song. He'd never heard it before and listened to the lyrics. Strangely they started to fit in his situation. He looked at Dan as the chorus started and remembered their last December, the day that had haunted him for months. 16th December.

It had started in November, to be exact. They had just come back from the radio station and Phil had turned on his laptop. He had turned onto twitter and was scrolling through all the tweets. He sometimes looked at other tweets to do with the radio show from people he didn't follow. Screenshots that people had edited of the two of them, the reaction tweets. There were thousand of "Phan" related ones, he merely had to type in the word in the twitter search bar and there would be even more. Little did they know, that "Phan", was actually real. Or rather it was on its way to being. Him and Dan had sort of been together in a "Phan" way for a few months, around the time of Phil's birthday. It had been an accident. They had been trying to rearrange the furniture, the two of them were trying to get the coffee table into the right place and Dan kept trying to tell Phil how to move it . Just as they were about to get it into the right place, Phil tripped over the corner of the rug and fell forwards on top of Dan. Their lips briefly touched in the fall and they both looked at each other. Dan smiled nervously at Phil and reached up to give Phil a proper kiss. It lasted for a moment before they pulled away and finally moved the coffee table. The quick kisses kept happening for a month, neither of them seemed to plan them, they just seemed to happen. Over the summer it started to build up more and by the beginning of August, whilst they watched a film, Phil reached out and held Dan's hand. Dan didn't let it go until the end. In September, as they watched the new episodes of Doctor Who , Dan looked over at Phil and touched his cheek. Phil held Dan's hand there with one hand and pulled him over with the other. Phil pulled Dan on top of him and started to kiss him as the Doctor ran around on the screen. Later that month, one night, as Phil was half asleep, he heard his door open. Dan crept into the room and Phil felt Dan lift the covers and climb into the bed next to him. Phil fell asleep and woke to find Dan's arm over his waist. He lay there as he waited for Dan to wake up. They carried on like that until October, with Dan creeping into Phil's bed each night. Phil decided that he wanted to go to bed with Dan properly, no more sneaking around. So when it was time for bed, rather than let Dan go off to his own room and wait for Phil to get into bed, Phil took Dan's hand and led him into the bedroom. They both got into bed and fell asleep with their arms around each other.

So when Phil was searching through the tweets from the radio show he came across one that changed his mind. It was talking about the two of them and the future. Fear slowly started to creep into his mind from that moment on. What sort of future did he and Dan have? Could they have a future together in this way? They hadn't told anyone about what was going on between them, not even their parents. It had just been building up to what they had. It was starting to be a relationship of some sort but Phil didn't know if it was heading anywhere. He loved waking up next to Dan, watching the winter sunlight shine on his tanned skin in the mornings, his sweet smile when he woke up to see Phil next to him. As the month wore on, Phil became more and more fearful about the future. He couldn't keep up what he had with Dan if there was no future for them, it wasn't fair on either of them them. By the time December came, Phil had made up his mind. On their last night together he kissed Dan harder than before, knowing it would be the last time. So on 16th December, Phil took Dan out for dinner. Dan seemed so happy throughout the meal and when it was time to go, Phil suggested that they walk home. They were outside the house when Phil took Dan's hand to stop him. He took both of Dan's hands in his own and looked at him in the eyes and that was when he said the goodbye that would end it all and give them both the freedom that Phil thought they needed. Dan turned away from Phil and ran into the house. He came out moments later with a packed bag, ignoring Phil as he climbed into his car, Phil could see him crying from the door step.

Phil left the memory behind as he listened to the song playing in the studio again. He didn't want the people watching the radio show to see how sad he was. They saw him as happy and he only had to pretend to be that way for a few minutes more. The song ended and it was back to him and Dan. Together they finished up the show, with a quick goodbye and promises for a good show the following week. Then the producers gave the signal that the cameras had turned off as the last song played. Phil started to collect his things and as he did , he started to think. The past few months had taught him that the "freedom" had taught him nothing, he missed Dan. He missed his best friend. He had to sort it out. Dan was quickly collecting his things, his desperation to get away was visible. Phil knew this would be his last chance, if he left it another week he might change his mind. He grabbed his jacket as Dan left the studio and shoved his phone into his pocket. He yanked on his jacket as he hurried after Dan. Dan was almost at the end of the corridor. Phil knew he had to do it, he called out Dan's name. Dan stopped at the end of corridor, his phone in his hand, calling for a taxi to get him away, still facing away from Phil. Phil walked towards him slowly as he turned around. Stopping at about 2 feet away from Dan, Phil held his hands out. He looked Dan straight in the eye as he said,

"Dan, I'm sorry for that night."

Dan looked Phil in the eyes as he said,

"Phil, I-"