A/N: This is like the near ending of a larger story I'll probably never write. I'm a Deangirl so this is a Dean story, but of course it has Sam in it. Ally and Danny are my OCs. Yes, two chicks for the two brothers. I'm sort of sappy about them both being happy. Anyhow, this story doesn't follow the show. The thing that killed the boys mom is dead, but Dean didn't have to sell his soul for Sam and John is dead. Hope everything else becomes clear.
Summary: At Sam's wedding Dean is reunited with the one person he whishes he could forget. A songfic set to Clay Walker's "This woman and this man".
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or anything within it. It belongs to Kripke and the CW and who knows who else. I am just a little kid playing their sandbox and stealing their toys for a brief while. Anything or anyone you do not recognize is mine though. Those things will be easy to spot because Supernatural is genius and I am not.
This Woman and this Man
"Dean," Sam greets him happily when his brother walks in the door, his eyes bright, smile large and those irresistible dimples flashing.
Because it's been two years, Dean lets himself be embraced by his big little brother. "Greetings, freakishly tall one."
Sam just laughs and punches his shoulder lightly. He's just glad that Dean came. He wasn't sure he'd stay once he found out he'd been lied too, but hey, that was a problem for another moment in time.
"Is that the best that you can do?" Dean challenges, arms thrown out in disgust of the pathetic punch.
Sam just laughs again and leads the way into the kitchen. "I promised Danny I'd have a pretty face for the wedding." He opens the fridge grabbing a couple of beers.
Dean makes a disgusted sound. "You have been so pussy whipped." Grabs the offered beer and swigs, settles a hip into the counter and stares seriously at his brother. He hasn't seen Sam this happy in his life, all glowing smiles and excited joy. Near wedded bliss looked good on him. He'd never thought Sam would be the one to get married first if either of them ever got married. He supposed it was because he could still see the little boy he'd more than half raised, all innocent eyes and hero worship for his super big brother. Now here he was, two days before his wedding, practically levitating with all the fuzzy feelings of being in love. He felt a pang, a small sharp dart filled with things he couldn't quite understand. Loss. Sammy had grown up and was getting married, moving on with his life, a glistening future spread before him. What place was there for him anymore? Pride. Despite everything they'd been through, here they were. Sam getting married and Dean there to be his best man. Happiness. His little Sammy had come out on top of all the crap and found a woman that accepted all of him, even that weirdo psychic stuff. He genuinely liked Danny too. She was perfect for Sam, sweet and delicate, still a little innocent, a tendency towards near geekiness, strong and stubborn when she felt like it and loved Sam to pieces. She even put up with him. But there was something else too. A tangled mix of sorrow and something like jealousy but without that feeling of negativity. Sam was getting everything that Dean had ever dreamed of. A woman that loved him for him and accepted and was willing to spend a life with him. He didn't resent, he just wished he had.
"Dean?"
He jerked back to the little kitchen and saw his brother's absurdly large hand waving in his face. He knocked it away in mock annoyance. "Dude, you're so freakin' girly when you do that."
Sam ignored the barb. "What planet were you on?"
He sniffled. "I was just thinking about how my little boy has become all grown and marryin' and stuff," he sobbed, faking tearing up and rubbing at his eye with the back of his hand.
Sam rolled his eyes. "Jesus, man."
Dean laughed as the other gave him a playful shove then the smile he wore turned sober. "I'm serious though, Sam. I'm proud of what you've done with your life."
You're going to want to take back those words once you find out what we've done, he thought. The look on his face turned serious. "Wow, Dean. I mean, wow. You just totally had a chick flick moment."
Dean stared for a second in surprise then just laughed, shaking his head. Sam laughed with him, leaning against the counter on the other side of the tiny kitchen as they sipped their beers. It was a peaceful moment for them both, for them to forget what was going on around them. For Sam an impending wedding and a bride that was alternating between stressed and giddily bouncing off the walls and for Dean, to forget about hunting and the bad things in the dark and the niggling little thought that told him he was alone.
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The next day Sam dragged him to the church for a rehearsal. Dean did his best to wriggle out of it, using every excuse in the book and when that hadn't worked, went on a litany of smart ass comments that would usually break Sam down. But no. His wedding was going to be perfect so they had to rehearse. Rehearse a freaking wedding. It was ludicrous to Dean, but both Sam and Danny had turned the puppy dog eyes on full force and he'd been helpless. So there he was, listening to the little old priest telling him what he had to do feeling like a self conscious fool. Danny had yet to make an appearance since they'd arrived at the church. She'd said something about tracking down her maid of honor and vanished.
They were waiting now, at the altar like they would be at the actual wedding, when he heard the bubbling laughter. Danny's and… some one else's. Curiosity was tickling him because it obviously had to be the maid of honor and he wondered idly if she was hot. He hadn't met any of her friends really. The only one he knew was her and Sam had promised she wouldn't be here. Then the doors opened and she was there. His breath stopped as she stumbled to a stop at the sight of him, those big dark eyes going wide and his heart didn't know if it wanted to soar or shrivel up and die.
