I guess what drew me in first was her eyes. God, those eyes.I saw them
first in a picture, at her house, when I went there with Luke for dinner.
Even then, before I had even met her, I felt as if I knew her by those
beautiful blue eyes. Looking at them alone you could see how innocent she
was. Her innocence was what really finished me off. It wasn't a naïve
innocence either, just.innocence. Plain and simple. Perfect. Just like
the rest of her.
I had never known anyone remotely like her. I still don't understand her at all. How could she be so incredibly innocent, but still know so much? The two traits normally don't go together. But with her they fit perfectly; it was almost as if they were created for one another. Innocence used to be a trait that I looked down upon, one that I scorned bitterly. It was only in her that it appealed to me. But, then again, she did a number of things that no one else ever did to me.
She looked past my façade and actually got to know me as a person. And the real person that I am, not just the one I sell to everyone else. The me that hadn't seen the light of day since God knows when. The me that went into hiding and swore never to come out. Until her. Now I find myself coming out more and more.
She believes in me. Is that crazy or what? Me. The evil Jess: the rebel with a cause (just not one everyone was aware of). She thought I could do anything, and tried to get me to see it too. Even though I already know that. I just choose not to see it anymore. But she does. And there were a few times when she almost brought it back into view.
She cares about me enough to reprimand me. A lot of people just choose to give up. They can't stick it out with me, and I guess I really can't blame them. I try to be a lost cause. But she won't let me. She absolutely will not give up. When I do something stupid or wrong, she gets mad at me instead of just expecting it. She is the only person in my entire life- with the exception of Luke-that has done that for me. God, it confuses the hell out of me.
She makes me want to do things I never would have done in any other universe. But I'm in a different universe now. And I'm doing all sorts of crazy things. Crazy for me, at least. I want to please her. I try for her. I try in school, with Luke, with this town.with me. I'm changing in ways I can't understand. Not many people are perceptive enough to see the changes yet, but I can feel them. And I know they'll come out to the world in time. I just don't understand why this is happening.
Why did I have to fall for this girl? This girl-who is so unbelievably different from me in so many ways. She knows where she wants to go in life. She has ambitions. For Christ's sake, her best friend is her mother! I can't even look my mother in the eye anymore. So tell me, please, what the hell am I doing thinking about her all the time? Maybe it's not a problem that she's so different than me. Maybe the reason I need her so much, the reason I'm addicted to her is really because we're different. Just different enough. Maybe that's exactly what I need.
People always say, "everything happens for a reason," but I never believed a word of that fate bullshit. But now.now I'm just not sure anymore. I don't know why the hell I was "meant" to be in Stars Hollow, or whatever. Believe me, I thought about just getting off of that bus and taking off. Hitchhiking clear across to Whereverville, USA. But for some crazy, unknown reason, I stayed on. And look at me now. Good Lord, even I can't believe it. I actually look forward to getting up in the mornings. For once in my life I have something to live for. Something to think about whether or not I'm going to get caught for whatever stupid stunt I'm pulling at the moment, or the latest book I'm lost in. And now I have someone to talk about those books with. Someone who understands how magical it is. Hell, I have someone to talk to about anything. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. In a way, I hope I never will. I never want to take this feeling for granted. It's too amazing to do that. There's just something about that rush, early in the morning, from knowing I'll get to see her soon that is absolutely unreal.
And even though she denies it vehemently, I know she feels the same way. I guess we're both in denial. But it's obvious. It must be obvious if Luke can tell. But, honestly? I am scared out of my mind. What if I'm wrong? What if this is all in my head? I'm not one to break easily, but if anyone can do it to me, it's her. And I have no clue what to do. I think that I'm falling in love with her. In fact, I think that I'm in love with her already.
And the funny thing is, I can't pinpoint what it is exactly that I'm so crazy about, anyway. Sure, I could state the obvious: she's beautiful, sweet, funny, etc. And I am attracted to those things as well as other no- brainers. But everyone knows those things about her. It's almost doing her a disservice. Because what I'm really addicted to are things that other people probably overlook. The way she gets so flustered whenever someone tries to pay her a compliment. That slight smile on her face whenever she's reading. Her babbling when she gets angry or uncomfortable. The dancing in her eyes when she's in a good conversation. Even the way she shovels the food in when she eats. Things like that.
