Welcome to my boredom-enduced game show! I hope you like because I was just bored one day and this is what you get!
Disclaimer: I do not own DNAngel, Final Fantasy 7 (or any others), A Little Snow Fairy Sugar, Fullmetal Alchemist, Yu-Gi-Oh GX, or Angel Tales. I guess I should say I don't own The Wizard of Oz either (since I mentioned it).
" Welcome to Cooking with Bishies!" Dark Mousy shouted grandly. Sugar (the little snow fairy,) buzzed around his head like a bee around honey. "I'm your host and this here little fruit fly is my co-host!" Sugar stopped buzzing and looked at the phantom thief.
"Hey hey, I'm not a host, I'm a Season Fairy!" Dark looked fondly at the fuming little pink haired fairy.
"No, no sweety. A host is the person who tells about the show!" He explained. Sugar brightened.
"Oh, well then Sugar's a host! Sugar's a host!" She giggled happily and resumed flying around his head. Dark reached up a hand and grabbed the little fairy by the back of her frilly white dress.
"Anyway, for tonight's chefs we have Cloud Strife, Edward Elric, and Johan Anderson!" Dark exclaimed and waved his arm at the stage. The curtains withdrew to reveal Ed, Cloud, and Johan waving at the audience. (Well, technically, only Johan was waving. Ed was blowing kisses and Cloud was glaring at people.)
"What recipe have you decided on?" Dark asked.
"Ooh, did you pick Waffos?" Sugar buzzed.
"We decided on Fried Coconut Shrimp with Curried Apricot Sauce," Cloud said.
"That sounds great! Just remember which shrimp you're cooking!" Dark said.
"Hey, who are you calling an ant you could kill with a magnifying glass? Hm? Why would you call me a short little brat who couldn't reach the counter, you purple haired thief?!" Ed screeched like a banshee. Johan jumped behind Cloud and looked up at the blonde.
"H-he scares me," he whined. Cloud rolled his eyes and walked up behind the alchemist.
"Edward," he said. Ed turned around just in time to be slapped in the face. "Get a grip on yourself!" Ed looked at Cloud then turned away.
"Let's just start cooking," Edward grumbled moodily.
"What do we do first?" Johan asked. Cloud reached into a cabinet and pulled out a thick book. He scanned it for a moment before answering.
"It says that we should first thaw, rinse, peel, and devein the shrimp," he said. Johan grabbed a knife and looked at Ed dangerously. Ed marched to the refrigerator and pulled out a bag of shrimp.
"These shrimp, you moron!" Johan lowered the knife and looked disappointed.
"Don't worry Johan, you can devein the frozen shrimp," Cloud reassured.
"Yay!" Johan shouted and grabbed the bag. He ran over to the sink and began a chopping frenzy. This time, it was Ed who hid behind Cloud.
"Why'd you tell him he could do that?" The small alchemist asked fearfully.
"As an afterthought, I have no clue," Cloud answered, panic edging his voice. Johan finished chopping and stood still for a moment.
"Oh no… he's going to kill us next! He already knocked off the poor already dead shrimp and now he's going to go after the handsome alchemist and the… the… what do you do?" Ed asked his human shield.
"I kill people and then deliver their bodies," Cloud said sarcastically.
"Gaa! I'm using a serial killer as a shield against a card playing dork!" Ed yelped, jumping back and landing on his back.
"Can I gut 'em?" Johan asked, pointing his knife at the twitching Edward.
"Na, I don't want to have to clean up the blood," Cloud shrugged.
"Let's just cook!" Ed shouted, hopping up and running behind the counter. "It says that we're supposed to make the curried apricot sauce next. We need to mix mayonnaise, apricot preserves and… curry powder…" he trailed off and the three of them examined the recipe closely. "Let's just skip that and make the shrimp!" Ed said, throwing the three ingredients into the fridge.
"I agree, so what does it say to do next?" Johan said, his voice muffled because his head was stuffed in the pantry.
"We're supposed to put oil in the bottom of the frying pan," Cloud called. Johan returned to the counter with a bottle of oil. He unscrewed the pan and poured the clear, yellow, syrupy liquid into the black pan. He turned on the stove and the purple flames licked up the pan.
"Now, we mix coconut, cornstarch, sugar, and salt. Hey Ed, in another bowl mix together the eggs," Cloud commanded with all the authority of the queen been.
"Hey Ed, catch!" Johan shouted, throwing the eggs at the busy alchemist.
"Eh?" He said as the eggs splattered on his face. Johan hopped over and pocked a finger on the blonde's forehead.
"I believe I want mine scrambled!" He laughed and then ran off as the eggs actually began to curl.
