My name is Cyrus Truth. I am also known as "The Exile."
And I despise Christmas.
Well, that's not entirely true. I do love the Christmas holiday itself and the generous spirit it can inspire in people. The cold I can do without, but I have a very thick cloak that helps keep me warm on most of my journeys on the Long and Winding Road. At times, the Christmas music can get a little annoying, but there are some songs I can't stop listening to, like the holiday classic "Winter Wonderland."
But there is one thing about Christmas that I absolutely hate. I hate it with a burning passion that is match only by a thousand flaming effigies of the very unpopular former U.S. President George W. Bush.
That one thing…or rather, one person, is the man known as Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle…whatever you call him, he is the bane of my existence. Ever since he abandoned the Code of the Exile and became a holiday icon worldwide, he has made it his mission to eradicate me before I find a way to expose him as the charlatan that he is. Claus constantly tries to kill me, but it seems at around Christmas he puts his efforts into overdrive, coming up with new and extravagant ways to end my life. However, being the crafty Exile that I am, I've always found a way to get out unscathed and leave Kringle fuming in frustration….
A Year Ago…
Surrounded by a legion of three-foot tall elves in festive green clothing, I watched as Santa Claus sauntered up to me, looking more confident and arrogant than I ever saw him be before. My grip on my cane became tighter as the rotund demon started laughing.
"MWOHOHOHO! Finally! After so many years of hunting you down, I finally get to end the nuisance that is Cyrus Truth! My workers and their newly-developed 'Candy Cane Cannons' will cover you in liquid candy cane. Once it hardens, you'll spend the rest of your days above my mantle as the world's biggest holiday candy! Any last words before we end your miserable life?"
I chuckled softly to myself. "Yeah, just five…GO, NINJA! GO NINJA GO!"
Seconds later, the glass ceiling of the building we were in shattered as three shadowy figures descended at a rapid pace. Once they reached the ground, the light from the building's iridescent lights revealed their identities…
"Shadow, Yuffie, and Amarant. Thanks for dropping in. Think you guys can help me clean up some trash?"
"No problemo!" Yuffie chirped as all three ninjas started throwing weapons left and right, knocking out the elves before they had a chance to open fire. I took the opportunity to get in on the action as I started swinging my cane at any of Claus's squat minions, bashing their heads in and eliminating the threat. Once all the elves were dealt with, the three ninjas and I turned to face Santa, who was seething with incredible fury.
"What was that you were saying, Kringle?" I mockingly asked, rubbing in the red-suited marauder's humiliating defeat.
"Damn you, Exile!" Santa vehemently cursed. "This isn't over by a long shot! I'll get you someday when you least expect it…and trust me when I say…"
"Oh, shut up!" Yuffie shouted, angering Santa even more. "Truth, can we please kill this guy?"
Before I could answer her, Santa whistled for his escape vehicle as his reindeer brought his sleigh to him. He jumped in, gave me the middle finger (which was hard to do, considering he wore mittens), and rode away into the cold winter night.
"Well, that sucks," I stated as I turned to the three ninjas. "Thanks for the assist, guys."
"It was nothing," Shadow muttered as he started to walk away.
"Don't mention it!" Yuffie chimed in as she followed the mysterious ninja from Final Fantasy VI. Amarant, however, remained behind as he stared me down from behind his big, bushy red mane.
"Um, something you need, Amarant?" I asked the ninja/monk.
"Yeah," he replied in a gravely tone, "my money. I don't work for free."
"Yeah, about that…" I started to say before I ran away at full speed. I shouted back, "Sorry about your damn luck! Thanks again!"
Amarant didn't make a move to chase after me. He did, however, crack a very, very subtle grin…
Present Day
And to this day, I hadn't paid Amarant for his services last year…and he never asked me about it again.
"Good times," I said to myself as I trudged through the snow that had accumulated on the Long and Winding Road. My thick boots dug deep as the snow continued to lightly fall from the sky.
"Man, it's freaking freezing out!" I thought as my cloak, pants…heck, every part of me was getting soaked from the snow. "And it's another three hours back to the Lair. I need a place to warm up!"
