Disclaimer: No, we own nothing but our sick, twisted sense of humor.
A/N: This little piece is dedicated to and her friend Eric, for spotting the tiiiinnny fact that what we write here is PARODIES ABOUT FANDOM. Good for you hun! We hope that you enjoy this horrid, disgusting thing:D
People, once and for all, let us clarify one little fact: This is a parody about fanfics and fandom, NOT about LOTR or anything else.
And now, do enjoy this crap.
Aragorn's hypnotizing Member
Legolas was bathing in a small pond the fellowship has found just for him. How sweet of them!! After all, it took quite a lot of work to keep this perfect, milky complexion looking THIS good. Not to mention the hair and his nails and his clothes… Anything less than perfect just wouldn't do! After all, as a royal elf, he had to maintain SOME sort of quality. And Middle Earth and that stupid ring be damned! What an elf has left if he hasn't got his looks??
He was washing his hair and humming a merry, merry tune to himself, when he heard a rugged, manly and oh so sex-appealy voice talking to him: "hello there, leggsy baby! Can I….join you?"
Legolas let out a (beautiful, really beautiful) sigh. Those foresty warden people… they were just insatiable!! And this one was the worst of them… Aragorn was so lusty, he couldn't contain himself. "The heir of Gondor here, son of Arathorn there, blah blah blah. Couldn't he just say he wanted to fuck??" Legolas grumbled to himself "well, THIS time he won't be so easy!"
Legolas turned to face Aragorn. He then noticed the human was completely naked, with nothing but his sword covering his manhood. Legolas stared. Legolas stared yet again, and then things started to blur.
A couple of minutes later, Legolas wondered how he got to be pinned down, buttocks up, and with a big, lusty human … well…. Up his ass, if to be honest. Not that it felt all that bad, if he was pressed to admit it.
"Oh yeah, Leggsy, yeah!!" Aragorn roared.
Legolas rolled his eyes. These humans could be SO noisy! Like... really!
He hoped Aragorn wouldn't scratch him this time; scratches were a big no no to his perfect complexion. Aragorn spanked Legolas's ass hard, causing the elf to let out a high pitched, feminine moan "Oh Aragorn!" he gave up and let his instincts have control over him "You are so good… so big… so hard!!!" he kept going on and on until Aragorn spanked him again, and he let out a moan and a squee.
Gandalf was enjoying this. He was totally, totally enjoying this. That's why he found Legolas that pond. He knew the elf would insist on bathing. And he knew the lusty, rugged, hawt hawt Gondorian-heir would want a good fuck in the pond. And Gandalf needed some good fapping material. After all, for how long can a Maya depend on his "Playbalrog" magazines? Not for a long time, let me tell you that, not for a long time… He was sitting in the bushes around the pond (of course THAT was why the pond was chosen in the first place) and watching the Human male thrust his large…. Sword… into the Elf male's milky white, yummy, scrumptious, fuckable arse. Gandalf was already sitting with nothing with his pink glittery thong (that had "Sexy Maya" glued on it with big fake diamonds) and enjoying himself quite a lot, when Aragorn let out a loud roar and stopped thrusting. Legolas let out a pout "just when I was beginning to get really moist" he complained to Aragorn.
"Don't worry, you little slut you," said Aragorn and spanked the milky white arse again, causing Legolas to let out yet another high pitched, and oh so deliciously feminine, moan "we ain't done yet".
Gandalf grinned widely; he was worried he won't have good watching-material to get him to spill his creamy center.
"come out, come out, wherever you aaaaaare" Aragorn chanted smugly "I know you're there".
Gandalf's eyes opened wide. Could Aragorn be referring to him?????
"Come on, you horny old git!!! You and your pointy hat, come over here!!!!" Aragorn bellowed.
Gandalf jumped out in glee, still wearing nothing but his oh so pink and oh so glittery thong (he was very proud of it, in case you were wondering). He quickly sat himself down on the edge of the pond, near the two young, hormone-crazed males. Well… maybe Legolas wasn't all THAT young, but he sure looked like it! And… well…. Maybe Aragorn wasn't all that young either…. But… well… he still looked mighty hawt!! AND he was younger than Gandalf! So it was all good. Gandalf looked at Aragorn's arse longingly. THAT was a mighty hawt arse, and Gandalf wouldn't mind plunging into it. Aragorn noticed where was Gandalf looking "Aragorn's arse has no cock, Aragorn's arse needs no cock" he bellowed. He thought for a couple of seconds "well, ARAGORN has a cock…. But that's a whole other matter!" and spanked Legolas who let out another moan. Aragorn then looked at Gandalf and grinned "now talking about that cock…" he said with a mischievous tone and got up, so he fully erect member was in Gandalf's field of sight. Gandalf gasped.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the soft tunes of a hunting song could be heard. As if possessed by a raging Demon, Gandalf clutched his mighty staff and leaned towards it while singing in a deep Baritone:
"oh, you touch my tralala,
mmm... my ding ding dong."
Legolas couldn't stop himself and began swaying with the music and accompanying Gandalf:
"la la la la la la la,
la la la la la la,
la la la la la la la."
Then, as suddenly as it began, the music stopped and Aragorn could make his move.
Gandalf couldn't remember how he got to be pinned against the ground, with a lusty human male thrusting his ludicrously large cock inside his old arse again and again. It wasn't all that bad either, but he needed somewhere to plunge HIS cock into. Aragorn was busy with the thrusting motions of his pelvis, roaring and spanking Legolas's ass every once in a while. Gandalf noticed something most important (He didn't get to be the white wizard for no reason, let me tell you that). Except for Aragorn's occasional spanks, Legolas's arse was unoccupied at the moment, and despite the elf was obviously enjoying the spanking, he was also obviously not pleased with his arse being left empty and lonely. Gandalf then grabbed the blonde by the hair (Legolas yelled "hey!! Careful with the hair!!") and pulled him closer. With his mighty Maya-logic and intelligence, he managed to push Aragorn back for a long enough while to pull the naked elf under him. It didn't take much time then, and they became a thrusting lump of asses, thighs, and so on. Gandalf was much enjoying his position in the middle, plunging and being plunged at the same time. Aragorn was roaring and thrusting harder and faster. Legolas was moaning and squealing femininely. As you can imagine, it didn't take long before they reached the long wished simultaneous orgasm.
***
In Lothlorien, Celeborn was sitting in his bed, wearing nothing but his pink glittery thong (that had "sexy grampa" imprinted on it).Galadriel was sitting not far away, ignoring her husband completely while brushing her long blond hair.
"Tell me where is Gandalf," complained Celeborn "for I much desire to fuck with him".
***
And near the pond, where the not so young lovers lay resting after their passionate battle, a new warrior appeared. The looks on their mesmerised faces as they beheld his mighty form would probably would go down in history.
"So," said Boromir, being completely naked but for the white, gleaming musical intrument he carried with him " who wants to blow the horn of Gondor??!!"
The End.