Francesca
"I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way you do, maybe in the future…" his voice trailed off, trying not to make me feel as bad. Fucking liar. Don't lie to me, tell me you don't love me; tell me you never can.I thought as my tears fell silently and my breathing became rigid. "Please, Francesca, don't cry, I can tell you're crying," his voice pleaded softly, soothingly. That was one of the reasons I loved him, have loved him for some months now, his voice, his sweet soothing tone, the way just when I see his name, my spirits lift so high. How he makes me happy just when he says my name, except for now. "I'll talk to you later," my voice became weak, cracked, and I lost my breath even more as I heard him agree so quickly, telling me I need some time. Lie. You don't want to talk to me. That's okay, I still want to talk to you, I still love you. I still want you, even though you don't want me.
Once the phone clicked, indicating he was gone from me, just for now, but feeling like forever, I staggered to the bathroom, laid on the floor, my hair sprawled as I pressed my face to the marble tile. My parents weren't home, my sister and cousin were in her room, probably playing games and not concerned with me at the moment. I reached up, barely moving my body, and felt upon the sink counter for what I was looking for, my little blade in which I haven't used only to shave. "You're pretty," I whispered to the twinkling blade, begging me to put it to good use. Don't do this, you promised you wouldn't. You promised me, both of us, you told us you wouldn't, don't lie to us Francesca.I shook my favorite voices out of my head, the voice of my best friends, Marie and Olivia. I saw their faces flash in my head, Olivia's orange skin glowing, as well as her smile now that she'd gotten her braces off, so beautiful. Then Marie stood beside her, darker than Olivia, with her newfound braces just put on, also beautiful as well as she smiled.
"I love you," I whispered and smoothed the tip of the blade against my upper thigh. A thin red trickle of crimson fell from me, and the pain killed me, but not as much as his rejection. I continued until I looked like Tony the Tiger, earning my striped of crimson. Not deserving them, but earning them either way.
Get the fuck up. Stop crying, take the pain. Toughen up, cut just a little more. He led you on, he told you he loved you, he was lying wasn't he? You're not wrong doing this, keep on, keep doing it, you deserve that much, to feel relief, don't you? Look at the pretty color, your favorite color is red after all, embrace it."Stop, please," I begged myself, not wanting to do it, but feeling as though I had the right to do it.
The color took hold of me then and I sat in the small puddle of crimson, crying but only from relief, it felt so good to hurt, to be in control of one thing, whether I live or not. Good girl. You've done well, now, just wait.I did as told, and I heard my name, first in a questioning tone. Ah, big sister's come to save the day."Oh my god! Shawn, call the ambulance!" I heard her shriek as she took the blade from my hand, and lifted me up, the cuts stinging as she put a wet towel on each. "I'm sorry," I begged to her. She looked down at me and frowned, then I closed my eyes and decided I'd done enough for now. Just wait.
Marie
"What the hell is this? Why the fuck did we send you to a private school?!" He became furious, making me equally as angry. "I'm sorry, Daddy," I apologized, holding back my whole new dictionary of curse words I wanted to spew. "Don't fucking apologize to me." I'd made a 94 in Trigonometry, the subject I was failing before they sent me to a new private school, where the teachers are fake, the students are fake, the staff is fake, and the only thing real in the lunch, and that's pretty fake. I sat back in the dining chair, and I guess he thought his chastising wasn't good enough, so he laid it on me. That's right, a big slap across my left cheek, practically slapping the color straight off of my skin. My eyes grew and I looked around for the largest knife, though it was in the dishwasher.
"Get the fuck to your room, dammit," he ordered pointing to the hallway. I held my cheek, so desperately wanting to fight back, but didn't decide to, I was a woman after all, I may be strong but he could kill me if he wanted, and get away with it.
The pain surged through me, from my cheek, to my fingertips, to my feet. It killed me, and I burst into tears, thinking of how fucked up that was. "Shit, "I let out, holding my breath. "Fuck you, god dammit. Die you fucking bastard." My father beat me daily, thank god bruises didn't show up on my skin tone. I had marks along my back, but this was the first time he'd ever struck my face. The pain stung and I knew exactly what to help me get rid of it.
