Fairy Kyūbi's Retirement
An Ocarina of Konoha/Anbu's Mask oneshot [1]
By
EvilFuzzy9
A/N: In honor of lackofname and her Ocarina of Konoha continuity, which was one of my earliest and most profound inspirations in terms of fanfiction, and in response to her call to raise awareness of Fairy Kyūbi, I have written this mess of a fanfic (of a fanfic). If you haven't read Ocarina of Konoha and/or the (sadly incomplete) Anbu's Mask, then you might be a little confused by this. And if that is the case, then shame on you, mister or miss, go read them right now! I'll wait for you to finish.
...
...
... are they gone?
Good. Now that it's just us cool folks left, let's get on with the show. *Sunglasses*
Content Warnings: Anyone who is at all familiar with my work should be well-acquainted with the fact that I can nary write a damn thing without including some form of gratuitous cheescake or fanservice. And the fact that this is a fic starring Fairy Kyūbi, who is duly credited as my muse for such things, means that it only feels proper for it to include a little something-something for him. *Wink* *Wink* *Nudge* *Nudge*
Also, this fic is basically just a vehicle for fanmade fanservice for fans of lackofname's Ocarina of Konoha in general, and Fairy Kyūbi in particular, thus it has a noticeable dearth of actual plot.
It was a cheerful, busy morning in Termina. The sun was shining it's golden warmth upon the land, its heavenly domain free of cloud or fog. The air was warm, the water was clear, and the moon, as always, watched over the land, day and night, like a great celestial sentinel. There were only three days left until the big festival, and Clock Town was buzzing with excitement as people went to and fro in preparation for the festivities.
But there was also an underlying sense of unease. The moon, a regular fixture of the sky above Termina, now seemed to be ominously looming nearer as its stony, grimacing bulk took up more and more of the skyline. This quite frankly unnatural development had many on edge–heck, some folks were even swearing up and down the street that they could actually see the moon moving closer.
In addition to this, the four realms around Clock Town had descended into chaos. The water of the swamp where the Deku Scrub kingdom was situated had become foul and toxic, and their princess had vanished. Death Mountain, where the peaceful Goron tribe lived, had become engulfed in a freak blizzard unlike any other before it, and their mighty champion Darunia had fallen. The waters of the Great Bay, which were called home by both the acquatic Zora and the amazonian Gerudo Pirates, had grown murky and dark, and the lifeforce of a certain descendent of a certain heroic bloodline was ebbing. And from the accursed, lifeless wastes of Ikana Canyon, where none but the stoutest or most foolhardy of souls dared to tread, there blew an ill wind tainted with the unholy stench of the undead.
Add to all of this the fact that the antics of one mischievous skull kid had people up in a tizzy all over the place, and that the son of Clock Town's mayor had vanished mere weeks before his wedding day, and you had the recipe for tension building up beneath the idyllic surface of this fantastic world, a tension that was slowly but surely straining at the sanity of the denizens of Termina, threatening to snap at any time now and send things straight to heck in a handbasket.
And, in the main square of Clock Town, a certain blonde ninja cum hero of time (accompanied by a certain, increasingly irritable Sound Village kunoichi cum fairy) was waking up to the umpteenth reiteration of the three days before the moon crashed into Termina, annihilating the realm and all who dwelt therein.
But that was neither here nor there. No, that is a story for another time and a more dedicated writer. The story I intend to relate to you, the reader, does not take place within Clock Town, or even the realm of Termina. No, this story takes place in the little-known, far off world of "Hyrule", where a certain red–NOT pink, he can assure you–fairy and former giant buzz-off fox monster was celebrating his freedom from the idiotic antics of his former charge...
"WOOOO!" a small, glowing red lightbulb with wings cheered drunkenly, chugging fine Hylian grog from a mug that was ten times his size. How he held it when he had no limbs to speak of, or how he drank without any visible sort of oral orifice, was a mystery–one best not pondered, for many reasons. "Take your top off!" he crowed lecherously.
His companion–a buxom, blonde, and most importantly of all naked Great Fairy who bore more than a passing resemblance to a certain prank shapeshifting 'jutsu' used by a certain blond ninja who shall not be named in Kyūbi's presence unless you wanted to experience the unique sensation of having your heart surgically removed using a plastic spork–felt an exaggeratedly large sweat-drop form on the side of her head. "Err... But Kurama-pooh..." she mumbled, "I'm not wearing a top..."