"Why you little…" he was stopped by Cloud's outstretched arm.
"I usually won't stop fights, but I hate to see one so unfair," he grumbled and set three eggs in Ed's hand.
"Yeah, we don't want bluenette to get on the walls," Edward sniffed. Cloud cocked an eyebrow.
"I wasn't talking about you…" Johan began to laugh as he stirred his bowl rapidly. Ed merely beat his eggs with a fury that was unknown to man.
"Slightly beaten Ed, slightly beaten," Cloud groaned as he saw the foamy concoction that looked like a bubble bath.
"Who gives a care!" Ed shouted as he slammed down the bowl. Johan walked over and placed the bowl down on the counter next to the egg bowl.
"Well, at least I'm not the one eating them!" Johan said happily, he turned to look at Ed (who was seething) and then looked back into his bowl. "Let's just batter the shrimp. We've got the dip them in the egg and then put them in this coconut mixture. Then, we have to pat the shrimp down…" he looked at Ed and bit his tongue.
"I've got a better idea," Cloud said, dropping the (still frozen) shrimp in the eggs all at the same time. He shook the bowl and then poured the shrimp into the coconut mixture.
"Hey, Johan, get me out a cutting board and a big platter!" Cloud shouted, picking up the coconut bowl. Johan got he items and placed them on the counter.
"What do you need those for?" Ed asked. Cloud didn't answer, merely poured the shrimp onto the cutting board. He picked up the platter and raised it above his head.
"I'd stand back just in case it breaks," Cloud said as he slammed the platter down onto the unsuspecting shrimp. Johan, who wasn't expecting that, jumped up into Ed's arms. Ed, in turn, struggled under the weight.
"Why'd you do that for?" Ed asked, still straining under the European bulk.
"I didn't feel like 'patting' them on the back," Cloud grunted as he placed the platter on the counter and plopped the shrimp onto it. He the picked up the plate and cracked that over the shrimp's backside. Johan jumped at the sound.
"Great, now you broke the plate," Ed said, rolling his eyes. Cloud tossed the broken remains over his shoulders and looked at the short, blonde alchemist holding the tall, blue haired duelist. Ed looked at Johan and realized he was holding him. He dropped him the bluenette blob.
"Get off me! You stupid hick!"
"I'm not hick! Just European!" Johan shouted. Cloud interrupted with a grunt.
"Okay, next, put the shrimp in the pan." At this, Johan could no longer resist his size puns and turned to stare at Ed. He walked over to Ed, picked him up by the waist and proceeded to put him in the frying pan full of boiling grease.
"You stupid hick! Not this shrimp- I mean, I'm not a shrimp, I'm just short- I mean… the frozen shrimp dang it!"
"I'm not hick! For the hundredth time I'm European!"
"Well so am I, but you don't hear me talking I popped out of Texas!" Johan reached over and grabbed the first thing that he came in contact with (a giant fish) and began to beat up the alchemist.
"Oh, is that the best you can do?" Ed inquired from under the beating of the salmon. He reached up and grabbed a fish. He clapped his hands and transmuted it into a swordfish.
"Ha-ha!" Ed cackled and began to run around the studio kitchen, chasing Johan.
"Hey! That's not fair!" Johan cried, still running around.
"All's fair in fish and war!" Ed cackled maniacally.
"CLOOOOOUUUUUUUD!" Johan shouted. "HELP MEEE!"
"And why should I do that?" Cloud asked, eyebrow cocked. Just as he said that, Ed aimed a stab and Johan, missed, and snipped of the end of one of Cloud's spikes.
"Gasp!" Said the audience. Johan stopped dead and Ed was still obliviously laughing maniacally.
"Why, little blonde alchemist, did you do that?" Cloud asked dangerously. Out in the audience you could hear the frantic call of Al.
"Don't kill my brother, Mr. Strife! Please! He's just a tad spazzy!" Cloud turned to glare at the tin boy.
"A tad?" He asked. Out of nowhere, Cloud pulled out a huge sword and jumped on the oblivious FullMetal Alchemist.
"Ahh! Help me! I'm being attacked by a delivery boy!" Ed shouted from under Cloud.
"What'd you call me?" He asked, an anime vein popping up on his forehead. Johan inched away slowly and hid behind the counter.
"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!" He whined. All that could be seen of him was his blue hair, but then he reached up a hand, grabbed the bowl of shrimp, and poured it into the cooking pan.
The oil had been getting hotter all the while, and the shrimp was still frozen. Frozen shrimp and hot grease don't make a good combination. A crackling sound like fireworks made the two feuding blondes stop and look at the counter. Johan was running around in a circle with his hair on fire.
