Happy Birthday, Sand! ! ! I hope you have a fantastic day and I'll update the next chapter soon! :D
The title of this story was inspired by the song "Spies" by Coldplay.
This fic deals with Schizoaffective Disorder. I will add in additional warnings if the need arises. Thanks!
Oh, and, in regards to the years you see, they are Gilbert's age.
December. 22 years.
"Heya Matt. What's kicking today?" The voice was loud and energetic. Matthew noted how Gilbert's wine-colored eyes seemed to gleam in his glee and began to grin himself. The man's euphoria always seemed so contagious to the Canadian.
"Just studying. You know how it is." Matthew replied, making a point to flip a page in his textbook to show that he was indeed very busy and definitely not looking for a way out of responsibility.
"You're telling me. You're always in this damn library! Why don't you go out sometime? Have a freaking life, my friend?" Gilbert suggested as he flopped down into the wooden chair across from Matthew's. He kicked his feet up on the table and Matthew quickly shoo'ed them off. He was used to this type of behavior from his friend, but, no matter how hard he tried, he could not break Gilbert of the habit.
"Gil, you're going to get us kicked out of here one of these days if you keep doing that." Matthew warned, frowning. Gilbert shot him his trademark wicked smile that he knew Matthew couldn't resist. Matthew once again felt a grin tugging at his lips before he could think to hide it. Once he had, he immediately did just that, wiping his face clean of emotion and turning back to the reading he had to do for class.
"Aw, come on!" Gilbert exclaimed, no doubt drawing attention from all sides of the library to them, "I told all my friends that I would introduce you one of these days. Their gonna start thinking I made you up if I can't drag you there soon."
Matthew wasn't listening though. Instead he was looking around the area they sat at, scouting with his eyes to see if Gilbert's loud mouth had drawn anyone over. This particular building was usually pretty vacant, even on its busiest days, but the last thing Matthew needed right then was a librarian to come shush them. Even when he saw that the coast was clear, Matthew still felt pretty on edge.
"Look, Gilbert. I gotta go. I told Alfred I'd help him study for his Econ final and he's probably expecting me now." Matthew stood and gathered his textbook and papers, placing them one by one into his backpack. He was in a rush but he definitely wouldn't throw and shove it all into his bag like Gilbert or his brother. There were some things in life that were worth the wait.
Gilbert, though, took this as an opportunity to whine. "But Mattie, you never have time to hang out anymore! What am I to do with all this time I have between classes?" Gilbert was draping himself over the table dramatically, as if showing the utter boredom he was emitting. Matthew rolled his eyes.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should study like the rest of us. This is college, you know. How are you even passing your classes?"
"I'm a genius, that's why. They don't call people 'prodigies' for nothing!"
Matthew slung his bag over his shoulder and gave Gilbert one last look, "Well, even so. Prodigies still need to study sometimes if they want to stay at the top of their class."
"Ugh, whatever." Gilbert dismissed the idea and lolled his head against the wood of the table, looking up to speak directly with Matthew who now stood above, "Tell Alfred I said hi. I never see him anymore either."
"Can do." Matthew smiled and turned away from his friend. As he walked away, fully aware that Gilbert was probably still lying at that table, moping about, he made a mental note to himself to tell Alfred that they should spend more time with the guy.
Heavens knew Gilbert needed it.
-/-
"Bruder, have you eaten today?"
It was the same words Gilbert heard practically everyday. Have you eaten, Gilbert? How much sleep did you get last night? Are you studying? Are you making sure to relax?
Gilbert was tired of hearing it all, but every time he did so he couldn't help the little pang in his chest at having let someone down. No, he hadn't been eating. No, he hadn't been sleeping. He had been too wound up lately to focus on any of that. Instead, for the past eighteen hours he had been studying nonstop. He didn't feel like the same person he had been when he had talked to Matthew yesterday. He didn't feel invincible or like a genius. All he felt was the crushing weight of imminent failure creeping into his life and how he would never be able to stop it.
"Sorry, West. I must have forgotten." Gilbert sighed in defeat, tearing his gaze away from the blurring words of his textbook. His brother was standing to his left, arms crossed and eyes narrowed determinedly. Ludwig was known by the student body of the university for being emotionless, but Gilbert had grown up with the boy and could tell when he was worried.
