Chapter one

The howl of the wolf echoed through the forest around Sam. "Good girl." He praised her with a pet on her flank while listening to the sound bounce off the large pine tree stems next to the path. What his eyes couldn't see his brain filled in. Sam shivered in the cool air. His demon half didn't appreciate the humid autumn air… neither did his injured leg. After the long hike to gather supplies it was sore. Taking care not to slip on the downhill deer track Sam curled his fingers in the nape of his companion's neck, his silent request for her to stay with him and lead the way.

Breeze growled low in her answer. Her loyalty had never wavered since he'd pulled her tiny body from a poacher's trap. She was all he had left. She'd become his eyes… and sometimes his ears too, he realised when she paused as if she'd heard something. Sam too stopped walking to reach out with the sense he'd let surface now two years ago. Nothing, but that didn't mean he could ignore her warning. More quietly than before Sam walked on. "Come", he urged Breeze on with a soft order.

The last of the daylight was beginning to fade. Sam didn't mind. It changed nothing in the way he moved through the forest around him. In fact, it was almost easier when the world around him wasn't so bright. Feeling his way past a rough barked tree Sam headed along the bend of the nigh invisible path. A mile or so left to go, and his thoughts drifted away like they so often did.

Memories could never be unseen, not even by the near blind. The sharp light of the explosion… and the pain of its heat, which had engulfed him while the walls around him had crashed down. His desperate and oh so human instinct to survive had surged him forth. Before, he had not dared to embrace what he was, what pulsed inside him so dark that he'd feared it. Demonic blood, both his own and from the pool he'd fallen into, rushed painfully into his wounds and through his veins. Sam had heard its call for what it was; his ticket out of death.

Absent-minded Sam hauled the canvas shoulder bag firmer up on his shoulder. It wasn't heavy, but it had almost slid off. Sam could smell the herbs and plants he'd tucked inside it during his hike. They didn't taste too well, but the tea at least would warm his bones and chase out some of the soreness in his hip. At the time of the explosion his stupid leg had caught the brunt of the panels which had crashed down on him. When he'd crawled out from under the rubble it had hurt like a bitch… but still, at least he hadn't lost it. The blood he wasn't born with had done more than save him, for it too had chased dooming infections off. His skin had almost felt numb too by the time he stitched himself up with bloodied fingers, alone… because his brother Dean was gone. Vanished into nothing, to leave Sam deal with the mess of his battered body by himself.

Reaching the side of the lake Sam glanced over the water. Dark except for the moon, which mirrored in the surface, bright and soothing. Something felt off to him though, but the night didn't give him answers… no other than the vague smell of petrol. A car? Sam frowned, worried for a moment if this meant an intrusion into his life. Was it still here? What of its owner? He stared further out into the night. Nothing. His demon sense drew short too, though something about the tension in the air felt almost familiar to him. Forcing himself to calm down Sam shifted his eyes back to their human green irises. It was better to be safe than to be sorry, he decided. If someone was here, he couldn't give himself away. What if it was a hunter?

Sam shivered, not sure if it wasn't better to run. No, this was his home, dammit. He would never hurt an innocent. That was why he'd come to this secluded lodge. To heal… and to hide what he was from both sides, because neither would understand. Picking up on Breeze's growl, and how it lingered as if she agreed with him, Sam petted her flank. "I know", he told her softly. "Come." He aimed for the lodge, ensured by the knowledge that he was armed. The trusted knife tucked in his coat had taken down many demons and Sam felt safer with it. Sure, he hadn't fought with another soul in two years, but he wasn't alone should he have to now. Breeze was bound to have his back too.

Still apprehensive and on high alert he reached the clearing around the lodge. Mind made up to walk on Sam refused to back down. The person he sensed inside was trespassing, not he. Though the credit card he had used to buy the place was not above board he owned it according to the national park rangers. No one could prove that he didn't have the right to live here, and that was all he needed to stand his ground. Determined to chase whoever it was away Sam closed the last yards before heading inside, prepared to defend himself.

