A word of warning in advance. This Fanfic will make absolutely no sense
whatsoever except for the sense that I give it, if I chose to do so at any
time. There will be massive plot holes that I will not care to backtrack on
or explain, there will be some time flipping from past, present and then
into the future and back again, and a bunch of people will meet with
hilarious and disastrous results. So now that you people have all be
warned, please enjoy this fanfic which will make absolutely no sense
whatsoever. Well, there IS a plot but that'll be very loose as well..
* * * *
One day in the city of Meridian where our story begins, which wasn't a happy place if you were a vampire on the run from the law, people were walking along and merrily minding their own business. Harry the shoemaker was making shoes as he always did, the Goodwife Tina was gossiping about the Sarafan Lord to all of her friends, even if she knew nothing about him; Frank and Tony (the medieval mafia group) were making their rounds and getting their money from the people they 'protected' and even the city's drunk was outside of the Red Raven Pub, causing a scene as he always did which was quite natural since he was the town drunk and had held that position for the last twelve years.
Well, the Sarafan patrols were minding their own business, walking back and forth, back and forth down the boring streets and sometimes causing trouble for the hell of it because everything else was just so damn boring. Of course as we all know the merry peace and quiet in the city of Meridian was about to be broken because that's what's expected in this fanfiction here.
Two Glyph Guards (we'll give them the names of Seamus and Carl) were watching the main gates and trying not to fall asleep from the sheer boredom of it all when Carl looked up in the sky.
Carl: I do say my good friend, but that speck on the horizon is getting closer and closer.
Seamus: So?
Carl: Does that not concern you in the least?
Seamus: Not really.
Well, Carl had made Mistake no.1 in this fanfiction: Looking into the sky and seeing a mysterious flying object. So with some concern Carl watched the speck get closer and closer as Seamus tried to make a decent pot of coffee over a very weak fire. Suddenly there was a gout of flame, accompanied by a low swooping sound and a very big black shadow. Seamus looked up in the sky, saw nothing, shrugged and went back to making his coffee.
Seamus: Damn it, that mysterious wind that kicked up blew out the fire. Carl, I need your lighter.
Seamus wouldn't be able to get Carl's lighter anytime soon because Carl was dead.
Yes indeed, Carl the Glyph Knight was as dead as it was possibly could be. He was nothing more than a charred skeleton in his suit of armour, which looked perfectly clean and spotless for some reason considering he had gone up as a human torch, one of the first recorded cases of the supposed human combustion theory. Hell, there was even a small fire still around Carl's feet. Seamus didn't think much of this; in fact he thought that Carl's new lighter bought at the Glyph Energy Store had killed his friend and he was just glad he didn't have it in his hands. Taking a piece of wood nearby Seamus managed to set it blazing with the fire around Carl's feet and went back to making his coffee, which he took with about ten teaspoons of sugar and half a cup of goat's milk. No cow's milk mind you, because cow's milk was too expensive in this day and age in Meridian.
Seamus didn't know the thing he had unwillingly let into Meridian that morning, and all because he was making that coffee, which was very weak and gave him horrible cramps in his gut, but that's beside the point.
This large, black, massive, oppressive, ominous shadow crossed over the city of Meridian. It passed over Harry the shoemaker's shop, causing him to miss a nail and hammer his thumb with the large mallet in his other hand, sending him into a spree of swearing that rivaled those of cab drivers cut off in Meridian traffic. Goodwife Tina looked up at the large shadow and promptly fainted, something that was considered good by all the other goodwives because now she would just shut the hell up and that would be that. Frank and Tony gazed up at the thing that flew over them, becoming the second and third reported cases of the supposed human combustion theory that day. And even the city's drunk looked up and pissed his pants in sheer fright, but that was unremarkable because he did that all that time.
In the next few minutes, all hell broke loose. Fires suddenly erupted from nowhere, rioting began in earnest because everyone needs a good reason to riot sometime or another in their boring life, and the percentage of wedgies and wet willies soared into the thousands. The Sarafan Lord was outraged. How did this happen, and of all days on Tuesdays when he loved watching his soaps on the television? Something had to be done, and done quickly if he was to get back to his scheduled programs. So he summoned his officers for a top-secret meeting, which wasn't very secret to begin with because everyone in the Sarafan Fortress knew about it (Al's Catering Service was putting out the buffet for the supposed top secret meeting) and it wasn't exactly a meeting because the Sarafan Lord didn't ask the opinions of his officers, only screaming at them while waving the Soul Reaver around in an important way.
Sarafan Lord: What it this menace that had entered our city, making people self-combust, causing the rioting and making me miss my scheduled programs on television?
Marcus: We don't know, Milord.
Sebastian: (Leaning over to Marcus) Shut up, you idiot. You're only going to make it worse for us.
Faustus: Worse? How can it possible get any worse? I have some parts of the Smugglers' Den burning and I have to be here listening to the Sarafan Lord ranting and raving on!
Marcus: Oh shut up. No one cares if the Den burns. It's an ugly place and no one will care if it's gone!
Faustus: I will!
Marcus: You're vote doesn't count!
Faustus: Why not?
Marcus: Because! That's why.
Faustus: Okay, that's it! (Faustus flicks Marcus's ear; the bald vampire retaliates by kicking Faustus in the knee)
As the two are fighting and breaking apart the throne room as well as one of a kind items, Sebastian and the Sarafan Lord decide what this menace could be.
