Chapter 1

"You know, this kind of reminds me of the last time we sailed home together" Tom, said walking up, next to Sasha.

"How so?" She sighed, looking out across the water as her hands gripped the railing.

"You. Mad at me. Not talking to me" he said softly, his shoulder gently brushing against hers.

"I'm not mad" Sasha defended. "I am happy that your alive, Tom. More then you know. The problem is, I don't think you're, happy to be alive. I think a very large part of you, wants to be at the bottom of the sea"

Tom sighed, dropping his head "but I'm not"

"By choice, or dumb luck?" She asked turning to look at him.

He stared at her for a moment, trying to come up with a lie, that would put her mind at ease, but he could tell, she wasn't going to accept anything but the truth "I don't know" he whispered.

Sasha, nodded and turned around again to look towards the horizon "I can't do this anymore Tom. I can't live, with this emotional indifference you have towards everything and everyone. Including the kids and, I" she sighed "nothing seems to make you happy, except the thought of going out in a blaze of glory". Sasha, paused taking a deep breath "I love you, and I am always going to love you. But you need to figure out, what it is you want, because from where I'm standing, you are happier when your miserable, and I don't want to live like that" she whispered.

"I can't be perfect, Sasha. I can't be everything, everyone expects from me"

"I don't want you to be. I just want you to open your eyes to what you have, and be happy with that. To be emotionally available, Be honest with me, the kids, with yourself"

"And if I can't?" He asked softly

"I think you already know the answer to that" she said turning to look at him once again. "If you decide, you want to start living again, I'll be here. But it needs to be what you want, Tom. Not what I want, the kids want, or anyone else for that matter" she said placing her hand on his chest, then gave him a quick kiss, on the cheek before leaving.

Tom, turned and watched her walk away, an empty feeling washing over his body. Worst of all, he couldn't even argue. Everything she'd said was true. At least in part. He sighed softly, his thoughts interrupted by Mike, walking towards him, cigar in hand.

"Figured one of these was in order" Mike smiled, handing one over to Tom "compliments of our Cuban friend"

"These things can kill you, you know" Tom mumbled, accepting the cigar.

"So can crashing a destroyer, into a battleship. But hey, you're still here" he shrugged, lighting the end of his cigar "that's what, two ships you've single handedly sunk, in as many months?"

"Something like that" he said looking at Mike, disapprovingly. "Do I need to remind you, that..." pointing at the lit cigar "is against the rules"

"No, I'm well aware" mike said, taking a deep inhale "guess they are going to have to give you that 5th star now" he said with a small smile.

Tom sighed, leaning his back against the railing as he crossed his arms over his chest "I'd be happy if my name was left out of it, all together"

"I know" mike nodded quietly "whats the plan now? Back to the academy?"

"I suppose. Honestly, I don't know. Apparently I need to stop and think about what I want"

"Sounds like good advice. Maybe you should try listening to it once in a while" mike said looking towards, Tom. "You were my CO, you're my friend, and I would follow you anywhere. But there have been a few times I seriously questioned what you were doing, or thinking. Like you had a death wish, everyone else be damned"

"Maybe I did" he admitted, looking down towards the deck "maybe I thought it's what, was meant to be"

Mike nodded, taking another inhale from his cigar "and now?"

"Now" Tom sighed "I'm not so sure anymore".

"I'm sure you'll figure it out. After all, you have a lot to live for" he said straightening up "your kids. Sasha. That 5th star" he said with a smile.

For the first time, in a long time, Tom, couldn't help but smile, and let out a small laugh. "If I have to suffer through a ceremony, you better believe, I'll make sure you're getting one too"

"Excellent. The thought of you, once again outranking me, is terrifying" Mike, smiled taking one last inhale before flipping the cigar overboard.

Tom sighed, shaking his head "what about you. What's next?"

"Re-build the fleet" mike shrugged "we did it once, we can do it again. That means I'm going to need you, in the classroom, sending me the next wave of officers. The last batch didn't turn out to be half bad" he said with a smile.

"Thanks" Tom scoffed "but I think I'm going to take some time before getting back to the classroom. If, I go back"

"There's no rush" Mike nodded, seeing that Tom, was deep in thought "I'll see you on the bridge" he said softly, before stepping away.

Tom, barely registered Mike, leaving. Too much was running through his head. The future. The past. Sasha. His kids...his ship. Even though he had no longer been captain, of the Nathan James, in his heart and soul, it would always be his ship. And now it was gone. It had been his first command. A brand new, state of the art destroyer. He could still remember the first time, he walked onto the bridge. Not knowing, that one day, that very place would be his refuge. That a multi billion dollar piece of metal, would become his home, and a home for almost 300 others.

Below deck, Sasha, was laying in a bunk, replaying her conversation with Tom, over and over again. She knew, that it had to be said, but didn't realize how much it would hurt. How difficult it would be, when all she wanted, was to wrap her arms tightly around his waist, and never let go. As she drifted off to sleep, she thought about what he'd said earlier. About her, being mad at him, while they were once again sailing home. As miserable the current situation was, Sasha, couldn't help but let out the smallest of chuckles, thinking back to their trip home, from the Med.

"This is crazy. I'm crazy" Sasha, mumbled under her breath as she and Azima, stood a few hundred feet away from Tom's, Greek home, while he collected his kids and said his goodbyes. Mike, had asked them to go for security. "I'm officially, a crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

"Maybe, they are just very good friends" Azima countered, as she watched a young brunette, throw her arms around Tom's neck "that sometimes, kiss on the lips" she coughed, trying not to laugh. "Either way, didn't think you cared?" She asked with a knowing smile.