Everything he'd felt and was slammed to a halt. The vague shape of the man in his house looked painfully familiar. Dean! How could he be alive? And for how long had his brother been in here? He had never heard the distinct sound of the Impala engine approach through the forest. Ah, of course not. Sam corrected himself on the thought. Last he had seen of Dean's four-wheeled pride and joy it had been nothing but a wreck, a metal carcass rammed into the sign of that blasted Leviathan's company. It had been used as a distraction by their unlikely friend Meg while Dean and he had sneaked inside the building under the radar of the monsters who pretended to be humans. So, another car?

A faint glimmer of something moved where but a second ago Dean too had frozen at the sight of him limping back in his life. Sam was back on alert at once. Careful! His mind fast provided a warning to his inner demon half. It hated holy water, even when it couldn't hurt him visibly it made his demonic blood itch. Not willing to deal with the sensation either Sam let it retreat deeper into his soul, all too aware of how Dean used to fear it almost more so than the demon part in him feared the holy water.

Just in time! In the next breath water splashed into his face, against his chest, dripping down, and seeping into his shirt under his open hanging coat. Sam gasped at the coolness of it. It was one thing to accept it and understand where Dean came from, but another to not hate what it stood for; distrust.

Blinking the water from his eyes Sam breathed a sigh to steady himself for what he knew would come next. The shape before him offered a sheepish smile. Dean it seemed had changed too. More balanced, held together in his stance… not as defensive as before, but still, like was so typical of Dean, with an aura of sureness. Had he grown stronger too? Sam knew the shape of his brother better than anyone else, and it told him of broader shoulders and stronger arms.

In his observation of Dean, he risked it for the Demon half of him to shift his eyes into their black irises. He needed to know, refused to not look and hide himself in plain sight for any longer. Sam was done lying. If Dean saw all of him, then he did. This was HIS home. If his brother didn't accept him then he could leave, and Sam would pretend that the stretched-out moment of tension had never happened. He'd continue being what he was now; a recluse.

"Your eyes." Of course Dean noticed. He was too good a hunter not to see what was what. "What are you?" His voice came out startled at first… then sharper, inquisitive.

When Dean took a step forwards to see more of him Sam cringed at the unyielding shape before him. Was it too late to run? Curling his fingers deep into warm, course neck fur Sam recovered slowly from the shock. No, he had not wanted the intrusion, but for Dean he'd always make an exception and try to make him see. Still… that didn't mean he would yield to the request. Deep down Sam felt no different in his soul. Sure, he wasn't the same man, but who could be after what he'd faced? Breeze stood growling again by the time Sam answered the question. "Dean, I am still me."

The more detailed shape seen through his demon eyes shook his head at him. Dean didn't believe him, couldn't yet, because he hadn't been around for the last two years. Sam though felt relief at the lack of immediate rejection. It offered him hope. Maybe he can be accepted? Well, at least by his brother if not by anyone else… not that they even had a someone else left. "You were hiding."

Sam winced at the truth of Dean's sharp accusation. Unsure of how to answer it Sam dug in his heals. "You were dead." To him it said everything about his reasons. He had stood no chance at help, had to face life alone since the explosion… so which other choice could he have made?

Dean though threw it back in his face. "Not quite. Cas and I stood too close to the blast which sent Dick and his Leviathans away. We got hauled into purgatory for our efforts."

"How…" Sam swallowed to find his rarely used voice. "… are you here?"

"It took me over a year, but I fought my way out. Needed ten damned months more fix the Impala and come to find you."

"Cas?"

Dean swallowed, a sound of pain trapped in his throat for his brother would never show it or speak of it until he couldn't escape it. "He didn't make it." Four words, which spoke volumes for that Dean was hurting still and he would do so for a while to come. Sam sensed a wound he could not pick at, not without risking a full-blown fight.

Understanding such a personal pain all too well Sam focussed instead on Breeze, who had begun to show her restlessness with growls and her paws tapping on the floor to beg for attention. She wanted to scent the newcomer. Figure out where he fit in… if he did at all. Aware of her wolf instincts Sam set her free, watching as she sniffed out Dean and nuzzled his jeans covered legs as if to learn where he's been.

Frozen by her nearness at first Dean's shape moved almost unseen, except for that Sam had heightened senses these days. He had smelled gunpowder from the go, knew where his brother kept hidden said weapon too and could even envision how his right hand was creeping towards it. The hunter never slept. "Don't", Sam therefore warned him. "She is my eyes now."

