A friend asked me to write this. It's mean to be funny. A lot of the material will be poking fun of all the things fans write. I could be wrong, but I believe the cast thinks all this stuff is hilarious. Or at the very least, saying they don't mind to keep from making anyone mad, which is kind of stupid.
Character Complaints
Chapter 1: Voldemort, Love, and Babies
"Hey, guys! Guys, we're on!" Everyone just kept talking, completely ignoring Ginny. Finally, after two more minutes of trying and failing to get their attention, she roared at the top of her voice, "SHUT IT!" They all abruptly stopped talking and stared. "Thank you."
"Now then." She turned to the...nonexistent audience. "A few of us-actually the majority, now that I think of it-have a few...minor complaints of how we are being depicted in your...what are they? Fan fictions?" Ginny glanced over her shoulder. A few people nod. "Yes, those. Would anyone like to start?"
There's a bit of jostling before the Dark Lord himself is pushed to the front. He stumbled a bit, then quickly tried to cover it up, straightening his robes before speaking.
"Yes. Um, hello. As you know, I'm what everyone calls 'the baddest wizard to ever live.' Or...something like that. " A few snickers could be heard. He glares over his shoulder for a moment, then turns back to...nothing.
"Anyway. In my youth, yes, I was handsome. Drop dead gorgeous, as a matter of fact." He preens a little bit, one hand holding the edge of his cloak.
In the background, someone mutters, "Good God. He's just like Zabini." That was immediately followed by a thump, and the same person yelling, "OW!" Voldemort turned again.
"The point is, I was good-looking. However, I never wanted any friends. Minions, yes. Friends, no. I was a loner, and let's face it, a complete nutter. Later, I would be a nutter who both murdered and ordered the murders of countless people. How on earth could someone like that ever 'fall in love?' It's completely ridiculous.
"And while we're on the subject, sort of, how on God's green earth would I have a child? A girl child. Always a girl! Why? If I'm that much of a man-whore, I'd at least have some sons, won't I? Show some originality!
"Who would want me as their baby's father, anyway?" He paused a moment, looking behind him. "Besides Bellatrix, I mean. And don't even think about the whole "rape child" thing. I swear, if I see another "rape story", I'll hex the whole lot of you!" He waved his wand around for emphasis. "And I tried to kill a baby, for God's sake! Er, no offence, Potter." Harry just waved it off. "Again, me having a child is utterly mad. In fact, it's so crazy that-"
"Oookay," Ginny cut in quickly. Voldemort looked rather annoyed. "Thank you, Voldemort. Think I liked you better when you tried to kill us all. Anyway, yeah. Love and the Dark Lord don't mix, people. It's terrifying to even think that, actually."
Voldemort humphed and made his way back into the crowd, muttering under his breath.
"Now, anyone else?"
"How 'bout Potter?" Some unseen person called out.
"No, thanks. Not right now," Harry replied.
"Hagrid?"
"Are there any fan fictions about me?" Silence met the question.
"Uh...I don't know. Can someone check?" Ginny asked. A few people broke off from the crowd to go look. "Um. I guess we'll stop here until we found out. Uh, bye, I guess."