Sebastian: I have the answer. I'll just get the book 'Menaces That Appear From Nowhere' written by the same author who contributed the novels 'You're Dead But You Don't Know It Yet' and '1001 Things To Do With A Pet Demon'. The demon pet of his killed him, you know. (Pulls the book out from behind his cape)
Sarafan Lord: Wow, that's impressive! How did you do that?
Sebastian: I don't know; my cape is big and I can fit a lot of stuff in there. Okay, page 367, section B-69; here we go! 'So people are burning in the street and while it might be the popular Human Self Combustion Theory in all its glory, it could also be a dragon.' That would make sense.
Sarafan Lord: Yes, it would indeed. But why all the rioting?
Sebastian: Dragons like to cause rioting.
Sarafan Lord: And you know this how?
Sebastian: I have my sources.
Now armed with the knowledge that it's a dragon that is burning Meridian, the Sarafan Lord sends out his troops to deal with the matter as best as they can. Of course, they are only puny mortals who haven't even lived past the age of forty, so what are their odds against a ten thousand year old dragon that has awakened from the depths of.. (Insert evil name here) place. Either way, while the dragon is burning Meridian to its heart's content, this story will now zoom about a thousand years into the future of Nosgoth, to where Kain is ruling as a god over the destroyed land along with his six sons.
(Fast-forwarding noise)
It's a boring day for them as well, and why shouldn't it be? They've successfully conquered the humans, taken control of Nosgoth with a fist of iron, there are no more battles to be fought, but the Lieutenants are bored all the same. They've seen all the movies at Luigi's Cinema, gone on all the rides at Nosgoth Theme park until they barfed up twice, threw Melchiah's left arm up into a tree and watched him get it back down, raced the humans over at the Citadel (and easily cut them down and ate them) and there was simply nothing else to do.
That is until Raziel was walking along, the handsome vampire minding his own business when he stumbled across the Chronoplast. Stumble is not much of a word; he more along the lines of smacked head first into the doorway because he wasn't looking where he was going, too intent on looking at his reflection in the pocket mirror he always carried around with him.
Raziel: Ouch, this thing is in my way. I demand you move at once! (Waits for the massive building to get up and move away) Very well, have at you then! (Attacks the door and breaks his hand) OUCH!!!!!
For no reason, the other five Lieutenants suddenly come into the picture, looking slightly confused as to how they got there.
Rahab: How did we get here?
Zephon: Aliens, I tell you. Aliens!
Turel: Okay, you've been watching too many X-Files. (Looks at Raziel) Are you okay?
Raziel: No, I just broke my hand but otherwise I am fine. This building would not move out of the way for my beautiful face. (Kicks the door and screams as he broke the bone in there as well)
As Raziel was hopping along, holding his foot in one hand while kissing the other broken hand, Dumah walks up to the door and opens it easily and looks inside.
Dumah: It's very interesting in here. I see all these steps and stars in the ceiling, as well as a couple of portals and domahikies that seem to be very important.
Melchiah: Dumah, domahikies isn't even a word.
Dumah: It is in this fanfic!!! Hey, I found a note and it looks important! Notice how I'm the stupid guy who's always finding the important stuff in this fanfic? Notice people?
Zephon: (Grabs the note) Let me read it. 'To whomever finds this note, this is the Chronoplast, a machine which I invented and can send people into the past, present or future in a moment's notice. Please do not use without my expressed permission. Signed Moebius.' Whatever.
Suddenly the six Lieutenants looked at each other and smiled. They had a plan; a brilliant, dastardly, evil plan. Well, it wasn't really a plan. It was more of a spur-of-the-moment type thing, but either way the brothers acted on it. All of them rushed into the Chronoplast, which Moebius had forgotten to lock up when he went home last night, and began to fiddle around with the domahikies and whatchamacallits of this sophisticated piece of time-traveling equipment. Rahab and Turel, being the most intelligent of the brethren, set the coordinates to a time in the past and as the portal opened up, they all gleefully leapt through, not really caring where they went as long as there were candy bars and ice cream shops waiting for them at the other end.
At the exact same time Kain is sitting down in his throne, holding the Soul Reaver in one hand and contemplating his godhood. It's not as interesting as he thought it would be and he was just as bored as his sons, but Kain couldn't show it because he was, after all, a god and gods did not possess emotions of any sort. But for no apparent reason Kain suddenly got up and walked, no ran! to the Chronoplast chamber, saw it was open, and walked in. Then he saw that the time streaming device was activated.
Kain: Oh shit!
With those two famous words, the master vampire of Nosgoth leapt through the portal, not knowing where the hell he was going but sure to bring back his sons and then deprive them of their television and sweets for a whole month once this fiasco was all cleaned up.
* * * *
Back in Meridian, the Sarafan Lord had just received a slew of reports from his underlings and the television reporters showing how his army had fared against the dragon. The results are less than pleasant.
Sarafan Lord: So you're saying we have no more troops left?
Marcus: Afraid so, Milord. They all went out and became food for the dragon, who roasted them first in their armour and then smeared them in ketchup then ate them like that.
Faustus: Where the hell did you get that information?
Marcus: From my sources. (Suddenly a tiny mouse crawls out of a tiny mouse hole, runs across the room and climbs up on the vampire's shoulder, whispers a few words, then climbs back down to the ground and vanishes back through the tiny mouse hole)
Sebastian: What was that?
Marcus: My pet mouse, Mr. Whispers.
Sarafan Lord: --And what did he say?
Marcus: She, Milord. Mr. Whispers is a she.