Sasha, quickly shot her friend a disapproving look "I don't" she argued "he's free to to whatever, or whomever, he wants. Makes no difference to me" she said more to herself.

Azima, simply smiled and nodded, and the rest of the afternoon was spent in relative silence. In fact, between the three adults, and two kids, Sam was the only one who talked. Mostly about how excited he was, to go back on the James.

It wasn't until two days into their journey home, that Sasha, was actually forced to speak with Tom. She had done a fairly decent job of avoiding him the past 48 hours.

"Sorry, didn't realize anyone would be in here" she said walking into the ward-room in the early hours of the morning.

"Hard to sleep, with a knee jammed in my back all night" Tom quipped, pouring himself a cup of coffee, before holding the pot up, silently asking if Sasha, would like a cup.

"Please" she nodded setting her files down on the table before taking a seat "still haven't found an extra bunk?"

"With the extra people you guys took on at Rota, it seems we are a little over capacity" he said bringing her coffee over "I'll get a few hours in the afternoon, when Mike, has Sam, up on the bridge"

"Thank you" she said softly, taking the cup from Tom. "But, I think you'll find, that today is CIC". Sasha, looked across the rim of her mug as she took a sip of coffee, while Tom, sat down in a chair across from her. She quickly noticed his surprised look, and couldn't help but smile a little, as she set her cup down "your kids were out on the helo deck, yesterday afternoon. I was promptly given a running itinerary, of both yesterday's and today's schedules. And if I recall, today was CIC, followed by helping bacon, in the kitchen"

"Huh" he nodded, wrapping his palm around his cup of coffee "what else, they say?"

"Well, Sam, is very excited to be going home. Though, I think everyone on this ship, knows that" she smiled "apparently the only, and I quote "bummer" is that Danny, isn't on board, but that's okay, because Wolfe, is pretty cool too. And even though he fully approves of "uncle mike" being captain, he preferred it when you were, because you had a bigger room, with a tv, and bathroom"

Tom, had to laugh as he nodded "Yeah, that was a nice perk"

"As for Ashley, she seems more worried about you. Wanted to know, how you hurt your leg, if you were okay" she said catching Tom's eyes "I didn't tell her anything" Sasha assured.

"Thank you" he said softly

Sasha nodded, looking down at her paperwork "how is your leg, by the way?" Asking, without looking up.

"It would be a lot better, if there were an elevator or two on board" he said with a smirk, looking over at Sasha.

Sasha, pursed her lips and looked up with a small shake of her head "or, you could simply rest. You have an army of child minders, at your disposal"

Tom nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "That was my plan, for today. But then it occurred to me, that you may have been avoiding me the last couple days. So I took a wild guess, that if you were, in fact, trying to avoid me, you'd probably be here, early in the morning. Thus my plan of resting today, was put on hold"

Crossing her arms across her chest, Sasha leaned back in her chair, eyeing up Tom. "Are you apologizing, and guilting me, at the same time?"

"Do I have something to apologize for?" Tom asked.

Sasha, bit her lip to hide her smile "Do I have something to feel guilty about?"

"Yes" Tom affirmed quickly "I was shot, and you've been ignoring me"

Not able to hold it in any longer, Sasha, let out a laugh, as she uncrossed her arms and ran her hands, through her hair. "Alright, I admit, that I may have been carefully picking my times to walk around the ship"

"Mmhmm" Tom nodded "and I owe you an apology. It wasn't fair to put you in that situation the other day".

"Tom" Sasha said holding up her hand "you don't need to apologize and you don't need to explain. You and I, are not..." she sighed softly "you're free to make whatever choices you want"

"Still though. The way we, the way I, left things" he corrected "without sounding too vein...it couldn't have been easy for you, because I felt the exact same way when I saw you cooing over Mr. Fletchers, scratch"

"It was a gunshot" Sasha corrected.

Tom shrugged "looked like a scratch. Regardless, I wanted you to know, that I never meant to hurt you" he said honestly.

"I know" Sasha nodded "and if your situation, was the same as mine, then we both know there is a big difference, between companionship, and love"

"Agreed" Tom said smiling a little, knowing exactly what she was saying, without having to say it. "Does this mean you'll be here for regularly scheduled, breakfasts and dinners?"

"Yes" she laughed, looking back down at her papers "but I really do have work, to do"

"I'll leave you too it" he smiled, getting up and walking to the door "and in case you were feeling guilty, I happen to have an actual gunshot wound, that you could fuss over"

"Don't push you're luck"

Sasha, was pulled from her thoughts, when Azima walked through the door. "Hey, hows Wolfe doing?"

"He's stable, the doctor says he'll be just fine"

"Good" she said softly "and you? Your foot?"

"That's nothing. Just means I won't need a pedicure on that foot anytime soon" she said laying down on an empty cot. "What are you doing down here, anyway. Thought you'd be with Admiral Chandler"

Sasha sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose "I told him he needed to figure out what he wants, what's important, and what he needs in life" she whispered "without me".

"I see" Azima nodded "are you okay?"

"I don't know" Sasha mumbled "it hurts, but I think it's the only way to get through to him"

"What if he decides he wants to be alone, and miserable?"

"Then I'll cross that bridge. But deep down, I know that's not what he wants. He just needs to find away to forgive himself for the past, and start focusing on the future"

*So! I was really torn with what direction to go with this new fic. In the end, I decided not everything should be fluffy wuffy, ALL the time. Plus, I wasn't thrilled With the way they wrote Tom, this season. He was kind of a jerk. But of course, these two are my faves so I'm sure it will all work out. :). Hope you enjoy*