Disclaimer:
I am the greatest and you are not. I hereby own everything. It's all mine!! Hahahahaha!! None for you! I own Jack Lumber, the Yawners, and your soul. Don't argue with me! I do expect to make money off of this story (Donations accepted!!) and you don't get any of it!
In giving this story a bad review, I am entitled ownership of all of your belongings, your children become my slaves, and you must pay a tribute of at least 15% of your annual income to me every year on the anniversary of your reading this.
You would'nt know it from reading this story, but I actually do like Redwall. I just thought this was funny and I already had an article that I sorta fused into the story. It does become a story eventually, just bare with me for a bit.
On Jack, Nuiroth, and F.T.F.C.:
If you wish to know more about Jack Lumber, Nuiroth Malakai, or Fight the Face Coalition (FTFC), please email me at I can provide all the information you need and even give you a copy of my classic tale Jack Lumber in: Running from the Fuzz (which is the only real story that is listed in my profile).
The Slaves of Redwall
An interesting thing happened to me yesterday evening. I was sitting at my kitchen table, counting the profits of my latest raid (you know, piracy is just one hobby that never gets old), when I looked up at the field in front of my house (it's actually a little to the right. I have forty acres of land, most of it forest) and about thirty yards up the driveway (which is about halfway) I saw two of the cutest little bunnies I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot).
Now I don't know about you, but I don't take kindly to trespassers on my property, and no matter how much I thought about it, I just couldn't remember those rabbits asking permission. I'm a pirate, and I just saw two cute, cuddly little bunny wabbits, so naturally, I wanted to blow their brains out. Plus, I was hungry.
So I got a shotgun (a 12 gauge, for those who care), and I grabbed three live shells. I had loaded two when my stomach growled. I was afraid that the bunnies might become bored of that particular patch of grass they were sitting on and I had already used up precious energy loading the two shells. So I put the third in my pocket and walked out the door.
I saw them! I raised the gun and looked down the barrel. There they were, just sitting there, looking peacefully at the lawn, their little noses twitching, their fluffy tails wiggling, and then I pulled the trigger.
They say you can't kill two birds with one stone. But with a shotgun however, that's a different story. Bang!!! Two dead rabbits. Unfortunately, they were too small to eat and I was too lazy to clean them. The coyotes will find them quite tasty.
You are now thinking one of three things:
A) HAHAHAHA!!!! That'll learn 'em!!
B) But Jack, how could you kill those poor, precious little animals?
C) Did I remember to iron my pants? I better go check.
If you thought of (or near) A, then you are on the right track! Those stupid little bunnies were breathing my air and they got what was coming to them!! Good for you! Remember, when someone/something enters your space (and you determine how big your space is) and they didn't have permission to be there (or you've become bored of their existence), do the following:
1. Grab something that can kill, and do it fast. I prefer a shotgun. I love that satisfying BANG that you get when it's fired. But you can use whatever you want.
2. Make sure said thing that can kill is ready to go (loaded, sharpened, etc.)
3.Aim aforementioned thing that can kill at desired point on the body. (Ten points for a headshot!)
4.Fire/Hurl/whatever else aforesaid thing that can kill at target
5. Laugh with glee
If you thought of B, you need to grow a sense of humor. Bunnies were made to be killed! On with the story!
All of this offers the perfect setup for our story. I Jack Lumber, Pirate King was recently walking with my good friend Nuiroth Malakai when we where sucked into the world of Harry Potter (I wrote a story on this which is on , entitled "Harry Potter and the Attack of the Yawners"), after having a good time and killing a lot of people, we ran into a green portal thinking it would take us back to our world. Unfortunately, we ended up in the Redwall world instead.
So there we where, walking downs this forest road and I say to Nuiroth,
"Hey man! This blows."
And he says," That's what she said."
And I say, "No really! Where the hell are we?"
And he says, "I don't know."
And then the trees started to thin out and we come to this gigantic red abbey. It had a huge gate that was flung wide open. We walked through the door and saw all these animals sitting at a table and eating a feast. Now, if you're a pirate, you can appreciate a good meal. So Nuiroth and I just walked up to the table grabbed some grub and started eating. After a while this mouse came over and started talking to us. She said her name was Cornflower (what a bunch of freaks. That's such a stupid name). It turns out that she didn't have any friends and everybody was shunning her ever since she had a kid with some guy named Matthias, who then ran off (everybody liked him or something). The truth was, we really didn't care about her at all, we were just hungry.
