Set in the seventh year, after the final battle. Voldemort had just been defeated, everyone's trying to recollect the pieces of what happened. Draco had fled with his parents leaving his friends (and poor readers) without any hope that he might really choose the good side in the end. Someone is in a particularly bad mood for that.
(This is just a kind of short, sad, senseless dialogue that I wrote tonight because there wasn't anything good on tv. I wrote it just for fun and I decided to publish it for compulsive readers like me that sometimes are just looking for something short to read before going to bed, maybe something to inspire them to write some story on their own. It has no pretensions to be a masterpiece. Also, is a variation from my usual territory because I usually write Harry/Draco in the HP fandom. But yeah, if you want to, I'll gladly share my midnight's bittersweet thoughts with all of you guys)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, unfortunately. But I'm still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts to arrive: hey, it's just nearly 10 years late, just a little mishap, isn't it?
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She took a long drag of her cigarette and held the smoke in for a couple of seconds, then exhaled slowly.
- Is that tobacco or what?
Seamus asked, half smiling, and she chuckled to herself, flicking the ash off her cigarette.
- Of course it is…
She answered quietly, but her knees were shaking visibly.
- I shouldn't even be smoking this, anyway…
She said, more to herself than to her friend.
- I had never thought that I'd see the day you smoked a cigarette.
Seamus stated, matter-of-factly. Hermione smiled, and shook her head.
- I had never thought that too…
Seamus remained quiet, just looking at her, waiting for her to say something. But after a while, he eventually spoke;
- Mione…
He hesitated.
- You've always known that he wouldn't have….
She nodded and dragged on her cigarette again, squeezing her eyes shut in the meanwhile.
- Know that.
She coughed up, and Seamus thought she look quite awkward in her smoking.
- Always known that….
And then again she was taking the cigarette to her mouth, as if it gave her some sort of comfort. Seamus grabbed her hand and stopped her.
- Don't do this Mione, it's not you… and besides, this stuff is going to kill you one day or another, don't even get started...
She threw the cigarette away and rolled her eyes;
- Not that I would mind….
She muttered. Seamus pretended he didn't hear that.
- Mione, you…
But she interrupted him:
- I've seen that coming,
She nodded, as if to strengthen the idea.
- No, I've had it coming: I've known… all along, I've known that but I kept-
She trailed off, struggling to hold back the tears forming in her eyes.
- Harry, he had told me. He knew him better than I did, he… he's the one who made me think that… that maybe he could change… He believed that, he believed in him. He had held tight to this hope as long as he could, but then…
She shook her head.
- Then he changed his mind too, he said he was not going to change. Said he was…
One tear spilled out of the corner of her eye.
- Said he was with Astoria now…
Hermione desperately wanted her cigarette back, and felt ashamed of herself for everything she was saying and thinking, and for the pitiful state she had thrown herself into. She should have known better than this.
- And I didn't listen. I couldn't listen… and now I'm dealing with the consequences of my foolishness. I've been delusional.
Seamus didn't know what to say.
Hermione let another couple of tears spilling out of her eyes, biting down on her nails now that her cigarette was gone.
- The worst thing is, I cannot even really get him out of my life.
She shook her head again, as if in denial.
- I can't believe that I… I spent so much time, and so much effort in trying to be better than him, trying to be better than anyone, just so that he would no-
Hermione bit down on her tongue, didn't really mean that. Oh God, how pitiful was it? "Just so that he would notice me", how in hell could she be about to say something like this?
- B-but, the fact is,
She kept on,
- I cannot deny that I owe him much of what I am, of what I have reached…
- Oh, Mione! That is not true, you don't owe anyone….
- I do!
She said,
- I do Seam… unfortunately, I know myself, I know how many times did I keep studying only because of him, how many nights did I spend on the books just for his esteem. It's… sick, and trust me, no one would like to pretend it didn't happen more than I do, but… I'm not able to lie to myself, not anymore.
Seamus was staring at his own feet. It was untypical of him to be left speechless, and he never was, not with Hermione, of course. They had been good friend… talked about anything. But this… as much as he understood her, it was like everyone lived in their own little drama, where all the feelings and thoughts seemed stupid and cliché if expressed by others, but then again, they seemed oh-so-real when you were experiencing them first hand….
It was hard to put some kinds of feelings into words. Even if it was just to tell her "I know", it sounded… kind of shallow. Or maybe Seamus was just fussing about nothing.
