The Light

-Joshua-

It was again clear outside.

My blanket was still covering my legs, and a light encyclopedia sat opened on my lap. My pajamas, which I had put on since that morning, felt warm when sunlight wiped it on.

I looked down through my window in second floor. There were Billy and the others, playing football. I could vaguely hear their laughter. I half-lidded my eyes, and then started to think.

I don't have to see this much... It's just too bright for me.

Suddenly, someone came in. "Hey, Joshua. What are you doing?"

--ooo---

The voice of a boy outside, blown out my thoughts. I looked down. There were at least 5-7 boys aged twelve or around, playing football at the sidewalk. They laughed and called for other's name when they pass the ball; like: 'Watch out!' or 'Here!'

I opened my window and pulled my head outside. "Hey, guys!"

They stopped and looked at me. "Wassup?" said a boy who was holding the ball.

"It seems fun there. Do you mind if I come out and join you?" I answered, hopefully.

Not answering, they just looked at each other. It seemed to me that they were thinking. I supposed that one extra person joining wouldn't hurt, but they thought too long for it. I slightly became disappointed. "Well, do you?" I asked them again.

They laughed. What's so funny?

"Yeah, yeah. Just look at you! Don't you think you're too old for this?" shouted the other boy. And they laughed again. I froze, but strangely still hoped that they would answer 'Yes', somehow.

They were still laughing. But then I felt different… and strange.

They were kind of… irritating me… a little.

"Freak guy!" They yelled, and got away soon as they said that.

I closed my window. My feelings had become puzzled when I walked toward the mirror. I stopped and looked at my own reflection.

A tall blonde guy with pale skin and wearing a nice coat was standing there. My height was abnormal, compared with the other 12 aged boys. I was a lot taller than them, and my face... I didn't know what was wrong with that, but I just felt that it was different in some ways, with the other 12-aged children's.

In simple, I might be abnormal.

Sister Mary —a young woman who stayed and took care of me at this apartment— said that I shouldn't worry about what people say about it.

"It's okay. You don't have to feel down when they say something about it. Joshua, I know that you're a kind boy more than anyone."

That was what she had said to me a few days ago, when I asked her why does people call me 'childish' or something.

But, you know what, Sister Mary? They might be true, you know…

Childish… and even freak, that is.

I touched the surface of the cool standing mirror, and rubbed it gently. My reflection was still there, it didn't seem like would change if I do that.

Well, of course. I laughed at myself. I sounded stupid.

--knock knock--

"Oh, yeah, come in." I pulled my hand off of the mirror.

A man, who seemed to be aged 40 or around with pale blond hair, came into my bedroom silently. He seemed like he had had a long trip before he got here in the first place. His face looked pale and tired. But through the wrinkles of age he had, I could sense his sparks of wisdom and gentleness. "Mister Remington!" I ran toward him.

Mister Remington is a volunteer who had saved me from a big, BIG war a year ago. He had said that he was a family of my family. 'Let's just say that I know about your family', that was what he had said on the first day I had recovered from my fatigue. I still wonder what that could mean.

I had gotten into a memory-loss since that big war, and after all, and up until then, he took care about everything I needed, like: where will I sleep and eat, and all. He even bought me many books so I could read them during free-time.

In this apartment, in this big city of San Fransisco, I could barely have important things to do. The books he had bought for me had saved me some time, so why not?

Anyway, he seldom stayed here with me, so he asked for Sister Mary's help to take care of me replacing him. Sister Mary is a nice person, too, so I didn't mind at all.

"Hi there, Joshua." He smiled, putting his brown coat and muffler on my shelf. And then he sat on my bed.

"Where have you been? It has been for, um…" I tried to remember. "At least a week since the last time I saw you!"

He just smiled.

"Really, you must have been very busy, huh?" I stated again, and he chuckled in reply. I giggled too.

It always felt nice whenever he was around. He was like a father which I had never had. He, and Sister Mary, was like my own family.

I recalled something. "Oh! There's something hilarious happened yesterday. Sister Mary mistaken and took neighbor's trousers instead of mine. You know, that Storm uncle. I tried it but it just won't fit! Well of course, I'm waaay thinner than him, so…"

I released a light laugh. But he was motionless. It seemed that he was in a deep thought. Or maybe he just wasn't concentrating so he didn't really hear me.

And that really bothered me.

"What is it? You don't seem good today. Did something happen?" I asked him, anxiously.

He blinked as if he just noticed me.

"Huh? Oh, sorry… what was that?"

"Come on, tell me. What happened? Did you work too hard? Maybe I can help you!" I asked again. I had hated secrets ever since I could remember things. Everyone knew it.

"Aah, no. No, it's nothing, really." He answered. I was just about to ask him again before he changed the topic. "So, I heard that you have a new hobby. Mind telling me about it?"

I shook my head. "No! Truly, I want you to know about it!" I walked to my desk and took some well-typed papers, then showed them to him. "Here, read it!" I said happily.

"Well, what is this that could make you become this excited?" he tempted me while taking the papers. "Let's see..." He took an interest.

"I've just learn about typing with typing machine lately. And you know what?" I could feel that my eyes were sparkling. "I can't keep my imagination here, so I decided to make a book of it! How's that?" I giggled.

