Chuck vs the Crappy Christmas!
A/N
(sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)
--
Deck the Castle with Casey's guns,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Season three will be Awesome,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Don we now our spy apparel,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Why is Morgan wearing a barrel?
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
No more nice spy comes before us,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Casey still thinks Chuck's a wuss,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Follow the fics for CHARAH pleasure,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Where they tell of his love of Sarah,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Fast away the old Intersect passes,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Hail the new, with kung fu flashes,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
Sing with Jeffster, thanks Subway,
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum
NBC listened, the fans say nay
Fa la la la la, Fee-fi-fo-fum,
(If I were you, I would run now.)
(Oh and I do not own anything in the Chuck universe.)
You have been warned.
Sarah Bartowski sat on her bed. Rebbecca, her daughter, slept in the crib set up in the corner.
Under her was Casey, the baby beagle, snoring softly.
"Boy, if they knew how much physical and mental exhaustion one could reach taking care of those two, the CIA would have added it to the torture resistance class," she thought, as she looked over at the duo, thankfully asleep at the same time.
She cringed when she heard the front door smash open and her husband and his best friend's loud voices were heard in crystal clarity. She got up and closed the door before they woke the slumbering duo. "Okay, maybe taking care of those two out there should be added to the course instead."
In the way-over-the top living room, Chuck had made it his mission to make Rebbecca's first Christmas perfect. Decorations were hung, and lights were strung. As long as it remained three feet off the ground, at Sarah's insistence. Chuck at first thought it was due to the baby or the scampy beagle. However, all she had to do was mention the Halloween incident where Chuck spent hours climbing and destroying the Hogwarts decorations. It started innocently enough, after taking Casey for a walk with a new 40 foot leash. Sarah had returned that night from Ellie's and found Chuck hog tied by the leash and a beagle eating his energy bar that was in his back pocket, after Casey, of course, ate the pocket first.
There were three foot blow-up dolls of St. Nick and Frosty in each corner, hiding (or protecting, depending on your point of view) speakers that were playing continuous Christmas music that Chuck constantly spent his free time searching for on iTunes. Sarah put her foot down as Chuck was about to fill the room with plastic snow. However, Sarah used the three air conditioners that he obtained ('to make it feel like the north pole', Chuck whined) as target practice. He dropped the subject of indoor snow.
Chuck was able to get over eight hundred candy canes hung off of every window sill with care. The boy's greatest achievement was a four foot gingerbread house. Granted, it took forty six attempts to get it made, and nearly $700 in supplies. Small price to pay in Chuck's eyes. As extra security, since the pup took an immediate liking to gingerbread, he bought twelve large plastic candles and surrounded the table that held the house.
Chuck and Morgan were now trying to get a huge Christmas tree though the door. After three weeks of searching, what Chuck seriously considered "The finishing touch" was not co-operating.
"Chuck, dude, this ain't working!"
"I hear you, little buddy. What are we doing wrong?"
"I have no idea, man. It looks soooo easy on TV. Hey, maybe we can get it beamed into the living room."
Chuck grabbed the top of the tree and tried to pull it through.
"Chuck, I don't think that will work. Want to rotate it again?"
They started twisting the eight foot tree and after several minutes, Chuck realized that he was going clockwise, and Morgan was going counter clockwise.
"Hey Chuck, what if we get John to come over, or Awesome? Yeah, maybe Ellie will come too. And I heard she's been cooking like crazy this week."
Morgan's voice became almost lyrical. "Think she'll bring SAMPLES?"
"Morgan, she hasn't even invited you for Christmas dinner yet. Be patient, I'll talk to her."
"Oh, Obi Wan, you are my only hope. I am counting down the 47 hours left until turkey heaven is upon us again." Drool flowed freely from both corners of the bearded one's mouth.
"Snap out of it, buddy. She can't get in if there is a tree stuck in the door." Chuck now started burrowing through the tree, trying to figure out where it was stuck.
"Chuck, I think I got it!" Morgan yelled and gave a huge shove while twisting on the base of the tree.
"What the crap!" Chuck yelled as he was thrown under the tree. He felt two Morgan-size Nikes walking down his back as the smaller man dragged it inside, while pine needles sprayed all over the room.
"Oof ow ouch, MORGAN!" was heard from the 'chuck mat'.
"Chuck, what are you doing down there? That is a lousy place to to take a rest, man."
As Chuck slowly rose, he and Morgan grabbed the tree and placed it in the designated corner; After weeks of debating the tree placement with his wife, Sarah had finally acquiesced the night she gave birth. In retrospect, when his wife was screaming profanity like a sailor was probably not the best time to bring up the debate. But, it was so rare that he won an argument. He even chalked up a triple win that night: the tree placement, his daughter's birth, and Sarah allowing her precious one's middle name to become Padmè.
Granted, the hospital had given her enough drugs to knock out a small army, but still, he won.
Over the next three hours, Chuck and Morgan placed bows, made (and ate) popcorn strings, and strung lights and put ornaments on every conceivable place on the tree. Chuck carefully watching the bedroom door in case the beautiful knife-wielding wife appeared. All of her knives were still out on her desk in the bedroom after being 'cleaned, polished and ready for more target practice' earlier in the day.
In the end, he placed the custom made angel, created in the image of his lovely wife, on the top of the tree. It had been a surprise for her. The craft store did an excellent job, making a perfect image of Sarah in a red dress holding two clear plastic knives in each hand. When the white light in the base came on it made the knives glow. Chuck did make the mistake to ask 'big' Casey to pick up the tree topper and he had to add his own touch. Whenever the tree topper heard a nerdy voice, the white light would turn blood red.