Just as I finished my thought, I heard the sound of an engine and turbine above me. I looked up to see Balamb Garden flying past my head, looking like it was going to crash right on top of me. Fortunately, it coasted a safe distance away as it gently landed in a nearby snowfield.
"Hmm, well, that's convenient," I muttered to myself. "It's been a while since I visited Balamb Garden, and it'll be nice to get out of the cold. And teasing Captain Emo is always fun!"
With that, I picked myself up and started trudging towards Balamb Garden, unaware that I was being watched and studied with malicious intent…
"Well, well…look what the cactuar dragged in. Another piece of roadside trash," the snide voice of Quistis Trepe said as I walked through the Garden's front gate.
"Oh, my. It's Little Miss "Confidence Issues,'" I shot back.
We stood there in uncomfortable silence for a couple of seconds before we broke out in laughter. Quistis, in between laughs, managed to say, "You always were a charmer, Cyrus! Good to see you again."
"Pleasure's all mine, Quistis!" I replied as my sides started to ache from all the laughter. Once we stopped laughing, I went over to Quistis and gave her a hug which she reciprocated. She and I had been good friends after I helped her out with a small malboro infestation at a junk shop off the Long and Winding Road a few years back. I released my embrace as Quistis led me inside the Garden.
"So, what brings the Wayward Warrior to Balamb Garden?" Quistis asked me as we walked, her arms crossed behind her.
"Warmth," I answered, my cane resting on my left shoulder. "I was out on another one of my walks and my clothes started getting soaked from all the snow I had to trudge through. Garden just happened to fly overhead, so I figured I'd pay my favorite blonde and her friends a little visit while I dry off."
"Well, I'm sure Squall won't have any problems with it," Quistis said as they made their way to the cafeteria. "Zell might not be too pleased to see you."
"He still pissed off about me knocking him out during my quest for the Grand Turkey?"
Quistis nodded as I sighed. "Well, too damn bad. C'mon, let's grab a bite."
Quistis shook her head in disbelief, but fought to suppress a chuckle as she and I got in line and grabbed some food from the cafeteria staff. Quistis grabbed a salad and a skim milk as I went for a bowl of piping hot beef and noodle soup. We found an empty seat as I couldn't help but notice the gawking fanboys and girls.
"Trepies?"
"Trepies," Quistis confirmed as I smiled and started to sip my soup. Before I could even enjoy my lunch, I was interrupted by a hyper, overly-sweet voice shouting:
"CYRUS TRUTH! YOU'RE HERE!"
I turned to see Selphie Tilmitt bum-rush me and wrap me up in a crushing bear hug. I struggled to breathe as Irvine Kinneas sauntered up and casually said, "Hey, Sefie. You keep glomping Cyrus like that, and I'm liable to get a little jealous."
"Oh, behave, Irvy!" Selphie retorted as she stuck her tongue out at the cowboy. She finally released her death hug as I struggled to regain my breath.
"Nice to see you guys again. What's shaking?" I finally managed to say.
"Nothin' much," Irvine replied. "You visiting's about the most exciting thing we've had happen in a while. Guess there's not much need for mercenaries at Christmas time."
"Yeah, it's so boring!" Selphie chimed in. "Isn't there something we can beat up or explode?"
I shook my head as I chuckled. "Sorry. The Long and Winding Road's been pretty quiet lately. It's strange though…"
"Why's that?" Quistis asked. Before I could give her an answer, a loud, hyperactive voice shouted from the other side of the cafeteria, "YOU BASTARD!"
A second later, a flash of blue and black rushed towards me. Without an ounce of concern, I merely sidestepped and stuck my foot out, tripping my would-be assailant. I picked up my soup bowl and slurped another spoonful as I said, "Zell, there is something to be said about the element of surprise, you know."
"Screw you!" Zell shouted as he did a kip-up and stood in his fighting stance. "You cheated on the mountain! I want a rematch, right here and now!"
"Yeah…how can I put this in a way you can understand…oh, right. How about 'get some wood, build a bridge, and get the FUCK OVER IT!' What the hell were you doing on that mountain, anyway?"
"N-nothing! It wasn't like I was up trying to spy on Tifa Lockhart sunbathing in the nude or anything…oh, damn it!"
"Pervert," I muttered as I turned back to Quistis. "I'm sorry, what was your question?"