And somehow, I've noticed that all of these things seem to come back to her innocence. The world revolves around it. There's just not escaping that beautiful, perfect innocence.
I had never known anyone remotely like her. I still don't understand her at all. How could she be so incredibly innocent, but still know so much? The two traits normally don't go together. But with her they fit perfectly; it was almost as if they were created for one another. Innocence used to be a trait that I looked down upon, one that I scorned bitterly. It was only in her that it appealed to me. But, then again, she did a number of things that no one else ever did to me.
She looked past my façade and actually got to know me as a person. And the real person that I am, not just the one I sell to everyone else. The me that hadn't seen the light of day since God knows when. The me that went into hiding and swore never to come out. Until her. Now I find myself coming out more and more.
She believes in me. Is that crazy or what? Me. The evil Jess: the rebel with a cause (just not one everyone was aware of). She thought I could do anything, and tried to get me to see it too. Even though I already know that. I just choose not to see it anymore. But she does. And there were a few times when she almost brought it back into view.
She cares about me enough to reprimand me. A lot of people just choose to give up. They can't stick it out with me, and I guess I really can't blame them. I try to be a lost cause. But she won't let me. She absolutely will not give up. When I do something stupid or wrong, she gets mad at me instead of just expecting it. She is the only person in my entire life- with the exception of Luke-that has done that for me. God, it confuses the hell out of me.
She makes me want to do things I never would have done in any other universe. But I'm in a different universe now. And I'm doing all sorts of crazy things. Crazy for me, at least. I want to please her. I try for her. I try in school, with Luke, with this town.with me. I'm changing in ways I can't understand. Not many people are perceptive enough to see the changes yet, but I can feel them. And I know they'll come out to the world in time. I just don't understand why this is happening.
Why did I have to fall for this girl? This girl-who is so unbelievably different from me in so many ways. She knows where she wants to go in life. She has ambitions. For Christ's sake, her best friend is her mother! I can't even look my mother in the eye anymore. So tell me, please, what the hell am I doing thinking about her all the time? Maybe it's not a problem that she's so different than me. Maybe the reason I need her so much, the reason I'm addicted to her is really because we're different. Just different enough. Maybe that's exactly what I need.
People always say, "everything happens for a reason," but I never believed a word of that fate bullshit. But now.now I'm just not sure anymore. I don't know why the hell I was "meant" to be in Stars Hollow, or whatever. Believe me, I thought about just getting off of that bus and taking off. Hitchhiking clear across to Whereverville, USA. But for some crazy, unknown reason, I stayed on. And look at me now. Good Lord, even I can't believe it. I actually look forward to getting up in the mornings. For once in my life I have something to live for. Something to think about whether or not I'm going to get caught for whatever stupid stunt I'm pulling at the moment, or the latest book I'm lost in. And now I have someone to talk about those books with. Someone who understands how magical it is. Hell, I have someone to talk to about anything. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. In a way, I hope I never will. I never want to take this feeling for granted. It's too amazing to do that. There's just something about that rush, early in the morning, from knowing I'll get to see her soon that is absolutely unreal.
And even though she denies it vehemently, I know she feels the same way. I guess we're both in denial. But it's obvious. It must be obvious if Luke can tell. But, honestly? I am scared out of my mind. What if I'm wrong? What if this is all in my head? I'm not one to break easily, but if anyone can do it to me, it's her. And I have no clue what to do. I think that I'm falling in love with her. In fact, I think that I'm in love with her already.
And the funny thing is, I can't pinpoint what it is exactly that I'm so crazy about, anyway. Sure, I could state the obvious: she's beautiful, sweet, funny, etc. And I am attracted to those things as well as other no- brainers. But everyone knows those things about her. It's almost doing her a disservice. Because what I'm really addicted to are things that other people probably overlook. The way she gets so flustered whenever someone tries to pay her a compliment. That slight smile on her face whenever she's reading. Her babbling when she gets angry or uncomfortable. The dancing in her eyes when she's in a good conversation. Even the way she shovels the food in when she eats. Things like that.
And somehow, I've noticed that all of these things seem to come back to her innocence. The world revolves around it. There's just not escaping that beautiful, perfect innocence.