"What the hell happened to you?" Dean sounded startled, chastised even. Maybe he had thought that because Sam couldn't see he wouldn't know. Then again, Sam realised it could also be due to the fact that on the surface Dean wasn't much of an animal person. Allergic to cats… and a rule of no dogs allowed in the car. Well, too bad, this was Breeze's home too!

Done with the face to face scrutiny Sam put his filled bag on the dining table to ignore the question. Once he had shrugged off his coat, he rested it over the nearest chair stood by the side of the table. The vivid memory of the flash of light, heat and pain though came to him regardless of his denial to speak. He had come too close to death, far too close… and time be damned it still hurt.

"Sammy?"

Sam bought himself a few more precious seconds to steady his mind by feeling his way around the table and to aim for the kitchen sink. He turned on the tap and filled two grey mugs with cool water. Walking back the way he came, counting his steps almost in unawareness, he paused to offer a mug to Dean. With a shrug he explained, "No fridge, so no beer."

The eyes which had followed him in scrutiny still gave no quarter. Though he did not see the emotions in them Sam felt the tension ooze off his brother at his nearness. Distrust surely? No, again, it was accusation and wonder behind the anger in the words Dean all but spat at him. "Dammit, will you stop hiding from me?"

Angered in turn Sam put down the denied mug with a thud, before brushing past his for no reason offended brother. The action proved enough to draw Dean short. Sam though found no solace in it. Instead he plopped down on the couch, brushing the hair from his face to address what he knew he had to say. "You left me in the mess. This? It is me now. Take it or leave me be."

Where he'd felt tense too Sam deflated the second Breeze sat down next to his legs to rest her head on his right knee. Glad for her thoughtful presence he scratched her between her ears. Her yawn was all the reward he needed to calm down. Doing so he felt Dean close some of the distance between them. His booted feet though stopped short of the couch. Not invited and still fearful he didn't sit down, which Sam could understand. They weren't quite there yet… as evidenced further by how Dean crossed his arms. "Not leaving until I know, Sammy."

Sam observed him, seeing him through demon eyes and the added glow of the single source of artificial light in the open spaced, modest lodge. Sharp eyes met his. Dean said that he needed to know, and so he observed him in turn… of course he did. Sam smiled to himself. Maybe they were more alike than they'd like to think. Dean had indeed changed. Aged, as shown by the crinkled lines around his eyes. Calmer in demeanour… more at peace with himself? Sam wondered how that could be. Had purgatory somehow done his brother a favour?

Driven to honesty by the way Dean didn't hide from him Sam admitted, "Irony, is what happened. Seconds after you vanished four or so demons blundered in. They attacked me, and I fought them. I heard something crash, like glass shattering, followed by an explosion. The lab ripped apart where it hadn't in the blast wave you created. I don't know what hit me, but when I came to, I crawled out only because of the blood which shouldn't be mine but is."

"You what?" Dean paused talking where Sam let him wrap his head around it. This was the moment he had both dreaded and hoped for. A chance for his brother too to realise that what they both had once hated, feared even longer, had made it possible even for Sam to be here. Downing his water Sam waited for the inevitable to hit home. It came the second he put down his now emptied mug. "So, in my absence you went dark side on me." Somehow it sounded less damning than Sam had always imagined…

Shaking his head before Dean had the time to get angry Sam offered his truth. "No, I just stopped being scared of myself. Not a conscious decision, but one born from the need to survive. Dean, no instinct is more human than that. You can't fault me for it."

"I know." Dean sat down by his side, not yet facing him and yet no longer afraid for him, or so Sam decided in the absence of the smell of fear. "What now?"

On a hunch Sam made his decision. "Have the couch", he offered while getting up from where he sat. Glad for Breeze's attention he used her to guide his limping way, because his leg was playing up after the long hike, towards the bedroom at the back of the lodge. Pausing at the doorway Sam faced Dean with a smile. "It is dark outside. You can find the road better in the morning."

"Are you sending me away?" Dean answered his smile with a sad one of his own.

Sam merely shrugged. What more could he say? Part of him was indeed sending his brother away, but the part of him which had missed Dean a lot more than he'd thought wanted for him to stay. The choice though had to be his. Sam refused to make it for him. "Night." He parted from his brother by closing the door to retreat to the solitude silence which allowed him to recover.