They stood back and looked at the picture of Christmas perfection. Every light lit, miles of garland laid, and wreaths hung perfectly in the corner on each wall. Every detail was perfect.
Chuck excitedly ran back to the bedroom and slowly opened the door. Sarah looked toward him with a finger placed to her lips. Chuck slowly crept close to the crib and looked down at the object that shared space in his heart with his wife and gently picked her up and started carrying her into the living room. His wife, with a really bad feeling about this, trailed behind.
Morgan was manning the three video cameras that they had set up to capture the first moment that Padmè (Morgan always called her by her middle name) saw the magic of the season.
Slowly they reached the couch and Chuck turned to show his daughter the tree.
It is then that the magical elves that make up the spirit of the holiday season decided that it was time for the crap to hit the Christmas.
Little Casey had woken up and realized that he need to pee realllllllllly bad. He bolted out of the bedroom door and headed straight to the doggie door through the legs of his father, who not expecting a flying beagle, was taken by complete surprise and did a complete 360 degree turn as he stumbled forward.
Sarah reached out and grabbed the precious bundle from her tumbling husband. However, she fell backwards and ended up flat on her back with the extremely loud crying baby on her stomach. Her legs stuck straight up on the couch.
The beagle then made a beeline for the door again, only to hit the leg of Uncle Morgan, causing the bearded elf to fly into the fake fireplace with the stockings hung with care. This caused the s avalanche of lights and garland that had been placed around the room to fall off the wall in a destructive wave, ending with the plastic candles being stacked one on top of another.
The baby beagle bounced into the ballooned Santa, who immediately stated to lose air. In his panic, Casey took a bite out of it's inflated sack, causing the speaker to get knocked over and a feedback scream to fill the room. The scared pup ran away from the noise and right into the open arms of the hot aired Frosty, who after being knocked by the falling wreath was bobbing back and forth. This was something that the much smaller beagle thought was terrifying. She reached up and bit Frosty on the carrot nose, which emitted a sound like a cross between a whistle and a whoopee cushion.
Meanwhile Chuck stumbled forward and tried to save himself by grabbing one of the giant hanging snowflakes, which caused him to swing like George of the Jungle, and he smashed face first into his perfect Christmas tree.
Somehow in the vast knowledge that the Intersect provides, avoiding swinging into trees was not included. Both the tree and the human database went down like timber. The heavenly body that adorned the top of the tree fell straight down and the dress landed (and got stuck on) the face of the nerd.
Casey shook his head and his eyes lit up like the Christmas tree that he just noticed.
Trotting forward with head high he backed up to the tree and with his butt towards the trunk, and lifted one leg.
Unleash the Casey took on an entirely different meaning at that point.
Relieved, the pup then went over to the fallen candles and using them like stairs, climbed up to the unprotected Gingerbread house. He bit a hole to open the door and went inside. The only thing visible was his wagging tail, and the only thing heard was a satisfied little grunt.
Chuck scrambled to his feet, took two steps toward the pup when his feet flew out from underneath him.
"Umm, Chuck, buddy I think you probably might want to know that..."
"Yes, Morgan, I know." He gave a panicked look around the room. Then, he looked down at his stocking feet - his very wet stocking feet. "But that's not my biggest worry right now, " he said as he watched on the wall the shadow of Sarah climbing off of the sofa. Closing his eyes, the only thought going through his mind 'oh crap oh crap oh crap'. Then he felt the dread in the pit of his stomach. He opened his eyes to see Sarah now stood above him. In Sarah's hands, her daughter and something shiny. In Sarah's 'mini-me' hands, a throwing knife teething ring that a certain NSA agent had made. Identical scowls marred their lovely faces.
He smiled weakly at them.
--
Twas the night before Christmas, and the Family Bartowski sat in the Woodcomb living room. Ellie and Devon just went to change their twins and Morgan was helping himself to fourths in the kitchen. After a crazy couple of weeks, Chuck finally started to relax. Sarah was holding little Rebbecca and snuggled against her husband.
"I love you, Sarah."
"Ditto, Chuck, ditto," Sarah smiled and looked up to accept the kiss offered from her hubby. He had been super sweet even for Chuck, as he was trying to regain the privilege to pick up his daughter again before she started school, and to sleep in his own bed.
With an eyebrow dance on full tilt, he ended the kiss and then whispered "So, how long?"
"It's been 10 minutes so far." She whispered back.
"Really? I suppose that I should not be surprised. Casey is stubborn." Chuck tried hard not to laugh.
They looked over to where puppy Casey stood, tail wagging, and head down looking up at Big Casey, on hands and knees staring back, and neither blinked.
Between them was the last Ronald Reagan cookie.
"Merry Christmas Team Bartowski" Sarah whispered.
Season's Greetings to all!
I was not going to do anything with a Christmas theme, since I can be considered a bah humbugger by nature, however this came out of the next chapter for crappy day. With a few easy changes, it seemed to be a better crappy Christmas idea.
This started with a lot more CHARAH, but I stole most of it for another story.
Thank you jagged1 for the wonderful Beta work. I am humbled by the greatness of your suggestions and for allowing me to bounce ideas off you. If you have read her Christmas fic, then what are you waiting for?
Oh and please vote in my poll, after you're done reading jagged1's fic of course. I did play with the fic after she betad, so blame me.
Oh if anyone is wondering what Casey looks like, I changed my Avatar to the picture of the actual beagle. It seems to take a while for them to change, but I will keep it up for a while, and I am working on another Chuck vs Casey so if you miss it here, them come back later, or see it when that chapter comes out after New Years.
Merry Christmas to Nerds,
And to all a good spy!