Faustus: Then why the hell is it called a 'Mr.'?
Marcus: Well when I originally found the mouse I gave it the name Mr. Whispers because it's a whispering mouse all the way from the Canyons. Of course after Mr. Whispers got pregnant and had about ten little mouselings, which are going to school at the moment, I decided to change the name but then I thought against it because it might be too confusing. So anyway-
Sebastian: Marcus! WHAT. DID. THE. STUPID. MOUSE. SAY?
Marcus: She is not stupid. And she said that some weird beings have suddenly come into Meridian via the Chronoplast chamber that the Sarafan Lord had located underground.
Sarafan Lord: But that place was a secret!
Faustus: Not anymore!
Sarafan Lord: (Growls and twists the Soul Reaver in his hands) All right, here's what we're going to do. Meridian will close its gates and no one is allowed in or out of the city. Suspend all patrols looking for the vampire resistance and make them man the walls, close down the three-ringed circus, make sure all the animals are safe in the petting zoo and you three will go and check on these new people that have come out of the supposed secret Chronoplast chamber down on Atwater street, which is between Cannonball street and across from Dentist lane.
Sebastian: Why us?
Sarafan Lord: Because I pay you guys to protect me! Now get going!!!!
Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus: Yes sir!
The three quickly raced out of the Sarafan Fortress, but not before Faustus pointed out that the Sarafan Lord had forgotten to wear his pants when he got up that morning. After escaping unscathed from the arrows and rocks thrown at him, Faustus led the way down the burning streets of Meridian to the Chronoplast chamber, which was of course on Atwater street, between Cannonball street where cannonballs wiz through the air from 3 o'clock in the afternoon until suppertime, which is about 7 o'clock, and across from Dentist lane where those evil dentists pry out anybody's teeth if they have half a chance. The Meridian Firemen are trying to put out the blazes as best as they can but unfortunately they had a budget that year and were only able to afford one wooden bucket to scoop the water into and then throw it onto the flames. And once the bucket was burnt by a well-aimed blast from this unseen yet hostile dragon, the firemen decided to give up and go drinking instead.
Of course as the three renegade vampires came up to the time streaming chamber, the six Lieutenants piled out at that exact same moment, hooting with laughter.
Turel: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto!
Zephon: Oh please, that line is so old! Get something new.
Turel: No, make me! (The two proceed to fight in the burning street)
Dumah: Wow, this place is burning!
Rahab: Yes, it is. Someone should get the firemen out here and have them working on it. OH MY GOD!
Dumah: What?!
Rahab: (Points behind them into the chamber, where Kain has just come out from. He stands behind Raziel) Raz? Raz! Raziel, you might want to move!!!
Raziel: (Looking at himself in the mirror) Oh, I am one sexy bitch!
Raziel then sees his father's reflection in his mirror, turns around, makes something of a scream and then promptly faints dead away. Turel and Zephon, both holding onto each other's throats, look at Kain sheepishly while Rahab and Melchiah hide behind Dumah, who is the tallest out of all the brothers and therefore makes the best shield in the minds of self-preservation siblings. Kain raises the Soul Reaver over his head, about to scream out at his sons when he sees Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus standing off to the side, watching this weird scene unfold before them.
Kain: (Points a finger at the three traitor vampires) You!
Sebastian: Us?
Kain: (Choked whisper) You three - here?
Faustus: Something wrong with you, gramps?
Kain: I-I-impossible--
Marcus: That voice does sound familiar - but where have I heard it before?
Faustus: And why does he have the Soul Reaver as well?
Dumah: (Snorts) You vampires obviously know nothing. He's the master vampire and ruler of all Nosgoth, Emperor Kain.
Melchiah: (Peeping out from behind Dumah) And our dad too!
Turel: Yeah! How do you like them apples? (Everyone looks at him) What? What did I say - why are you guys looking at me like that? - You're all idiots!
Sebastian: Kain?! That's Kain?
Faustus: (Whistles) Wow, you've aged terribly Kain. And you have sons, too? Why do you have the greenish cast to your skin, and the veins bulging out of your head?
Kain: This is impossible! We've gone back in time! This is my past; this is Meridian before I destroyed it! (Looks around at the flames on the buildings) Well, I can see that it's destroying itself but all the same-
Marcus: No, it's not your handiwork. We just have a dragon that's been causing trouble and now that you seven have popped up here we'll need to take you into the proper authorities. So come with us!
Kain: I refuse! I'm an Emperor in the future.
Sebastian: Well you aren't now and this is the present for us and not the future for you but the past so you're coming with us either way to the jailhouse!
Rahab: Excuse me, but what you said made absolutely no sense.
Sebastian: Shut up, you stupid ingrate! It made perfect sense to me!
Kain: Don't you dare call my son an ingrate! He's smarter than you; he has glasses to prove it! (Kain walks up to Sebastian and the two begin to fight)
Dumah: Wait a minute. I'm confused. So what's happening at this moment?
Zephon: (Clears his throat and strikes a pose) Well we obviously have gone into the past, dad's past where he knows these vampires from when he was younger I suppose, and this city called Meridian in burning and we will have to -- HOLY SHIT!!!!
Melchiah: Zephon, what does a holy shit have to do with everything at this moment?
Zephon: No, look there!
All the vampires look to where Zephon is pointing, right down the middle of Cannonball Street.
Turel: Cannonballs flying through the air. Fascinating!
Zephon: No, down that street! (Points to a street called Mysterious Happenings)
Melchiah: No Zephon, we're not going down there and uncovering conspiracies from the X-Files, which doesn't exist in this world at all.
