A/N: Upon learning of Alan Rickman's death, I decided to write this one-shot. He played Snape so brilliantly...so perfectly. And I know he will be missed by so many!
Synopsis: A short one-shot in the Growing Up universe. After her father Sirius's death, Sarah is left with so many questions. Snape attempts to walk his adopted daughter through her grief. Takes place in the beginning of the Of Darkness and Light story.
Of Darkness and Light: Questions
Her grief was raw. It was all encompassing. It consumed her thoughts day and night, plaguing her. And though she was no stranger to grief, she still felt ill-equipped to handle her rampant thoughts and emotions.
When her mother died, the shock and her immaturity had carried her through the first several months of grief. And all the while, school was in session and she was busy with her friends, her school work, defying Snape and the mystery of the Philosopher's Stone. And then…the confrontation that dark night with Quirrell and him using the cruciatus on her; the result left her so wounded that her grief dulled, superseded by the implications of the trauma inflicted that night.
But with her Dad's death…witnessing Bella cast the killing curse, watching Sirius fall through the curtain at the ministry…that scene and the ones that followed that night, replayed in her head over and over again until she thought she could bear it no longer. School was out and she had the whole summer in front of her. There was time to process and time to question. With her Dad's death, she had so many questions…she needed so many answers.
"Sarah," Snape's voice summoned her out of her thoughts, "May I come in?"
"Yes, sir," she looked up at him. He was standing at the door, a look on his face that she couldn't read. His expression was solemn and it caused her worry that she was in trouble yet again. She had really been on her best behavior since that night at the ministry. Still, Snape's expression indicated that something wasn't quite right.
"Am I in trouble?" she asked, wearily.
"Not today, I don't think," Snape said, dryly.
"Good," Sarah said, with a hint of relief. "But…you look serious."
"I am always serious," Snape drawled.
"Of course," Sarah frowned, "But you look extra serious tonight."
"Yes, well," He walked over to sit down on her bed. "I wanted to ask you a question."
"Okay," Sarah said, slowly.
"Are you still feeling guilty about your father's death?" he asked, getting straight to it, "because I had thought I cleared that up for you, but now I am not so sure."
She shrugged, "Of course I still feel guilty. But it's more than that."
"Tell me," he said, simply.
She struggled, tears springing to her eyes and Snape put a hand on her back, patting it once.
"Go on, Sarah. Tell me what is plaguing you so. I have watched you wrestle with this for the past few days. Allow me in now."
She cleared her throat, "I was just wondering…" her voice trailed off, not sure how to express herself.
"Yes?" Snape prompted, waving his hand for her to proceed.
"Do you think it hurt for Dad?" her voice caught, "I mean…in that moment she cast the killing curse…did it hurt?"
Severus was contemplative, mulling over her question, giving it proper consideration. He finally responded, "No, Sarah Grace, I think not."
"And," Sarah's voice was hoarse, "for mum?"
There was a long pause.
"Uncle Sev?" she asked, her face pale.
"Your father's death was instantaneous, but," Snape's voice was low, "I will not lie to you…Grace's pain was significant in the end."
"Were you with her?" she asked, "when she died?"
"I can't believe you never asked me this," Snape murmured, "but no, I was not. Lupin was."
"Do you think she knew he was there?"
"Yes," Snape's voice was pained, "I think so."
"Do you think it helped?" her throat was dry, "Having him there?"
Snape nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment.
"Do you wish you were there?" she asked, hoarsely. "Have you ever thought of that?"
"Yes," Snape affirmed, seriously, "I think of it often."
She fell quiet, letting his words sink in, "Is it wrong that I am glad I wasn't there…for that moment?"
"Of course not, you were but a child," Severus responded, "I would not have permitted you to be present in that moment anyway."
"Still, I wish I could have…spent more time with her…said goodbye."
"I know you do," Severus said, "and I regret that we all kept it from you. We were wrong. Horribly wrong there. I'm afraid it is a choice that will remain with you…and with me for years to come." He was still for a moment, before adding, "I am sorry, Sarah."
She nodded, grateful for his understanding of how she still struggled with that deception to this day and will probably always regret and somewhat resent the fact that she was not told of her mother's illness.