Gilbert immediately felt guilty for making his brother worry. Again.
"You forget a lot these days, don't you?" Ludwig asked. His voice made it sound like he was irritated by his brother's antics when in actuality he was nothing but concerned. Gilbert chewed at his lip.
"Yeah, I guess. No worries though, little bruder. It's just finals." Gilbert tried for a smile, but he couldn't even convince himself to hold it in place.
Ludwig turned away, a frown gracing his lips. "Do not overexert yourself, Gilbert. You can take the book with you to the commons if you really need to."
Gilbert nodded his head and shut the book. He followed Ludwig out of the dorm room and through campus to the commons area. As they walked, Gilbert hugged his textbook close to his chest and watched his brother, who kept his eyes forward as if he were leading an army squadron. Gilbert thought he made a less than acceptable squadron if that's what this made him being the one trailing after Ludwig.
"They're serving pancakes and sausage this morning." Ludwig informed him as they scanned their meal cards through. Gilbert nodded.
"I wonder if Matthew already got breakfast. Pancakes are his favorite." He said as he accepted a tray from his brother. The thought of Matthew only seemed to dampen Gilbert's mood though. Not even his best friend wanted to spend time with him. Of course, Matthew had been right in saying that Gilbert should study more and Gilbert had been up all night because of it, but now all he could think about were the dwindling times that Gilbert had been spending with the Canadian recently. Perhaps he needed to make more time for his friend.
When Gilbert and Ludwig took their seats, Ludwig ate in silence, glancing up every once in awhile to watch as Gilbert poked and prodded at his food. He would occasionally gaze out the window as if lost in thought then turn back again and fiddle with the pages of his textbook. Ludwig could tell his brother was not focused on study at all at the moment, nor on eating.
"Did something happen, Gilbert?" Ludwig asked awkwardly. He had never been very good at talking about feelings and all that crap with people, but it seemed it was just the sort of conversation that would be expected at a time like this. Ludwig shifted a little and steadied his gaze on Gilbert who lifted his own eyes from his food.
"No. Why?" Gilbert responded, scrunching his eyebrows in confusion. Ludwig sighed. This would not be easy.
"You are acting different. You keep looking out the window and you haven't eaten a bite of your food."
Gilbert looked down in surprise, as if just noticing himself that the pancakes had gone cold. "Oh."
Ludwig's eyebrows rose at the short response. He waited for Gilbert to say more but was greeted only by silence. He sighed again. "Gilbert?"
Gilbert's eyes shot up. "Oh… uh yeah." He laughed weakly. "I'm alright, Ludwig. Just a little stressed about finals, like I said."
Ludwig waited for a beat to see if his brother would say anymore, but, after waiting for what seemed an eternity, he decided to give it a rest. "Okay then." He grumbled and went back to his own food.
Ludwig didn't comment when they left the commons and Gilbert still hadn't touched his food.
-/-
"Gilbert is passing up beer for studying? My God, I never thought I'd see the day." Elizabeta said in disbelief at Ludwig's news. She would have called bullshit on it if it had come from anyone else. Since Ludwig had said it though, she knew it must have been true. One couldn't help but take the younger Beilschmidt brother seriously, even with a brother like Gilbert or a giggly Italian hanging from his shoulder.
Speaking of one giggly Italian, "Luddy, those parties never have any good alcohol. Can't we bring some nice wine so I don't have to drink that icky beer again?" Feliciano whined and the blonde he was hanging from rolled his eyes. Eliza could tell immediately that Ludwig would cave.
"Yeah, we'll stop by a liquor store on the way." The smallest of smiles threatened Ludwig's demeanor.
Elizabeta turned away from the two to her own date. Roderich looked all too uncomfortable with the fact that he was about to attend a frat party, something he had never done before and surely never would have if Elizabeta hadn't roped him into it. Sure they weren't dating in the literal sense, but if having arm candy like that could increase Elizabeta's chances of getting lucky that night, then why wouldn't she drag her friend into this world of new experiences? Life was all about experience anyway.
