Hello everyone thanks for checking out my story! This is one of the few Attack on Titan fics that I have written, but this one is my favorite.
I will warn you that it has spoilers for episode 22 of the series and spoilers for the spinoff, A Choice with No Regrets.
I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors. I'm not perfect!
Please enjoy!
Levi sat staring out the window listlessly, his mind in another world. He sighed in spite of himself; the sigh was barely above the volume of a whisper but due to the previous silence of the room it seemed particularly loud. He crossed his legs, right over top of the left, folding his arms across his chest in the process. Deciding this position wasn't comfortable enough he opted to switch his other leg on top in hopes of finding some relaxing pose. When this proved to be worse than before he promptly sprung out of his chair, concluding that pacing around the room was better at the moment.
Levi raked his fingers through his hair, his mind racing. It was like he couldn't think straight lately. Hell, he couldn't even sleep as of late. The Lance Corporal was known for his insomnia and frequent all nighters but nothing quite like this. He had been plagued by the curse of restlessness for the past two nights in a row, each night providing its own struggles.
He knew exactly why he was so anxious and why he was so bothered but he wanted to avoid that subject altogether. But as much as he wanted to bleach his mind to rid himself of his gruesome memories, they were persistently haunting him, like a bad omen of sorts. It was like the nagging feeling of procrastination, knowing it's there but ignoring it, only to leave the problem lurking within the back of your mind.
Levi stopped mid-pace and stood there, staring at the wall in front of him as if it held the answers to his problems.
My God, I think I've gone insane, he realized, I've been pacing back and forth for a good ten minutes and now I'm staring at a goddamn wall.
He shook his head before once again taking a seat at his desk. He swung the chair around so that it was facing the door and he rested his head in his hands, letting his eyes slip close as he did so. But that was when the true hell of the situation kicked in. That was when those memories, those persistent memories that were always there, mocking him, began to really flood up to the surface of it all.
Whenever he closed his eyes, he caught glimpses of that day. The day that shattered his already very broken world. The day of the 57th expedition beyond the walls.
Levi remembered that it started out as a relatively simple expedition just like many others. Every soldier assumed their formations and each squad set off, a normal procedure also. They followed the procedures just as planned until they were faced with an obstacle that no one, not even Erwin Smith, the mastermind behind the expedition, had seen coming: the appearance of the female titan.
The female titan was not only the cause of the operation's failure, (or success, depending on your take of the situation), but the very thing that broke Levi's world again. But it was his fault at the end of the day, just like it had been last time.
Levi left his squad for only a short amount of time, only long enough to save Eren from the female titan, but in that small time frame his entire squad managed to be wiped out. Upon his return he was greeted by the corpses of his comrades, their blood painting the world around them a dark crimson.
That was months ago. He thought that he would be able to move on and be strong, just like he had any other time. After all, he didn't earn the reputation of being a cold, stoic man for nothing. The man had seen countless men and women die, some he even knew, right before him. In fact, he had caused some of their deaths, in a way. Never once did he let their deaths affect his line of work. Each and every time he would react as emotionless as possible, his resilient nature allowing him to snap back into place with no problems.
This, however, was different from the rest.
It reminded him of an incident that had occurred in his first few weeks after joining the Survey Corps. He was on an expedition alongside his two friends that were close enough to nearly be considered family. They weren't exactly there by choice but they had made the most of the situation and showed great potential. They all were excited, nervous, anxious- all emotions expected of newbies.
In spite of all of the precautions they had took, in spite of the promises that they had made to each other to keep one another safe, in spite of the hope that outlined their futures, all it took was one mistake. All it took was one measly miscalculation to ruin everything for them.
And it all started with Levi.
He had left his friends behind to go after a document, but when this proved fruitless he turned back, only to find both of his beloved friends brutally slain as if their lives had no meaning at all. All of their hard work, everything that they had planned out was gone in the blink of an eye. All because he abandoned them. He had turned his back on them, and wasn't that the same mistake he had just committed only weeks ago?
How long was he going to lose people he cared about? How long would he be tormented with 'could have been's'? It just didn't seem fair…
It wasn't until he felt a firm hand on his shoulder that he realized he wasn't alone in his office. He looked up to be met by the gaze of Erwin Smith, who was casting him a heavy look of confusion.
Levi sighed. "What is it that you want, Erwin?" His tone came out to be more annoyed and harsh than he had originally meant it to be, but oh well.
"I came in because I was little less than puzzled to hear crying noises coming from your office."
"Huh?" Levi looked down and sure enough he had been crying. Droplets now clung to the front of his shirt and on the laminated hardwood of his desk. He hurriedly brushed at his cheeks to get rid of any remaining tears. "It's nothing, Erwin," Levi said, standing up and making a beeline for the door, "now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be."
"Not so fast," Erwin stated bluntly, placing a firm hand on his shoulder, stopping him dead in his tracks.
Levi rolled his eyes, his impatience starting to get to him. "I asked you earlier, what is it that you need Erwin?"
"It's not what I need, Levi, it's what you need," Levi shot him a quizzical look but he continued anyway. "You need to stop dodging the matter at hand."
Levi just shook his head. He didn't need to hear this right now, especially not from Erwin, of all people. "Listen, I don't know what you're talking about-"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, you're just afraid to face it head on." Levi bit his lip, shaking his head more. "Levi, I know that their deaths have been on your mind ever since that incident. I know this because I can see it eating you alive. I'm here to tell you that it wasn't your fault."
Levi scoffed. Not his fault? It had to be his fault, there was no other way around it.
"How could it no be my fault? I mean, I left my squad for God's sake, Erwin, I-"
"You left to perform your duty, and your duty was to protect Eren Jaeger. Their deaths were the result of a tragic accident, not because of any miscalculations on your part."
They both stood there silent for quite some time, absorbed in their own thoughts. Erwin broke through the silence first. "Besides, I thought I told you to make your own choices without leaving any room for regret?" He spoke so softly that Levi almost had to strain to hear him properly. "If we let the choices of the past hold us back from the future then we are only fooling ourselves. It's pointless to do that."
Erwin let his hand drop Levi's shoulder, giving him one last sympathetic look before walking to the door. "See you tomorrow," he called over his shoulder.
After he left, Levi spent some time mulling over his words in his brain. A choice with no regrets? Tch, was such a thing even possible? The very idea didn't seem feasible, let alone doable. Levi sighed and ran his fingers through his raven hair once more. A choice with no regrets, huh. He decided that he would just have to wait and see if such a thing were possible.
Once again, thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought of my story in the comments. I love feedback!