"You said something about the Long and Winding Road being unusually quiet?" she reiterated.
"Right…" I replied. "It's just that, usually around this time, a certain foe of mine tries to kill me in an elaborate scheme. But so far, I haven't gotten any sort of hints as to what his plan might be."
"Is that why you're here?" a cold, taciturn voice interjected. "Are you looking to hire protection?"
I turned as a scarred swordsman in black walked up with a lovely brunette in his arm. "Sorry, Squall. I can handle myself pretty well. Besides, I got a few plans if shit gets too deep."
"Whatever," Squall replied with what had to be the lamest catchphrase in the history of gaming.
"Nice to see you're bringing out the passion from Captain Emo, Rinoa," I joked as I turned my attention to the brunette in blue.
Rinoa chuckled. "I do my best."
We all got a laugh out of that as I finished off my soup in one large gulp. I then turned to the FFVIII gang and said, "Well, appreciate the meal and the hospitality, but I have to be getting back on the road. Thanks for the entertainment, Quistis. We'll have to do coffee sometime."
"Looking forward to it," Quistis said with a sly grin as I picked up my cane and headed for the cafeteria exit. The last thing I heard before leaving the cafeteria was Zell shouting, "HEY! WHAT ABOUT MY REMATCH?!"
I took my time making it to the exit as I admired the floating military academy. It certainly didn't feel like a training center for mercenaries, but I've learned a long time on my travels not to trust appearances. I knew, despite its calming, Zen-like appearance, this Garden's students could take on the entire European Union…and likely win.
No offense to any of my European brethren.
At any rate, I was enjoying the leisurely walk to the exit when something caught my attention…something truly hideous.
There, standing between a pair of twin jesters, one wearing red and the other blue, was a gaudily-dressed, incredibly unhinged clown. The center clown couldn't stop laughing in a deranged cackle as he pointed his bony finger at me.
"Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee! Cyrus Truth! The Exile! Somebody wants you dead…somebody who HATES, HATES, HATES, HATES, HATES, HATES, HATES, HATES YOUR STINKING GUTS!"
"You are coming with us," the jester in blue added as he jumped in place.
"Make your death painless, we will…if with us, you come peacefully," the red-garbed jester also added.
Without hesitating, I morphed my cane into my scythe Final Chapter. "Kefka Palazzo. And I see you brought Zorn and Thorn with you. Your 'godlike' power not enough to deal with me yourself?"
"Watch your mouth, you maggot," Kefka snarled menacingly. "To be honest, destroying you is somewhat beneath me…but at least it's a chance to destroy something! Hee, hee, hee!"
"Is that right?" I inquired as I started to tense up. "So whose idea was it for you and the Clown Brigade to come after me? No, wait, let me guess: he wears a red-suit, he's overweight, and he has a serious problem with me. Could it be…SATAN? Nah, it's probably Santa."
"Correct!" Zorn exclaimed.
"However, alone we are not," Thorn added.
"Neither is Cyrus!" the familiar voice of Quistis shouted as she, Squall, Selphie, Irvine, and Rinoa ran to back me up. I smiled as I faced Kefka once again.
"Oh, dear," Kefka mumbled. "Well, I didn't see this coming. The fat one didn't say the wanderer would have friends. Oh well…more for me to destroy!"
"Are you so consumed with destruction that you forget what we came here to do?" a sinister voice interjected as a black-cloaked figure descended from the ceiling, carrying an excessively long sword. His bright green eyes pierced through me as he ran his gloved fingers through his silver hair.
"You're shitting me," I cursed. "Sephiroth?! You're working for Santa?"
"He's not the only one," a sinister, feminine voice said as we spun around to see who it was. In a cloud of black feathers, a silver-haired woman with exotic markings on her face and body wearing a revealing red gown appeared, and Squall immediately tensed up as he recognized this new adversary:
"Ultimecia," the gunblade wielder growled as he immediately lunged at the sorceress. However, Ultimecia stopped the attack and sent Squall flying into his friends, me included. As we all fell to the ground, Sephiroth stood above us with his hand raised in the air.
