Author's Note: Alright y'all... It's 1:00 in the morning... I should be sleeping, but for some reason I'm reading horrible fics about Spike returning for Season 7 (no offense... Uh, yeah.). I've noticed an abundance of rather striking similarities between all of them and decided to point them all out... Here goes....

(Btw, it's supposed to be written poorly... Note the sarcasm, please. Get it? Sarr Chasm... Sarrchasm... SARCASM!)

Part I: Out of Africa

The door knocked. No, there was a knock on the door. (What does a knock look like, anyway?) Buffy rushed to the door that was knocking... Or being knocked.

"Oh My GOD!!" exclaimed she. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets no peace in this house!" She ignored the little voice that exclaimed (exclaimed exclaimed exclaimed) "Fo' sho'!"

Standing on her doorstep was...

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A/N: *Um, ok everyone! That's it! How do you think that is for a cliffhanger? Teehee! PLZ review or I might not be able to go on anymore!! Teehee!!*

Reviews:

SPIKEisHOTTzz reviewed: Thiz haz to be the bezt thing I've EVER EVER read... OMG! I gotta put thiz on my favoritez lizt like... RIGHT NOW! ...Hang on.

JuuJuuBeens reviewed: You're really sad, you know that?

KareBares2031 reviewed: It's so nice to have a refresher from all those mindless Spike-returning fanfics out there... I think you're handling the subject *very* well. Awesome cliffhanger, it'll definitely keep me reading for more!!

Part II: More Man than Monster

"OMG! It's Spike!!!!" Buffy fainted, but not before noticing that he was standing outside in the (ok, brace yourselves...) SUNLIGHT!

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Buffy woke up later. How the hell should *I* know what time it was? Do I look like I was there?! No. I wasn't. It was just later.

Spike was towering over her in his coat... The one that he left at her house before his sojourn, but no one really cares how he got it back... Looking at her funny.

"Buffy... Love? I'm... uh.... Back?" Buffy gulped. This was too much for one day. She squared her little shoulders (even though she was still strewn across her doorstep. Goddamn Spike didn't even MOVE her into the house.), took a deep breath, and prepared to ask a really really really hard question.

"Where were you Spike?"

He looked at her for a moment before smiling, much like imposter Spikes smile. Uncharacteristically.

"Africa! I got a shiny new penny... I mean soul! Shiny new SOUL!" Buffy punched Spike in the nose, because obviously that's what she's supposed to do.

"WHAT?!?!"

"Yes. Soul. Kinda like the kinds on the bottom of your shews-- Shoes. I mean, shoos... NO, SHOES!"

Buffy nodded.

"Ooookkk...." Buffy paused. (See Buffy run. Run Buffy run!) "Spike, I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for the bathroom seeing during 'Seeing Red.'" An employee of BtVS, the show, ran in and smacked Buffy on the head with a copyright infringement lawsuit. She pointed to the stack of the rest of them on the coffee table.

Spike teared up and was soon bawling like a widdle baby. Awww... Isn't he cute? He through himself at her feet and pounded the floor with both fists.

"No! I don't deserve to be forgiven! I was such a monster! But now... Now, Buffy... Now I'm a *MAN*!" Buffy looked at the sunlight and then back at Spike.

"Good. You need a tan."

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A/N: Like... Yeah! That's it! All done. THE END!!

...

Fooled you! You think I'd REALLY stop after all the AWESOME feedback you guys have given me?! Like... no WA-AY!

*Real* Author's Note: Wow. That was actually painful. I hope you enjoy pain. I'm sadistic like that.