"Hmm... It is a nice story, really…," he said, still reading my papers. "I'm proud that you can make it into a story like this. You're doing great, Joshua."

"Uh-uh-uh!" I played my finger. Strange, I felt a faint depression. It felt like someone had done this same thing to me before, playing finger like this. "That's not all! I still have one more surprise here." I opened my drawer one by one.

"Huh? You do?" He put down the papers on the bed. "Do you want me to help you search for it?" He was about to stood up, but I stopped him before so.

"No, it's fine. You're already tired from your trip, aren't you? I can do this!" I stated, and with that, he sat back and sighed. Sounded to me that he was smiling while sigh.

"Alright, here it is!" I took out a drawing book from my shelf and gave it to him. "I want you to be the first person who knows about this."

"Wow... Thanks. Can I open it?"

"Sure."

He opened the first page. Not that, it was just a "Joshua's book" writings. Then he opened the second page. There was a drawing of a blonde girl, a purple-haired boy, and me, walking on a bright street. It might be just my imagination, but he seemed to be shocked about this. I noticed that his eyes had widened a bit. I tried to ignore it, and explained the illustration to him.

"This girl in front is a brave and energetic girl. Well, she is optimistic and sometimes doesn't act like a girl, but she's kind and honest. The boy in the middle is me, and the boy wearing a worn out coat here is our friend. We're on a journey to reveal the secret of Astral Line. Astral Line is a place where souls meet others and born again in this world." I explained.

Mister Remington didn't give response; he was busy looking at the drawing.

"Someone told me about it, but I don't remember who did. Funny, huh?" I added, and giggled.

"Joshua," Suddenly his tone became serious. "What do you know about these people?"

"What do I…?" I silenced for a moment. What did I know about them? Well, I kind of knew them. They were my imaginations, right?

I couldn't think any further. Something was blocking my mind.

Do I… know them?

"I… don't know…" I muttered.

In a blink of an eye, he seemed to be worried of my reactions. His expression lightened. "Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry for asking you weird things all of the sudden." Then nervously, he smiled.

"…No, I guess you're right." My body was trembling a little. "Maybe I know them, maybe I don't."

"…What do you mean?" He asked again with deep voice. I've never heard him say things with 'that' voice. It scared me, but I was like a moth fascinated by a light. I couldn't help but to answer him with everything I knew.

"You know, sometimes I feel funny. Thinking of myself, I think that I'm different from the other children. I know about people from the past…"

That memory of me looking out of the window, while the other kids were playing outside. They were… Sheila, Nelly, Billy, Kevin, Mrs. Gene and the others. I knew their names, but…

"..But I can't remember who they are."

Who…?

"And this girl…" The image of a girl sneaked into my head. Her face was puzzled. "I don't know who she is. I don't even remember her face, but I feel that… we have a sort of special relation. I… don't know…" I closed my eyes, trying to call my past.

See? Now, have you eaten your medicines?

Who..?

Yeah, yeah. But women grow up faster inside than men do!

I can't remember…

That's okay. Since you help others, I will always protect you.

Please… answer me..!

You… You're weird… Joshua I know wasn't like this!

"Aaargh!!!" My head was spinning and pain attacked my brain. My heart was beating so hard it pained. What's happening to me?!

I started to feel afraid, afraid of knowing the past. I felt that something powerful was moving inside my head. It struggled on and on, it made me feel sick, and I didn't know what's what anymore. I probably had lost my mind.

"Joshua!" Mister Remington quickly squatted in front of me. He held my arms which were still shaking. "Joshua, control yourself! You're going to be okay, hear me?"

I…

"Mister, tell me, what should I do..?" I yanked. My breath was uncontrollable. "I feel strange… like, this isn't me. It's…"

The pain dimly vanished, and the beast inside my head slowly fell asleep.

We silenced. I couldn't think of anything else. It was hard for me to think of what should I say or do. Mister Remington, he saw deeply into my eyes. He was trying to read the writings inside my heart, but still couldn't open the gate of curse in front of it.

"Mister," I called him. Suddenly I felt tired.

"Yes?" He gazed at me gently.

"Would you… help me?" I turned my head and looked at his face. His eyes were deep and mysterious. I couldn't guess what he was thinking then. But he kept listening to me.

"Maybe I'm nothing. Maybe it's just my imagination… But... I want to proof it myself. Because... if tomorrow's come, then the more I'd forget everything." It's weird… I feel that I've said the same thing before...

He nodded. That made me quite relieved. Then I answered it with smile. Slowly, I lost my consciousness. I closed my eyes, as Mister Remington held my body carefully.

At the moments before I really fell in a deep sleep, I could hear his heart beating, and the weird scent of his cloth.

Fault, hatred, cherished, loved... I couldn't just keep those feelings.

I wanted to know. There was something that always bothered me, and I was not going to let it stay. I hadn't introduced myself to my own shadow yet. But he would keep following me around, wherever I go. He definitely would, until I found that light. The light that would penetrates the shadow.

It was deep black, but a warm feeling wrapped me in its arms. I could hear my own breath, and vague sounds of river's flow.

Laughter.

Splashes, and then another laughter.

Joshua…

Fin.