TVF: It's A Baby, a darren shan saga/cirque du freak fanfic

So this story was gonna be a short installment in The Deleted Files, then it was going to be my bonus entry in CCIMH12's contest, then I just forgot about it, then I came up with a different idea for the end and decided to make it an extra-extra-special TVF oneshot! and it's a long one.

Yeea folks, on this day in 1993 at 8:21 pm, a child named Roxypony came screaming into the world. Well, her name wasn't Roxypony at the time...what they named her is of no concern.

After 9/9/93, the world was never the same again.

Please enjoy this, it's been in development since freakin MARCH. MARCH, people!

PS, ive been slacking on hug months...again. But this is Arrow's month, yes of course I made it so he's in my birthday month! So go ahead, hug a baldie. Arrow, I love you :) PS, im posting the caldendar in the Deleted Files.

The end part was written in my spare period class today...and partly in my friend`s truck cuz it started honking randomly so I had to go out and sit with it in case it happened again...anyway!

It was a quiet Saturday night in Vampire Mountain, just the way Darren liked them. He was stretched out on the couch, reading an superior but almost forgotten book series known as Harry Potter. On the flatscreen TV, that obnoxiously overpublicised Twilight sequel was playing. For the sole purpose of throwing various objects at the screen and declaring it an "ABOMINATION!" every other minute. Nobody disagreed with Seba on this matter. Paris and Larten watched the movie with expressions of polite sympathy, whereas Mika, Arrow, Harkat and Seba were completely taken aback in horror and disgust, and were providing the majority of abuse directed at the screen.

About half an hour into the movie, Darren noted the absence of someone making misplaced and alarming comments.

"Where's Kurda?"

Everyone looked at Mika, who glared.

"I didn't drop him on the stakes, I swear! I haven't even punched him today."

"Probably because he hasn't been around all day." Arrow noted.

"I thought the bathroom smelled less fruity this morning!" Paris added.

"What if... he left...or fell down...the mountain...or got lost...in the woods?" Harkat gasped.

"He doesn't go outside." Darren reminded.

"That's mean, Harkat." said Mika. "Getting my hopes up like that. Shame on you."

Harkat snickered and fake-punched his much larger friend in the side of the head.

"Ouch." chuckled Mika.

"Seriously, though. We should probably find him before-"

At that moment, a baby blue and blond streak came charging into the family room, pink laptop in tow.

"Omg hey!" Kurda greeted with an expression of unbridled joy. "K, so I totally gotta suprise for you guyss."

"Kill me." Mika grunted.

"So I totally just registered us on www-dot-iMommie-dot-com!"

Blank stares. Kurda gave them the look they often gave him. The Are-You-Seriously-Dumber-Than-A-Twillight-Freak look.

"iMommie-dot-com is like, only the worlds most forwardest babysitting service matchup site in the history of EVER!" he declared, flinging his arms wide open in joy.

"I think you mean foremost, not forwardest..." Paris mumbled.

"So you found yourself a babysitter, thank the Vampire Gods." Mika contributed.

"Umm. Noooo, Mika." the blond replied with a hair flip. "iMommie-dot-com matches a babysittable child up for US!"

"I don't get it."

"I don't think I want to get it."

"Kurda. PLEASE, please, please tell me this isn't what it sounds like. Because I really, really, REALLY don't think babysitting is something we should be doing." Darren informed him slowly and clearly.

Kurda stared back at him out of those big sad blue eyes.

"Darren, don't fall for it!" Mika snapped. "WE DO NOT BABYSIT!" with that, he yanked Kurda's laptop out of his hands, snapped it in half, and stomped on it until it was beyond dead. Of course, that would do nothing to remove Vampire Mountain from iMommie's list of babysitting services, but Darren decided Mika did not need to become any angrier. Just as he got up to sneak out of the room to get his own laptop, hack on, and delete whatever information Kurda put on there, the doorbell rang.

"Omg that's our first customer!" Kurda announced. He tried to run to the door but was forcibly restrained by Mika and Arrow.

"Someone go tell them it is a mistake!" Larten wailed.

Seba screeched about how the front door/garage/porch system newly carved into the base of the Mountain was an abomination, and Darren ran to answer it.

"You mean..." Paris gasped in horror.

