—
Day 125. One hundred and twenty five days since he left. Left me, left this world. One hundred and twenty five days ago, he took his last breath, his last breath. That was the last time I told him I loved him, in person anyway, I tell him everyday, as I walk past the picture that I've placed on the mantelshelf, a time when we were so happy, so young.. so Alive.
One hundred and fifty two days ago, he fainted, collapsed. One hundred and fifty two days ago, he was rushed to the hospital, had numerous tests, back then we were so naive, didn't have a clue. Neither of us could have guessed that this was going to happen. Heh, at the age of twenty two, why would you? We were just starting our lives together.
I don't know what's worse. Knowing he was suffering, day by day as he even struggled to breath, coughed up blood and wanted it all to be over. Or doing the job for him. One day, that day.. Fuck, it's all still so clear.. and I.. I remember like it was yesterday. When I came home, to our home.. I threw my bag on the side, hung up my jacket and took off my shoes. I went upstairs with a single rose in my hand - Eren's favourite kind.
But what I saw.. Jesus what I saw…Walking into the room, I noticed the bathroom door had been left open. Inside, Eren, on the floor, over the toilet, being sick. I thought perhaps it was his illness again. Then I saw it, packets of empty tablets. Drugs. He'd tried to kill himself. I don't know who I despised more in that moment. Him for wanting to be selfish and take his own life, though he was suffering, I was suffering to… Or did I hate myself more for not seeing through this.
Bloodshot eyes looked up to me, fear, terror, he was scared, and so was I. My body shaken my knees dropped to the floor, pulling Eren into my arms, I held him there, and cried… and cried. This wasn't what this was supposed to be like. I'd only just proposed, my fiancé wanted to kill himself, and I couldn't help but think. Is this my fault? Did I not do enough. I wished, and prayed every night and every day, that if there really was a god, for him to help Eren. He was the sweetest guy anyone would ever know. He always looked at the good in people, even helped me cut down on my smoking, but there's no point in that any more As I write this, a cigarette in one hand and my pen in the other. I notice something. This house, it isn't a home any more It's cold, lifeless, and I'm just a shell wallowing in it.
And then he asked me… he asked me if I would kill him, If I would end his life and stop all this pain. How? How can you sit there, listen to the one you love ask you to kill them and just agree? No, it's impossible. I didn't want Eren to die. He was going to.. one way, or another.. he was going to. Does that make me a murderer? I guess so. I had to lie to the police, frame him as if he killed himself. That's what I told his family also, but only he and I know the truth.
From my bed side cabinet, I pulled out a dagger. I always have it there, for burglars Never did I ever expect to use it. Not on the man I love most in the world. Walking back into that bathroom with that dagger in my hand, was like waiting on death's row. I can't even imagine how Eren felt, waiting to be killed by someone you love. I inflicted that thought, I inflicted the pain, and I will always hate myself for it. I can't even look at myself in the mirror.. All I see is a monster.
I placed my last kiss upon those petal lips, stared deeply into the teal green eyes and told Eren how I much I love him, how I will always love him. I'll never replace Eren, nor do I want to. Tears continued to stream down my cheeks, shaky breaths, shaking body, everything was shaking. "I don't.. I don't want to do this.. Please Eren… Please" I begged, sobbed loudly. He cupped my cheek and told me to stay calm, that it would make him happy, and he knew.. he knew full well that I would do anything to make him happy. Barely looking at what I was doing, I plunged the sharp dagger right into my fiance's chest, twisting it to seal his fate. Life poured instantly from the male. I sobbed, and sobbed, and screamed and cried. I just killed the only man I ever loved.
For one hundred and twenty five days, I continued to walk the earth alone, tried to be strong for me and Eren, but those one hundred and twenty five days were lived in vain. Every day I thought about him. Just him. Without him, my world was nothing.
I'm writing this to vent how I feel, how much I hate myself, and how I long to see Eren again. I will see Eren again. To the next person who reads this message. I'm sorry for what you will see when you walk into the bathroom. Please have my body buried next to Eren's, any money you require is in a safe under my bed. The combination 25-12-11 - The day me and Eren met. Eren.. I'm sorry Eren. Please don't hate me, I just don't want to live without you any more.