Warnings: mentions of alcoholism and sex; some prejudice; no exact timeline
Words: 1742
Prompts:
5. (quote)"I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it" – Jonathan Safran Foe
7. (song) State Champs – Stick Around
13. (restriction) No using the word 'Hogwarts'
Character/pairing – Sirius Black
Darkness or Madness
For as long as Sirius could remember, there had always been something about the Dark Arts that entranced and repelled him at the same time with equal vigour. There was something about them, something that he could not quite put his finger on, which made them so... so intoxicating. Perhaps a better word existed to describe the situation, but Sirius (despite the long and tedious hours he had been forced to spent in the library by his grandfather to memorise all the flowery words the English language has to offer) could not think of one. In his heart of hearts he knew the Dark Arts were, if not evil, not exactly good or socially acceptable. There was something wrong with them, with the sacrifice they required and the seductive power they offered.
This thick, too sweet, too dense and too heavy feeling he got when he is around (or cast) Dark magic (so different from the almost feathery-light and transparent one of the Light magic), which was so, so wrong and yet incredibly right at the same time.
James and all the others in Gryffindor used to look at him funny whenever he mentioned something related too closely to the Dark Arts. They would talk in those hushed voices between each other how a Black is Black no matter what and how snakes can shed their skin but still be snakes. And he was always at a loss how to explain himself or make them understand. They were (and still are) too Light, too good and too... impure to even begin to comprehend.
x
And then he ran away from home.
x
Sirius tried to forget the Dark Arts. He tried his hardest to hush the voice telling him to cast just one curse; tried to ignore the itching to grab his wand and just find someone or something; tired to quell the longing he felt for the unique taste of the Dark magic. Sometimes he succeeded. Sometimes he managed to forget where he came from, who he really was and to quiet his blood. Sometimes he even managed to fool himself into thinking that h e was someone else, someone lacking the background, upbringing and pure blood of Sirius Orion Black III.
And then his blood would sing to him so loudly that he could do nothing but go to his (heavily warded) attic and cats curse after curse after curse for hours and destroy countless training dummies in his attempts to get rid of the constant itching...
x
... then he would go to the nearest pub and drink until nothing else mattered and he was at peace with himself for a couple blessed hours. The following morning, he would wake up with a raging hangover, drink that disgusting potion to relieve the feeling of nausea and the headache and carry on with his day as if nothing was amiss.
x
One day, when Sirius was around seven, he snuck into his Father's study in the middle of the night and went through his things. In retrospect, became painfully obvious that this had been some sort of a test set by Orion Black to see how his heir would react to Dark magic, but how was a seven-year-old boy supposed to know that? Orion Black's rather poor parenting skills aside, what little Sirius found that night was a book illustrating some of the tamer Dark curses; not the gory and bloody ones, but all those that could be used to prank people and were relatively harmless.
x
He stole the book and didn't return it even after he had memorized it.
x
During the time he was in Azkaban and then the year in his childhood home, Sirius would often think of a saying about his family, especially when he would hear the screams of his now-deranged cousin. A Black will either shine through the Darkness or fall into madness.
Sometimes he would wonder which applied to him. In time, madness seemed more and more believable, but then he would remember the yellow pages of his book and the feeling he used to get when he would cast any of those spells and abandon all thoughts of that matter. What did some plebeian knew of the Blacks, anyway?
x
Only once did anyone try to talk to him about his drinking. Unsurprisingly (and slightly insultingly) the person was Lily. The witch was smart and observant, not at all like a Mudblood (but then again, it was all about the manners really) and Sirius counted her as one of his closer friends.
(Not that Blacks had friends, they had allies and acquaintances, but she was unimportant enough to be an ally and too close to be a mere acquaintance, so 'friend' really was the only word for it.)
But when she started using words such as 'alcoholism' and 'addiction' only years of Heir-future-Lord black training prevented the wizard from laughing in her face. The drinking (which was not a problem, thank you very much) was the result of his 'addiction' towards the Dark Arts not an addiction.
