A/N: So I know I said I'd be limited in my postings for a while but I felt this story was finished and wanted to share it as a dedication to my grandparents that were killed years ago due to a drunk driver. July 5th is the anniversary of their passing and I felt this story was an appropriate dedication to them both. I never knew them for they died before I was born but a wise woman once told me that you never let the loss of someone make you put your life on hold - live your life not only for yourself but for them too. I am also living for two childhood friends of mine whom have been gone from this world for three years now, one from natural causes and the other because of a car accident involving winding roads and a spring rain.

"People keep asking me 'how are you feeling'? What are you feeling?" Gordon said as he sat along the fountain's edge. He returned to school, it was something Alan always suggested he do, jokingly or not. He held the hand of a nice girl he'd met in his marine biology class. "I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a nineteen year old who dies?"

Cheryl offered a soft squeeze to Gordon's hand. She looked upon Gordon's furrowed brow. She knew he was Jeff Tracy's son, one of his sons anyway. She sat here, in the cold winter's morning; lending an ear to Gordon. He looked troubled after being stopped in the hall by one of the guidance counselors. When he hesitated going into their shared class, she suggested they skip class in favor of talking. Gordon accepted her offer and they went to the campus café to get a coffee before Gordon led them outside to sit on the lip of the fountain's rim.

"Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too. But who cares? One moment his whole life, I care more about how he lived." Gordon exhaled a puff of warm air, the action condensing in the cold air before dispersing entirely. "And anyone who has a problem with that should remember that he was my brother."

"Tell me about him…I never got to meet him personally, not like I've met your other brothers." Cheryl said softly, before she offered a tighter squeeze to Gordon's hand. "Tell me about Alan."

Gordon took a few moments to reply. He bit on his lip and worked his jaw as if trying to decide exactly how to talk about his brother. Opening his mouth as if to speak before closing his mouth wordlessly. Changing his gaze to look from the gray clouds and lightly falling snow to his snow boots, Gordon finally spoke. "What is there to say about him? He is…was my little brother…I mean, we've been practically inseparable since I was a year and a half old. At least we were, until the accident."

"Tell me about your childhood with him, what it was like growing up with him." Cheryl suggested. She could tell Gordon was hurting, hadn't made peace with the unfortunate and untimely demise of his little brother. He wasn't okay and yet Cheryl didn't know quite how anyone could be okay, especially after an accident that damaging.

"Well, it's no secret that our mom died…you know…giving birth to him. Tabloids love rehashing old history and when my mom died, we'd see it in the tabloids a couple times every so often…pissed my dad off like you wouldn't believe." Gordon took a shaky breath. "My dad made sure to hide the tabloids he'd occasionally see in our mail advertising how our mom's death was foul play, how Alan was blamed…my dad was blamed for forcing my mom to birth him. He didn't want Alan doubting our love and he didn't want Alan to know how our mom died until he was older."

Gordon extracted his hand from Cheryl's to remove the lid from his coffee cup. He wanted to know how much coffee he had left. When he'd laid the lid on his knee, he took a healthy drink from the coffee. "Life with Alan wasn't always unicorns and rainbows you know? Having a little brother who was only a few months younger was tough for a while. Alan and I were home schooled together and because of my lack of drive to finish homework or various assignments, I got held back. When we were eventually sent to boarding school, our dad arranged it so that we'd share a dorm. It'd be easier to keep track of us both…then I dropped out for a while because I just got tired of doing school work. I guess our dad hoped Alan would keep me doing my homework, but he was just as much a slacker as I was. He was just smarter and didn't need to put much effort into his homework."

"You're smart too, you just don't realize it." Cheryl commented as she looked at the boy. Gordon was twenty going on twenty one. He'd taken his test and got his GED before enrolling at the local university. Gordon chuckled halfheartedly before shaking his head.

"Alan was a whole hell of a lot smarter than I could ever dream of being. He could do mathematical calculations in his head and have them written down before you could ever finish typing them into your calculator. Kid was a freaking genius…I guess that's why they let him advance in his studies so fast." Gordon murmured before he sniffed. "I miss him you know…I feel like a part of me died when he died. He was my best friend."

"It's okay to cry Gordon. He was your brother." Cheryl said as she glimpsed a stray tear fall and Gordon wiping it away quickly.

"I just don't understand why he had to die…it was an accident. You know, accidents shouldn't kill people." Gordon sniffed again. "I just don't understand, he died before his time."