He supposed he should have seen it coming. I mean, how stupid had he been, falling for those lies that Sam spun? His family lied for a living. They could spin them and read them better than anyone. Then again, Sam had always been able to fool him when he set his mind to it. His little brother had to be the most sneaky, conniving, manipulative person he knew. All he had to do was turn on those puppy dog eyes and that soft pleading tone and Dean Winchester, demon hunter, ghost buster, evil slayer, invincible, indestructible, emotionally crippled cocky jackass was putty. Just a usable malleable pile of goo. And Sam had used everything on him to get his way. The conversation that put him in this shithole jumped around the insides of his skull all mixed up with ideas of how he'd kill his brother.
He'd just stumbled into his motel room, dirty and bruised from digging up some pissy ghost so he could salt and burn it. He really didn't see why the damn thing had to be so contrary about it. Yeah, he was stopping it from terrorizing the inhabitants of its house and yeah, they had no right to be there especially seeing how the man was the one to make the ghost a ghost in the first place. But he didn't see why it was warranted that he get thrown against headstones for pouring salt and lighting a match. Life was just so freaking unfair. After unloading several shots of salt from his gun into it he'd managed to get the match to light up the coffin, but hell, he hurt. And was filthy. He was making his way to the shower when his cell phone rang. He felt tempted to leave it but his responsible side ticked in. He stumbled back to the bed and flipped it open.
"Yeah?"
"Dean?"
Okay, jolt of surprise. "Sam?"
"Yeah." Pause. "How's it going?"
Shit. He slumped onto the bed, cradling the phone to his ear. "Oh, not to bad. Another ghosty bites the dust. Not before dousing me in ectoplasm, but hey, all in days work right?"
There was a soft laugh at the other end. "Sometimes I miss being out there with you, you know that?"
"Really?" His brows had climbed into his hairline as he drew out the word. "Good. You can climb into the next grave while I stand guard looking pretty."
"Ha ha, funny. And keep dreaming. Besides, I can't."
"Yeah? Why's that?"
Long pause. "Dean, I'm getting married."
The phone fell from nerveless fingers and he had to scramble to keep it from falling to the floor. "Come again?" Was all he could sputter into the mouthpiece.
"Danny and I are getting married."
He managed to hold onto the phone this time. "Okay," was all he said after a long pause.
There was an irritated huff from the other side. "That's all you got? 'Okay'? No 'that's great, Sam' or 'congratulations'?"
"Congratulations," he responded automatically then caught when he just said. "What the hell, man? What are you doing getting married, to Danny nonetheless, depriving the world of hot chick like that?"
"Jesus, Dean," Sam laughed helplessly, his voice staticy over the line. "You never change, man."
Dean smiled to himself. "When's the date?"
"Two weeks."
"What?!"
"We've been dating for nearly two years, knew each other for a year before that, why wait?"
Shit, he was getting all defensive and pissy. Sam pissy was worse than a chick PMS-ing. "Okay, okay, chill out. No need to go into the whole 'I'm an adult, Dean, and can make my own decisions' rant."
"I don't do that."
"You so do that."
"Do not."
"Do too."
"Do not. Dean!"
"Okay fine, I'll let it go, but you do."
There was an exaggerated sigh on the other end.
Dean decided that maybe he should give his brother a break. "So am I invited? Or are you afraid to show me in public, afraid that maybe Danny realized she made a mistake and marry me instead?"
He could imagine Sam shaking his head and giving his annoyed face, the one where he pushed his tongue between his bottom teeth and lip. "Yeah, Dean, you're invited. In fact I want to ask you something."
"Ah, the little man wisened up and is finally coming to his big brother for advice."
"Shut up, Dean."
"Fine. What's the question?"
"Probably going to regret this, but… can you be my best man?"
A lump of sentimentality lodged in his throat and he couldn't speak.
"Dean?" Sam asked worriedly.
He had to swallow several times before he could answer. "Yeah?"
"Are you okay? You've been quiet for like five whole minutes. I mean, that's got to be an all time record."
"Shut up, Sam."
There was a suppressed laugh from the other side. "So?"
"'So' what?"
"Are you going to be my best man?" He demanded exasperated.
He wanted to say yes. His first reaction was to say yes. But then all he could see were big dark eyes, bruised and broken, filled with tears he'd put there and his faith was shaken. "Uh, wouldn't Zach or something be better for this sort of thing?" He fumbled.
"Yeah, probably. But you're my brother and I want you there."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence there, Sammy. Way to go."
"Dean."
He sighed. "I don't know if I can make it, Sam. I've got all these jobs lined up and…." Truth be freaking told, the world was a supernatural vacuum right now. That ghost was the only thing to stir in the past month and he hadn't heard a peep elsewhere.
"Dean, it's my wedding. My one and only wedding. Something like this isn't going to happen again."
Shit, he felt like such an ass. He couldn't believe he was trying to say no to his brother's wedding just because a certain chick would be there. But she wasn't just that, was she? She'd been more, more than just the average bimbo he'd bang against the nearest wall of some sleazy dive. She'd been… she'd been the other half of him. "Sam, I…."
