"A Day in the Life of a Sane Yakuza"
Disclaimer/Author's Notes: If I owned "Versus" I might be able to say more than idiot in Japanese. Seriously, I'm a Japanese moron, but I'm learning. Slowly but surely. Flaming zombies are a good reason to learn about another culture. This story was inspired by the many thousands of lovely "A Day in the Life..." tales that are in practically every fandom on the Net. This was written rather quickly and is very, very different from how I usually write. The lack of dialogue is a big shocker for me. I think I like the choppiness of it though. After lots of thought I decided to go with the actors' names in the story. Ayumi is the pistol-carrying mercenary from the movie, for anybody that doesn't already know and doesn't want to look it up. Please enjoy. Or Kazuhito will shoot you in the head.
Absurdly Kazuhito woke up at 4:30 in the morning. He blinked sleepily at the ceiling, stretched his arm over to the screeching alarm clock and turned it off. On the way back his fingers brushed against his favorite handgun and his glasses.
He thought for a moment but just picked up the glasses.
He dragged himself out of bed, not sparing a glance for the empty space next to him, and shuffled over to the closet like a recently reanimated zombie. After precisely five seconds of contemplation he settled on a long-sleeved black shirt and a very comfortable pair of slacks.
Comfort was all-important in his line of work, at least in his opinion.
After closing the closet door he caught a quick glimpse of himself in the full-length mirror that somebody—who was decidedly not him—had thought needed to be in the bedroom. He paused and blinked hard at his reflection.
More precisely he blinked at the huge, teeth-marked bruises that stretched from the middle of his neck and disappeared under the collar of his shirt. He stretched the material slightly in order to follow the bruises to their conclusion on the edge of his collarbone.
Ridiculous. Nobody's mouth was that big.
Kazuhito released his shirt with first of the day's heavy sighs and considered changing his shirt. Another look through the closet showed him that he didn't own a turtleneck and the only one in there was a rather lurid purple color.
Fuck it. He didn't care what those assholes thought anyway.
Then he was dragging himself into the bathroom like a slightly perkier zombie. He squinted at the container of toothpaste and wondered if he needed to have his glasses checked.
Surely Kenji didn't think that vanilla and mint should go together in toothpaste form. Nobody could be that crazy.
Kazuhito soon found out that he was mistaken.
Somebody could be that crazy and he was fool enough to let him go grocery shopping alone.
And the toothpaste tasted like shit.
At 4:45 Kazuhito found his way into the kitchen, where Kenji was obviously waiting for him. Kazuhito discovered that his partner had been awake for the past three hours. In that time he had broken the speaker on the computer, started a load of laundry only to forget about it in the dryer, fixed enough breakfast for five people, eaten it all, and touched himself inappropriately while watching a documentary on sharks.
Kazuhito sighed again and started a large pot of coffee.
By 5:14 he had finished off the last of the coffee and Kenji.
Kenji returned the favor and they found their way into the shower at 5:30. They emerged at 6:10, much to Kazuhito's dismay. He'd woken up early two hours early and they'd still be late.
And he had a new hickey to add to his growing collection.
Crazy, horny bastard.
By breaking all the speed limits in the city, they arrived at the meeting place by 6:40. Kenji had spent most of the car ride changing the radio station back and forth between opera, showtunes, and pop. Kazuhito sighed only twice.
The runt giggled nervously when he saw the marks on Kazuhito's neck and said something he thought was terribly clever. The pony-tailed jackass said something bitchy, his eyes dark with disapproval. Kazuhito ignored them both with ease and was thankful that his lover had gone to speak with the little boss.
Kenji tended to overreact to things.
At 7:00 they left the warehouse and drove out to a private business on a seedy part of town. The leather-wearing asshole rode out front on his motorcycle and Kenji said something funny about his sleeveless jacket and fetish transvestites.
Kazuhito almost smiled. The runt snickered nervously. The little boss grunted and ignored Kenji for the rest of the trip.
That was really the best policy.
They attacked the business owner and his surprisingly large number of personal bodyguards at 7:48.
Kazuhito was glad that he'd brought his best semi-automatic.
By 8:20 the fight was over. The runt was crowing over the three men he'd managed to kill by himself. The little boss reminded everybody else once again that the short idiot was the head boss's cousin.
Kenji was silently demanding praise from Kazuhito for staying so focused during the fight. He was leaning on him in a way that made Kazuhito feel short.