"Tell me about it, tell me about him." Cheryl commented.

"It's my fault…if I'd listened to him and just pulled over the damn car we wouldn't have wrecked. He wouldn't have died and I wouldn't be living with this guilt." Gordon clenched his fist as he told Cheryl what led to his brother's demise.

"So tell me about it." Cheryl prompted again. She was trying to help Gordon but he kept dancing around her questions and suggestions like they were nothing. She knew he just didn't want to open old wounds…it'd been three months now since Alan passed away and Gordon had returned to class a short time later. He did however take a leave of absence when it was rumored that his brother's birthday had come upon them.

"What's to tell? His whole life was awesome and now that awesomeness has gone away." Gordon said as he became bitter. "Damn it I miss him."

"Let's walk Gordon." Cheryl said as she stood to lead Gordon. He begrudgingly stood to walk with her and when they'd begun walking, Gordon began spilling his guts about Alan.

"He was an awesome kid you know…the kind that kicks ass and takes names on a regular basis." Gordon said before he got a look in his eyes. "Our grandma got this crazy idea to enroll the both of us in dance class and we were both in tap and ballet until I was eight and Alan was six. We didn't want to hurt our grandmother's feelings so we stayed in dance until one day we'd just had enough. My feet were blistered from those damn point shoes and Alan couldn't stick to the routine our teacher taught us. After a disastrous recital, I told my grandma and dad I hated dance and wanted to do swim while Alan said he wanted to just sit at home and read."

"Was Alan allowed to do as he wished?" Cheryl inquired. She thought a Gordon and Alan in tap and ballet would have been cute to see.

"Hell no, our dad and grandma decreed we all had to be involved in at least one extracurricular activity and so Alan started to practice flute. He picked it up better than piano, though he could decently play the piano after watching Virgil practice enough times to learn the keys by heart and by ear. For Scott it was baseball, John it was chess and track, Virgil it was piano and football, me it was swim and for Alan it was flute for a while then he picked up on guitar and soccer before getting involved in basketball. It's no wonder the kid was so tall and skinny, he was always doing some sport with lots of running." Gordon smiled slightly at the memory before he continued. "Every morning he had to be at the gym at six am, rain or shine for basketball practice, then after a shower he'd go to band and practice the flute and shortly after he'd have his other core classes then after lunch he'd practice guitar. When school was over, he'd always have soccer practice then track immediately after before he'd return to our dorm to shower and do his homework then it'd be dinner and lights out. Kid stuck to a very strict schedule…I don't know how he managed to keep a 4.0 GPA or be the MVP for each sports team."

Cheryl was impressed. It wasn't often that somebody could do what Alan was said to be able to do.

"He sounds amazing." Cheryl whispered even as she gripped Gordon's hand tighter.

"He was amazing." Gordon said, his voice breaking in misery before he gave a big sniff. "I wish we'd never gone out that night."

"What happened Gordon? Tell me, please…I want to know." Cheryl asked in earnest. "Please let me in."

Gordon tossed his empty coffee cup in a trash bin as they walked past before reaching up to tug down his beanie over his ears.

"I was driving…we were coming back from an open house downtown. We were wanting to get an apartment together, you know? He was my best friend and it just felt right to share an apartment with my best friend. We had a green light and I went through the intersection…some guy driving wasn't paying attention. I don't know if he was texting and driving or just not paying attention, but he plowed right into the passenger side of the car. I don't even really remember what happened after that." Gordon said as tears gathered in his eyes. "I just remember this loud roar, shattering glass and Alan and I screaming."

Gordon's voice broke and he looked away with his bottom lip shaking before he continued.

"When I woke up, I was in the hospital. My dad was sitting by my bed crying and he never cries. I looked 'round for my brother and I didn't see him. I saw Scott and he was hugging grandma who was crying while Virgil was sitting in a ball on the floor, John sat beside him with his arms around his shoulders. Everyone was crying and I…" Gordon became incredibly choked up, he swallowed and gave a harsh sniff before he continued. "I asked where was Alan and nobody answered me."

Cheryl reached over and placed her hand on Gordon's shoulder. She gave a squeeze to reassure Gordon. They'd made it below a weeping willow and stopped. When Gordon raised his gaze, his eyes were flooded with tears and they shone bright in the dim morning sun.

"Gordon…" Cheryl whispered but was cut off by Gordon punching the trunk of the tree.

