Iwaizumi Hajime doesn't remember the last time he cried. Sure, there was that time when Aoba Johsai lost to Karasuno, and all those times they lost to Shiratorizawa in the past. There were those times when Oikawa forced him to watch romantic tragedies that always made him cry in the end. But what's never happened was him wanting to curl up in a ball and die. He's never spent an entire day in bed, refusing to get up. And he's never cried so much that ninety-percent of his vision was blocked from the swelling.
What caused this was something terrible- Iwaizumi Hajime had lost what was worth everything to him.
He had lost his teammate.
He had lost his best friend.
Most importantly, he had lost his first love.
Oikawa Tooru was an annoying person. Childish, clingy, and completely intolerable. However, he was also beautiful. Determined, assertive, and gets up after a fall. To Iwaizumi, he was everything. The shock after losing his everything made him lose more than just that- he had now lost his mind.
Lost his mind with regret.
All the things that they could've done, all the things that they didn't do.
Oikawa's death was anticipated, he met the end of the road due to a terminal sickness. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it. If there was something out there that would've saved him, Iwaizumi would've done anything. Anything to save his love.
However, because of that, Iwaizumi regrets not doing more with Oikawa in the time he knew that he was going to die. However, by the time he found out, Oikawa was already immobile. If he had known when Oikawa was going to die when he met him, he wouldn't have refused all those times Oikawa asked him to go to the observatory with him. If he knew, Iwaizumi would have fulfilled his life by taking him to do something different every day.
However, Oikawa knowing he was going to die only led him to be more and more mentally unstable by the day. Trying to anticipate his end was painful to him, and unraveling him from the inside. Even Iwaizumi understood that. Of course he would.
They were childhood friends, and knew every single detail about each other. At least Iwaizumi knew everything about Oikawa. Oikawa wore his emotions on his sleeve, making it easy to guess what he was feeling at the moment. However, when Oikawa hid that emotion, Iwaizumi had no way to know what was wrong. This was painful for him.
That was when Oikawa had found out that he was terminal. He had stopped making any effort to survive, knowing that no matter what he did, he was going to reach the inevitable. Why try to postpone what you can't stop? But Iwaizumi couldn't take this. He took note on Oikawa's every move, and eventually caught on. He was neglecting his own health.
But when Iwaizumi found out why, it was a much more painful blow than what he figured out on his own. Oikawa sitting in the hospital, getting thinner and paler every visit was deteriorating not only Oikawa, but Iwaizumi as well.
The cheerful "Iwa-chan!" he got as a greeting got more and more forced by the day. From then, the only thing he could do was watch.
Trying to comfort Oikawa had only the opposite effect, so Iwaizumi could do literally nothing. When he confessed, Oikawa only smiled warily and told him that he returned his feelings, but they couldn't date, because he didn't want his "precious Iwa-chan" to date someone that was virtually dead. When Iwaizumi got angry and made Oikawa take back his words, he only broke down.
The only thing he could do was watch.
Those words broke Iwaizumi after his best friend's death.
Of course it wasn't true! There was so much he could've done! But he didn't do them.
He didn't do them in fear of making things worse than what they were, and he didn't do them knowing they wouldn't make a difference in the long run.
Oikawa Tooru was destined to die.
There was nothing Iwaizumi could do to change that. But he was denying that he could do anything to change his mental state. In the back of his mind, he knew that changing his mental state before death was very much possible. Allowing Oikawa to die happily was very much possible.
But Iwaizumi is denying that fact. He refuses to believe that there was anything he could've done.
And that's what's hurting him so much now.
Guilt riding on his shoulders, but not visible since he keeps hiding it away, it'll never be gone. Unless he accepts that he didn't do everything he could, the guilt will never be gone. He knew that.
But the fact that his best friend died miserably was just too much.
Oikawa...
However, Iwaizumi can't live this way forever.
He can't be in denial for the rest of his life.
All the pictures on the wall that reminded of Oikawa had been ripped off and now lay on the ground. He can't stand the emptiness around him.
Eventually, Iwaizumi caves in and puts them back. But each picture spoke to him.
The one where Oikawa got his "Best setter" award.
"Iwa-chan-! I did it! But I'm going to keep getting better from here."
The one where they were catching bugs when they were in primary school.
"Iwa-chan! Look at how big this stag beetle is!"
And the one that was just Oikawa's face while he was reading. Iwaizumi took it secretly one day while they were studying at the library they always went to, since it was a walking distance away from their houses. His eyelashes were laced with golden light, and his expression was relaxed.
Oikawa Tooru was annoyingly beautiful.
Looking at these pictures, Iwaizumi could hear Oikawa exclaiming, "Iwa-chan! It's going to be okay. It's okay!"
With this, he accepted it.
Iwaizumi accepted his guilt.
He accepted Oikawa's death.
And he's going to miss him every single day from now on.
Tooru, I love you. I'm sorry I didn't change anything.