"Dean," he interrupted and then just stopped and was quiet. "She won't be there," he said quietly, so quietly that he barely heard.
He knew. "Sam, that's not…."
"Dean, don't lie to me."
He swallowed because there was another damn lump blocking his breathing and it was nothing like the one he felt at the announcement of Sam's wedding. It was all hard broken grief, tearing at him as fresh and raw as the day it was created. And Sam knew. There was no point lying. "Sam, she's like a sister to Danny. Why the hell wouldn't she be there?"
A moment of silence, long enough to be suspicious, to short to keep the suspicion there. "She went back to college. She's gone to study in London for a couple of months."
"And she won't be coming back for the wedding?" He was all incredulity and hope.
"It's a tight schedule and we gave her no time to make arrangements. She was going to, but Danny talked her out of it."
He didn't know whether he should be happy or sad. Couldn't help the pain that she had obviously moved on with her life and was so freaking involved that she couldn't go to her best friend almost sister's wedding. "Sam…."
"Say yes, Dean. It… it would mean everything to me to have you there."
"Shit, Sam."
"Please?"
Silence. "Yeah, I'll be there."
She still stood there, at the end of the isle with Danny. All that laughing bubbling joy was gone and replaced with a look of betrayal and grief as sharp and bruising as his own. They'd both been set up by the two people who mattered most to them in the world, shoved into the presence of some one they'd sworn to never see again. A part of him could stare at her forever, drinking up the sight of that face and those eyes, but a larger part couldn't stand the hurt and the accusations that cut into his soul. So he turned and brushed by Sam and into the nearest doorway he could see. He didn't care where he went just so long as it was away from her and those dark eyes that condemned.
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She couldn't believe five minutes ago she'd been ecstatically happy and giggling with Danny. It was like another world already. All that giddiness and joy was just stripped away and all that was left was this bare naked agony. It felt like a part of her had been torn out and flayed. She knew just what part, too.
When she'd got the call from Danny that she and Sam were finally tying the knot, she'd been overjoyed. Between the two of them they'd seen more than twenty people's worth of grief and hardship. They deserved to be happy. And she'd been flattered and several ways of pleased to be asked to be maid of honor. She'd said yes. And then she remembered who Sam's brother was and she'd backtracked. Danny had known. Danny had reassured her that Dean was too busy to come. She'd had her misgivings but flown in right away. She'd be damned if she let Dean Winchester ruin one more moment of her life. Danny was like family, like her little sister. She wasn't going to miss her wedding, even if it was to the brother of a man she had sworn to hate for the rest of her life.
She'd spent two blissful weeks planning with Danny and Sam, picking out flowers and dresses and finding that perfect little church. There'd been no mention of the missing brother or his not so possible appearance at the wedding. She was glad of that, really glad. But she thought he was such an ass for not even being able to make his own brother's, his last living family members, wedding. Just another reason to hate Dean Winchester, but she refused to dwell, no matter how many times she could remember laughing with him every time she saw Sam smile. And Sam was in seventh heaven so she was in the seventh circle of hell. But when it was just her and Danny stressing over the dresses and if the flowers were arranged and wedding invitations, it was easy to forget.
Now he was there, standing by the altar with Sam and staring at her with that soul bruising, tortured look. What the hell did he have to feel tortured about? Is the only thought that would conjure and foment into any sort of coherency. She couldn't move, only stare and absorb all the broken beauty of him. The same hair, the same stubble across his jaw and cheeks. Scuffed jeans and plaid shirt and that stupid old leather jacket she could still remember snuggling into. She could feel his voice rippling over her, deep and gravely in the mornings when they'd just woken up. They'd been in love and he'd thrown it away.
The sound of a door slamming brought her to the present and she could feel Danny's hand on her arm. She shrugged it away. "I need a bathroom," she whispered and fled.
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"How could you do this, Sam?" He was yelling and desperately close to screaming. It was either that or throttle the life out of him. Frankly he didn't give a damn which just so long as those haunting accusing dark eyes left his mind.
"You can't run forever, Dean." His voice was soft, placating, reasonable.
Dean wanted him to go straight to hell. "How could you set me up like this? Your own brother." He turned away in disgust.
"Dean, you two were going to have to face each other eventually. You're family, both of you to both of us."
Dean whirled back on him. "I don't give a crap, Sam!"
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She'd locked herself in the bathroom. It was the safest place she had to go right now. She just needed a moment to gather herself and her tears. She wouldn't let him see her cry again, not ever. He'd taken away everything that night, top among them dignity. She'd broken down and begged for him not to leave her, to tell her that he was lying, that he loved her, that she was still everything to him. Looking back she was disgusted at herself. And the most awful thing, she acknowledged staring at herself in the mirror, she'd do and say it all again if she thought it would bring him back. Unable to bear the truth the mirror revealed in her eyes she fled out and into the nearest room. Beyond another door she could hear Sam and Dean arguing. Knowing she should turn and run again, she snuck up to the closed door. Curiosity had always been the near death of her and anything that got Dean Winchester pissed was so worth getting near killed over. Especially if she could use it against him.