I climbed out of the window to my neighbor's, knowing he had exactly what I needed to kill pain. I hadn't done it in a while, but he welcomed me to whenever I needed it, telling me his was mine whenever I wanted it. I was grateful to be sexy, I got things that I wanted, and I needed this.
I tapped his window and crawled through as he smiled and said, "Long time no see, didn't think I'd ever get you back." I chuckled and said, "Best friends made me stop." You shouldn't be doing this Marie. You guys made a pact, you promised never again. Olivia and Francesca of all people deserve your word, no one but them. Give it to them.I thought, then the other side of me barged in, It's her choice, it makes her feel better. Makes us feel better. Go ahead, Marie, it feels good. Get that buzz, go crazy, get loony. Take your mind off the pain.He reached underneath his bed and got out a box and opened it in front of me. In it was two needles, with what I needed inside of them. "I couldn't help it," I silently apologized to both of them and shot the substance into my arm.
The buzz felt amazing, the sudden blood rush that went to my head was like heaven and I laid beside my gay drug dealer as he felt the same rush I did. After a while of smoking some dope, I didn't know what the hell was going on, or where I was. "Shit, I have to go home," I said, but the substance I injected went to my brain and the last thing I remember seeing is his face and feeling my body hit the ground. Just wait.
Olivia
My father's been dead for about 4 months now, and everyday, it's killed me inside, tearing at me so slowly, ripping my apart steadily, like a virgin being screwed by a Mandingo type guy. Some days I could go through it, I'd sit with my best friends, Marie and Francesca, and they'd know not to bring it up. Losing my father drove me to so many things, drugs, drinking, and sex, which I had stopped all with the help of Marie and Francesca and our pact. Then they found out about my love of pain, not hurting pain, but stimulating pain. The type of pain you get when you do sports, wrestle, box, or have sex. I used to call my ex, Jordan, and he'd be happy enough to hurt me the way I liked it, the way he knew it got my mind off of everything else. I only used to do that when my Thessalon Pearls weren't enough. We agreed that I wouldn't do anymore pain unless I could get my pearls.
My friends agreed on the Pearls, they said it was like Prozac, except homemade and easier to swallow. Today was one of those days, the days where I missed school just because I fell down into my dark pit of helplessness. I usually was never like this, I was strong, was strong. I'd run out of Pearls and the ingredients until I got paid again, and the worst idea popped into my head. Jordan. Do it, honey. It's just one time, you'll be okay, Jordan won't hurt you as bad this time, no marks will be left, just some sore spots, maybe unnoticeable bruises. Olivia, you want it, daddy wouldn't mind, he doesn't want you to be in painful pain. Stimulating pain, he doesn't mind. Go ahead. "Marie, Francesca, they don't want me to. I can't break a promise, not so soon, not to them of all people. I love them too much."
I decided to do it. Jordan rang the doorbell at a quarter to ten, smiling. "Thought you forgot about me, what happened, baby?" I shrugged, "I just need it tonight. No banging, just pain." He shrugged, wishing he could bang as he always did, but satisfied with what he could do. You're a bad girl, Olivia. That's what I like, you just don't give a shit do you? Get what you want, Honey. Get what you fucking deserve. I swallowed the voice in my head and turned around. Jordan stayed fully clothed while I stripped to my underwear. He moved in closer to me, not even kissing to show passion and began bringing me the pain I wanted, needed, craved for. His bites were heaven, the way his fang-like teeth tore into my skin, jerking it every way, the way his nails scraped themselves along my back and stomach, how he shoved me violently into a wall, knocking off a picture. The pain didn't hurt, it stimulated me, it made me feel wanted, stronger than what I was before I crashed from depression. I felt his nails leave marks along my orange skin. I could feel my whole body throbbing, knowing I'd be in pain for a couple of days.
"You're still the same screamer you were before," he taunted me. I felt horrible afterwards, but the pain felt too good. I felt like I was on ecstasy, felt so high, like I was flying above everything. Jordan left and I stayed unclothed and ran to the kitchen, guzzling a 24. oz bottle of Jack Daniels Kiwi-Lime. The alcohol took over me and as soon as it entered me, it left me. I puked all over the floor and collapsed. Just wait.