"I wish I'd never asked! Maybe if I hadn't asked, I could at least pretend he was still alive." Gordon growled before he blinked, causing the tears that had welled up in his eyes to fall. "Damn it!"

As the tears fell, Gordon felt the memory swallow him up and it hurt more than anything to remember it.

Gordon was laughing at something Alan had said, they'd just driven past an ice cream parlor and Alan started begging like a small child, he glanced out the window and didn't see any cars coming. Their light changed from red to green and Gordon began to drive forward. Alan started to say something and they'd been taken off guard by there being a bright light being unexpectedly shone into the interior of the car. Both Gordon and Alan looked to their right before Alan looked back at Gordon, they met gazes just before impact.

When he woke up in the hospital, he had an oxygen cannula running along beneath his nose. He had one IV in his hand with another piggybacking the main line. His head hurt and so did his face. He looked around his bed, in search of the one face he needed to know was alright. He saw his dad, he was alright except for the trail of tears that cascaded down his face. He saw Scott, he was crying – hiding his face in his grandmother's shoulders. Both Scott and grandma were embracing and they were both crying hard. Virgil and John were sitting on the floor, John had his arm over Virgil's shoulders. They both were crying – though Virgil was hiding his face behind a fortress of his arms. And among those listed members of his immediate family, he failed to see a bed for Alan or just Alan for that matter.

His heart skipped a beat before he reached out to tentatively bump his dad's arm. When his dad looked up, Gordon asked the one question he hoped would be the answer he needed to hear.

"Where's Alan?"

Those two words, so simply asked, so small but still so incredibly significant. If it wasn't for him already laying down, Gordon feared he'd have fallen hard by his dad's response.

"Not here…he's gone son." With trembling lips, Jeff admitted the horrible truth that Gordon was terrified of being true. He shook his head before he tried to climb from his bed in search of his brother. He needed to know he was alright!. He had to be somewhere, please anything but that!

"No!" Gordon frantically tried to climb from his bed but was stopped when his dad hugged him tight enough to restrain, though gentle enough not to hurt him.

"Your brother's gone…he's not coming." Jeff whispered.

The heart monitor started to beep erratically as Gordon's heart started to beat out of sync from it's natural rhythm. Jeff hugged Gordon, shushing him when he began whimpering Alan's name – hoping to calm his son. When Jeff managed to calm Gordon, he eased him back down. Gordon curled up in a ball, begging his family to leave him alone before he began to cry. He allowed the tears to fall only when he was alone.

It was only a week later that Gordon was released from the hospital – just in time for Alan's funeral. They met at the cemetery, everyone dressed in somber colors. Gordon stood with his family as they each laid a flower on top of Alan's casket. It was a closed viewing due to the extent of Alan's injuries. Their mutual friends made an appearance to pay their respects to Alan and during the final ceremonial farewell – Gordon felt like his heart had literally broken. The pain in his chest hurt worse than ever and he wished more than anything that he was lying in a casket beside his little brother.

Just before the casket was to be lowered to the ground, beside their mother and grandfather – Gordon stepped forward and leaned forward to embrace the casket, where Alan's head would be. Laying his head down, Gordon let his tears fall, heart rending sobs choke him of the breath that he wished would be taken from him this very moment.

The priest went quiet to give Gordon a few moments with his brother before he was to be laid to rest.

Gordon tried to imagine Alan standing beside him, a sad smile on his face but he didn't want imaginary…he wanted the real deal – he wanted Alan.

Cheryl held Gordon when he collapsed against the tree and started to cry with earnest. There wasn't much she could do to help him besides pull him close and hold him – he needed to let it out. For several long minutes Gordon cried hard against Cheryl's chest. It felt as though his heart were being ripped from his chest once more. Cheryl simply held him close and offered the solid comfort he desired in his grief.

When his tears dried, Gordon remained in Cheryl's arms. He didn't long to leave the warm comfort she offered and despite feeling the fool for crying in a woman's arms, he also felt considerably better. He felt like a weight lifted from his chest and he didn't feel quite so guilty anymore.

"It wasn't your fault that Alan passed away. You said it yourself that you had a green light. It was that other driver's fault that your brother is no longer with you here. But you can't let that prevent you from carrying on. You must continue living life as though you were living not only for yourself but for Alan also." Cheryl murmured softly. "You can't stop living simply because your brother isn't here with you to experience everything with you."