She cracked the door to get a view and Dean's voice washed over her.
"I don't give a crap, Sam!" He yelled, fists clenched tight.
"Then you better start." She'd never heard that firm quiet tone come from Sam, didn't know he was capable of that amount of steel.
"Or you gonna what, Sammy? Slap me silly until I listen? Go ahead, try. I'm just waiting for an excuse to kill you."
Sam suddenly launched forward and grabbed the lapels of his jacket and shook him. "Dean, stop acting like a freaking two year old for five seconds." He released him and stepped back before Dean could take a swing. "Sooner or later you're going to have to stop and face the truth."
"Oh, the truth," he muttered sarcastically, turning away, throwing his hands in the air. "The great almighty truth. That's rich coming from you. You who lied to me and said she wouldn't be here, that she was in freaking London. Yeah, the truth according to Sam. No thanks, I'll pass."
So he wasn't the only one lied to, was the only thought she had time for before the doors were flung open before her and she was staring up and up into Dean's eyes. All green fire and broken golds, rippling like dragon scales. His arms stretched out wide holding the double doors and she remembered when they were held open for her to run into. Then a movement beyond his shoulder caught her eye and she looked up. Just in time to see Sam shove Dean all the way through the doorway and shut it soundly.
"Shit," Dean cursed and whirled to open them just as the lock clicked. "Sam!" Silence. "Sam, get your ass over here and open this door." Silence again. "Sam, I'm not above breaking down this door."
"Desecrating the church where I'm going to get married? Not even you, Dean. Have fun in there kids."
"Sam! Sam?!" But he was gone.
Dean turned to her and pointed to the door she'd entered by. "What's through there?" He demanded roughly.
"Bathroom," she replied calmly. They were the first words they'd spoken to each other in nearly three years. How freaking absurd were they?
He edged around her and paced the small room, bereft of furniture and anything but them. She stood where she was, looking at the floor. "Is it that unbearable to be around me?" She asked quietly. His pacing suddenly stopped just off to her right and she raised her eyes to his.
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Been trying so hard just to talk to you
Haven't heard half of what you want me to
I hurt so bad over where we've been
Don't know how not to go back there again
I know what I wanna say
Can I get it through to you now
In some other way
She still looked so beautiful to him. She wore nothing but jeans and a spaghetti strapped tank top, but she was beautiful. Her make up was as he'd always seen it, her hair piled atop her head. Those dark curls tangled in his fingers, his mouth fumbling over hers as they panted, her hands gripping him leaving red trails across his arms, her body arching as he…. No. He tore his gaze away from her.
"That's great," she laughed bitterly.
He hadn't even realized he'd spoken until she answered. "Ally…."
"What, Dean?" She interrupted and there was fire in her eyes as she stared him down. "What else do you have to say?"
I'm sorry. "Would it matter?"
Yeah, the thought screamed inside her head. "Who the hell knows?" She wanted to cry but not in front of him. "So what did Sam mean?"
He refused to look at her because when he did…. "Dean, please. God, Dean." Her face pressed to his throat, body shuddering beneath his as they clung to each other through that dizzying storm, hearts trembling together in a rapid driven staccato. "I love you," a murmured endearment as the last waves lapped lazily at them. He shook the memory away. "About what?"
"Damnit, Dean!" She screamed at him and he was forced to look at her. "Stop doing that!"
"Doing what?!"
"That! Playing dumb. Acting like you don't know, like you don't care."
He didn't cry. Everyone who knew of Dean Winchester knew he didn't cry. Not when his mother died or his father. When he was hurt he gave you that look, the soul bruising, aching look that told you you'd hurt him. But he didn't cry. Looking at her though, tears brimming and knowing what he had to do, he felt them. "Maybe I don't." I love you. I've always loved you. You're the other half of my soul. I want you. I need you.
The tears spilled over, a few, a precious few before she could clamp down on them again. "I don't believe that," she whispered.
He had to be hard; he had to be strong, for both of them. "That's because you don't want to," he told her coldly. "You want to believe I still love you when I never did." I want to spend my life with you, marry you like Sam's marrying Danny. You gave me reason to live, to fight on. I loved you. I still love you.
There was a sudden calm to her now and it frightened him, frightened him with all the possibilities. "You know you act tough, Dean. All you Winchester's do. And you're liars. You can only lie for so long before you get caught up in them."
He wanted to ask what she meant, where she was going with this, but to ask was to give in, to show he cared. It didn't matter though. She continued as if he had asked.
"You see, I believed you when you broke up with me that night. I believed every word you said." Her eyes were accusing, condemning, capturing, but her voice was steady, calm. He was spellbound. "You broke me." He couldn't turn away no matter how much it hurt. "For three months I cried. I barely got out of bed. Didn't talk. Just cried. Then Danny came and I told her everything, just as you said it. And when I was finished, you know what she said?" He didn't answer, just watched. "That that was cruel. And despite everything, all his faults, Dean Winchester wasn't cruel."