Kazuhito gave him a switchblade he'd taken off a corpse. The crazy bastard smiled like he'd won the lottery and tried to kiss him in front of the others.
A handgun pointed at his face deterred him slightly and he settled for pinching Kazuhito's ass before bounding away.
That tattooed moron said something else bitchy. Kenji heard this time and grinned in a way that had Kazuhito reaching for his shotgun. Kenji said something spectacularly bitchy and a little dirty before patting the moron on the cheek.
The little boss distracted them all by ordering them to clear out the bodies.
They searched the business sector for a vehicle large enough to do this until 9:00. Kazuhito spent most of the time trying to keep Kenji's hands off of him as they searched together. He mostly succeeded. The runt actually made himself useful by stealing a truck near a brothel.
By 10:24 they reached the forest. As per the head boss's usual instructions they buried the bodies with their guns.
Kazuhito thought it was a damned waste of good bullets but he didn't say anything.
They all separated without exchanging pleasantries.
At 12:10, Kazuhito and Kenji arrived back at their apartment building, after filling their bellies with something cheap and fattening.
As usual Kenji was still wired after the fighting and jumped Kazuhito as soon as they reached their floor. Kazuhito was impressed by his restraint and didn't scold him.
They made it to their apartment with minimal trouble and actually stumbled into the bedroom by 12:18.
Sex commenced for the better part of the next hour.
Kazuhito was amazed when Kenji rolled over next to him at 1:22 and fell right to sleep. It was with no small amount of relief that Kazuhito settled himself on the side of Kenji that wasn't twitching—the left as that was the side that Kazuhito usually slept on—and listened to his lover mumble nonsensically in his sleep.
There was definitely a smile on Kazuhito's face as he drifted off. A small one.
He woke back up at 4:15 to the sound of gunfire.
He rolled across the empty right side of the bed, his favorite gun in hand, and crept quietly towards the living room.
A pretty woman in a nice coat with a great pair of pistols was straddling Kenji. She was pointing one of the pistols in his face while he was forcing away the arm holding her other one. The wall beside them was still smoking from the bullet hole.
Kazuhito sighed and greeted Ayumi politely before going over to examine the hole in the wall. Thankfully the bullet had gone through the bathroom wall. He mentally calculated the cost of fixing it and sighed.
Then he had to spend the next thirty minutes mediating the argument Ayumi and Kenji had been having prior to the slaying of the bathroom wall.
He sided with Ayumi as Kenji's argument made no fucking sense.
The gun-toting female assassin stayed for dinner. Kenji cooked, but with a sullen expression on his face.
He cheered up at 6:25 when a rival gang attacked the apartment. Not for the first time, Kazuhito was thankful that the head boss owned their building.
Kenji fought a machete-carrying former co-worker of his until Kazuhito shot him at 7:29. The rest of the gang had been killed and removed much earlier. Ayumi had left and Kazuhito really wanted to watch the news.
Kenji pouted until Kazuhito cuddled with him. They agreed to dispose of the body in the morning. Until then they discovered that it made a delightful coffee table. Kenji watched television quietly for a record of ten minutes before pinning Kazuhito to the couch.
By 7:42 Kazuhito finally stopped trying to watch the news and gave in to his partner's very insistent advances.
Sex commenced for the better part of the next hour. At some point during that time they made their way back into the shower.
Kenji liked to multitask. Kazuhito just wanted to wash his hair again. He hadn't realized he still had blood in it.
9:00 found them back in the living room. By now Kenji was as calm as he ever was and Kazuhito decided to chance watching a whole movie.
They decided on "Audition" after a brief discussion. Kenji paid some attention to the main character's son but predictably found all the emphasis on women boring. He perked up some near the end and grew quite affectionate. Kazuhito found himself strangely aroused by the crazy woman and pinned Kenji to the couch while the credits were rolling.
They returned to bed by 11:35. Kazuhito made sure that the alarm clock was turned off as they didn't have to work tomorrow.
By 11:40 Kenji was fast asleep and mumbling something about a giant squid and happy, happy cowboys.
Kazuhito checked to make sure his gun was reloaded and set his glasses next to it on the nightstand. He sighed contentedly and snuggled up to the snoring, amazingly tranquil Kenji.
He liked his life just the way it was.
Although he could do without that stupid runt and that shit-faced, leather-wearing bitch-boy.
But nobody's life was perfect.
He was asleep by 11:44.