Disclaimer: I don't own anything, the anime and manga is licensed in American by VIZ and is owned by Saki Hiwatari. I'm just a poor Filipino. ;.; xD
A/N: Sorry if the anime viewers don't understand some of the events and themes I describe in my story, since a lot of it applies to themes shown in the manga. A lot of the more cornier-sounding sentences are direct quotes from my old scanlation. And sometimes it can be melodramatic. In fact, I'm quite sure most of it is melodramatic. Please read and review. You can even have digital lychee jelly if you do! And thanks to my beta, Armand. clingeths
Karma
By Patricia K. "Ujikofuda"
I don't like karma.
It's something that has always made me frustrated, throwing me into temper tantrums. I try not to think about karma too much, but it always ends up happening, bringing me back into my past.
Karma has everything to do with my past, my current life, and Sarjalim. It has been something that had ruled the entire way my home was.
If we had been more respectful… would Sarjalim still care? The Mother Planet… would it have continued to go on living, to not fall down, relying on the Kiche-Sarjalims to bring it back?
But why am I the one who is favored?
I had killed those men in the war, brutally, selfishly, with a bestial instinct to survive. I was completely selfish. They end up stone-cold dead on the floor of that pitiful hut. And me?
I'm favored. I'm alive, despite what I did to them.
"Sarjalim will still bless me if I hurt others to survive, right?"
I will never understand it. A person --a goddess-- is in no way similar to my mechanical career. I input one thing and I get one thing back out, just like that. If there's a problem, it can be fixed with the tightening of a screw, the removal of certain data. There weren't things like morals and pride and love. No emotion.
KK-101 became a home for me, lush and inviting… with information that I could cherish. It reminded me of something that I had, long ago. It was something warm and fuzzy, the kind of thing that you would just cling to go to bed at night. It was something that was almost too perfect.
Yeah, it was too perfect.
This planet became a starting point for all of us, like a crisp new leaf in a bright book. The pages were absolutely blank, pure, and seemingly solid. But that was simply because there was nothing on it.
Is nothing good?
KK-101 was our home, even though we didn't remember it, even though there was seemingly no connection to it before. It was the returning instinct of fishes, with us all swimming rapidly, following a path that had been carved into our unconsciousness.
This world was beautiful, but it was tainted.
The new page in our book suddenly had panels, it had characters, and it had lines… It even had sound effects like those in my manga. But when our lives all started over, with the past conflicts gone, the new ones arose.
Seeking Paradise in a Dream.
Seeking something nice, something just wonderful… in a realm that isn't real. In a realm that will never EVER happen. It wasn't palpable. I have always been living in these kinds of dreams because I had no real reality to be happy in. I was always living in them, oblivious to things that were going on around me. People thought I was cold because of it. I don't blame them.
My manga were definitely a base for my dreams. KK had wonderful things.
These stories seemed so real, but they seemed so satisfying. They didn't anything such as real hurt in it, because all of the problems were resolved by the ending of the story.
Ah… I really wish my story could end just by dying.
But these manga, these comic books with intricate plots and fleshed out characters, they reminded me of something I used to have. But not the whole of it.
I will admit that I almost hated Mokuren. I don't know why I agreed to let her go into my mind, to shuffle through it as if it were a database on the culture of KK-101. I had been interested in her before she did that, but after she revealed my paradise I despised her, even if temporary.
The painful memories of tall grass and blue skies… the house in the middle of that peaceful sanctuary, and the people who lived there shocked me. Everything became shockingly vivid. So vivid it almost hurt.
"You're not mad at me?"
I realize now that the dream she gave me wasn't whole. It was only perfect because it was missing ideal parts like a mosaic without a few tiles. That was why it seemed so entrancing to me.
But my dislike of Mokuren didn't last very long, and the other men at our base didn't help at all. They adored her and believed in her like a mother would a child. They showered affection on her, casting such a bright light that everyone else was in complete darkness. I could have been jealous of her because of all of this, but I wasn't.
They believed in her, but did they believe in me?
That was why I was attracted to Mokuren. She was something that I could never be, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what incarnation I was. She was more blessed than I was. She didn't hurt others to survive Didshe?
No. She couldn't have.
I hurt the biologist like I had hurt Lazlo and Kyaa. It's very ironic really, because I had loved them all. I always end up harming the ones I cherish most. I've come to realize that it's because I'm so possessive about them. I want to cling onto that dream, but it always ends up slipping out of my fingers like that wretched sand on that wretched beach.
She slipped away from me after I hurt her.
She harmed me.
Did I ever apologize?
But now, as I live on this blue planet --this oasis in an otherwise dead solar system-- I watch you from a wall that was never there before. And the funny thing is that I'm watching you with the person that erected that wall.
This is harm, this is hurt.
It was like those manga! "As long as she's happy I'll be happy, even if we're not together."
I don't know if I really believed in that.
I was going to make this life of mine better than it was before. I was going to improve on it and not just be the observer I used to be, living in something that was false. I'm returning to the future.
But it is not over! It is not over! It will not end with my dreams. I'm going to make KK-101, Earth, my home, as it was with Lazlo and Kyaa. Now I have the power to secure it, to protect it. That's why I hurt them. Shuukaido has always been in the way of my idea of home, so I will have to hurt him. My goddess has to forgive me she cannot cast me down into darkness.
You, Shuukaido, are defenseless against me now. There will be no more hell of isolation. Karma is turning back on you for all the dirty deeds you've done.
Will Sarjalim still bless me because I am only hurting others to survive; to make my dreams survive.
I'm sorry, Shuukaido.
Karma is turning away from me and onto you. It's a never-ending cycle, a hell that Sarjalim put on us.
Because this time, no matter if I suffer for it later on… I'm returning home!
"We're going to return home, Shion! Together."