He turned away at that, looking at floral carpeted floor, waiting for the blow to fall, the one that would seal his fate.
"I wanted to scream at her that she was wrong, that you were. But I began to talk to people and everyone said the same thing. He was arrogant, he was an ass, he was a womanizer, he was ruthless in a fight. Half a dozen other sins but they all agreed. Dean Winchester wasn't cruel."
He raised his head slowly again as what she was saying sunk in. He was confused, wondering where she was going with this. She was supposed to be condemning him, damning him to hell but… she wasn't.
"I looked back on that night and I realized everything you said, every hurtful word was a carefully aimed blow. You played on every one of my insecurities, used every trick in the book to get me out of your life for good. Everything you said was cruel. So it all had to be a lie."
"Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart." But the brave words came out a choked whisper and she went on like he hadn't spoken.
"Sam called a few months later. He'd called Danny but I was there and he asked to speak to me. He told me all three of you were hot on the trail of the thing that got your mom. But just a couple of days ago they'd fought another demon, a nightmare demon." His eyes snapped to hers. "Sam said it showed you, made you live through your worst fears. He told me that it targeted you, that it showed you the people you loved being killed. He said you screamed my name along with the names of your family."
Oh, God, Sammy. "He said he only heard me screaming for him and dad." Trapped in a hell he knew wasn't real but still believed, he ran. Ran towards the last person left alive to him, the last person he could save. Dad and Sam were dead and he was trapped, trapped in this nightmare. He knew everything he saw was a lie but he believed. And when he saw her there, pinned to the ceiling, eyes black and empty bursting to flames, he'd screamed her name, over and over again he'd screamed. No! "He told me that's all he heard."
"He lied. So tell me, Dean. If you didn't love me, why was me dying in your nightmare?"
He turned away, feeling his body shake, but he couldn't answer. No matter how much he wanted to scream the words, he couldn't.
"Not longer after your dad called," she continued relentlessly on. "He just wanted… he just wanted to talk. So he talked, rambling on about you and Sam. And in the midst of stories of old hunts he dropped a little atom bomb. He said you hadn't screwed anyone since you broke up with me. And I thought to myself, 'wow, Dean Winchester hasn't screwed anyone in over six months. All time record.' After your dad hung up I thought about that. You always had a record of screwing everything in sight, especially when another relationship broke apart. So, Dean, what went wrong? Why were you afraid of me dying, why didn't you move on, why were you so cruel, why were you acting not you? Why, Dean? Why?!"
"What do you want from me?" He exploded.
"The truth!"
"I don't love you!" The words came too fast, too hard.
The tears welled in her eyes again. "I don't believe you," she whispered softly.
"That's your trouble, not mine." He turned and walked away from her, to the door, trying the handle but it was still locked. He dropped his head, pressing against the warm wood.
"Its kinda funny," she commented in an unamused tone. "You know, that you found and killed that demon so soon after you dumped me. That your dad died, killing it, protecting his sons."
His eyes slowly found hers again, but he didn't answer. What could he say? I love you. I left you to keep you safe. I couldn't live to see you die. Not you.
She walked up to him, crowding into the walls he'd so carefully built and cemented into place. Her hands gripped the lapels of his jacket, angelic face raised to his, breath rushing up to butt against his chin. She's beautiful. Full of anger and hurt and confusion and she's beautiful. Accusing and condemning, like an angel full of God's wrath and love confronting Hell. Compassion. Understanding. I love her. Dark pools surrounded by that white and black make up, determined, focused. Broken. I have to save her.
"Tell me you don't love me."
Her words wash through him and he's paralyzed. All his convictions are frozen broken lies. He can't love her, she can't be with him. His life is dangerous. She'd get hurt. He can't. He opens his mouth to say the words, to tell her no, he really doesn't love her and he never did, but they stick in his throat, hollow empty lies he can't force.
A single tear slides down her face and she makes a small smile. "You can't, can you?"
He can't speak, he can't move. He wants to hold her, to push her away, to kiss her, to turn away. Tell her he loves her; tell her he never wanted her.
"You don't have to say you love me," she whispers softly.
Those tears he felt earlier are clogging in behind his eyes and everywhere within his body, an aching pressure squeezing everything until he can't move anymore.
"Just don't keep lying to me."
He knows he can't anymore, knows the game is up. He wants to pull her into his arms, to love her like he does. But he can't. "What do you want from me?" It's all broken and choked and forced and he's surprised it's come out at all.
The hands holding him relax but don't let go. "I want you to love me, to hold me, to say sorry. I want you to want me back." Her eyes closed slowly, opened again infinitely slower. "But I'll settle for you to stop pushing me away, to just let us be, even if it's just for this wedding."
The wedding. He'd forgotten about it in this emotional turmoil, he'd forgotten that Sammy was getting married. "How are we supposed to do that?"
She smiled sadly and he could've kissed her. "Pretend. Pretend that you didn't do your damndest to hurt me. Pretend that all we were was friends."
