A/N: Hello everybody. You may or may not be a reader of Down the Rabbit Hole, my other story. This is something separate, and if you'd like a full explanation you can go read the latest update of DTRH. I hope you enjoy the first chapter of my new fic, and any reviews would be greatly appreciated. Have a lovely day, and I hope you enjoy reading!
Crisp air, changing leaves, and puffs of visible breath were the things that characterized autumn in District 2. The Training Academy shut it's doors for two weeks after the Reaping, allowing the Careers to have some well-deserved leisure time before beginning another season of training. Cato Hadley woke up at an uncharacteristically late time, stretching out in bed with a loud yawn. For the first time in months he'd been able to sleep in past 6, but he still didn't feel as rested as he should. It took him a moment to remember why the shower would be running, considering the fact that his roommate was gone for their break. The previous night's events replayed in his mind as the shower shut off and a towel-clad brunette sauntered into his room. A small smirk played on her lips as she made her way over to his bed, clearly pleased with the night before.
"See you around," she said, dropping the towel to pick up her underwear from the foot of his bed.
He folded his hands behind his head, watching her. "Take care, babe. I had a great time last night." This was routine for him, but the routine was getting old. There was sex, yes, but there was no affection and nothing near care. Care and affection were things that he craved, but the girl he cared for could only be held at arm's length.
He'd been down lately, and his inkling of the cause was slowly growing into a full-on, messy problem. Loneliness was not something he was familiar with. His social life was simple and consistent, and he didn't have much to complain about. He was a textbook ladies man, tall and blonde with an impressive build and a face you couldn't say 'no' to. He was known for his natural magnetism, some sort of polarity that drew girls in, kept both sides of his bed filled, and didn't fail to clear his mind of things that did more than scratch the surface of his thoughts. He was particular in choosing the girls that he accepted the attention from. Always someone petite, always someone with dark hair, but never the girl that they all seemed to resemble. This, of course, is where things get messy. Sometimes in the heat of the moment he could pretend it was her. He could imagine that the soft lips on his pulse point were hers, that the quiet sighs into his ear were hers, that the body rocking beneath his was hers, but that was never the case. For years he thought that he was lucky to be Clove's best friend. Clove, the girl who'd given him a bloody nose on the first day of training because he made front of her freckles. Clove, the girl who'd given him her first kiss on her fourteenth birthday and then locked herself in the bathroom for an hour because she was scared that he didn't like it. Clove, who'd still never told him what happened to make her fear any sort of closeness to a person that wasn't him. Clove, the only person he could confide in. The issue here was that the incredible girl who was the source of nearly all of his smiles was also his biggest problem.
Leaves crunched beneath Clove Sevina's feet at regular intervals as she jogged through the district, her jacket sleeves pulled down over her hands to keep them warm. She came to a stop outside of the building where the boys' dorms were located, chewing her lip as she debated whether or not she should go visit Cato. He'd been distant lately, and the fact that it was the first day of a long break and she didn't have any plans with her best friend was a bit unsettling. She understood that it was hard to keep up relationships. She tried her hardest not to overanalyze situations, yet the fact that Cato seemed to be missing from her life was making her mind spin. She didn't blame him for not returning her calls, or for completely ignoring her at training. People needed to focus, and she understood that. She was tired of understanding, though, and she truly did miss having her best friend around. She stepped through the front door of the building, rubbing her arms to warm up as she waited for the elevator. Upon arrival at his floor she spotted another girl making her way down the hall in a classic walk of shame, and she couldn't help but wonder if she'd been in Cato's bed the night before. Being in love with someone who'd 'loved' many was difficult. Each time she overheard a conversation about how hot it was, how intense it was, how wild it was sleeping with Cato Hadley, a piece of her wished that she could play the role of a one night stand. She knew he made them feel special. It truly hurt that her own best friend put more effort into making naked girls whose names he didn't know feel important than he'd been trying to make her feel lately. But nevertheless, being in love with him wasn't a choice. He could hurt her a million times, and she would still have hope that he'd love her back.
He was startled as he heard a familiar knock on his door, followed quickly by a pang of guilt. He knew that he was being a shitty friend to Clove. He thought that pushing her away would make it easier not to have her, because she wouldn't be right there, but missing her was almost as painful as her being nothing more than his best friend. He got out of bed to answer the door, his mind blank of things he could say to her to explain why he'd been so detached.
