At what cost?
How do you destroy a monster without becoming one yourself? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I feel the mark, The Mark of Cain, burning on my arm. It's fire tracing through my veins, up my arm and into my heart. Spreading throughout my entire body. Its power is overtaking me, little by little. The urge to kill gets stronger with each passing day. My days of being able to quell its power are dwindling.
I knew, when I saw the look on Sam's face after killing Abandon. I tried, God I tried. The blade felt so powerful and yet so heavy in my hand. The weight of it continued to drag the blade through Abandons body, blood splattering all over me. I didn't' even feel it. Inside I was screaming, trying to stop my actions. The mark had other ideas.
It was Sammy. It's always Sammy. The sound of his voice finally broke through. As bad as things have been between us these last few months, it's still the one thing that keeps me grounded. Keeps me sane. I don't think he knows, or even cares to know that. I wouldn't even know how to tell him. Even if he would stop to listen to me, I am past the point of trying to explain my reasoning. I don't even know if I understand anymore.
I still feel like I am doing the right thing. But now, I feel like the price was too steep. No. I can't think like that. It was Sam's life. I had to protect Sam. I could never pay enough. Sam deserves everything. Every opportunity. Every dream he has ever dreamt. He deserves a shot at a normal life. Even if that is no longer a wife, snot nosed kid, or a dog.
Things have changed dramatically for us both the last few years. I don't think that either of us would ever feel truly comfortable trying to live a 'normal' life. It's just not us anymore. But for Sammy, I would give anything to at least give him the opportunity to try.
So I guess the monster I am becoming, is the monster I needed to be. I was wrong when I said the price was to seep. Nothing is too much when it comes to Sammy.
I know the cost now. I feel the inevitable creeping closer and closer with each kill. I know I don't want to become, what I feel deep down, I am becoming. So in the end, it will be me, my life, which will pay the ultimate price. I don't think that is too much to pay….
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