"Descend, Heartless Angel," he said as the SeeDs and I were bathed in blood-red light and immediately overcome with immense pain. The agony was so severe that it knocked us out cold. The last thing I saw were the faces of some of Final Fantasy's most diabolical villains hovering over me, the smug look of victory on all their faces…
I woke up in a dingy-looking dungeon, my wrists in irons and chained to the wall. I struggled to free myself, but my efforts were in vain as the chains were too heavy. Frustrated, I began shouting a long series of profanities that would have made George Carlin or Cid Highwind blush.
"Oh, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to pray here."
I stopped swearing long enough to turn towards the sound of the voice: a blue-haired humanoid wearing an open black and red coat. He had a deranged look on his face as he turned to face me.
"Seymour Guado," I hissed. "So, I see you're on Kringle's payroll too."
Seymour chuckled, somewhat amused. "Well, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Mr. Claus has brought us together, this is true. But we are aligned not by his command, but by our unified hatred of you."
"Me?! What in hell's name did I ever do to you?"
Seymour shook his head in disappointment. "You don't know? Very well, allow me to explain. Ever since you started writing, we 'villains' have not gotten any attention save for mentioning us in passing. You've only been writing new storylines, neglecting to bring us back to life and give us our rightful time in the spotlight. As you can imagine, we do not appreciate being ignored."
I was silent for a few minutes before I replied, "So, let me get this straight, because I don't want to get this screwed up: you all joined forces with Santa Claus because I didn't put any of you in a piece of fan fiction?"
"Indeed."
"I see. Okay, let me ask you something, Seymour…WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! You're going to kill me just because I wouldn't write you and the rest of the Legion of Evil in a fucking story?! Explain to me just how that makes any sense!"
"Hmm," Seymour said in a pensive tone. "You do have a point. But I ask you, what can you expect from a collection of lunatics and psychopaths?"
Despite how pissed-off I was, even I had to admit Seymour had a point. "Fair enough. So, what did you bastards do Squall and the rest of the gang?"
"Unfortunately, they are alive and well," the succubus known as Ultimecia chimed in as she came into view. "I wanted to end their miserable lives there and then, but I was…overruled. So I simply erased their memories of your visit and followed the silver-haired swordsman as the jesters dragged you out by your legs."
"Sephiroth tell you to fall in line, bitch?" I taunted as Ultimecia shot me a death glare. I laughed as I continued, "So, how does the freak show want to kill me? Or is that not your call to make?"
"We have our ideas," Seymour replied as he walked up to my prison bars. He slid his hand across them as he explained, "But it is taking our benefactor time to come up with a suitable means for ending your wretched existence."
"And for that remark, I will be sure that your execution is of the 'slow and painful' variety," Ultimecia added with a wicked laugh. Both she and Seymour left the dungeon, leaving me alone to my own thoughts.
"Fuck me eight ways to sunrise. For once, Kringle came up with a plan that even I didn't anticipate. But seriously, how was I supposed to know he'd gather the Final Fantasy villains together?!
"All right, calm down, Truth. You just need to think of a way to get out of this. Now think: you're all alone, there's no one on the outside who knows you've been captured, and I can't get in contact with my reviewers to come bail me out. So…what do I do…what do I do…WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?! DAMN IT!!!"
Frustrated and angry beyond the limits of sanity, I started to once again yank at my chains in a futile attempt to free myself. After several minutes of thrashing and cursing, my body finally gave out as I slumped to the floor in exhaustion. The barred window in my lonely, dark cell allowed the moonlight to come in.
"It's funny," I sadly thought. "The moon's always been a welcomed traveling companion on the Long and Winding Road. Now…now it's just mocking me. This really sucks…"
Deciding that escape at this point wasn't going to happen, I made myself as comfortable as I could on the cold stone floor. After several minutes of dealing with the chilly dungeon air, I finally got comfortable enough to drift off to sleep.
"Wake up!" the annoying voice of Zorn demanded as I staggered to my feet.
"Time to die, it is!" the equally annoying voice of Thorn added.
I opened my eyes and faced the twin jesters. "You two roody-poos again? Haven't I suffered enough and will be suffering enough?"
The two pale-faced jesters turned to each other, acting as if they were confused. I sighed as I spoke up, "Never mind. Look, what the hell do you want?"
"Here to escort you to the execution site, we are!" Thorn shouted enthusiastically.