"HELP! The frying pan is possessed! I put the shrimp in and it exploded!" He shouted. Cloud quickly ran over and frantically began to rummage around on the back counter for something.
"I know!" Ed shouted. He grabbed a cup and just as he was beginning to throw it on the flames, Cloud turned around.
"NO! FLOUR!" But it was too late. The liquid hit the fire and an explosion followed.
-We're sorry, but the station has to pause for technical difficulties and wait for the author to put her hair out-
-Now back to you're regularly planned fi- er… show-
"That was my wine, you idiot!" Cloud growled at the shocked Edward. He held only the handle of the wineglass and his face was black. His golden eyes were opened wide with shock. Johan looked out at the audience. He looked like he had been dunked in an inkwell. He gave a little cough and sent up a cloud of ash. Cloud was covered in ash only on his front. Suddenly, a little girl with green pigtails walked onto the stage and behind the stove. All you could see of her was two ginormous pigtails. Johan, Cloud, and Ed looked down at her, question marks hovering by their heads.
"Would the owner of the green-haired girl please move her out of the way?" An announcer asked.
"I want speghetto!" She said and raised a paw-like hand, hitting a red button.
"NO!" Johan shouted and moved the little girl. He held her high just as a fire shot out of the stove towards his midsection. The huge flame died and Johan sweatdropped. The little girl jumped out of his hands and turned around.
"Mr., your shirt's torn," she said, pointing at his stomach. He walked out from behind the counter and looked down. Where the fire had been, it had burned his shirt off and left his stomach burnt.
"No one said this would be a fanservice!" A rabid fangirl screeched from the audience. Johan sighed.
"Lulu, you've been a very bad frog! Get over here!" A man shouted from behind the curtain. Lulu hopped off behind the curtains. Johan followed to get a change of shirt, but ran out and zipped across to the other side.
"But Johan! We only wanted autographs!" Two women shouted. One had purple pigtails that looked like rabbit ears and the other had bright blue hair that was clipped up so that she look a lot like a parakeet.
"Come on, Mika… Tsubasa. Leave the poor man alone," the man said, grabbing the collars of their shirts and dragging them behind the curtains.
"What's with the Guardian Angels?" Cloud asked Ed. Ed shrugged.
"At least you knew who they were. I didn't even know that," he admitted. Johan popped back out of the other curtain and walked back onstage with a new shirt on.
"Are you ready to start cooking yet?" Cloud asked, waving a corn spoon at him.
"Yup!" He said. "What's with the corn spoon?"
"This," he said, smacking Johan in the head with it and then throwing it into the sink.
"Owwww!" The bluenette whined.
"Oh, stop your bellyaching and get cooking!" Ed said from his spot in front of the stove. He was stirring a pot.
"What's in the pot?" Johan asked, sticking his head over the pot.
"Well, we gave up on the other recipe, so we decided on Jumbalaya!" Ed said.
"Ohhh… that sounds like fun!" He exclaimed, looking at the lumpy red contents.
"Yeah, oodles," Cloud grumbled sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
And so, the trio ran around the small kitchen, chopping and stirring and chopping and stirring. Then, it was just stirring and stirring and stirring. Suddenly, Johan smelt something fishy.
"What smells like fish?" He asked.
"That's the modern pink marvel of the seas… it's called shrimp," Ed said.
"Yeah, but why isn't the Jumbalaya boiling?" He asked. He grabbed a spoon and tasted the red soup.
"Yuck! It's cold!" He said, gagging. Cloud and Ed looked into the pot, grabbed a spoon, and tasted it for themselves.
"Ewww!" The two said simultaneously. They looked at the pot and stirred it frantically.
"It's been cooking for an hour! How could it not be hot?" Cloud screeched psychotically.
"I have no clue, but something's probably wrong with the pot!" Johan mused. The three bishies began to search frantically for the reason that their dear soup wasn't boiling.
"What is it?" Ed yelled from his searching spot on the back counter.
"I have no idea!" Cloud said from his spot. He was looking under the island in the cabinets. Suddenly, a little girl with blue pigtails, a pink jacket and yellow ribbon around her neck ran onstage.
"Nana! Get off the stage!" The same brown haired man called from the audience.
"Wait Master Goro, I know what's wrong!" Nana said from the stage.
"Oh yeah, sure… a little girl with pigtails is going to be able to figure out what's wrong when three older men couldn't!" Ed said spastically. Said little girl with pigtails began to sniff around like a dog. She walked over to the stove, sniffing the whole time.
"Aha!" She barked. She turned a knob and a purple flame sprouted from the stove.
"Oh, well that explains a lot…"