The red fairy, who was known to most as Kyūbi, to some as Fairy Kyūbi, and to a very select few as Kurama, blinked blearily (once again, the question of how he did this without the appropriate body parts is best left unasked). He then slammed the mug that was still easily ten times his size down onto the table, splashing a bit of the grog it held onto the Great Fairy's ample bosom. He then watched silently for a few minutes as the droplets of booze dripped down her breasts. "... ... ... well, whaddya know," he slurred, sounding genuinely surpprised by this development. "You really aren't. When did that happen?"
The Great Fairy felt a second sweat-drop join the first. "Uh, dear, how many of those have you had today?" she asked, gesturing towards the mug of booze on the deck table of their cozy, lakeside villa.
"I'unno," Kyūbi grunted in a noncommital tone, "Lost count at 'bout a dozen."
"... Ah, I see... Don't you think you've had enough for today, sweetie?"
"Heck no! I'm finally free of that stupid boy! I gonna keep partying 'til I can't party no more!" he declared, taking another swig of grog.
The two sweat-drops on the Great Fairy's head, having gotten married after a period of courtship and dating and them subsequently decided to start a family of their own, now gave birth to a baby boy sweat-drop. "Honey, you do realize it's been over six years, now, right?"
Fairy Kyūbi's red light paled to something that almost looked pink, but that he would have called something more masculine, like salmon. He floated away from the mug of alcohol, eyeing the blonde warily. "... what's been over six years?" he asked slowly, not entirely certain he wanted to hear the answer.
The Great Fairy (okay, seriously, let's just call her Naruko, since that's pretty much the official fan name for Naruto's sexy jutsu form anyway and 'Great Fairy' is a bitch to type so many times in a row) shook her head sadly. "It's been six years since that story ended," she explained patiently, "...and five and a half years since we got married," she added cheerfully.
Kyūbi choked.
"Free! Free! I'm free last!" Kyūbi sang drunkenly, bobbing up and down and side to side in a decidedly uncoordinated manner. "Free of that obnoxious blonde twit!" he crooned into the onstage microphone at Castle Town Karaoke and Bar.
His lovely wife, who would have been as naked as a jaybird were it not for the thin, ever-present wisps of suspiciously opaque smoke covering her naughty bits, adopted a wounded expression from the table where she was watching her husband make an ass of himself 'to celebrate six years of freedom'. "Kurama-pooooh..." she whined quietly as the crowd booed and jeered and cried for the red fairy to "Get off the damn stage!".
Kyūbi, hearing this, and narrowly dodging a rotten tomato, made a sound like a strangled yelp before quickly zipping out of the line of fire. Floating back to his table (and covertly making several rude gestures at the hecklers), he sat himself on the small table on top of the table.
"So much for karaoke," he grumbled. "How about you, babe? Wanna give the stage a try, or should we blow this popsicle stand and head somewhere more private?" he suggested suggestively. It had taken him a while to come to terms with the fact that he was married, but with a little... persuasion... at Naruko's hands he had quickly come around to the idea. After all, he wasn't as young as he used to be (or as big, powerful, and terrifying), and he couldn't just spend the rest of his life going from village to village, sowing destruction and chaos wherever he pleased (thanks to the damnably limited physical capabilities of his present form), so he supposed that it was about time he settled down. The fact that his wife, as a fairy, had sensibilities much closer to his own than any human (and a bangin' hot bod to go with it) only sealed the deal.
Naruko was silent.
"... babe?" Kyūbi, reluctantly tearing his gaze from the Great Fairy's bountiful chest, looked up at her face.
She was frowning. Her eyes were glistening with tears, and she was sniffling softly.
"... you okay?"
"'Obnoxious blonde twit', huh?" Naruko whispered. "Is that what you really think of me...?"
Kyūbi gulped. "No, no, no! You've got it all wrong!" he whispered, trying to keep from drawing too much attention.
Naruko was unresponsive. She continued to sniffle sadly.
Kyūbi shivered. Those pouting rosy lips and wide, teary, blue eyes were exceedingly dangerous weapons, and not even the ex-bijū was safe from them. "Uh, no not you, dear! I wasn't talking about you!" he yammered nervously, his light winking in and out faintly as he struggled to appease the fickle, easily-offended–but oh so very, very sexy–Great Fairy. "I'd never say something like that about you!" he assured her, floating up to nuzzle comfortingly into her chest. "I was talking about Naruto," he explained for what felt like the umpteenth time as he rubbed against his lover's magnificently soft breasts, internally drooling at the feeling of how the reacted to his touch. "You know the one. He was blonde, remember? Dumber than a sack of rocks and just as ugly. You know, Naruto. The one I was so excited about being free of. Remember? I spent six straight years celebrating getting rid of him. We were talking about him just the other day."
Naruko blinked. "Oh yeah..." she murmured, "That does make sense. He was blonde, wasn't he..." She nodded to herself. "I see."