Gordon's eyes widened fractionally before slipping closed. He greatly appreciated all that Cheryl said and it made sense. He knew he must continue living, if not for him then he had to do it for Alan at the very least. And he knew he'd have to start somewhere.

"But where do I begin? Since Alan died, I don't think I can…I stopped talking to my family and…they wouldn't want anything to do with me, not after I caused Alan's death." Gordon started but was silenced by a finger lying against his lips. Meeting Cheryl's eyes he could almost see the determination and spark that lit the fire in Alan's eyes.

"Stop that…it was not your fault that Alan died so get rid of that thought! For starters I think you need to call your family and go visit them. Spring break will be soon, go see them and get reacquainted with them. You haven't seen them for a few months and I'm sure they'd love to hear from you again. Second, I think you need to finish school, you said Alan always wanted you to, so do it for him. Do all the things he'll never get to do…meet a nice girl and marry her, have children and live your life happily…do it in his memory and never forget your brother. He'll never truly be gone as long as you keep his memory alive."

"Where did you become so intuitive?" Gordon asked softly. He was amazed by her words and felt empowerment.

"Because, I'm doing it for someone myself…my older sister died of leukemia when I was thirteen and she never got to do a lot of the things I am doing now. I live on with her memory in my heart and I intend to keep her memory alive at all costs." Cheryl whispered as tears glistened in her own eyes. "Do it for Alan like I'm doing it for Emily. My sister has been gone for almost eight years and I will live with her in my heart until the day I take my final breath. And nothing is going to change that…nothing."

Gordon met Cheryl's eyes as his tears renewed. It hurt to admit to anyone that his brother was gone, but after hearing Cheryl's statement it reignited the fire in him that had been extinguished after Alan passed away. He knew he needed to live his life like Alan wanted him to. Alan always told him he'd do great things if he'd only put his mind to it. It was easy for Alan, he was smart and had a fire that had been born in him. For Gordon; he'd had to build the fire and coax it to change from smolder to flame. It wasn't easy and it'd be something Gordon would need to do continually, stoke the fires in his heart and breathe life back into it like Cheryl had just done for him. She gave him a reason to want to do better, a reason to take the next step in his life and to go back home and see his family. He'd been ignoring their calls and text messages long enough.

"Thank you Cheryl, you don't know how much our talk has meant to me." Gordon said as he pulled himself up from the ground and wiped away his tears. Offering a helping hand to Cheryl, Gordon eased her up from the ground that she knelt on. Once she was standing beside Gordon he gave her the gentlest of hugs as he whispered in her ear. "I'm sorry for your loss and I hope that one day you can find the man of your dreams and live for your sister more than you are now."

"And I hope the same for you Gordon…I hope you can get past your brother's passing and be all that he ever dreamed you'd be." Cheryl whispered to Gordon before pressing a chaste kiss on Gordon's cheek. When they pulled apart Gordon smiled the first true smile since his brother died three months ago. "Go, call your family and go see them. They've already lost one son, they don't need to lose another."

Nodding with a now tearful smile Gordon leaned in and kissed Cheryl's cheek before whispering a heartfelt thank you into her ear. As he pulled away he quickly dug into his pocket before grabbing his phone. Unlocking the screen, Gordon pulled up a window to enter Cheryl's number.

"Can we exchange phone numbers? I want to keep in touch with you and let you know how I'm doing from time to time." Gordon asked softly with a hopeful look on his face. He handed his phone to Cheryl when she reached her hand out for it.

"Sure." Cheryl said before she entered her phone number into Gordon's phone before sending herself a text. Once she handed the phone back to Gordon she dug her own phone from her pocket and showed Gordon the text she'd sent to her phone from Gordon's phone. "I have your contact info now."

"I guess I'll see you around then?" Gordon asked as he separated from Cheryl.

"Yeah…" Cheryl said as she nodded slowly with a reassuring smile. "Now go and never forget to always live with Alan in your heart."

"Thanks again Cheryl." Gordon said before he turned to walk away. As he walked, he felt his heart lift from the oppression he'd placed it under and the guilt over Alan's death dwindle just a little bit. He knew he'd always carry some guilt for Alan's death, but having talked to Cheryl and hearing what she had to say made dealing with Alan's passing just a little bit easier. Picking up his step just a little bit more, Gordon hurried from the campus to go call his family and plan a flight out to see them.