Zephon. NO!!!! Look, you idiots, look!!!
Raziel: (Just woken up from fainting) Oh my god, some vampire as beautiful as me!
Kain: (Screaming like a little girl as he looks) IT'S ME!!!
Indeed it is. Kain, the younger version anyway in the past for the older Kain but the present for the younger Kain, has just rounded a corner with Umah, Vorador and some other people from the Cabal following him. They have been kicked out of the Blue Lady Shop because they didn't pay their taxes on time but also because half of it was burning anyway and they couldn't put out the fire. Well, the younger Kain saw the older Kain, the older Kain saw the younger Kain and then everything began to make no sense.
Both Kain's: Is that I? (Both wave their hands in unison, then kick their legs out in the same way, and both cry the famous Vae Victus line)
Rahab: Holy cow, dad really has aged terribly!!!
Faustus: There, I'm glad someone agrees with me!
Marcus: All right, this is getting weird. If anyone wants me, I'm going to the main gates of Meridian to see what the dragon's up to.
All the Lieutenants: Dragon?!
Sebastian: Hello, what have we been saying for the past few minutes? Do you think that we set all these fires by ourselves for the fun of it?
Dumah: (Chuckling) Dunno, but I cause fires at home all the time. I once burned down half of the library to stop Rahab from-
Zephon: Shut up!
As Dumah and Zephon proceed to fight, the older Kain is now looking at Umah and Vorador.
Older Kain: This is a bad trip down memory lane. It really is.
Umah: Kain, is that you? You've aged terribly. (Looks between the younger version of Kain and the older version) You don't look half as sexy as you do right now, and if you already have the Soul Reaver, then you don't have to bother getting it back from the Sarafan Lord.
Younger Kain: Hey, give me back my sword you bastard! And I refuse to believe that I will look as ugly as that in the years to come. (Flings himself at the older Kain and the two start tussling for the possessed blade)
Vorador: I'm going to go off and make sure that the porno shop isn't burning down. If it is, then I'm going to save everything that I can and I don't have to pay for it. Then I'll find the tab list and burn that too if it already hasn't been consumed by the flames.
Vorador runs off as he always does when the situation becomes too much, taking with him the rest of the Cabal. Umah watches her sire flee, then looks at the two Kain's fighting for the Soul Reaver, sees Zephon and Dumah hitting each other over the head with trashcans; watches with some concern as the one called Raziel looks at himself in the mirror and utters nonsense, while Rahab, Melchiah and Turel are trying to stay away from the flames and Sebastian and Faustus are trying to hold back Marcus from running away. This obviously requires a woman's touch.
Umah: Everyone be quiet! (All the vampires stop doing what they were doing and look at her) Okay, now that we're all quiet we need to-
Melchiah: DRAGON!!!!!
All look up in the sky where the youngest vampire is pointing and see the massive dragon pass over them. As the older Kain looks up, the younger one took that moment to punch him in the face, grab the Soul Reaver and run down the street screaming that it was his, his alone and no one else's. The older Kain screams out in anger and chases after his younger self down a side street and vanishes. The dragon beat its wings and flew off into the distance; for all its size no one was really able to get a good view of it.
Raziel: So that's the dragon that's been causing all the burnings?
Rahab: I thought it was the popular Self Combustion Theory.
Zephon: Hey, our dads are gone.
Melchiah: Should we follow them?
Turel: Hell, no way! We can do whatever we want now because dad is busy chasing dad! (Looks over at Sebastian) Hey, do you have any ice cream parlours around here?
Sebastian: They were the first things to go when the dragon came.
Turel: (Anguished cry and collapses to his knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Melchiah: And what about chocolate bars? Hershey Kisses?
Marcus: Her-shey's Kisses? What are those?
Melchiah: (Collapses beside Turel) AHHHGGGGGGGG!!! We've entered hell; we're in hell!!!
Raziel: Oh please brothers, we'll be fine. Just as long as I have my pocket mirror to look at myself in, then everything is okay!
A sudden gust of wind comes and snatches the mirror out of Raziel's hand, causing it to shatter on the ground. He begins to sob as well, falling on his hands and knees and vainly tries to piece the mirror together, fails miserably and sobs some more.
Rahab: Well do you people at least have television here?
Faustus: Yes we do but the dragon took out the TV station almost immediately and the Sarafan Lord will be very displeased if he doesn't get back to watching his programs soon.
Rahab: No science network.
Faustus: (Shakes his head) No science network.
Rahab then curls up into a ball and begins muttering to himself while rocking back and forth.
Dumah: So what have you people been trying to do against this dragon?
Marcus: Kill it, of course!
Dumah: Take me to your leader and I will destroy this dragon! I am the greatest warrior from the future so with my powerful and superior knowledge this dragon doesn't stand a chance against me!
Zephon: No, don't do it Dumah! It's a conspiracy I tell you, a conspiracy!!!!!
Sebastian: (Whispers to Marcus) Is it just me or do all the vampires in the future act like idiots?
Marcus: Who cares? If this guy says he can get rid of the dragon, then let him and we won't get injured at all.
Sebastian: All right, we'll take you to our leader. Follow us, all six of you, and we'll see what we can get done in this short amount of time.
Umah: What about me?
Faustus: (Shrugs) Come if you want, but most likely you'll get thrown into a prison cell.
Umah: Wouldn't be the first time.
