Disclaimer: I own neither Glee nor any part thereof. No money is being made off of this story and is intended only for entertainment purposes; therefore it falls within the parameters of "Fair Use"
A/N: This is just a brief one shot. For those that read my other story, I am still working on it. I'm just kinda stuck on it right now. This was a writing exercise to see if I could break through the block. Obviously that worked, so hopefully I'll be back to work on Santana soon.
UPDATED: My sister had an absolutely brilliant suggestion to add to the story. Once I heard it, I knew I had to add it, but I didn't really want to do a chapter 2, so I'm just updating. Also fixing a typo or two.
I was always going to give you up for adoption. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew there was no way I could or would keep you. At first, I was going to give you up for bad reasons: to maintain my popularity, my status, to keep hope alive about being prom queen, to not get stuck in Lima, Ohio for the rest of my life. Actually, now that I say it, those aren't just bad reasons, they're terrible, awful, selfish reasons, and I have no excuses for them. That's who I was.
Then you were born, and all those terrible reasons for putting you up for adoption were gone. For about five minutes after you were born, while I was holding you for the first time, I did a complete 180. I knew that you were a part of me and that I would never give you up for anything. In those few minutes, the thought of giving you up was as alien to me as the idea of giving someone my arms. You were God's precious gift to me and giving you up would be a horrible sin.
It was in those precious five minutes that I began to have big dreams for you, my beautiful baby girl. I envisioned giant Christmas trees, beautifully and garishly decorated, with presents piled high underneath. I saw snowball fights and snow angels, you laughing and happy. I saw you swimming in the summertime, jumping and splashing, a look of pure joy on your face. Then I saw the woman that you would grow up to be, beautiful and intelligent and strong and fiercely independent. I saw you graduating high school at the top of your class and going to any one of the best colleges in the world. From there I saw you doing amazing things like becoming the first woman President or curing cancer or becoming a beloved entertainer known the world over. Most importantly, I saw you being safe and healthy and loved, three things I expect most caring parents want for their children.
It was in this final and most basic dream for you that I knew I had to go against all my instincts… that I had to give you up. If I were to keep you, you would be loved. You would be so loved, but I wouldn't be able to keep you safe nor could I guarantee you would be healthy. I am a sixteen year old girl still in high school with no particular way of supporting you. When my parents, my horrible, judgmental, holier-than-thou parents, found out about my being pregnant with you, I was kicked out of my house and disowned by my father. For the last six months I have bounced from one friend's spare bedroom to the next, and while they have all been extraordinarily gracious, I have no right to further burden them. Now my mother, your grandmother, wants me to move back home having kicked my father out of the house. I have no idea how or even if that is going to work out and you deserve a better, more stable home life.
I went from wanting to give you up for selfish reasons to wanting to keep you for selfish reasons. If I had a good reason to keep you, one that wasn't only about me and my wants and desires, then that is the path I would take. Please understand that I want so very much to keep you, but what I want and what you need are at odds. So I'm left only with the option of giving you up because to my eternal shame, I cannot provide you with the safety and security that you need to grow up happy and healthy.
You should know, too, that your father loves you, too. I've never seen him love anyone or anything the way that he loves you. He wants to give you up even less than I do. He's asked me twice if I was sure I wanted to give you up. The first time I said yes, I meant it, for bad reasons. The second time I said yes was today and I was absolutely lying. I'm certain I'll have to lie to him at least once more before we sign the adoption papers. I'll have to lie and say I want to give you up, because if I let him know that there is even a little part of me that wants to keep you, he'll never let you go, and eventually my resolve on the issue will crumble, and we will keep you even though it's not what's best for you.
So I will lie to your father, Noah, so that we can give you to Shelby. Shelby can and will give you everything that you need… everything that you deserve. My only demand of her when she adopts you will be when the time comes that you ask where you come from, that she will show you this video. I hope that in watching this you will find the answers that you seek.
It's coming down to time to sign the papers so this will be the last time I get to hold you in my arms like this, and will likely be the last time I get to speak to you, so I have to wrap this up. I was right about one thing in those selfish five minutes. You are and always will be a part of me, baby girl. Though I may never know you, though I'll never be a part of your life, you will always be a part of mine. Letting you go will be the hardest thing I have ever done and probably the hardest thing I ever will do. This is the only decision I'm ever going to get to make as your mother and I know that it's the right decision, no matter how it may hurt. Please know always that I love you so, so much, angel.
One last thing I wanted to do before I let you go, sing to you. Your father and I are both in Glee Club; singing out our emotions is kind of what we do, so here we go. Oh, and when you're old enough to understand music history, think Dolly not Whitney.
If I should stay
Well I would only be in your way
And so I'll go, and yet I know
That I'll think of you each step of my way
And I will always love you
I will always love you
Bittersweet memories
That's all I have and all I'm taking with me
Good-bye, oh please don't cry
Cause we both know that I'm not what you need
But I will always love you
I will always love you
And I hope life will treat you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
Oh I do wish you joy and I wish you happiness
But above all of this, I wish you love
I love you, I will always love you
I, I will always, always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
Goodbye, sweetheart.