"You will come with us," Zorn simply ordered as he opened my cell door and entered, followed closely by Thorn.
"Keep you stinking hands off me, you damn dirty clowns!" I roared. The two simply giggled like schoolgirls as Thorn revealed a staff topped with a high-voltage stunner. Without so much as a warning, the red-suited clown thrust it into my side, sending electricity coursing through my body and wracking it with incredible pain.
The electrical jolt was so severe that it forced me to vomit and lose consciousness temporarily. When I did wake up, I found that my arms were bound by heavy chains behind my back and my legs were being tugged on by Zorn and Thorn.
"Too heavy, this Exile is!" Thorn complained.
"At least it isn't the red one," Zorn offered, with got a chuckle out of both clowns. Still dazed by the shock prod, I could only watch as they drag me through a palace that looked like Christmas had thrown up all over the walls, ceilings, and floor. Santa's Fortress was colored in the most sickening combination of red, white, and green candy cane-like stripes, and there were overly garish wreaths and trees set up in every empty corner and wall. The song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," echoed over the palace's loudspeakers, driving my already-weak psyche closer and closer to the point of insanity.
After having endured the trip, I was actually relieved to finally make it to the execution grounds, where Kefka, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, and Seymour were waiting. The circular grounds were close to thirty feet in diameter with a center platform protruding a couple of feet up from the floor. Zorn and Thorn dragged me onto the platform and left me there as they ran over to join Kefka. I was on my knees, waiting for what seemed like an eternity until a familiar, menacing voice echoed throughout the execution grounds…
"MWOHOHOHO! Merry Christmas, friends! And special Christmas tidings to our esteemed guest: Cyrus Truth!"
"Claus," I snarled as the red-suited villain emerged from the shadows and came face-to-face with me.
"So Truth, still think I'm a bumbling idiot now?" Santa triumphantly asked.
"As a matter of fact, yeah," I retorted. "But I have to admit; even I didn't see this coming."
Santa laughed heartily as his belly started jiggling. "To be honest, I really should thank you! After my last couple of failures, I've come to the realization that if you can't beat them, you should join them. You had your friends come and rescue you from my wrath, so I decided to make a few friends of my own!"
The villain gallery laughed wickedly as I spat at the ground at Santa's feet. "Friends? Any Exile worth his cloak knows that a friendship founded on mutual hatred isn't anything real. Sooner or later, it'll come back to bite you in the ass."
"Maybe…maybe not. But it's too bad you won't be around to see it," Santa said with an evil gleam in his eyes as he made a "bring it here" motion with his hands. Zorn and Thorn nodded as they left the execution grounds. The snow started to fall as the jesters pushed in the largest nutcracker in the history of nutcrackers. The thing was fifteen feet tall and had a maw that could crush a coconut…or something else.
"You're going to kill me by crushing my skull…with a nutcracker. Wow, Kringle…that's pretty sad."
"A fitting end for such a smartass," Santa boasted. "Let's see how clever you are when your brains are reduced to mush!"
With that, the center dais rose up to the level of the nutcracker's mouth, carrying me and Claus with it. I struggled to free myself as Santa simply laughed his insipid "ho, ho, ho" all the way up. Once the platform stopped, Santa roughly dragged me into position, placing my head in the mouth of the Doom Nutcracker.
"MWOHOHOHOHOHO! I can't stop laughing! After all these years…after all the failures, I will finally end your miserable life! With one press of this button…"
Santa pulled out a remote control and fingered its big, red button. "With one press, your journey ends! Any last words before the holiday crunch?"
For once, I had nothing to say. No clever puns, no insults, not even a simple freaking profanity rant. Seeing no hope, I had resigned myself to my fate.
"Just get this over with," I finally managed to bitterly mutter.
Santa smiled evilly. "With pleasure. So long, Cyrus Truth!"
Santa's gloved finger slowly went for the button, drawing out my internal suffering. He was microseconds away from pushing it when a noise echoed throughout Santa's Palace.
"What was that?" Santa frantically asked, forgetting to just push the damn button.
The sound of people dying and stuff exploding started to approach the execution grounds. For the first time in a while, I had an honest-to-Truth smile on my face. "Well, Kringle…I can't say for certain what's going on, what with my head in a giant nutcracker after all. But I'm pretty sure you and the freak show are all well and truly screwed."