"Hey," she said as he opened the door, unzipping her jacket. "Are you free now?" she asked, hoping he'd have some time to talk. She was grateful as he opened the door wider, stepping inside and wrapping him in a hug.
"Clove," he said quietly, his arms encircling her in a strong hug. "I think we should talk," he mumbled, sighing at the feeling of her cold cheek pressed to his bare chest.
"I think so, too," she said, letting go of him after a moment. "Is something going on with you?" she asked once they were seated on the couch, pulling her jacket off and setting it beside her. She was nervous for his answer, fearing that they were really just drifting apart. If that was truly the reason they'd been spending more time apart than together, her past year of carefully calculated mess-ups at training and tearful phone conversations explaining to her parents that she was trying her very hardest to get picked as a volunteer would have been all for nothing.
He sighed, knowing she wasn't one to dance around subjects. "I've just been a little down lately," he said, figuring that she'd see through a lie about being stressed. She was well aware that he was confident in training, and he made it clear that his life was (to her knowledge) worry free.
"What's on your mind?" she asked, tucking her feet beneath herself. "It's like you dropped off the face of the earth."
"Nothing, I'm great," he said, shrugging. "I've just been sort of busy."
She sighed, trailing her finger along the seam of her leggings. "Yeah, clearly," she said, shrugging.
He could tell where this was going, as they'd had countless similar ones in the past. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, chuckling slightly.
"I mean clearly you've been busy, with girls," she said, looking at him. "Is that incorrect?"
He rolled his eyes. "No, that's completely correct. I just don't know why my sex life is such a problem with you."
"It isn't," she said, the lie passing her lips easily. "But our friendship is an issue, and I just want to know if you're done being friends with me or if something else is going on."
He raised an eyebrow, his eyes scanning hers. "I'm not done being friends with you, don't be ridiculous. Am I not allowed to be having a weird time? I haven't wanted to hang out much, is that a crime?"
"I'm not being ridiculous," she mumbled, amazed at how easily he made her feel belittled without really trying. "I'm having a hard time understanding you, I guess."
"Then maybe you should stop trying to understand, Clove. I'm lonely, alright? I've been feeling really lonely lately, even with all the girls," he said, regretting it the moment he heard her scoff.
"Oh," she said, looking away from him. "Yeah, that makes sense," she continued, her tone biting.
"Clove, you know what I mean," he said, sighing and looking at her.
"I don't, actually," she said, shrugging. "I don't know how you can tell me that you're lonely when every single girl in the district wants to know if you're busy tonight, and you won't even return my calls. Your best friend's calls."
He swallowed, shaking his head. "You honestly don't know what you're talking about."
"Explain it to me," she said, looking back at him. "Please, explain yourself, because I'm so fucking tired of not being a priority anymore." Her tone was calm, as it usually was, but she felt anxious. Her relationship with Cato was a major part of her life, and it felt like it was slipping through her fingers.
He looked at her, wishing being with her was like being with other girls and he could shut her up with his mouth on hers and his hands on her skin. "You are more of a priority than anyone." The silence following his words was enough to make him uncomfortable, blanketing the room in an almost painful lack of noise.
"Can you quit being so cryptic?" she asked, her voice low. "Everything you're saying is the opposite of what you're showing, and you'd better be able to explain that."
"Fine," he said, moving closer to her. "I'm lonely because I don't have you. I don't return your calls because I just wish you would go away and stop fucking with my head," he murmured, taking a breath. "I'm not good with feelings, Clove. I'm really not good with feelings."
She shut her eyes at his proximity, her heart beating at an embarrassing rate. "You want me to go away so you don't have to deal with how you feel?"
"Of course I don't. I mean, I do, but obviously I don't," he said, unable to collect his thoughts. "You just...you have no idea. That's it. You have no idea."
"Cato, stop," she said, sighing. "What are you trying to say?"
He looked at her, swallowing. When he gazed at her, all he could see was someone too good for him. He saw unattainability, perfection, and everything he wanted but could never deserve. "I'm in love with you," he said quietly, static in his ears as he waited for her response.
She blinked slowly, looking at him. "You…oh my God," she whispered, letting out a breathy laugh. Saying that Cato was bad with feelings was more than an understatement. She couldn't recall a moment when he had actually been in a relationship, or expressed any interest in pursuing a girl for more than an evening of promiscuity in his bed. Her mind returned to the night of her fourteenth birthday, when they'd taken sips from an old bottle of champagne and laid on her bedroom floor talking about everything they possibly could.
