What Pain Brings
by:sdahenyu
Lisa,
If you're reading this then, I'm sorry.I just couldn't take it anymore. What's funny is you thought the vicodin would be my downfall or my motorcycle. You never thought it would be my guilt, my regrets. I knew that even if I apologized for all the things that I've done to you, it wouldn't be enough. Even if you forgave me for all of my mistakes, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I know that my death, probably hurt you. (I'm narcissistic remember?) But continuing to live, and hurt you on a daily basis is not something I was willing to do. You'll eventually stop grieving, and continue on with your life as happy and content as you should be. Promise me that you will be happy again. In a few years you won't even remember me. My apologies might not be worth much, But I've owed you mine for a long time now.
The most important apology, is also my greatest regret. I should have chased after you, when you left my apartment. Hell, I shouldn't have lied to you about the marijuana in the first place. We were happy, and I ruined it to get high. I can't make excuses for the past, and I won't. I've hated myself since, and have punished myself since. When we were engaged, you were happy and I took that away from you. I had no right to, so there inlies my first apology. You have no idea how sorry I really am for that.
I went through the next ten years slowly, moving place to place, job to job, bar to bar. I drowned myself in misery because I thought it was a suitable punishment. Then I moved to Princeton Plainsboro's area and walked into the hospital to ask for a job. I remember I walked into your office, not knowing you ran the hospital, and were completely surprised when I found you behind the head administrator's desk. I was so proud of you, you finally were living out your dream. When you saw me, I noticed that you were hesitant, you had every right to be. But you didn't let your emotions cloud your judgement and you hired me. I was so grateful, but of course I didn't show it. Another regret of mine I assure you. I don't know if you realized it, but when you hired me, you gave me a second chance to do right by you.
The next apology I have for you is my relationship with Stacy. You probably thought I began that relationship to hurt you, after all she was your best friend. I promise you that wasn't the reason. At one time I would have said it was because I liked her. But looking back now, I began that relationship as a last hope to get over you. At the time, I stayed oblivious to you. I didn't want any of the past brought up. Stacy never knew about us. After analyzing that entire relationship, it occurs to me how much it must have hurt you. I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
When my infarction happened, and you saved me, I never thanked you nor did I ever explain to you why I didn't let you amputate. You were right when you said that I wanted to die, I did. The world already suffered enough by my hand, and so had you. When I woke up from the coma and found out what had happened, I was angry. More at myself, then anyone else. I was an idiot and am still an idiot. Thank you, for saving me, it meant a lot to me to know after all I put you through, you still saved me.
I've never exactly treated you with the respect you deserve. For that, I'm sorry. You were always nice to me, but I didn't return the favor. I never did get over you, no one can get over you. You're unbelievably perfect, and (against what I've told you over the years) you would make an awesome, caring mother. I didn't do this to hurt you, I did this to end your pain. You're better off without me, you've already proven that. I left you some thinigs in this envelope that I want you to have. Please take care of them. You should know one thing, above all else. I never did stop loving you, no matter how hard I tried. If only I had stopped hurting you, maybe things would be different. But this is the way things were meant to be.
I am truly sorry for all that I have done to you, and I hope you forgive me.
House
Lisa Cuddy laid the note down on her desk, revealing a very tear stained face. Wilson had come into her office a little while after they had come back from the funeral. He didn't say anything, just handed her the Manila envelope then walked out of her office. For the past three days all she could do was cry. She remembered when she first heard the news that House had committed suicide. She was checking in on an old patient when Detective Tritter pulled her out of the room.
" House's drug problem has already been to court. It's illegal to charge him again. I believe you call it double jeopardy," Cuddy stated agitated.
" I don't know how to tell you this, but Dr. Gregory House was found in his apartment this morning, dead. It appears it was a self-inflicted wound to the stomach. I'm sorry for your loss," Tritter replied.
That was the moment her secure world shattered. She let a few more tears silently fall down her face before picking up the envelope. She put her hand inside the envelope and pulled put a picture. She faintly smiled, regardless of the sob she let out. It was a picture of them taken at the beach almost twenty-five years ago. They went there to celebrate their engagement. He had his arm wrapped around her, smiling. She already missed that smile, the rare yet overwhelmingly warm smile. She tilted the envelope upside down and a small ring hit her desk. She immediately recognized it as the engagement ring that he had proposed to her with. Before she left his apartment the night that she left him, she had thrown it at him.
He had kept it all those years, but never hinted about it, or even acted like he cared about it. She could feel warm tears gently flowing down her face, but all she could do was stare at the ring. It had a small tear drop diamond in the center and two smaller diamonds outside of it, completed with a 24 karat gold band. She noticed the inside of the band was engraved and titled it to read t. ' This second chance wasn't taken for granted'.
" That wasn't there before. Second chance, when was there a second chance?" Cuddy asked herself.
She flipped back through the note and found the meaning. He had briefly mentioned it in the note and she read it out loud.
" I don't know if you realized it, but when you hired me, you gave me a second chance to do right by you."
Lisa slid the ring onto her finger and stared at it. It belonged there and should have stayed on her finger. She wiped the remaining tears off her face and placed the picture and letter in her locked drawer. She grabbed her keys and left the hospital. She drove for thirty minutes until she came to a secluded cemetery. It didn't take her long to find his grave, after all it was fresh.
She sat down next to his headstone and placed her hand on his name and let it slide down the tombstone.
" You weren't the only one with regrets. I have my share of them as well, that I never told you. I should have stayed that night, and heard you out. I took the quick exist, instead of dealing with the problem head on. I would do anything to take back that day, or redo it. Why did you do this to yourself? My happiness wasn't your burden. I was happy everyday when you would barge into my office or make an inappropriate comment towards me. I'm sorry for everything, and thank you for the ring. I wanted you to know I'm still not over you, and that I still love you. I should have told you that sooner, maybe I could have prevented this from happening. I'll do as you wish, I won't remain sad forever, but I'll never get over you."
Cuddy remained there for a minute longer, letting the last of her tears fall to the ground. She slowly got to her feet and walked away, as her mind reliving the good memories that she had of them as a couple.
The End
A/N:
Please give me feedback. This is my first published Fanfic and I'm really excited it about. So please write to me about it, the good and the bad I would love both. Thanks for reading.