So the three traitor vampires' head back to the Sarafan Fortress with Umah and the six Lieutenants following them, with Dumah bragging all the way how he'll destroy the dragon with one punch from his meaty fist. And somewhere in the Slums of Meridian, both Kain's are fighting for the ownership of the Soul Reaver.
* * * *
* * * *
One day in the city of Meridian where our story begins, which wasn't a happy place if you were a vampire on the run from the law, people were walking along and merrily minding their own business. Harry the shoemaker was making shoes as he always did, the Goodwife Tina was gossiping about the Sarafan Lord to all of her friends, even if she knew nothing about him; Frank and Tony (the medieval mafia group) were making their rounds and getting their money from the people they 'protected' and even the city's drunk was outside of the Red Raven Pub, causing a scene as he always did which was quite natural since he was the town drunk and had held that position for the last twelve years.
Well, the Sarafan patrols were minding their own business, walking back and forth, back and forth down the boring streets and sometimes causing trouble for the hell of it because everything else was just so damn boring. Of course as we all know the merry peace and quiet in the city of Meridian was about to be broken because that's what's expected in this fanfiction here.
Two Glyph Guards (we'll give them the names of Seamus and Carl) were watching the main gates and trying not to fall asleep from the sheer boredom of it all when Carl looked up in the sky.
Carl: I do say my good friend, but that speck on the horizon is getting closer and closer.
Seamus: So?
Carl: Does that not concern you in the least?
Seamus: Not really.
Well, Carl had made Mistake no.1 in this fanfiction: Looking into the sky and seeing a mysterious flying object. So with some concern Carl watched the speck get closer and closer as Seamus tried to make a decent pot of coffee over a very weak fire. Suddenly there was a gout of flame, accompanied by a low swooping sound and a very big black shadow. Seamus looked up in the sky, saw nothing, shrugged and went back to making his coffee.
Seamus: Damn it, that mysterious wind that kicked up blew out the fire. Carl, I need your lighter.
Seamus wouldn't be able to get Carl's lighter anytime soon because Carl was dead.
Yes indeed, Carl the Glyph Knight was as dead as it was possibly could be. He was nothing more than a charred skeleton in his suit of armour, which looked perfectly clean and spotless for some reason considering he had gone up as a human torch, one of the first recorded cases of the supposed human combustion theory. Hell, there was even a small fire still around Carl's feet. Seamus didn't think much of this; in fact he thought that Carl's new lighter bought at the Glyph Energy Store had killed his friend and he was just glad he didn't have it in his hands. Taking a piece of wood nearby Seamus managed to set it blazing with the fire around Carl's feet and went back to making his coffee, which he took with about ten teaspoons of sugar and half a cup of goat's milk. No cow's milk mind you, because cow's milk was too expensive in this day and age in Meridian.
Seamus didn't know the thing he had unwillingly let into Meridian that morning, and all because he was making that coffee, which was very weak and gave him horrible cramps in his gut, but that's beside the point.
This large, black, massive, oppressive, ominous shadow crossed over the city of Meridian. It passed over Harry the shoemaker's shop, causing him to miss a nail and hammer his thumb with the large mallet in his other hand, sending him into a spree of swearing that rivaled those of cab drivers cut off in Meridian traffic. Goodwife Tina looked up at the large shadow and promptly fainted, something that was considered good by all the other goodwives because now she would just shut the hell up and that would be that. Frank and Tony gazed up at the thing that flew over them, becoming the second and third reported cases of the supposed human combustion theory that day. And even the city's drunk looked up and pissed his pants in sheer fright, but that was unremarkable because he did that all that time.
In the next few minutes, all hell broke loose. Fires suddenly erupted from nowhere, rioting began in earnest because everyone needs a good reason to riot sometime or another in their boring life, and the percentage of wedgies and wet willies soared into the thousands. The Sarafan Lord was outraged. How did this happen, and of all days on Tuesdays when he loved watching his soaps on the television? Something had to be done, and done quickly if he was to get back to his scheduled programs. So he summoned his officers for a top-secret meeting, which wasn't very secret to begin with because everyone in the Sarafan Fortress knew about it (Al's Catering Service was putting out the buffet for the supposed top secret meeting) and it wasn't exactly a meeting because the Sarafan Lord didn't ask the opinions of his officers, only screaming at them while waving the Soul Reaver around in an important way.
Sarafan Lord: What it this menace that had entered our city, making people self-combust, causing the rioting and making me miss my scheduled programs on television?
Marcus: We don't know, Milord.
Sebastian: (Leaning over to Marcus) Shut up, you idiot. You're only going to make it worse for us.
Faustus: Worse? How can it possible get any worse? I have some parts of the Smugglers' Den burning and I have to be here listening to the Sarafan Lord ranting and raving on!
Marcus: Oh shut up. No one cares if the Den burns. It's an ugly place and no one will care if it's gone!
Faustus: I will!
Marcus: You're vote doesn't count!
Faustus: Why not?
Marcus: Because! That's why.
Faustus: Okay, that's it! (Faustus flicks Marcus's ear; the bald vampire retaliates by kicking Faustus in the knee)
As the two are fighting and breaking apart the throne room as well as one of a kind items, Sebastian and the Sarafan Lord decide what this menace could be.
Sebastian: I have the answer. I'll just get the book 'Menaces That Appear From Nowhere' written by the same author who contributed the novels 'You're Dead But You Don't Know It Yet' and '1001 Things To Do With A Pet Demon'. The demon pet of his killed him, you know. (Pulls the book out from behind his cape)
Sarafan Lord: Wow, that's impressive! How did you do that?