"Have you ever kissed anyone?" he asked, propping himself up on an elbow and looking down at her face. The corners of his mouth turned up in a grin as she giggled, the sound warming his heart. "Is that a yes or a no?" he asked, walking his fingertips up her stomach with a chuckle.
"It's a no," she said, laughing. "I would have told you if I kissed somebody," she added, shrugging. Her breath hitched as he pulled her closer by her waist, lying down again beside her and pressing his forehead to his.
"Want me to be your first kiss?" he murmured, the smell of her perfume enveloping him. "I'd be glad to show you what it's like…"
She bit her bottom lip, her heart pounding. "Yeah, I'd like that," she whispered. Only a moment later he was on top of her, his lips pressed to hers as she tried to figure out where her nose was supposed to go. She moved her mouth against his, feeling completely overwhelmed by his hand moving along the curve of her waist and his tongue coaxing her mouth open. She allowed him entrance, mimicking his movements and trying her hardest to keep up.
He pulled away for a moment, grinning slightly at the sight of her smeared lipstick and reddened cheeks. "Wow," he whispered, taking a deep breath. "Happy birthday."
She nodded slightly, her eyes scanning his face. "Wow," she agreed, her breaths coming quickly. Her mouth was captured by his once again, and she let out a gasp against his lips as he slipped his hand beneath the hem of her dress."Cato," she mumbled against his mouth. "We should stop," she whispered.
"You don't like it?" he asked quietly, rubbing his thumb in circles on her inner thigh.
"I like it, I just don't know…" she trailed off as his thumb inched higher, her eyes opening slowly. "You're not my boyfriend, we shouldn't."
"We're best friends," he said, his hand venturing further and her legs clamping shut. "Clove…"
"Stop," she breathed, looking at him with wide eyes. "I wanted to kiss, that's all. We're not together, it's not right."
"Say something, please," he mumbled, having been watching her blank expression for nearly a minute.
"Sorry," she said quickly, letting out another laugh. "You're an idiot."
He raised his eyebrows, swallowing. "Why's that?"
"You're in love with me," she said, moving closer to him. "You're in love with me, and you spend every single night with someone else," she said, looping an arm around his neck. "I've been right here, Cato. You could have been doing all of those things with me, but you were too preoccupied to see that I'm in love with you, too." She shook her head, sighing. "And I don't care at all."
"What an interesting way to let me know how you feel," he said, smirking slightly. "You're telling me that I'm bad at communication, and that I can't see what's right in front of me, but you have the exact same problem." He held her face in his hands, looking into her eyes. "Do you realize how masochistic that is?" he murmured. "To keep something like that inside?"
She nodded, taking a breath. "I know," she said quietly, placing her free hand on his chest. "Every single thing you do hurts me. Every single thing."
"But you're alright with it?" he murmured, pulling her face closer to his. "You're okay with the fact that I've slept with countless girls, that I've been ignoring you?"
"You're cruel, and I'm not alright with it," she breathed, her eyes locked on his. "I hate it. I hate that those girls aren't me, and I hate that you haven't been talking to me, and I hate that you weren't my first and I wasn't yours."
"So what are we going to do about it?" he whispered, his lips brushing hers. "I'm here, and I love you. You love me, too, so much that you don't care about every shitty thing I've done. Does that mean you want to-" He was caught by surprise as she kissed him, her mouth silencing his instead of the other way around. Her kiss was full of force, and by the time they broke apart he could think of nothing besides her lips fitted with his.
"You're such an idiot," she mumbled, pressing herself closer to him. "You're an idiot, and more than a little sadistic, and I want to be with you more than anything else in the world," she said, sighing as his lips found her neck. "And it took us way too long."
"I'm not what you need," he said, nipping at her skin. "I'm nowhere near good enough for you."
"And I'm nowhere near giving a fuck," she replied, climbing onto his lap. "I honestly couldn't care less about any of that right now."
"I don't want to rush," he murmured, though his actions told a different story as he kissed along her jaw.
"Shut up," she muttered. "The conversation's over."
"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into," he whispered, his hands skimming over her sides.
She pressed her lips to his, biting his bottom lip before pulling away. "I know."