Santa turned his attention back to me with a look of pure hatred on his roly-poly face as he once again went for the remote control button, albeit with some sense of urgency. Before he could push it, however, a large explosion blew a hole into the execution grounds. Santa and the Final Fantasy villains turned to see what caused the explosion as the dust continued to fall.
Once the dust cleared, I turned my head to see a large, muscular figure wearing jungle camouflage and a thin red bandana on his head. He had long black hair that was a complete briar's nest on his head, and he carried a composite bow and arrow set along with a M60 machine gun with a whole lot of ammo belts.
I smirked as I realized who my apparent savior was. "Rambo…"
"RAMBO!" John Rambo shouted at the top of his lungs as he shot an arrow with an explosive head at the Doom Nutcracker, completely obliterating the wooden construct. I quickly moved my head out of the way and let the head fall to the ground in a million splinters. Santa, now fully scared shitless, called for one of his mutant reindeer and left me alone on the dais. The villains, angry that I wasn't eliminated, decided to follow Claus's example and retreat.
The platform lowered as Rambo approached it. Once I was back at ground level, Rambo used a liquid nitrogen canister to freeze my chains, allowing me to shatter them and free myself. I worked out the kinks in my arms and wrists as I stood up to face my rescuer.
"John fucking Rambo…man, am I glad to see you," I said with utmost gratitude. I then realized something as I asked, "Dude, what in the hell are you doing here?"
Rambo looked at me with a blank stare as he explained in his mumbled manner of speaking, "I'm just here to settle an old score. I didn't expect to save anyone."
"Well, thanks anyway," I replied as I finished my stretching. "So, what's this old score you've got to settle?"
"That fat bastard Santa…he owes me something and I aim to collect. Listen, I gotta go…"
"Not alone," I interrupted. "You're not the only one who owes Santa an ass-kicking. I'm coming with you!"
Rambo looked at me like I was insane. "And how do you expect to fight? You don't got a weapon."
I smirked. "I think I can fix that."
"How?"
With a wide smile on my face, I grabbed Rambo's shoulder (which forced him to repress the urge to kill me) and simply said, "How well do you know this place?"
Rambo led me through Santa's Palace, killing any unfortunate elves and screaming "RAMBO!" at the top of his lungs at every given opportunity. I followed behind until we broke down the doors to what looked like a decadent trophy room.
This room was decorated in the same sickening red and green-candy stripe décor, but along the room's walls various trophies were hung and put on display. I saw several things from Santa's past life as an Exile: his walking stick, his patchwork cloak, and various other artifacts. I scoffed as I scanned the room until I found what I was looking for.
"Bingo," I said as I ran to claim my prize: my driftwood cane. Rambo stood still with a confused look on his face.
"What the hell? You dragged me out here to grab a cane? You can't fight with that?"
"I agree," I replied as my cane morphed into my combat scythe. "But I can fight with this…my Final Chapter!"
Rambo smirked and nodded as I started walking towards him. However, before we could leave the trophy room, the lights cut off, leaving us in complete darkness. Rambo and I stood back-to-back, wondering what the hell was going on.
When the lights came back on, the two of us found ourselves surrounded by the Final Fantasy villains. Facing me were Sephiroth, Ultimecia, and Seymour. Rambo, likewise, was face-to-face with Kefka, Zorn, and Thorn.
"Oh great, is it that time of year again? I thought Villain-Con was next week!"
"Your confidence is unfounded, Exile," Sephiroth spoke up in his gravelly, menacing voice as he pointed Masamune at me.
"We are the greatest collection of evil minds in all of Final Fantasy," Ultimecia added as she conjured up several violet energy spears. "You cannot hope to best us all."
The witch spoke the truth. Killing them one-by-one in a video game was one thing, but all at once in real life? As I struggled to come up with a plan, a solution came to mind…something so stupid it was freaking genius.
"'The greatest collection of evil minds,' eh?" I said with a tone of arrogance. "Maybe. But it does beg the question: which one of you is the most evil?"
"That's easy," Seymour chimed in. "It's me. After all, I was at the forefront of a religion that enslaved the hearts and minds of an entire planet and attempted to save the world from destruction by destroying it myself. That is the very essence of evil."