Sebastian: I don't know; my cape is big and I can fit a lot of stuff in there. Okay, page 367, section B-69; here we go! 'So people are burning in the street and while it might be the popular Human Self Combustion Theory in all its glory, it could also be a dragon.' That would make sense.
Sarafan Lord: Yes, it would indeed. But why all the rioting?
Sebastian: Dragons like to cause rioting.
Sarafan Lord: And you know this how?
Sebastian: I have my sources.
Now armed with the knowledge that it's a dragon that is burning Meridian, the Sarafan Lord sends out his troops to deal with the matter as best as they can. Of course, they are only puny mortals who haven't even lived past the age of forty, so what are their odds against a ten thousand year old dragon that has awakened from the depths of.. (Insert evil name here) place. Either way, while the dragon is burning Meridian to its heart's content, this story will now zoom about a thousand years into the future of Nosgoth, to where Kain is ruling as a god over the destroyed land along with his six sons.
(Fast-forwarding noise)
It's a boring day for them as well, and why shouldn't it be? They've successfully conquered the humans, taken control of Nosgoth with a fist of iron, there are no more battles to be fought, but the Lieutenants are bored all the same. They've seen all the movies at Luigi's Cinema, gone on all the rides at Nosgoth Theme park until they barfed up twice, threw Melchiah's left arm up into a tree and watched him get it back down, raced the humans over at the Citadel (and easily cut them down and ate them) and there was simply nothing else to do.
That is until Raziel was walking along, the handsome vampire minding his own business when he stumbled across the Chronoplast. Stumble is not much of a word; he more along the lines of smacked head first into the doorway because he wasn't looking where he was going, too intent on looking at his reflection in the pocket mirror he always carried around with him.
Raziel: Ouch, this thing is in my way. I demand you move at once! (Waits for the massive building to get up and move away) Very well, have at you then! (Attacks the door and breaks his hand) OUCH!!!!!
For no reason, the other five Lieutenants suddenly come into the picture, looking slightly confused as to how they got there.
Rahab: How did we get here?
Zephon: Aliens, I tell you. Aliens!
Turel: Okay, you've been watching too many X-Files. (Looks at Raziel) Are you okay?
Raziel: No, I just broke my hand but otherwise I am fine. This building would not move out of the way for my beautiful face. (Kicks the door and screams as he broke the bone in there as well)
As Raziel was hopping along, holding his foot in one hand while kissing the other broken hand, Dumah walks up to the door and opens it easily and looks inside.
Dumah: It's very interesting in here. I see all these steps and stars in the ceiling, as well as a couple of portals and domahikies that seem to be very important.
Melchiah: Dumah, domahikies isn't even a word.
Dumah: It is in this fanfic!!! Hey, I found a note and it looks important! Notice how I'm the stupid guy who's always finding the important stuff in this fanfic? Notice people?
Zephon: (Grabs the note) Let me read it. 'To whomever finds this note, this is the Chronoplast, a machine which I invented and can send people into the past, present or future in a moment's notice. Please do not use without my expressed permission. Signed Moebius.' Whatever.
Suddenly the six Lieutenants looked at each other and smiled. They had a plan; a brilliant, dastardly, evil plan. Well, it wasn't really a plan. It was more of a spur-of-the-moment type thing, but either way the brothers acted on it. All of them rushed into the Chronoplast, which Moebius had forgotten to lock up when he went home last night, and began to fiddle around with the domahikies and whatchamacallits of this sophisticated piece of time-traveling equipment. Rahab and Turel, being the most intelligent of the brethren, set the coordinates to a time in the past and as the portal opened up, they all gleefully leapt through, not really caring where they went as long as there were candy bars and ice cream shops waiting for them at the other end.
At the exact same time Kain is sitting down in his throne, holding the Soul Reaver in one hand and contemplating his godhood. It's not as interesting as he thought it would be and he was just as bored as his sons, but Kain couldn't show it because he was, after all, a god and gods did not possess emotions of any sort. But for no apparent reason Kain suddenly got up and walked, no ran! to the Chronoplast chamber, saw it was open, and walked in. Then he saw that the time streaming device was activated.
Kain: Oh shit!
With those two famous words, the master vampire of Nosgoth leapt through the portal, not knowing where the hell he was going but sure to bring back his sons and then deprive them of their television and sweets for a whole month once this fiasco was all cleaned up.
* * * *
Back in Meridian, the Sarafan Lord had just received a slew of reports from his underlings and the television reporters showing how his army had fared against the dragon. The results are less than pleasant.
Sarafan Lord: So you're saying we have no more troops left?
Marcus: Afraid so, Milord. They all went out and became food for the dragon, who roasted them first in their armour and then smeared them in ketchup then ate them like that.
Faustus: Where the hell did you get that information?
Marcus: From my sources. (Suddenly a tiny mouse crawls out of a tiny mouse hole, runs across the room and climbs up on the vampire's shoulder, whispers a few words, then climbs back down to the ground and vanishes back through the tiny mouse hole)
Sebastian: What was that?
Marcus: My pet mouse, Mr. Whispers.
Sarafan Lord: --And what did he say?
Marcus: She, Milord. Mr. Whispers is a she.
Faustus: Then why the hell is it called a 'Mr.'?
Marcus: Well when I originally found the mouse I gave it the name Mr. Whispers because it's a whispering mouse all the way from the Canyons. Of course after Mr. Whispers got pregnant and had about ten little mouselings, which are going to school at the moment, I decided to change the name but then I thought against it because it might be too confusing. So anyway-
Sebastian: Marcus! WHAT. DID. THE. STUPID. MOUSE. SAY?