So that's when we gave all the animals some alcohol (never leave home without it) and they all got drunk. We waited until they were all passed out, and then we started tying them up. We had tied up most of them when this big old badger woke up and got kinda pissed. The badger yelled, "Wake up!! Stop those villains!" and then I blew his head off. But by then anyone who wasn't tied up, woke up and even though they all had massive hangovers, some of them managed to get out of the abbey alive. (We where absolutely loaded with weapons and we gunned down the rest.)
After that Nuiroth and I where sure to keep the Abbey locked up so nobody could get in or out. We found a bunch of chains in the cellar of the big abbey building and used it to tie up the abbey dwellers.
The next week was great. We made the animals our slaves. All day they would walk around serving us, cleaning, getting us things, and whatnot. Every night we would kill a rabbit and eat it (don't worry, we didn't starve the rest of them, they got the scraps from our dinner. We made sure they were appreciative). Then we would go to sleep in our nice comfy beds while the rest of them slept on the floor of the Great Hall.
A week from when we arrived at the abbey, a band of vermin came marching down the road. Nuiroth was watching the gates at the time and he invited them in. The vermin were the first sensible folk we had met in this strange new place.
"Hey! Nuiroth, what are those weird plant thingys you got there?" I asked Nuiroth while we where having a feast (severed by the excellent slave cook, Friar Hugo) with our new friend, Captain Bloody.
"Oh, this stuff?" said Nuiroth, who was now rolling the tiny little crushed up plants in some paper, "I found it in the woods today. Makes a good joint!"
Nuiroth proceeded to show Captain Bloody's crew and I how to make a cigarette from the stuff. We sat around smoking the stuff for a long time. And then once we where all high- hold on, I shouldn't talk about that.
-And then Captain Bloody had a great idea. He said, "Arrrg matey, I be thinkin' that we could run a good ol' business with this here weed! If you and Nuiroth manufactureded the stuff ere', my crew and I could take it all out to see and sell it. We could make a fortune!"
So that's exactly what we did. Sure, we had to kill a lot of people in the process, but in the end we had a great thing going. Every day, we would lead our slaves out into the forest to find more of the weed, and then we would bring it back to make cigarettes. Every fall, Captain Bloody would return to take the cargo back to his ship. We got most of the profits, but Captain Bloody got some weed, and any plunder he could find. After a year, we had rows of dope growing inside the abbey walls. We would also rob weed from other dealers whenever we could. Soon, the Redwall Weed Co. was the largest marijuana dealer in all of Mossflower. Untill one day...
One day, while Nuiroth and I were up on the walls, watching over our slaves (whose number had grown considerably, due to our capture of any travelers who came near Redwall.), we saw a cloud of dust rising from the south. We kept looking in that direction, and soon a huge army of hare's came marching out of the woods. They were lead by I gigantic badger lord who came to the Redwall gates and yelled out:
"Are you the ones they call Jack Lumber and Nuiroth Malakai?"
"We are indeed." I answered.
"Then give up the Abbey of Redwall and release those who you have taken captive!"
"No"
"Pleeese?"
"Well, you did ask nicely." I said, "But no." And then I blew his head off.
The army of hares instantly surged forward and tried to scale the walls, but they didn't have guns (primitive bastards). Nuiroth was raining death upon them with shotguns while I pulled out two Uzi's and went to work. Hares fell from their ropes like limp sacks of blood. Soon the Hares would not need ladders, they could just walk up the hill of bodies that was slowly growing toward the sky.
Flaming arrows rained down upon the battlements like hail from hell. But Nuiroth and I paid them no heed. We battled on, slaying with the mad ferocity of born killers. The hares numbers where growing thin. Soon, only two men would destroy the whole army.
Suddenly, a bright light shone from above and the whole battlefield was bathed in a golden light. An angel was descending from above. It stopped above the gates and hovered in midair.
"Jack Lumber! Nuiroth Malakai! Do you not see what you have done? Spare the lives of these poor beasts!"
"Never!" roared Nuiroth.
"Do you wish to be returned to your own world?" said the Angel
"Yes! We do indeed!"
"Then spare the lives of these beasts and free the inhabitants of Redwall, or stay here forever!"
I thought this over, for I wished to go home very much. But I had a better idea...
"Ok! We will accept your deal!" I yelled, "Open the portal!"
The angel waved her hand and a green, glowing sphere appeared. We stepped toward it, and then suddenly, I took my shotgun and blew the angel's head off!!
"Hahahahaha!! Sucker!!"
Nuiroth and I finished off the rest of the hares, grabbed all of the weed we could carry, and ran through the portal!! We where finally home!!