Summary: Drabble; Reno and Cloud have a fight, and Cloud has some soul-searching to do, questioning whether or not he can even repair their volatile relationship. Established Reno/Cloud pairing.
Rating: T, for language.
Usual disclaimer: Don't own them, wish I did. This is written for fun, not profit. Any song lyrics quoted are attributed to the artist.
Revolve around yourself
It's you and no one else
Hard for me to stay
Swinging moods that change
From calmness to deranged
Unpredictable, unpredictable
"Only" - Anthrax
"Just get the hell out!" Reno had shouted at Cloud, lobbing a boot at him from across the bedroom. The fight had been ugly, and was long coming; tensions between the two roommates and lovers had exploded into this angry argument, as each threw the other's past in their face.
Things hadn't always been this way. Former enemies became friends, then so much more, when Reno and Cloud realized they were falling in love. Reno's brain clutched at those memories, when the love between the two had felt certain and strong, before dissolving into...this. Was there any love left at this point? It was hard to tell above all of the shouting and accusations.
Cloud, for his part, had tried. Tried letting someone get close to him again after the loss of Zack. He knew it wasn't fair to Reno or to anyone, but some part of his brain would always be holding Zack up as the perfect, ideal mate; one against whom Reno would always fall short by comparison. Cloud loved Reno, deep down, but the loss of Zack still hurt, like an open wound that would never heal.
Reno wasn't perfect by any means, but neither was Cloud. And there came a point where, no matter how much Reno protested, Cloud realized his Turk boyfriend deserved a lot better than someone who simultaneously loved and resented him. Loved him for who he was, and resented him for who he was not. Cloud had to put Zack's ghost to rest once and for all, and he couldn't do that with Reno needing him. This was something he had to handle alone, before attempting to salvage what was left of his relationship with Reno. Cloud wasn't even sure if there would be anything left to salvage when all was said and done.
"You don't get it, Reno," Cloud shouted, ducking as Reno raged on, throwing items at him in an exasperated yet futile attempt to make him listen, to convince him to stay. "I told you, I need to leave. I need to sort things out if we have a chance. But if you keep throwing shit at me like that, I am not coming back, understand?"
"Fuck you, Cloud!" Reno shouted, hand raised to throw another projectile, though he slowly lowered his arm, thinking better of it. "You don't even want to try, you just want to take off and be your moody-ass self again, shuttin' everyone out. No wonder Tifa threw your ass out," he spat, then immediately regretted the words as Cloud glowered at him.
"Well...thanks for making your opinion of me loud and clear," Cloud said coldly, grabbing the keys to Fenrir, and slamming the door behind him. "Just forget it," Cloud muttered, starting up the engine, dirt and gravel spitting up from the wheels as he took off quickly.
Reno stood stock-still in their room, chest heaving with rage as he stared at the motorcycle through the window, speeding away in the twilight. "I get it just fine, Cloud," Reno said sourly, his voice echoing off of the walls, making him feel even more alone.
"I get it just fine, Cloud. I'm not Zack, and I never will be. Sorry to burst your fucking bubble." Reno felt the rage welling up in his chest again, and walked out to the living room. He grabbed his EMR, leaning against the couch. Reno needed to hit something, break something, needed to channel his rage into a concrete action. His eye traveled madly across the room, his gaze stopping at the entertainment center. The television - the 60" flat screen television he'd bought with Cloud when they got this apartment together - before Reno even knew what he was doing, he'd turned the EMR to high, and jammed the metal rod into the glass of the TV, sparks flying and glass shattering everywhere. He felt his arm go numb as the electrical current made contact with the metal tip of the EMR, but Reno did not pull away, not until the pain became unbearable.
"Never gave me a chance," Reno mumbled, throwing the EMR onto the floor, sinking onto the couch with his head in his hands. Finally the tears came, flowing through his fingers as a broken sob shook his thin frame. "Never gave us a chance, Cloud. Why? Just...why? I loved you, and I guess I still love you, you bastard."
Cloud sped on toward the bluffs, out to that place he knew so well and dreaded so much. The very spot upon which Zack had breathed his last. One man brave and foolish enough to go up against the entire ShinRa army - alone. All to protect Cloud, to save him, when the young trooper had been too sick and too damaged to save himself.
"It should have been me who died that day," Cloud whispered, kneeling against the Buster Sword, still stuck in the ground, rust covering its once mighty blade. "Should have been Zack that lived, not me." He touched his forehead to the cool metal, and swallowed around the lump in his throat. He could feel Zack here, could smell him and sense him, could do everything except actually touch him; that realization was the thing that hurt the most.
"I can't help it," Cloud said in a low tone, guilt washing over him as Reno's face appeared in his mind. Loyal, loving, goofy Reno. The one who stood by Cloud after Tifa threw him out; the one who offered him a place to stay; the one who managed to eventually find his way into Cloud's heart, and ultimately his bed. A rocky relationship, but one full of passion; Reno loved fiercely and unconditionally, just as Zack had done. That loyalty and love both drew Cloud in and frightened him at the same time, with all its intensity. He'd closed himself off so much from everyone, Cloud wasn't sure he could even love Reno the way he needed to be loved in return.
"Maybe I'm just too broken. Reno...he deserves better than this," Cloud said, staring up at the sky as if expecting some answer to fall from the heavens above. "And you deserved better too, Zack." Cloud closed his eyes, summoning up a mental image of Reno, those lanky arms wrapped around him as they lay in bed together; Reno comforting Cloud as he woke up screaming from yet another nightmare, dreaming about being trapped in Hojo's labs once again. "I will always be here for you," Reno had promised in a soft whisper in the darkness, lips ghosting across Cloud's sweat-soaked forehead. "Gonna pick you up when you fall, and I'm gonna love you when you feel like you don't love yourself, because I made a promise to you that I would. And I never walk away from my promises."
No, Reno wasn't Zack, and never would be. But he loved Cloud, thorns and all, with an intensity as bright as the sun that beat down relentlessly upon the blond mercenary as he knelt over Zack's memorial in the desert. Cloud loved Reno desperately; there was something undeniable between the two, a bond that had formed even back when the two were enemies. "All those times we were fighting each other, I couldn't bring myself to kill Reno...and he spared my life more than once. Something...something was always there," Cloud murmured to himself. He shook his head, thoughts of Reno taking over his consciousness. The red hair, like a crimson flame framing his face; those piercing turquoise eyes, those soft and pliant lips that curled up into a smirk, then pursing just before drawing Cloud into a kiss. Arms draped across Cloud's torso every night as they slept side by side; waking hours later to find Reno snuggled up right against him, drooling slightly into his shoulder. Cloud smiled tearfully at the images as they flashed across his mind.
I have everything I ever wanted in Reno, and I was too stupid to realize it until now. Too wrapped up in my own pain. Will he forgive me? Gods...I've been an asshole. A complete asshole. What have I done? Is it too late to fix things with Reno now? "Help me," Cloud whispered into the silent desert, tears falling into the parched arid ground, little puffs of sandy dust rising up with each teardrop that fell. "...Help me make it right again."
Cloud stood, and pulled the Buster Sword out of the ground, placing it into one of the compartments on Fenrir, intending on taking it home to polish it and return it to its former luster and glory. He pulled out his cell phone and typed out a quick text before starting up the engine.
~Reno, I'm sorry. I want to come home. Please forgive me. I love you~