She then frowned, saying, "Aww, but I thought he was kinda cute..." and hugging the much smaller fairy, squeezing him further into her bosom and continuing to pout even as she tightened her embrace, burying her golf ball sized beau in her cleavage.
"Mrph umph murphle," Kyūbi replied.
The Great Fairy frowned lightly. "I'm sorry, what was that, Kurama-pooh?"
"Umh mamph momph miem miph,"[2] he mumbled, before popping out of her cleavage. Gasping for air, he repeated himself, saying, "Let's not go there. The brat's gone, hopefully for good. I've got a hot girlfriend, a mug of cold booze, and enough rupees in the bank that I could snap the Hylian economy like a twig with the right transaction."
He floated up to give Naruko a kiss.
"I've repressed any and all traumatic memories of that damnable quest and the assorted freaks I've encountered over the course of it," he continued. "I've fulfilled my end of the contract, the mailman might as well be lying in a ditch outside Castle Town, and best of all the goddesses haven't tormented me in years! I'm in my happy place, honeymooning with my incredibly sexy wife—" he growled suggestively here, causing Naruko to giggle, "—with nothing I need to do except get hammered during the day and have wild monkey sex all night, every night. Life is great, and there is no way that anyone–even the goddesses–could ruin it!" he declared brazenly.
Really, he should have known better than to tempt fate. It was a phenomonally stupid move, after all, and looking back on his life years later he would peg it as the single biggest mistake in his incredibly long life. After all, pride, as they say, goeth before the fall, and no man is so secure that he cannot lose everything at the fickle whims of Fate, Fortune, and Chance.
Or Din, Naryu, and Farore, in this case.
The next thing Kyūbi knew, all was darkness and silence. He was stricken with a mindless sleep.
Then, for a time, he knew nothing.
All was darkness. All was silence. All was oblivion. And somewhere in the Great Beyond, a certain two goddesses of power and courage were bickering over the best way to make a certain former-kitsune's life into a living hell while a certain goddess of wisdom tried, in vain, to get them to reconsider this course of action.
After a time unknowable–for all Kyūbi knew, it may have been as brief as a second or as long as the interminable eons of a galaxy's lifespan–the would-be-kitsune's senses returned to him.
The first thing he was aware of was the sound of a faintly familiar voice calling his name.
"Kyūbi. Oi, Kyūbi! Get over here!" [3]
The red–or even almost orange, if you looked at it carefully, but most DEFINITELY not pink–fairy felt his blood go cold. All six milliliters of it. Feeling a sense of dread welling up in the pit of his stomach, he opened his eyes. It was not to the sight of his ultra hot, nine-tenths naked wife and their lakeside villa, as he had hoped.
No, what he saw was something that had haunted his nightmares.
Before him, in the midst of a temperate forest clearing stood a truly massive and ancient tree with a trunk whose bark was gnarled and twisted into the shape of a face that, while not too terribly familiar compared to certain others, was still enough to trigger a minor bout of existential horror in the former demon-beast-thingy-guy. Unwilling to lock "eyes" with the tree, Kyūbi averted his gaze upwards.
What he saw there made the tree seem like nothing. In the middle of the air, letters hung on nothing, alligned in neat rows to form words and sentences. And what they said put the icing on the trauma cake, so to speak.
'Our legend takes place long ago, in a forest far, far away…so far away you could even call it fictional…there lived a boy. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy who was hated by his entire village.
Unfortunately, said blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy was off in Majora's Mask. So the casting director plucked out the nearest blue-eyed blonde who was hated by his village handy. This boy's name was Naruto Uzumaki.
The reason he was hated was because he didn't have a fairy. In any other village, this would be considered quite normal – in fact, it would be stranger if you did have a floating glow-ball following you everywhere. Awfully awkward, too…you would have no privacy…
That is…rather…ahem. The village had a god called the Great Deku Tree…in fact, it is with this great tree that our tale begins…'
Kyūbi couldn't help but scream.
[1]: Yeah, it's a fanfic of a fanfic. What, you wanna make something of it?
[2]: Translation: "I can't talk like this."
For some reason, I really like writing speech that is altered in some fashion, whether slurred, accented, or muffled. Whether or not I'm actually any good at doing so is another matter entirely.
[3]: This is straight from lackofname's Ocarina of Konoha, the only alterations being changing 'Kyuubi' to 'Kyūbi' for the sake of consistency and my obsessive weaboo romanization preferences. :3
A/N: And that's what I imagine happened to Fairy Kyūbi after the events of OoK. :P
Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it~
And be sure to give due props to lackofname for inspiring this.
TTFN and R&R!