I Hate Needing You

A Note from The Master

You remember back on Gallifrey, how people never believed me about the drums? How people always told me: "Koschei, you've gone mad." Or to go to the doctor? Ironic how whenever I did have pain I would see the Doctor. But he was Theta then. He was my Thete. He always listened, he always cared, and he knew not to get in the way. He was smarter than you. You still are my Theta, you know. No matter how much you deny it, we still belong together. We know more about each other than anybody else, and now you're the only one left.

I can't imagine how it felt, being a god. Being able to make the choice to kill your family and friends. You're worse than me. I can admit that I'm a killer; I know I won't be forgiven, but I don't care, or want help. You always have to be perfect. You try to make up for it by saving those stunted apes time and time again. You act like you are the oh-so-holy Sainted Physician. The Healer. The one who always finds a way to save that damned Earth. What happens when you can't do it? They all turn on you, and you'll be hated worse than me. You always make sure people don't remember anything I've done. Guess what? I won't do the same for you, I wouldn't if I could. I need you to know that just because we belong, doesn't mean I love you.

I need you. It's as plain as that. You are nothing more than just another thing that I need to survive. I hate saying I need anyone, and you know it. Since you found out I was Yana, I could see in your eyes how you needed me as well. But for you it's always been more than a matter of need. For you there always is that need for feelings. You always have to be fuelled by love or hate. By desire. You could never just take something for the sake of taking it. And that's what disgusts me about you most of all.

I hate needing you. I hate the feeling in my stomach when I'm not with you. I hate how my feelings contradict each other. And above all of the things I hate, Doctor. I hate you. I hate your God-Complex. I hate how you feel that I can be cured. I hate how you love me. I hate how you always need to be in charge, even when you're around me. I'm the one who's in control. I am The Master. I hate how you think we're still children on Gallifrey. I hate how you destroyed my home. Our home.

I'm a lost case, Doctor. Understand that I don't want the drums to go away. I don't know what I'd be without the drums. Remember the last time I said that? How you said you wondered what you'd be without me? I've stayed up many nights in that Time Lock, thinking of that. I've finally come up with an answer. You. Would. Be. Nothing. Four simple words to coincide with the four beats I'm tortured with. I helped you become The Doctor. If it weren't for me, back on Gallifrey, you never would've passed through the Academy. I always let you cheat off of my work. You never could concentrate long enough to do your work. It's comforting to know that some things never change.

I can't believe I'm writing this to you. I never would've believed I would waste my time writing my time writing anything to you. I'm starting to not know who I am anymore, Theta. The drums have dulled to nothing, and I'm starting to lose myself. If they go away, I don't know what I'd be. I don't know who'd I become… And I don't like being unsure about important things like that.

I hate your love, Doctor. I hate it more than you can imagine. I hate how you cannot hate me, no matter how much I hate you.

But I need you. And, I hate needing you.