He did read the literature Lily gave him, if only to make sure she would not babble any of this to James. Sirius adored his cousin, he really did, but it was his business (and not a problem) not James's and the man would worry and fret and be generally annoying.
(That and when Lily was four months pregnant in the middle of a war, she and the baby were priority.)
x
The pamphlet suggested taking up a hobby. (And attending some 'AAA' meeting but he would be damned if he were to waste his time with Muggles.)
Going to the pub counted as a hobby, right?
x
Probably the only time Sirius had felt truly happy without doing something Dark Arts related was the brief period he dated Emmeline Vance after graduation. The seven months they spent together were the only time he wouldn't thing about casting curses all the time. And even if he did, Emmeline was hardly the perfect pure Light witch.
The first time he mentioned wanting to go out and exercise (probably blow up a tree or something) the blond-haired beauty had asked him to duel her instead.
("I'm not sure you can keep up," he'd tried to deflect.
"Shouldn't that be my line, pretty boy?" she'd answered with a predatory grin. "You're not the only one knowledgeable of the Dark Arts, you know?")
Probably that was the day he fell in love with her.
x
During the course of their relationship (which ended soon after the two of them joined the Order of the Phoenix and if it wasn't for the irony he would have used the word 'flames' as well, but there was no rebirth for them) Sirius felt that he progressively became more and more sappy until he was very nearly saying lines about eternal love or some other equally disturbing notion.
(Had they had more time, he probably would have sank even lower and be happy with it.)
x
Sirius never did manage to use the word 'love' (neither did Emmeline) regardless of how much their mutual friends would toss it around.
(Years later, when they would meet again in his house - both much older - he would look at her and feel nothing but emptiness and wonder if there ever had been any love between them at all.)
They never used 'like' or 'adore' or any other similar word. However, the passion with which he would kiss her and the equal one she would return the kiss were unlike anything he had ever experienced before (or after) said enough.
x
The first time Sirius tried to be romantic, she laughed at his face.
x
They were laying on his king-sized bed (nothing less for a Black, even if a disgraced one); both still naked and sweaty from previous activities. It had hardly been their first time together, so by now Emmeline's lithe form laying all over him, with her blond hair so close to his face that Sirius could easily smell her shampoo (jasmine), and his hands wrapped around her tiny waist (and how exactly did she manage to pack such a punch when she was so little) was expected.
"I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once into it and now I am the happiest man on Earth because of you," he had whispered in the darkness, his lips so close to her right ear that the wizard felt her shiver because of his breath.
Emmeline laughed and told him to stop trying to be romantic when it clearly didn't work for him.
(He never mentioned that being romantic didn't work for her either and probably that was the reason they clicked so well.)
x
Then they joined the Order, the war got worst and they saw (and caused) way too much death to be capable of being in a relationship.
x
He used to wonder, during those first few days after their parting (because a Black did not break up with someone, he parted ways with them), if saying something would have prevented it. In the end, he decided that the war had damaged them too much and nothing he could have done would have been enough.
(The song he had wanted to sing for her was a Muggle one and that was an insult on its own, even if the lyrics were just perfect. He really was rather poor at the romance thing.)
(This is a call for all the wasted days
And things I forgot to say
Like you bring me down)
x
Soon after they broke up, they stopped duelling. It was way too easy to lose oneself in the Dark Arts in the heat of a battle and had they continued - one would have maimed or killed the other.
The only option Sirius had left was firing curses at dummies. It helped about as much as the drinking did, which is to say – not nearly enough.
x
When Sirius realized that Peter was the traitor, he had never felt more grateful at his father for teaching him the Dark Arts. If even a hair had been hurt from James' or Lily's or (Mordred forbid) Harry's head, that oath-breaker would realize exactly why the Blacks had their reputation in the smallest, goriest, most painful detail.