Ultimecia started to laugh as Seymour stared at her angrily. "Are you serious? You're little more than a messed-up momma's boy. I tried to end all existence and create a world where only I could survive. I'm the truly evil one."
"Really, Ultimecia? Then why is it that you waited until the end of Final Fantasy VIII to actually reveal yourself?" Sephiroth retorted. "At least I had the courage to actively bring about the end of my world and become a god. I'm the greatest villain in Final Fantasy history…just look at all my fan fics."
"ENOUGH!" Kefka screamed. "You lowlifes could never hold a candle to the evilness that is Kefka! For the love of insanity, I'm the only one here who actually succeeded in destroying the world and becoming a god! And I'll destroy anyone who disagrees!"
"Hey! What about us?" Zorn pleaded.
"Truly evil, we are!" Thorn chimed in, which only resulted in getting a look of disbelief from all the villains. Before the jesters could plead their case, Kefka annihilated them both with his Light of Judgment, eviscerating his clown brethren. That attack set off a battle royal amongst the remaining villains, all of them looking to solidify their status as Final Fantasy's greatest villain.
"Let's get out of here!" I shouted to Rambo as we used the chaos to escape the trophy room. I caught one last glance inside as Sephiroth slashed at Seymour while the Guado launched powerful magic spells in retaliation. I chuckled as I closed the door and barricaded it shut.
"Pride…it's a killer!" I exclaimed as Rambo and I continued our search for Santa.
We searched for a good hour before finally reaching the courtyard of Santa's Palace. Being that it was the North Pole, the outside was freezing cold and covered in ice. I clung to my cloak for warmth as I stared at Rambo, wondering how in the hell he was keeping warm despite wearing a torn tank top and thin camo pants.
"Where is he?!" Rambo shouted, his frustration evident.
I shrugged. "Beats me. He usually runs off whenever his plans get screwed up. Maybe he decided to abandon his palace like the little bitch he is."
"You wish, Truth!" Santa shouted from atop the palace's ramparts. Rambo and I turned to face him, and found him standing tall with a rocket launcher cradled in his arms. I pointed Final Chapter at the red-suited demon as I shouted back:
"Hey, Claus! How about you get your fat ass down here so that Rambo and I can stick a lump of coal up it?"
"KRINGLE!" Rambo shouted. "I'm here to collect from you! I want the 'My Little Pony' playset you promised to get me for Christmas when I was five!"
Completely floored by Rambo's request, I turned to the Green Beret and asked him, "'My Little Pony?' Please tell me that's a joke!"
Before Rambo could answer me, Santa made some sweeping gesture as the gates to his palace opened and an army of elves and candy cane tanks came out to face us. A quick glance at the opposing force told me that Rambo and I were outnumbered 100 to 1. Santa was ho-ho-hoing it up as he shouted from his perch:
"You may have ruined my plans and destroyed the villains' alliance, but I still have my army! One way or another, I'm still getting my Christmas present…your heads above my fireplace! MWOHOHOHO!"
My grip tightened as I shouldered my scythe. "Well, Rambo, what do you think?"
Rambo loaded a new ammo belt into his M60 and simply said, "Fuck 'em, Truth."
"My thoughts exactly," I replied as I settled into my combat stance. Rambo aimed his machine gun at the approaching Christmas Militia as he started to shout, "RAM…!"
"HOLD IT!" I screamed, stopping Rambo before he could shout his name. "Something's missing. Give me a second!"
Rambo stood dumbfounded as I walked towards a conveniently-place stereo system that just so happened to have batteries and was hooked up to the palace's speaker system (Creative Privilege FTW!). I searched my cloak for a CD and inserted it into the stereo, as metal started to play…
(Play Cyrus Truth's Battle Anthem: "Cry of the Banshee" by Brocas Helm)
"There. Now you may kill," I said to Rambo.
The one-man killing machine shook his head as he cleared his throat and shouted at the top of his lungs, "RAMBO!!!" He then opened fire and began the battle. Wasting little time, I leapt into a group of grunt elves and started slashing away with Final Chapter.