Marcus: She is not stupid. And she said that some weird beings have suddenly come into Meridian via the Chronoplast chamber that the Sarafan Lord had located underground.
Sarafan Lord: But that place was a secret!
Faustus: Not anymore!
Sarafan Lord: (Growls and twists the Soul Reaver in his hands) All right, here's what we're going to do. Meridian will close its gates and no one is allowed in or out of the city. Suspend all patrols looking for the vampire resistance and make them man the walls, close down the three-ringed circus, make sure all the animals are safe in the petting zoo and you three will go and check on these new people that have come out of the supposed secret Chronoplast chamber down on Atwater street, which is between Cannonball street and across from Dentist lane.
Sebastian: Why us?
Sarafan Lord: Because I pay you guys to protect me! Now get going!!!!
Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus: Yes sir!
The three quickly raced out of the Sarafan Fortress, but not before Faustus pointed out that the Sarafan Lord had forgotten to wear his pants when he got up that morning. After escaping unscathed from the arrows and rocks thrown at him, Faustus led the way down the burning streets of Meridian to the Chronoplast chamber, which was of course on Atwater street, between Cannonball street where cannonballs wiz through the air from 3 o'clock in the afternoon until suppertime, which is about 7 o'clock, and across from Dentist lane where those evil dentists pry out anybody's teeth if they have half a chance. The Meridian Firemen are trying to put out the blazes as best as they can but unfortunately they had a budget that year and were only able to afford one wooden bucket to scoop the water into and then throw it onto the flames. And once the bucket was burnt by a well-aimed blast from this unseen yet hostile dragon, the firemen decided to give up and go drinking instead.
Of course as the three renegade vampires came up to the time streaming chamber, the six Lieutenants piled out at that exact same moment, hooting with laughter.
Turel: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto!
Zephon: Oh please, that line is so old! Get something new.
Turel: No, make me! (The two proceed to fight in the burning street)
Dumah: Wow, this place is burning!
Rahab: Yes, it is. Someone should get the firemen out here and have them working on it. OH MY GOD!
Dumah: What?!
Rahab: (Points behind them into the chamber, where Kain has just come out from. He stands behind Raziel) Raz? Raz! Raziel, you might want to move!!!
Raziel: (Looking at himself in the mirror) Oh, I am one sexy bitch!
Raziel then sees his father's reflection in his mirror, turns around, makes something of a scream and then promptly faints dead away. Turel and Zephon, both holding onto each other's throats, look at Kain sheepishly while Rahab and Melchiah hide behind Dumah, who is the tallest out of all the brothers and therefore makes the best shield in the minds of self-preservation siblings. Kain raises the Soul Reaver over his head, about to scream out at his sons when he sees Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus standing off to the side, watching this weird scene unfold before them.
Kain: (Points a finger at the three traitor vampires) You!
Sebastian: Us?
Kain: (Choked whisper) You three - here?
Faustus: Something wrong with you, gramps?
Kain: I-I-impossible--
Marcus: That voice does sound familiar - but where have I heard it before?
Faustus: And why does he have the Soul Reaver as well?
Dumah: (Snorts) You vampires obviously know nothing. He's the master vampire and ruler of all Nosgoth, Emperor Kain.
Melchiah: (Peeping out from behind Dumah) And our dad too!
Turel: Yeah! How do you like them apples? (Everyone looks at him) What? What did I say - why are you guys looking at me like that? - You're all idiots!
Sebastian: Kain?! That's Kain?
Faustus: (Whistles) Wow, you've aged terribly Kain. And you have sons, too? Why do you have the greenish cast to your skin, and the veins bulging out of your head?
Kain: This is impossible! We've gone back in time! This is my past; this is Meridian before I destroyed it! (Looks around at the flames on the buildings) Well, I can see that it's destroying itself but all the same-
Marcus: No, it's not your handiwork. We just have a dragon that's been causing trouble and now that you seven have popped up here we'll need to take you into the proper authorities. So come with us!
Kain: I refuse! I'm an Emperor in the future.
Sebastian: Well you aren't now and this is the present for us and not the future for you but the past so you're coming with us either way to the jailhouse!
Rahab: Excuse me, but what you said made absolutely no sense.
Sebastian: Shut up, you stupid ingrate! It made perfect sense to me!
Kain: Don't you dare call my son an ingrate! He's smarter than you; he has glasses to prove it! (Kain walks up to Sebastian and the two begin to fight)
Dumah: Wait a minute. I'm confused. So what's happening at this moment?
Zephon: (Clears his throat and strikes a pose) Well we obviously have gone into the past, dad's past where he knows these vampires from when he was younger I suppose, and this city called Meridian in burning and we will have to -- HOLY SHIT!!!!
Melchiah: Zephon, what does a holy shit have to do with everything at this moment?
Zephon: No, look there!
All the vampires look to where Zephon is pointing, right down the middle of Cannonball Street.
Turel: Cannonballs flying through the air. Fascinating!
Zephon: No, down that street! (Points to a street called Mysterious Happenings)
Melchiah: No Zephon, we're not going down there and uncovering conspiracies from the X-Files, which doesn't exist in this world at all.
Zephon. NO!!!! Look, you idiots, look!!!
Raziel: (Just woken up from fainting) Oh my god, some vampire as beautiful as me!