"Come on, Roddy. Let's go on ahead. I'm sure the lovebirds have other things in mind for before the party other than just picking up some wine." Elizabeta said as she grabbed the arm of the stuffy Austrian. She threw a knowing look over her shoulder and saw a severe blush creeping up Ludwig's collars as she walked away. She almost laughed. Ludwig could get embarrassed so easily.
Elizabeta didn't think much about Gilbert's absence that night. It was just one night after all, no matter how shocking it was that Gilbert could think of anything past his next beer.
Who was to know that this one night without the loud and arrogant man was only the beginning?
-/-
"Finals are finally over!" A loud voice said into the night without regard to any in the suburban town that might have been asleep. It was only eleven in the evening, but already there were plenty of lights out on the road lit only by intervals of streetlamps.
"Alfred, keep it down. You're almost as bad as Gilbert!" Matthew hissed, smacking his brother's shoulder and receiving a hearty laugh in return.
"Hear that Gilbert? Sounds like I've got some work to do if I'm gonna beat you at being the loudest. It's one of the things I pride myself on, you know, so don't think you'll keep the title for long!" Alfred exclaimed, once again too loud for comfort. Matthew pushed him again, this time with more force causing the blonde to stumble. Alfred grinned and pushed back, resulting in a short war between the two.
All the while, Gilbert merely followed behind. He listened to the two without really listening. He watched the only night above them in disinterest and it wasn't long before Matthew noticed Gilbert's mood. He stopped and watched the man whose white hair practically glowed in the night and, when Alfred hadn't noticed the reason he'd stopped and pushed him again, Matthew hissed at him some words that Gilbert didn't quite catch and made Alfred stop and look between the two. He calmed down then like he now understood.
"Hey, Gilbert." Matthew said, approaching said man who had stopped on the road. Gilbert snapped back to it and responded.
"Hmm?"
"You're awfully quiet. Something the matter?" Matthew asked. Alfred stood in the background, a look of genuine concern on his face.
Hearing this only seemed to irritate Gilbert. "Man, why does everyone keep asking me that?" Gilbert huffed and turned away, folding his arms into himself.
Matthew seemed surprised at this response and stopped to look back at his brother. Alfred stepped forward.
"Sorry man, we didn't mean to pry. It's just that, finals are over. Let's celebrate!" Alfred encouraged, careful not to come on too strong like his brother often told him he did.
"What's to celebrate?" Gilbert asked, "I probably failed anyway."
Alfred and Matthew exchanged a look.
"We tried our best. That's one thing." Matthew contributed helpfully.
"And we sure as hell worked our butts off." Alfred said.
Gilbert only shook his head and kicked a pebble on the ground rather forcefully. "It's hopeless. I'm never gonna graduate." Gilbert mumbled.
"Why do you say that, Gilbert? You're on track, aren't you?" Matthew asked. Gilbert responded with a shrug.
Matthew pursed his lips. It dawned on him that Gilbert's sadness was just as contagious as his happiness. His darkness was as compelling as his light. Matthew had never thought about how tied their emotions were together, but, now that he thought of it, it made sense that they would share many of their emotions.
Matthew couldn't let Gilbert's darkness take him too though. Matthew had to be there to help Gilbert. Both him and Alfred had to be there for Gilbert.
"Let's go somewhere, Gilbert. I know a place where we can watch the stars." Matthew suggested.
Gilbert looked up. His wine-colored eyes didn't hold the same spark that Matthew was always drawn to. Instead, he could feel himself falling in their endless color like an abyss. Then, Gilbert's short nod shook Matthew from those thoughts and he looked away.
"Awesome!" Alfred jumped into action, as if spurred by the possibility of something to do. "It's that field off Cherry Street, right Mattie? I know the one, so I'll lead the way!"
A loud laugh filled the air and both Matthew and Alfred turned towards it in surprise. Gilbert was smiling.
"That's my word, American Idiot." Gilbert said with his usual wicked glee, "And, because it is my word, the awesome me shall do the leading!"
Alfred didn't seemed phased at all by the odd mood shift and continued to ramble along with Gilbert in their normal way, "No way, man. You don't even know where to go!"
"My awesomeness will lead the way!" Gilbert cackled, pushing in front of Alfred in order to be the leader of their party. All the while Matthew just watched their shenanigans with an odd fixation, confused at how quickly Gilbert seemed to move on from his low mood.