"How?" They'd been so much more. Lying in another cheap motel room on some bed that probably isn't clean, but it doesn't seem to matter because she's there with him, beneath him. Her fingers are tangled in his hair, her legs around his waist and he's thrusting gently within her. He's braced on his elbows above, their bodies touching everywhere and he's so fucking high. Her mouth stroking gently across his, pausing to share shaky breath. So encompassed within each other their surroundings don't matter. Nothing matters but them and this moment when they're so connected its like one person.
"I don't know." Her eyes lower and he feels like a little piece of his soul has just been detached. He's only whole when they're looking at each other, really looking and he needs her.
"I did it to keep you safe." The words escape before they've formed in his brain. Maybe because they were all feeling and no thought.
Her eyes are so sad, so filled with it they're overflowing. "I know."
"I'd do it all again." Admissions he can't understand why he's making.
"I know that too."
"I can't…." The words are ripped from deep within and he can't go on. He can't make himself say the words. He doesn't know how to say what he needs.
Her finger touches his mouth. "Shh. It's okay. Nothing else."
He closes his eyes and nods, one short clipped dip, then his hand is searching for the handle and this time its open and he's fleeing, running from her sad understanding and all he wants and just can't have.
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There was this woman and there was this man
There was this moment they had a chance to hold onto what they had
How could they be so in love and still never see
Now nothing could be sadder than
This woman this woman and this man
Over the next two days Danny and Sam watched them. They'd noticed since they'd locked the two in that room together, a change. Something almost like peace. It was the first time Dean and Ally had faced each other since he threw her out of his life and slammed the door and salt and burnt the key. It had been nearly three years since that awful night, three years. Three years since both had been alone. It had shocked Sam to find out his brother had gone celibate and he'd been floored to see it held up day after day, week to months, months to years. Then it had shaken him to realize how much she meant, how deeply he loved her. Women had been Dean's only pleasure in life besides his family and he'd forsaken it for her. He wondered if Ally knew how much that meant. For Ally, imposed celibacy wasn't something huge. In all her life, there'd only been two men. Dean and another man who's name he couldn't remember anymore. Cal, or Kyle, or Kent. He wondered sometimes if she remembered anyone other than Dean. And as for now, well, the world might as well have been empty of men for all the attention she paid them. Everyone except him and Danny were convinced she was a lesbian. She didn't notice.
He and Danny had expected screaming and violence when they'd shut those church doors, but the calm steady stream of Ally's voice had been a shock. Dean was barely heard and that was telling. Sam knew why Dean had pushed her, and was still pushing her, out of his life. Apparently so did she. And Dean had had to face it. They'd hoped for something more than this calm truce. Whispered words of love and apology and forgiveness. None. Just quiet understanding on both their parts. They loved each other. They knew that. She couldn't move just yet beyond all he'd done. He wouldn't let her into his life because it was dangerous. Sam understood. He just thought they were idiots. But he'd take this for now, the peace, for the wedding. It was calm now and if he prodded them, it would blow up. It was his instinct to just get all of it out in the open, but Danny held him back. Not for them and their wedding or for Dean, but for Ally. She knew her friend better than he, so he waited. She needed time to heal now that that first confrontation was over. So they sat back and watched and waited.
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He was standing at the altar with Sam and the music had begun. According to the rehearsals, those double doors at the beginning of the aisle would open and the maid of honor would lead the way on that long slow beautiful march. Several times he'd stood here, just like this with Sam and watched her do it, but each time they'd all been dressed in T-shirts and jeans. He hadn't seen the dress she'd wear, wondered somewhere far back in his mind if Danny was one of those crazy bridezillas as they'd been dubbed. He didn't see her as the type. Then again, he'd never been able to imagine this moment with Sam either, at least not in this way. He looked at his brother and smiled when he saw the nervous expectation hidden beneath layers of blissful calm. He had a half smile as well, dimples waiting for the chance to shine. It lifted some of the sadness. And then the doors opened and he was suddenly adrift.
Somewhere far in his hazy mind a thought sang out something about Danny not being a bridezilla but it was lost in the wonder of the sight before him. Her gown was a sleeveless breathtaking creation. Satiny and fashionably wrinkled on the bust, falling to smoothness as it traveled down her legs, covering her feet and trailing a little behind. There was a little teardrop cut out in the center of her chest, showing just a little of the tops of her breasts. The color was softest rose, just hues above ivory, enhancing the soft pink of her skin. She'd forgone her usual make up and most anything else as well. Just soft rose lips and eyes. Her dark hair a mixture of pinned up and let loose to dance along her shoulders, dark red roses held in her hands. To him, she looked the bride and for a heart stopping moment, he could imagine it were true. But then instead of stepping up to him, she stepped to the side, waiting for the true bride to appear. From underneath her lashes she caught his eyes and he saw everything in hers he knew were in his.
But then Danny appeared and the moment was lost as everyone turned to watch her approach. She wasn't nearly as beautiful to him as Ally had been, but when he looked at Sam he knew his opinion would not be shared and it made him smile, not the sad smile of before, but one of true and complete happiness for his brother. When he looked to Ally he saw the same and for the first time in a very long while there was nothing between them, just the love in this moment, for their family and for each other.
