Title: Last Minute Contemplations

Author: Amber
Beta: Oli

Rating: Type: G/GPS
Pairing/Characters: Celebrían, mention of Elrond, Glorfindel, twins, Arwen
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Tolkien; I am only borrowing them.
Summary: Celebrían has a few minutes of lucidity before she sails.

I find that I am braver now. I have made the decision to leave here and sail west. I will begin my travels in a few days. This knowledge gives me a sudden ray of hope, which has led to a burst of energy making me realize that I need to tie up loose ends here before I go.

I have talked to my daughter, and said my goodbye as well as leaving her instructions for the running of things in my absence. Somehow I think that was a waste of time for I know in my heart that she will not stay here once I am gone. She will go and dwell with my parents in Lothlorien. I also suspect that I will never see her again, that she will be the one to take the choice of the Secondborn. That is another sorrow upon me that I do not have the energy or will to face.

As for my sons, they are in denial and think that I will not actually leave them. They cannot understand that I no longer have a choice, for if I stay I will fade. I fear what will become of them once I am gone but do not have the energy or will to find the answer. That chore will be left for others to deal with. As for their future, I find that I do not have the will to care anymore. I will worry later, once I have spent time healing myself. My husband can see to them and their choice.

The house staff has been briefed and I have turned my duties over to Lindir. I would have preferred to leave everything to Erestor and his wife but know that they will have enough to do when I am gone. Everything else is of little consequence and will be resolved as needed by others once I am gone.

That only leaves one issue for me to tackle while I am still lucid and able, my husband. I struggle with this issue the most and know not how to resolve it. I would run from this confrontation if I was allowed but know it will happen whatever I do to avoid it. If only I had never made that promise. He tried to warn me not to but I was so stubborn and insisted. Now I must deal with the consequences of breaking my promise to him.

When I told him I would sail he said nothing but turned away and left the room. It was in Glorfindel's eyes that I saw the accusation and anger before he rushed after to try and sooth my husband. While I can ignore Glorfindel's reaction, I cannot put aside Elrond's. I want him to understand, I need him to understand and deep down I know that he does. But could he not show me some understanding instead of turning away? After all I have been through this last year could he not put aside the promise I made and think of me? It is just another sorrow to add to the others I feel. Maybe it would be better if I did not face this problem, after all what will it matter in a few days when I leave. It is not as if confronting him will change anything.

I need to rest now maybe I will talk to him later.

I should never have promised not to leave him.