With a frown, Matthew walked forward, moving to follow the two to the lone field where they could watch the stars.
-/-
May. 23 years.
"So, college graduate, how does it feel?" Matthew asked, grinning ear to ear as he stole the cap from Gilbert's white hair and spinning it between his fingers by its two corners. Gilbert was no longer in his gown but he had insisted on keeping the cap on for some reason. He went to grab for the stolen item only for Matthew to hold it out of reach. "Both hands on the wheel, Gilbert!" Matthew shrieked, not able to keep himself from laughing even as their lives could have possibly been in danger.
"Mattheeeew! Give it baaaack!" Gilbert whined as he placed the hand back on the wheel reluctantly. Matthew couldn't stop laughing though as Gilbert pouted. The sight was actually really cute on the man.
"I wanna see it first, Gil. I'll give it back after." Matthew explained as he held the cap out to examine it. It was an ordinary black since their university didn't allow students to decorate their caps, but, being as it had belonged to Gilbert these past few weeks, it had a character of its own like everything of Gilbert's.
Not many people would expect it of the brash "Prussian" as he so liked to call himself, but Gilbert was actually a very neat person who liked to take care of his things. The cap showed no signs of tear or fray other than the years of wear from being rented out over and over again by the university. Matthew could smell it from where he held it away from his body - it's aroma of sweat and Febreze, like old gym clothes, but much less smelly. The only part of the hat that was truly Gilbert's was the yellow and purple tassel that hung from it that Matthew had been wanting to play with since he first saw it dangling from Gilbert's head. The tassel was very new, but Matthew could tell Gilbert had taken great care to preserve it.
Matthew smiled down at the little keepsake. He hadn't even realized Gilbert had been speaking until the other hit him lightly on the shoulder without turning his focus from the road.
"Huh? What?" Matthew asked, looking up.
"I was just asking," Gilbert continued, "Are you sure you can't make it to the graduation party? A lot of my friends will be there and it's nothing too big. Just some drinks at the bar."
Matthew's smile almost slipped from his lips, but he caught himself. He laughed half-heartedly. "Sorry, Gil. I told you; our parents booked a flight for tonight and we can't miss it. I'm sorry it's such terrible timing, but I guess that's my parents for you."
Gilbert shrugged. Matthew was sure he had expected this. He wondered if he had caught onto Matthew's excuses and didn't question them anymore or had just accepted this particular excuse.
"Alright. But you have time for the field, right? For old times' sake?" Gilbert's eyes remained forward, making it hard for Matthew to figure out what was in them.
He swallowed thickly and answered lightly, "Old time's sake? We didn't start going to this field since last finals. Besides, you make us sound so old, Gilbert. I'll have you know that I still have a year of this stressful college life to look forward to."
"Oh, how could I forget? Oh yeah, 'cause now that I'm a free bird I don't want to ever think about the long gruelling years in this hell hole again." Gilbert laughed and Matthew folded his arms in mock scorn.
"Hey, but these 'long gruelling years' happen to be the ones where you met me." Matthew pointed out.
"All the more reason to want to forget them!" Gilbert teased and Matthew smacked his arm. "Okay, okay. You know I don't mean it. I wouldn't forget these years if someone paid me to."
"Really?" Matthew asked, "Even with all the student debt?"
"Hmm… you bring up a good point…"
"Here. You can accept payment to forget your freshman year. That's before I knew you anyway." Matthew compromised.
Gilbert smiled. Even with his eyes still forward, Matthew could see the spark in them.
Matthew leaned over and placed the cap back on Gilbert's head, threading his fingers through the tassel to untangle it. When he settled back in his own seat, he couldn't help but watch the proud smirk Gilbert wore as he continued to drive them to their field.
-/-
"Is Gilbert going to show up?" Feliciano whispered to Ludwig who was still watching the door for his brother. He turned to the Italian that sat on his right at the bar, prying his eyes from where they had been glued for at least five minutes straight. The constant worry that rested in his heart for his brother was plain to his boyfriend, perhaps the only person other than Gilbert who could read Ludwig.