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All too soon the ceremony was over and they were whisked to the restaurant where the reception was being held. He drove Danny and Sam in the Impala, Ally sitting up front with him. It amazed him that they managed to laugh the whole way there. He supposed a lot of it was the lovebirds in the backseat who couldn't seem to stop kissing and touching and just laughing because they were so happy. It was infectious and irresistible, gathering the two up front out of their gloomy thoughts and carrying them on the joyous ride.
The reception was just as amazing. Because dad was gone, Dean had the duty of the speech and toast and he teased Sam easily, the jokes rolling smoothly, recounting moments of the couples courtship and a story or two Sam wouldn't have minded if they had been left out. But nothing could bring him down and he laughed and blushed until he thought he'd die of happiness. Dean watched it all with a certain sense of sorrow behind his smiles and jests. He wished dad could have seen it, wished that he shared the carefree bliss. But she was always there and every time his eyes found her she was watching back and he was reflected there, in those dark pools.
Then the first dance came and Sam and Danny swept sweetly across the floor to an equally sweet love ballad that had been the first song they'd danced to together. All so clichéd and chick flick-ish that at any other time he'd be appalled at his brother. But it was his wedding and this was perfect. Then Danny danced with Ally's father Trevor, because hers was gone and he'd been more of that than her biological anyway. Then after that there was a silence and a soft slow love song began to play and Sam was at his side telling him that it was customary for the best man and maid of honor to dance together. Somewhere in his brain, a little voice was yelling at him that it wasn't so but he'd looked up and found Ally watching, waiting, and he'd gone.
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A stranger's eyes in a lover's face
See no signs of a better time and place
Have we lost the key to an open door
I feel the need to reach out to you even more
It's a circle we're going round
If we don't get us out from under
It's gonna take us down
Ally had always been great at dealing with her issues. Self confidant and composed she'd known how to resolve problems. But when it came to Dean, all that was just gone. He was like a freaking tornado in her calm, she the eye and he the storm. He whirled around her, all energy and charm and vibrant life. He'd said once that she was a stabilizing force in his life, capturing and holding him in time. She didn't know where that all went now, all the little words and promises and endearments. All the times they'd whispered "I love you" and made love. Where did it all go now? Was it lost or just hidden or would it only remain in their memories, fading into time? She couldn't answer it, figure out where to go or what to say. She'd thought she'd had a modicum of control of everything until those doors opened and she found out she was wrong.
He'd looked so unfairly handsome standing there at the end of the isle next to Sam. They'd both forgone those tuxedo ties, the crisp white shirts more relaxed. It fit them better. It fit him better. And he had this soft peaceful smile, turned something different as she stepped into view. Catching his eyes, golden green like ripe wheat dancing with grass, everything around her had faded away. All there was, was her walking down the aisle and him. It was her and it was him and they were the ones going to take the vows, place rings upon each others fingers. And she saw the same fantasy reflected in him and her heart broke and the spell was gone. He loved her and refused to admit it, to let it be, and they weren't getting married and she was just the best friend and not the bride. She wanted to be bitter, to be angry, but then Sam and Danny were together at the altar and the words were a buzz in the back of her mind and all she could feel was their happiness and her pride and joy. And Dean feeling all of it with her.
The drive and the reception were amazingly joyful experiences even so close to him. All Sam and Danny, but she let it whisk her away to that happy place were pain didn't touch and the fact that the man that she loved didn't want her couldn't penetrate. She laughed at Dean's toast and speech and made a small one herself, recounting her times with Danny as children, when she watched her and Sam falling in love. It was all poignant sentimentality and Danny was crying and Sam was holding her with his dimpled smile in full force. And across the table Dean was watching her with all the happy sorrow of their remembered love.
The first dance came and it was sweetly beautiful. She could remember them both obsessing over the classes they took to perfect it, all clumsy embarrassment and earnest fun. She'd watched from the sidelines and laughed and cheered. Now them here, her in her dress and he in his suit it was perfect. Then her dad left her side because he was the only father Danny had left now and she'd decided to be generous and loan him out to her best friend. And then that was gone to and Danny suddenly pushed her out onto the dance floor. Before she could question Dean was walking across the floor and she'd slowly and hesitantly been enfolded in his arms. At their embrace everyone else began to do the same and he moved her gently.
They're in some dingy dive with more smoke than oxygen and beer smell fighting for that last bit, but she can't tell because Dean has his arms around her waist and hers are around his neck and they're swaying softly to something coming from the jukebox. She doesn't know what it is, but its soft and it's about love and she's in Dean's arms and his cheek is pressed to the side of her face and she's at peace. They're pressed so close its impossible to take a step, but she's okay with just swaying in place, her face against the warm column of his throat where the flannel shirt is unbuttoned, seemingly just for this reason. His amulet is pressing into her collarbone, but she'll be damned if she moves, even a little because this, this love, this is perfection.