- I realized that I remember half of the things I know about potions just because I heard him saying them during classes.
She stated, emotionlessly.
- Remember that potion test we took, last year?
She asked.
- The one that no one passed?
She nodded.
- No one but he and I.
Seamus remembered that. Even Harry had failed that.
- I made 5 mistakes, still remember that….
She said. Her eyes were lost somewhere Seamus couldn't totally figure out.
- They were exactly the same mistakes that he did.
She shook her head.
- Pitiful, isn'it? I knew just exactly the same things he did, because I remembered everything he had said. But didn't know anything more than what I had learned from him.
There was a bitterness in her tone, that made it clear for anyone listening, that it wasn't simply a childish school matter for her: it was fundamental for the opinion she held on herself, for her self-esteem.
Everyone knew Potter and Malfoy had been rivals since the very beginning of their first year in Hogwarts. They had fought each other, and maybe even improved each other with their constant challenge, constant spur to give the best of themselves to try and outsmart the other.
But… Hermione?
Somewhere deep in her mind she knew that no matter how good marks might she get, he would have never considered her like he did with Harry; Harry was the boy-who-lived, Harry was the Chosen One, the one not even Voldemort succeeded in killing. He was a worthy rival to Draco, not her.
She was just a geek who studied like mad to get decent marks…. Nothing amazing.
And it was pathetic how hard she tried just to gain his attention.
She kept staring at her undefined point somewhere beyond the horizon.
Seamus was rolling up a new cigarette. They kept quiet for a little while.
- I've told myself many times, I should learn how to like people who actually like me back… or at least, who aren't complete freaks!
Seamus joked, in the meanwhile finishing his cigarette.
- Merlin, it would be easy if they had charms for that…
He stated, just before taking a drag of his newly made cigarette.
- Yeah, It would….
She had now turned to face him, half smiling.
- Want a drag?
He offered her the cigarette, and she just took a puff on it, not really inhaling the smoke. It was so much obvious that she wasn't used to smoke.
- I know… I know he's a bad thing for me.
She said casually.
- Rationally, I know it.
And for Merlin's sake, if there was a rational one, that was Hermione.
- I know other people had done much more good to me than… than him, and I love this people, I really do. I grew attached to them.
Seamus knew exactly who "other people" was.
- I know that they deserve my love and my commitment more than one that barely speaks to me. And… really, I'm… I'm fine when I'm with them, I'm… I feel home, I feel secure, I'm.. alright. I feel like I have someone I can hold to. And that's…. that's fine.
Not even she knew if she was trying to convince Seamus or herself.
- But… when I see him,
She lowered her gaze.
- I know it's childish, but it makes me feel…
Seamus rested his head on her shoulder, and she shuddered.
- I cannot have these feelings out of rationality, I just can't.
She said, with such a discouragement in her voice that underlined how did she live it as a personal failure, not to be able to rationally direct her feelings.
- They can tell me it's a stupid… crush how many times they want to,
She said the word "crush" with disgust.
- But still, it makes me feel alive…. It makes me feel like I want to get out of bed in the morning, it makes me feel like nothing else matters… it makes me feel adrenaline running through my veins like mad, and…
She paused.
- How stupid is it what I'm telling you?
Seamus shook his head.
- You know I don't think that.
She smiled sadly.
- Seam… really, I think you can come to love someone if you really want to, if they deserve it, if they're the right ones for you… but…
She shook her head.
- You cannot bring yourself to like someone… doesn't matter how hard you try… that is irrational. That is…
She was trembling for the emotion.
- Hopeless…
She whispered.
- I'm sorry Mione. You didn't deserve that, above all people...
She shook her head.
- Merlin, no, I'm not complaining… there are a lot of people who got worse than what I did. There are people who… died. I'm not complaining.
She wiped a tear off her cheek.
- He seemed different, you know? In the last months. It seemed like he really had changed. He had been…
- He made a big mistake, Mione…
- Made his choice. But… both me and Harry never thought that he would have chosen them in the end. We both thought that he would have ended up with us. Well,
She shrugged.
- Look like we were wrong after all...
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Author's Note: Ok, maybe this was slightly- slightly I said- inspired by a coursemate of mine. But for Merlin's sake, I do really remember anything he says. I could definitely say that I owe him my academic career.
Good night everyone!