Kain: (Screaming like a little girl as he looks) IT'S ME!!!
Indeed it is. Kain, the younger version anyway in the past for the older Kain but the present for the younger Kain, has just rounded a corner with Umah, Vorador and some other people from the Cabal following him. They have been kicked out of the Blue Lady Shop because they didn't pay their taxes on time but also because half of it was burning anyway and they couldn't put out the fire. Well, the younger Kain saw the older Kain, the older Kain saw the younger Kain and then everything began to make no sense.
Both Kain's: Is that I? (Both wave their hands in unison, then kick their legs out in the same way, and both cry the famous Vae Victus line)
Rahab: Holy cow, dad really has aged terribly!!!
Faustus: There, I'm glad someone agrees with me!
Marcus: All right, this is getting weird. If anyone wants me, I'm going to the main gates of Meridian to see what the dragon's up to.
All the Lieutenants: Dragon?!
Sebastian: Hello, what have we been saying for the past few minutes? Do you think that we set all these fires by ourselves for the fun of it?
Dumah: (Chuckling) Dunno, but I cause fires at home all the time. I once burned down half of the library to stop Rahab from-
Zephon: Shut up!
As Dumah and Zephon proceed to fight, the older Kain is now looking at Umah and Vorador.
Older Kain: This is a bad trip down memory lane. It really is.
Umah: Kain, is that you? You've aged terribly. (Looks between the younger version of Kain and the older version) You don't look half as sexy as you do right now, and if you already have the Soul Reaver, then you don't have to bother getting it back from the Sarafan Lord.
Younger Kain: Hey, give me back my sword you bastard! And I refuse to believe that I will look as ugly as that in the years to come. (Flings himself at the older Kain and the two start tussling for the possessed blade)
Vorador: I'm going to go off and make sure that the porno shop isn't burning down. If it is, then I'm going to save everything that I can and I don't have to pay for it. Then I'll find the tab list and burn that too if it already hasn't been consumed by the flames.
Vorador runs off as he always does when the situation becomes too much, taking with him the rest of the Cabal. Umah watches her sire flee, then looks at the two Kain's fighting for the Soul Reaver, sees Zephon and Dumah hitting each other over the head with trashcans; watches with some concern as the one called Raziel looks at himself in the mirror and utters nonsense, while Rahab, Melchiah and Turel are trying to stay away from the flames and Sebastian and Faustus are trying to hold back Marcus from running away. This obviously requires a woman's touch.
Umah: Everyone be quiet! (All the vampires stop doing what they were doing and look at her) Okay, now that we're all quiet we need to-
Melchiah: DRAGON!!!!!
All look up in the sky where the youngest vampire is pointing and see the massive dragon pass over them. As the older Kain looks up, the younger one took that moment to punch him in the face, grab the Soul Reaver and run down the street screaming that it was his, his alone and no one else's. The older Kain screams out in anger and chases after his younger self down a side street and vanishes. The dragon beat its wings and flew off into the distance; for all its size no one was really able to get a good view of it.
Raziel: So that's the dragon that's been causing all the burnings?
Rahab: I thought it was the popular Self Combustion Theory.
Zephon: Hey, our dads are gone.
Melchiah: Should we follow them?
Turel: Hell, no way! We can do whatever we want now because dad is busy chasing dad! (Looks over at Sebastian) Hey, do you have any ice cream parlours around here?
Sebastian: They were the first things to go when the dragon came.
Turel: (Anguished cry and collapses to his knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Melchiah: And what about chocolate bars? Hershey Kisses?
Marcus: Her-shey's Kisses? What are those?
Melchiah: (Collapses beside Turel) AHHHGGGGGGGG!!! We've entered hell; we're in hell!!!
Raziel: Oh please brothers, we'll be fine. Just as long as I have my pocket mirror to look at myself in, then everything is okay!
A sudden gust of wind comes and snatches the mirror out of Raziel's hand, causing it to shatter on the ground. He begins to sob as well, falling on his hands and knees and vainly tries to piece the mirror together, fails miserably and sobs some more.
Rahab: Well do you people at least have television here?
Faustus: Yes we do but the dragon took out the TV station almost immediately and the Sarafan Lord will be very displeased if he doesn't get back to watching his programs soon.
Rahab: No science network.
Faustus: (Shakes his head) No science network.
Rahab then curls up into a ball and begins muttering to himself while rocking back and forth.
Dumah: So what have you people been trying to do against this dragon?
Marcus: Kill it, of course!
Dumah: Take me to your leader and I will destroy this dragon! I am the greatest warrior from the future so with my powerful and superior knowledge this dragon doesn't stand a chance against me!
Zephon: No, don't do it Dumah! It's a conspiracy I tell you, a conspiracy!!!!!
Sebastian: (Whispers to Marcus) Is it just me or do all the vampires in the future act like idiots?
Marcus: Who cares? If this guy says he can get rid of the dragon, then let him and we won't get injured at all.
Sebastian: All right, we'll take you to our leader. Follow us, all six of you, and we'll see what we can get done in this short amount of time.
Umah: What about me?
Faustus: (Shrugs) Come if you want, but most likely you'll get thrown into a prison cell.
Umah: Wouldn't be the first time.
So the three traitor vampires' head back to the Sarafan Fortress with Umah and the six Lieutenants following them, with Dumah bragging all the way how he'll destroy the dragon with one punch from his meaty fist. And somewhere in the Slums of Meridian, both Kain's are fighting for the ownership of the Soul Reaver.
* * * *