I'm Still Here

Well, here we go. First time writing a songfic for Kingdom Hearts. Specifically the Organization. This came to me in a fit of genius (har har) and I just had to write it. I fell in love with this song recently, so there you have it. I debated about who's point of view to write it from, but I finally decided on Axel. Why? I haven't written anything from him. Implied XigAx and AkuRoku. Yay, sneaking in a weird pairing!

Without further ado, please enjoy.

- -

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard

"What are we, then? How can we not be, but be here?"

"That's the way it is, lil' dude. We can't do much about it."

"But…"

"Look, don't question, just do what you do best, kid. Fight, don't think. Thinkin' won't help you much anyway."

The young number VIII frowned softly, pulling his legs up to his bare chest, pants still half-off from Xigbar's teasing. "I just don't get it. We're here, we're feeling, we have to exist…"

The older man let out a sigh and ran a hand through loose black-gray hair. "Kid," He started softly, reaching out to ruffle the bold red hair, still gelled up. "I've thought long and hard on it, believe me, but there's no answer. We don't have hearts, we don't exist. We're Nobody."

Axel looked up, green eyes meeting single gold. "So that's it then?"

Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say?
Xigbar smiled softly, a strange look on ragged, scarred features. "That's it." He repeated, reaching out and tugging the younger man into a rough embrace. "We aren't anything, yet we are. We can't feel, but this is real, but it isn't, y'know."

"It's so crazy…" Axel sighed into Xigbar's chest, tracing an x-shaped scar over his collarbone with a stray finger. "But when we get our hearts back…?"

It wasn't meant to be a question, it wasn't meant to be answered, they both knew that, but Xigbar went ahead and answered anyway. "When we get our hearts back, dude, all this will be real. All of it."

"All of it…"

I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be
"For now we just have to listen to Xemnas… He knows best, after all." Xigbar shook his head slightly, trailing his fingers up and down Axel's prominent spine. "You're skinny, dude."

Axel made a face into Xigbar's shoulder, despite being taller than the man he still felt dwarfed in bed. Perhaps that had something to do with the other's powers over space. "Shut up." But the moment was over, he was still interested in his existance. No one had bothered to explain, Xigbar had taken him under his wing not long after meeting him. Apparently Xigbar had something for the younger Organization members, for Zexion was a frequent to the man's bed as well. It wasn't 'love'. It was affection, caring, a deep friendship, but 'love' was far too strong a word for this emotion. "How can he be right though? How does he know more than us?"

"He did most of the research on Heartless…"

"I can't believe all this, I can't be non-existant, not when I'm right here, not when I can touch you!" He gripped the other man's shoulders, desperate. "I have to be! I have to exist! I do exist!"

"Shh, kid. It'll be alright." Xigbar slid a hand through Axel's bright red hair, pushing the man back to his shoulder. "You'll get used to the idea eventually.

And what do you think you'd understand?
"And what?" He mumbled into the other's shoulder. "Do you think you'd understand? How can you be so sure of this?"

"Hell, kid, I've been this way for a long time. I barely remember being Braig. Emotions like this are rare for me, you make me feel, kid. Be it real or fake or imagined, I feel, and that's a damn improvement over nothing. "I see where he's comin' from…"

"But you don't agree?"

"I don't know what to think."

I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
"But I mean something to you? I have meaning? My being has meaning, my existance?"

"Non-existance," Xigbar corrected wearily. "You can think about it all you want, but you're givin' me a headache." With that, his hands trailed down to Axel's waist, a hand grabbing firmly at the other's ass, causing Axel to jump in his hands.

"H-hey, we aren't done with this conversation yet!"

"It's over, kid. Just accept it. That's an order," Number II grumbled and pushed Axel down onto the bed, lips claiming territory over pale skin and hands moving to mold and shape the man below him.

And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
It didn't change either. Their 'relationship.' It was always the same, with Xigbar refusing to believe what Axel had to say, with Axel thinking, trying to understand how he could be yet couldn't. "We aren't nothing."

"Not this again." Xigbar glanced up from the targets on the other end of the field, watching the taller man closely. "I told you, kid, this is the way things are. We don't exist. We're nothing, Nobodies."

"But I want to be something. I want to make an impact, I want to feel, I want to be."

"Then be a good boy and gather hearts for Kingdom Hearts. We'll get ours back eventually…" There was a note in his voice of false hope; he didn't believe it. He'd confided that once to Axel, that he didn't think they'd ever be human again. They were going to be like this for eternity.

"How can you believe something you can't see? Has this ever been done before?"

"No."

"Then what if it doesn't work?"

"I promised loyalty to Xehanort, an' I'm not one to break a promise."