"He said he would come." Was Ludwig's automatic response, but they both knew that these words meant nothing. Over the previous months, Gilbert had been hard to keep to his promises of social interaction. It wasn't odd for Gilbert to back out of things at the last minute if he thought they would bore him, but when it involved beer, one could be sure he would be in attendance.
This past semester, though, had been very different. His brother seemed oddly different. One day he would be his normal arrogant, loud-mouthed self, confident and reckless. The next day Gilbert would be fatigued and anxious. He would study for hours on end without break. He would refuse to see anyone for days and skip classes constantly.
Even today, the day of graduation, Ludwig couldn't be sure if his brother would be bothered to show.
"Someone order me a beer yet?" A hand clamped down on Ludwig's shoulder and a familiar voice rang in his ear. He nearly sighed in relief when he heard his brother not only present, but seemingly in a good mood.
"Gilbert," Ludwig took on his normal tone which had been said to be the 'scolding nun' voice, "We said to meet here at nine."
"It's a party, West. Just call it fashionably late." Gilbert responded as he waved over the bartender and ordered his normal beer.
Ludwig huffed in annoyance. In reality, he was actually relieved to see his brother, but Feliciano had told him that when he showed different emotions he often resulted in masking them in his "tough guy exterior." Ludwig hadn't had anything to say to that.
"It is not 'fashionably late' when you are an hour late." Ludwig argued, quite unamused.
"Come on. Cut me some slack; I was hanging out with Matthew. He and Alfred go home tonight." Gilbert accepted his beer over the counter and greedily drank the contents of the glass.
Once again, relief washed over Ludwig. His brother had been with Matthew. That was good. He had been with someone and not off alone isolating himself again.
"Congrats on graduating, Gilbert!" Feliciano spoke up, jumping from his barstool to give Gilbert a hug. Gilbert laughed and smiled good-naturedly as he accepted the embrace, making sure to balance his beer so that its contents wouldn't slosh over. Beer was precious and even in his darkest of moments, Gilbert wouldn't have dreamed wasting it.
"Thanks, Feli! I expect you two to be good now that I won't be here next year." Gilbert waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Ludwig took on a horrified look. Feliciano remained unphased.
"So what's life after school like? Have anything planned?" Feliciano carried on the conversation and Gilbert shrugged.
"Guess I'll have to look into the job field. Computer programming is a pretty expansive path in this day and age, so I don't think I'll have too much trouble finding something." Gilbert replied, sipping from his drink.
"That is so cool! I mean, that's like learning another language, right? I wish I could do something cool like that." The Italian spoke excitedly, brown eyes wide.
"Well, yeah. But don't you speak Italian?"
"Oh my gosh, I do!" Feliciano said, as if just realizing this himself, "And English too! And, if I try hard enough, I can figure some stuff out in Spanish, though it hurts my head."
"There you go then. It's just like that, except this one deals a little bit more in math and logic instead of all that translation and conjugation crap."
"Woah." Feliciano said, sounding utterly fascinated, "You must be some kind of genius!"
"Don't encourage him-" Ludwig began to butt in, only to be intercepted by Gilbert's enthusiastic response.
"Why I am. Thank you for noticing. Y'know, I could hack into the government's high security database all on my own at the age of seventeen?"
"Really?" Feliciano asked, eyes alight.
"No, not really." Ludwig frowned at his brother. Always the show off. Did he really have to fool his boyfriend for the sake of inflating his own ego?
"No, I'm serious!" Gilbert argued, "I wasn't even caught!" He said proudly.
Ludwig rolled his eyes and was relieved when Elizabeta came strolling up.
"Fuck, Gilbert, about time you got here! Come on, we're doing shots. Every time Lovino calls Antonio a bastard we take a shot." Elizabeta looped her arm through Gilbert's and started to lead him away. Ludwig outwardly sighed as he watched them walk away. It was funny how just as quickly he had wanted Gilbert there, the feeling had been dashed by his brother's actual presence.
Ludwig turned back to Feliciano, hearing faintly behind him when Gilbert spoke to Elizabeta in his usual loud register.
"We gotta double shot every time Antonio calls Lovino a tomato!"
Ludwig shook his head and smirked down at the counter below him. Feliciano wrapped his arms around him and Ludwig could honestly now say that he was having a good time.