kbrannan@neo.rr.com
The tall figure glanced down into the puddle at his feet. He saw his reflection staring back, his eyes empty. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his sweatshirt and his hood was pulled over his blond hair. Not that a hooded sweatshirt offered much protection from the rain, but it was better than nothing.
The others had offered... had wanted to come with him, but he refused. It was too much to deal with by himself, and he didn't want the others to see him like that. They always reminded him of the past and what they all - most of all him - had lost.
"Seiji?"
"What is it, Touma? I'm busy."
"I need to talk to you."
"Not now."
The figure closed his eyes and took one step forward, putting his foot into the puddle that he had been looking into. His reflection became distorted and then disappeared with the ripples.
"Seiji, where did Touma go?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"He had to talk to you about something. He said it was important..."
~Ripples in liquid are supposed to go on for ever,~ he thought. ~Even after they disappear. Why can't people be the same way?~
The reassurances at his memorial service - that he hadn't died and was still among everyone and they they could feel him always... they were all lies. He couldn't feel him anywhere. When he died, a large part of him died, too. There was no comfort.
"Seiji, when you're done, go look for Touma."
"What? He left?"
"He said he was going out, and when you were ready to talk to him you should
go find him."
"Hmph. So he's steamed at me."
"Seiji, it's getting late. Please look for him."
The figure walked forward, not really paying attention. It had been three years. And he was still in the same shape he had been the same night that it happened.
"There's been an accident."
"Sir, you may want to sit down..."
"He was wearing dark clothes, and the driver didn't see him until the last
second."
"He flew head first into a tree. The car hit him again after that because the
driver lost control."
"He's in bad shape."
Well, maybe not. He had attempted suicide more than once for several months after the fact. The other three had lent him support and convinced him to get help. Now he merely contemplated suicide. He failed to mention that, along with the fact that he no longer went to his therapist, to the others.
"How bad is he?"
"Seiji..."
"Tell me, Ryo."
He tilted his head back as he turned the corner, letting rain fall onto his face. Only one more block.
"He's in a coma."
What, exactly, would suicide bring? He didn't know. It could either reunite him with his friend... or seperate him even farther.
"They don't think he's going to make it."
Which is why he didn't attempt to kill himself anymore. There were no promises.
The figure stopped and stared at a tree. There was still slight scarring there from the accident, but it was still alive. It had been in worse shape right after the accident. The fire department had wanted to cut it down, but he wouldn't let them. He knew it would never completely heal, but he felt it needed to stay alive. He needed to save it.
"I'm so sorry, Seiji."
Since he had lost something else...
"Touma didn't make it through the night. He died early this morning.
He ignored the wet ground as he sat down in front of the tree. He was already soaked, so he didn't really care. Not that he would about something as trivial as that, anyway.
"What did you want to tell me, Touma? Why did you leave?"
Death was strange thing. Sometimes you expected it and could get emotionally ready for when it finally happened. Other times it was a complete surprise and left you with no sense of closure and a dead heart.
"How is he, Shin?"
"He's not dealing well, Ryo. He's repressing his emotions. He's either
pretending it didn't happen or pretending that he's recovered."
"He hasn't cried since it happened."
Wetness shone on his face, but it was impossible to tell whether it was tears or raindrops. Only he knew that.
"What the hell happened, Shuu?!"
"I don't know! I walked in and grabbed the knife from him, but he had already
slit one of his wrists..."
He twisted his wrist in discomfort. The scar was still there. He had lost a lot of blood, but they... his friends... had managed to get him to a hospital in time.
"Why did you do it, Seiji?"
"It's too much, Ryo. Touma's gone, and so am I. It's too painful for me to
stay."
Pathetic.
The word wasn't actually said, but he could tell what they were all thinking. What he had been thinking. Suicide was...
"A coward's way out."
"An escape from your pain."
He pulled something out of his pocket. The violets were slightly wilted and crushed from being stuffed into his sweatshirt, but the color stayed the same. They were a deep blue that reminded him of his hair.
"Touma didn't just leave you behind, Seiji. He left all of us behind."
And his eyes.
"If you had died, you would have left us behind, too."
And his armor.
"We don't want to lose you, too."
He placed the violets at the base of the tree, biting his lip. They had made him feel like he was being selfish. But they didn't understand. It was his life, and he had the authority to choose what he wanted to do with it. If he wanted to end it, he had every right to.
But he eventually decided not to do it. And it wasn't any of their "inspirational" little talks they had given him. It was Touma himself. Or rather... the absense of Touma.
Strange how the same thing that made him want to kill himself also made him decide not to kill himself.
"Touma was smart. He put so much effort and energy into everything. I never did."
He stood up and bowed his head in a silent prayer.
"I may not have the energy Touma did, but I'm not going to give up what I have."
He turned away. ~Someday I'll see you again, Touma. But by my hopes, it won't be soon.~
"Wait for me, Touma."
-end-