She frowned, twisting her hands. She was silent for another few minutes, thinking over what Snape said before blurting out, "What do you think happens when you die?"
Snape titled his head, "I'm not sure…" he paused. He honestly was unsure how to answer. He knew the different theories, but he was not certain of where he stood. He knew what Dumbledore thought…and then what the Dark Lord thought. As for him, he was still undecided.
"Do you think they are somewhere peaceful?" she prompted, quietly.
"Whom?"
"Dad and Mum, Lily and James…do you think they are together?"
He let out a breath, "I'd like to think that, Sarah Grace, but I don't know for sure."
"Is it something we think to make us feel better?" her forehead creased in worry.
"Even so, it doesn't mean it's not true," Snape said, gently. "The traditions do speak to it. I want to believe it."
"Why is Voldemort still obsessed with defeating death? And doesn't that make us on the same side?"
"On the same side?" Snape questioned, confused. "What do you mean?"
"Because on James & Lily's grave, it says the last enemy that shall be destroyed is death."
"Oh," Snape frowned, contemplatively. He sat there for a few moments, before questioning further, "Are you referring to the fact that he named his followers death eaters?"
"Yeah, but then he orders them to kill people. I don't get it," Sarah said, shaking her head, wearily.
"I think he more sees that as a way to solidify his power over all things," Snape reasoned. "But trying to understand his mind is a nearly impossible task."
She frowned, "So, it's because he wants the power of defying death?"
"In a sense," Snape nodded.
"So, what about James and Lily's grave? If they believed they would be at a peaceful, better place, why would death be such an enemy?"
Snape opened his mouth, then closed it again, "Can you think of a reason?" he asked, turning the question back on her.
Sarah sat for a few minutes, twisting her hands, thinking. She bit her lip and then finally responded, "It pulls you apart from the people you love. Creates separation. I think it is the separation which makes death such an enemy."
"Very good," He reached out to touch her face, lightly, "These are such deep thoughts for a little girl."
"I'm not so little anymore," Sarah said, quietly, "And to be honest, even though I am a Gryffindor, I think about facing my death and I am scared."
"Understandable," Snape said, his voice low, "perhaps it is the unknown the scares you as it does I," his hand stroked her hair, smoothing it down, before tucking it behind her ear.
"Dad?" her look was torturous. She thought about how close she came that night in the ministry to death…and separating from Snape…that thought scared her.
"What is it?" his eyes searched hers.
"He said he was going to kill me," Sarah's voice broke. "Did you know? That night…when I refused to join him, he was about to cast the curse but Dumbledore arrived and protected me. Otherwise, I would be dead…and in that moment, I was brave, Dad. I was really brave. But when I look back at it…when I think of that night and I think of it happening again, I'm so scared…really, really scared."
Snape's arm was immediately around her shoulders pulling her into him, "No wonder you have been unsettled." And he was unsettled as well by the thought of her being so close to her death. He paused and then said, resolutely, "I'm going to the Dark Lord and intervening on your behalf."
"But won't that compromise your role as a spy?" Sarah asked, worried. "You can't do that."
"That is for me to worry about, not you," He said, adamantly, "I promised your mother I would protect you. I made a vow to her. He'll honor my commitment. It doesn't completely ensure your safety, but I do believe it will help."
She let out her breath, "Is that selfish?"
"Entirely," Snape retorted, "but of me, not of you. My world would end without you here, Sarah Grace. And I can't bear to lose you."
She buried her head in him and began to sob…deep, wracking sobs.
"Get it out," Snape murmured. He comforted her, his heart tearing in two seeing her this way. It reminded him of when Lily died…and then Grace. It was too much for a child of such a tender age to bear. But he knew in his heart that she would have to bear so much more as the years passed. And though never prone to displaying his emotions, he felt his eyes fill up with tears. The love he now felt for this child was so deep, so unexpected, but so powerful. Dumbledore was right on that accord. And above all, he wanted to protect her from all this hurt.
"If," Sarah took a breath, "If we know he will kill me…or if I die just later like mum did…will you be there? I can face anything, if you are with me, Dad. I know that."
He pulled her away for him, "Yes," he said. "I will be here for you."
And with that he pulled her close to him again, his hand on her head, clasping her to him.
"Always."