Despite my initial concern about the staggering odds, I soon found out that Santa's so-called "army" was a joke. The elves weren't soldiers; they were toymakers and gift-wrappers. As such, their fighting skills were woefully inadequate as I continued cutting swaths through the pint-sized militia's lines. Rambo, ankle-deep in spent bullet casings, continued shooting his machine gun and shouting his name as a battle cry.
"RAMBO!" he shouted as his bullets pierced a candy-cane tank, causing it to explode. It seemed that every time Rambo screamed his name, something else died.
"RAMBO! RAMBO! RAMBO! !" the Green Beret continued shouting as elves, tanks, and damn-well whatever else got in his way were riddled with bullets and either fell to the ground dead or simply blew up. I was finishing off a pair of elves as I heard some of them screaming in terror.
"Screw this! That Rambo guy's the Devil incarnate! Retreat, you motherfuckers, RETREAT!"
The elves, figuring that whoever shouted that was the smartest man on the battlefield, followed suit as they ran back into the palace and sealed the gates behind them. Rambo, completely oblivious to the Christmas Militia's retreat and still on "Kill Everything in Sight" Mode, continued firing wildly as I ran up to him.
(End Cyrus Truth's Battle Anthem)
"RAMBO!!!" he continued to shout until I finally reached him and shook him violently.
"John! For the love of Truth, it's over! The war's fucking over!"
Rambo, calming down, looked at me with a blank stare. "Rambo?"
"Yes, Rambo. You've killed everybody. The fight's over. You can go home now, soldier."
Rambo hung his head sadly as he started to walk away. He mournfully said, "Rambo…" as he disappeared into the night.
"Yikes," I muttered. "That guy's a wrench set short of a toolbox."
I then turned my attention back to Santa, who was still standing on the ramparts. He was furious as he shook his fist in anger.
"You worthless elves! Can't you do anything right? Get back out here and kill them. I COMMAND YOU TO…hey wait, what are you…no! DON'T YOU DARE!"
I laughed as several elves pushed Santa over the ramparts and sent him plummeting to the ground. The elves waved at me and shouted, "He's all yours, Wanderer! Fat bastard doesn't pay us enough to do this shit, anyway!"
Santa, thanks to his immense amount of body fat, was able to get back up after the fall without any injuries. He brushed the snow off his red suit as he turned to face me. His face was frozen in fear as I stood there smiling, Final Chapter resting on my shoulder.
"Um…hello, Truth. Listen, no hard feelings? It is the season of forgiving, after all!"
I pretended to think about it before grabbing Final Chapter with both hands and shouting in defiance, "RAMBO!!!"
That was enough to get Santa to run away faster than he ever ran before as I simply stood there and laughed. The elves laughed along with me as I turned my scythe back into my cane and waved at the palace's caretakers.
"Well guys, sorry for killing a lot of your friends, but…"
"Eh, don't worry about it!" one of the elves shouted back. "More eggnog for us!"
I shrugged, deciding to go along with it. "Okay…well, I'd best be heading out. It's a LONG walk back to the Long and Winding Road. I guess I'll see you guys next year!"
The elves looked nervous when I said that, but I simply laughed as I trudged through the snow. In spite of the cold, I was feeling that special kind of warmth that you only feel around this time of year: the spirit of Christmas.
Which, for me, was the same feeling I get whenever I send Santa Claus running for his life.
Yeah, that never gets old.
I spun my cane as I continued walking through the tundra, heading for the Long and Winding Road and my Lair. I admired the aurora in the sky as I shouted out loud:
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD SANTA ASS-KICKING! RAMBO!!!"
Author's Notes:
My first Christmas special...hmm, never thought I'd get enough feedback from my other stories that I would've ever considered writing this. But, there you have it. Hope you all enjoy it!
Special thanks to all my reviewers; past, present, and future. You guys and girls give me the motivation to try anything...even something as ridiculous as this.
After Christmas, it's back to finishing "When Gods Rise Again." I also have a poll set up on my profile page. My next story's going to be a self-insert, but I want to know from my fellow travelers what universe I should throw myself in. Go to my profile and vote today!
Have yourself a Merry Lil' Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) and be sure to leave me a review. Thanks in advance!
See you all on the Long (snow-covered) and Winding Road,
"The Exile" Cyrus Truth