Axel had to admit, he was somewhat proud of that, hearing that Xigbar had enough drive left to stand for something even if he didn't quite believe it. "You feel it then, hopelessness?"

"A ghost of an emotion, sure, kid."

They don't know me
Cause I'm not here
Numbers IX and X came quickly after, and Xigbar's attention was drawn from Axel to Demyx. At first there was a feeling of hurt, of betrayal, of something that wasn't quite human, and at the same time more human than he'd ever felt. Axel, for the first time, felt alone. He felt, and that proved he was there, didn't it? But without anyone to talk to anymore…

"You're not here." Vexen would say when he asked, sitting on the table and trying to reason with the icy man. Fire and ice, pure opposites and yet he was the only one Axel could try to reason with. Xigbar didn't listen, Zexion didn't care, Lexaeus never spoke of it, Xaldin shrugged it off as 'normal', and of course talking to Saix and Xemnas were out of the question.

"But I am…"

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
Time would pass, XI and XII would join, and betray, and finally Axel found something, someone rather. XIII, Roxas. "I feel you," He'd pant in bed, hands next to the blond's head, even as the other looked up silently, making no other sound than shallow breathing. "I can feel, feeling makes me real."

Roxas would never respond, but there was a silent understanding between them. They were similar, they were close, that closeness he hadn't felt to anyone since Xigbar. He hadn't even been able to hold a grudge, to feel remotely betrayed. "You… Roxas, you make me feel so right…"

Still silence, but it had become expected by now. Axel collapsed on the side of the boy, pressing a soft kiss to the other's cheek, as had been done to him. The superior helping the subordinate, how ironic. "With you… I feel real again. I'm not nothing, I exist…"

And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
"Leave him, he is of no importance to us anymore. Dismissed."

The others portaled out of the room quickly, leaving Axel sitting there staring down at chair thirteen, wishing the boy was there. "Roxas…" How could he? Maybe he'd never told Axel anything. Maybe all those emotions were just ghosts. Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe they'd been right. But he'd never believed that before. How could he change so quickly? He had to feel something to even consider changing his rational.

"You make me feel… you're hurting me… it can't be fake."

They don't know me
Cause I'm not here
And he found himself talking to Xigbar again, the first time since finding Demyx in the other's arms. "I have to find him."

"Dude, you're pushing it. Xemnas said—"

"Doesn't matter. You feel too, I know you do." Axel had seen it, the look of hurt that had crossed Xigbar's face on hearing it; Demyx was dead. He'd been killed by the keyblade wielder. And there were only a few of them left. "You felt that."

"It's just a fake emotion." Xigbar sighed, rubbing at the injured eye from underneath the eyepatch. "I don't really feel it, it'll pass…"

"Don't lie, Xig. You and I both know there's more to our 'non-existance'. If we weren't here, if we didn't exist… then how could we feel such pain at their departure?"

"Ax…"

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be

Axel looked up in time to see Xigbar rub at his good eye this time, almost like he couldn't believe it. Axel was then embraced by the older man, and the redhead couldn't help but smile. "See?"

"Thank you, dude."

"I can't do anything now, but I'm going to look for Roxas."

"I'll keep Xemnas busy."

"Thank you."

"No," Xigbar pulled back with a pained smile. "Thank you. I never thought I'd be envious of you, lil' dude."

Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
"Roxas!"

Thirteen turned to the source of the noise, Axel. He was silent, as usual, a blank look of apathy still in place, like it had never left.

"Come back with us, please." Eight pressed his hands to the Key's shoulders, turning him to fully face him. "I love you, Roxas. I feel it, I know it, there's never been such a strong emotion. You make me feel… like… like I have a heart again. I don't need all this mindless killing, not when I have you!"

Roxas shrugged him off, turning back toward wherever he was going, finally letting out two simple words, "Too late."

They can't break me
As long as I know who I am
"No… Roxas!" He was right. Too late. The boy was already gone, leaving Axel to stand there, feeling something shatter within him. He'd been right all along. He could feel, he could be, he was a being after all. And now… "That's it then." He'd never felt like this. Not even the thought that he could feel comforted him. "I love you…" But it was spoken to the wind, Roxas long gone.

I'm the one now
Cause I'm still here

"Why'd you do that?" Sora leaned over Axel, curious beyond belief, wondering what was happening as the man's body began to emit that light, the fading light. "What…?"

"You remind me of him." Axel glanced up at the kid and cracked a small smile. "I loved him. I still do. He made me feel like I was real, I wasn't fake or nothing or nobody…" The smile faded a little as the pain increased.

I'm still here…
I'm still here…
I'm still here…

"I'm still here."