It's not like that now. There's a gulf between them, physical and everything else. He doesn't want to pull her too close because then it'll be too easy to just fall together again and he wont let it happen. She knows this so she lays her head on his chest and feels the stiffness enter his body. She ignores because right now she can't think of him and his needs. She needs to be held close, to be close to him and its not long before he closes his eyes and rests his cheek against the top of her head. She closes her eyes too and presses a little closer so that gap isn't so big and hopes it closes those other gaps too.
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There was this woman and there was this man
There was this moment they had a chance to hold onto what they had
How could they be so in love and still never see
Now nothing could be sadder than
This woman this woman and this man
They're stiff as boards and more awkward than two teenagers going to their first dance together. But they're holding each other and they aren't arguing or giving each other those bruised looks. Sam nudges the woman in his arms and Danny follows his gaze and smiles. Dean and Ally lean in a little closer, arms and hands tightening, closing the distances between.
"They're so in love," Danny whispers softly into his chest. She doesn't even reach to his shoulders and it makes him smile as he envelops her a little more.
"Yeah," he whispers into her hair.
"Your brother is an idiot."
His smile turns to a grin. "I know."
"We're going to have to take more drastic measures, you know that, right?" She's all smiling earnestness and mischief.
Adoring puppy eyes watch back. "Yeah, but this is enough for now."
She nods and they watch the other couple across the room and wait.
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For all we've got to lose there's so much to gain
If we come this far and leave it behind
There's only you and me to blame
They're still dancing and they don't know for how long or if the songs changed because they're afraid of disturbing this peace. There's no fighting or angry thoughts, just quiet sadness that's easier to bear than the pain. But she loves him and she knows there won't ever be another for her and she knows he loves her back. It's funny that she's this certain that he still cares because through half their relationship she was so insecure, so afraid that he'd leave her for the next bimbo that flirted with him. But he hadn't. It hadn't been anyone but him that broke their relationship and he did it all so she wouldn't get hurt. It was such an oxymoron she would have laughed if she didn't want to cry. So she knows she's the one that would have to make the moves and press the buttons that would let him come back. Yeah, there was a chance it would only push him farther, but he wasn't going to come back on his own, ever. He could be that stubborn. So what did she have to lose?
"Can we move past this?" She asks quietly. It's the first words they've spoken to each other since that first meeting.
His grip tightens. "To what?"
She wants to hit him for his stubbornness, but she needs him more. "You know what I want."
He doesn't answer, just keeps moving them slowly about the floor, deftly keeping a distance from all the other couples. People watching think the two are a couple and whisper among themselves when they're wedding date will be. No one sees the truth.
She looks up at him, face clouded with his mask so she can't see what he's feeling. "But I'll settle for friendship."
He swallows. He wants to talk, to answer, but he can't.
"The hurts going to fade, Dean," she pushes gently. "And we'll be able to be around each other like normal people again." She squeezes the hand that's holding hers. "If you let us."
She's biting her lip, waiting for his answer. He wants to tell her no, that he never wants to see her again, that god-damnit-why-cant-you-understand-I'm-doing-this-for-you answer sticking in his throat. Because if he lets the hurt go and lets them be friends again, she's going to jump back into his life and wrap herself around his heart and he wont be able to let go of her a second time. But what comes out is "yeah. Okay." And his heart leaps and he kicks himself when she gives him that full angelic smile and lays her head back on his chest.
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There was this woman and there was this man
There was this moment they had a chance to hold onto what they had
How could they be so in love and still never see
Now nothing could be sadder than
This woman this woman and this man
Danny nudges him this time and Sam takes his attention from his bride –his bride. Jesus- and looks to where she nods her head. He knows he'll be seeing Dean and Ally, but what he sees isn't what he expects. They're talking, all quiet and sad, or she is and Dean's just listening. He can feel his brother's emotions from all the way over here and his heart plummets, thinking that his and Danny's plan has backfired and Dean's pushing her away again. Then Dean says something and Ally suddenly blooms in a huge smile and she snuggles, snuggles, back into Dean. And his brother pulls her a little closer and though the woman in his arms can't see it, there's a little happy smile tingeing his lips. Sam looks down at Danny and she's looking back up at him and they both grin.
"Phase One of Operation Reuniting True Love complete," she giggles.
He laughs and places a light kiss on the tip of her nose. "You're a genius," he tells her.
She winks at him. "That's why you married me."
He laughs and twirls her around. Later he'll find out that it wasn't all a bunch of "I love you's" being exchanged and his spirit will dip a bit, but then Danny will tell him that time is what is needed and everything will happen eventually. With a little nudging on their parts, she'll add slyly.
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Yeah we can get it back again
This woman this woman and this man
She knows that as soon as this wedding is over Dean will take off again and he'll be gone as long as he can. But she knows that he can't stay away forever. He and Sam have never been able to kick each other out of their lives. They don't want to anymore, either. And she'll be there, waiting, just waiting because now there's hope. They're not back together again, but the road there has already begun to be traveled and now that their feet were on it, there was no turning back. She was patient, she could wait. Their love was worth the wait.
Okay, there it is. You've come this far, might as well go the distance right? You know what I want, doncha? Please? Fine, I won't beg but I'd be most obliged if you let me know how I did. :D