"You already booked a babysitting?" Arrow groaned.

"I hate you more than usual." Mika glared.

"This situation is less than desirable." Larten agreed.

"K, so why is everyone so bitchy?" Kurda whined. "Don't you like kids? Everyone likes kids!"

"We don't all have the maternal instinct, dude." said Arrow.

"I don't know what that meeeeans." Kurda wailed.

"This is our battle strategy:" said Larten. "As soon as Darren comes back from telling these people that there has been a mistake and we WILL NOT take their miniature demon, Kurda, you will...what is the phrase...log in to this...eye-Mommie abomination...Charna's Guts, I did not just use the A-word...and remove whatever contact information you have put into the system. We will not have to encounter any humans or offspring, and we will NEVER speak of this again."

Kurda opened his mouth to whine, but at that moment Darren came back into the room...and he wasn't alone. Clinging to his back was...

A child. A slobbering, boogering, gurgling human child.

Darren set the child on the couch and held up his hands as though surrounded by cops with guns and spoke in a calm voice:

"I know this looks like a bad situation. And I know you all want me dead right now. But here's the thing. If you scream, yell, stampede, cry or throw sharp objects at my head, that could disturb the delicate inner workings of this child's brain. And you really do not want to incur the wrath of a human child, because it often includes leakage of bodily fluids the likes of which you cannot imagine. Does everyone understand?"

Nods all around, and apprehensive looks at the child.

"Thank you for your cooperation. Any questions?"

"What. The. Hell. Have. You. DONE?" Mika hissed as quietly as possible whilst maintaining a murderous tone.

"It was cute?" Darren sniffled hopefully. "And the mom was really really nice?"

"Darren, I cannot believe you." Larten stated in aghast. "This impulsive behaviour is unacceptable. By allowing this writhing beast into our home, you are desecrating our most ancient traditions! Where is your control? Where is rational thinking? Where is pride and honour? Have I taught you nothing? Have - AAAAaaGGGGGHHHHhhhh GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

The Child had crawled off the couch and had wrapped itself around Larten's ankle.

Kurda reached in and snatched the Child before it was flung against a wall.

"Laaarrrteeeen. How dare you be a big mean grumpypants to the poor little...uhhmm...K so is this a dude or a chick?"

"How should I know?" Darren wailed.

"You did not have the sense to ask?" Larten gasped, apparently recovered from being violently attacked by the Child.

"That would have been polite. "What gender is your kid, I cant tell!"

"Someone needs to check."

"I disagree with that statement."

"Well, surely the mother told you its name."

"I wasn't listening to the mom, I was trying to stop the kid from crawling towards the Hall of Death!"

"Well, we should...give it a name." Harkat decided. "Everyone needs...a name."

"Shirley!" Kurda shrieked. "It's soooo a little Shirley!"

"That's queer." Arrow snorted. "Call it Denton. Denton is a good name."

"Raphael." Seba declared, glaring around and daring anyone to disagree.

"We cannot name it. Once you name it, you become attached to it." Larten lectured. "For the time it is here, we shall refer to it as It. No exceptions."

"Ehhhh!" It announced happily, pulling at Kurda's hair.

"Omg it likes us! Welcome to Vampire Mountain, lil' Itty!" the blonde squealed.

"Not Itty." Larten snorted. "It. Once you name It, you begin to feel an emotional attachment to It. And once you feel an attachment to It, you will never escape. Trust me, this I know." He shot a glance at Darren.

"Gubbah!" said It.

"Ahhhhwwww!" Kurda squeaked as though it was the most wonderful sound he'd ever heard in his life.

"Huuhh?" said Seba, scrunching up his face quizzically. "Does It have a speech impediment?"

"Seeebaa! It's a baby!" Kurda reprimanded.

It reached toward Seba's face. Seba growled and recoiled defensively.

"It likes you!" said Kurda encouragingly.

"It is not a baby, It is almost as big as Harkat!" Paris snorted.

"It also smells ghastly." Mika grumbled.

"It's not even smart enough to hold it until It gets to a bathroom?" Arrow gasped.

"EWWIE!" Kurda shrieked, dropping It, who was luckily caught by Harkat.

"I will...fix the situation." Harkat grunted with an eye roll.

"Umm...here." said Darren, handing Harkat a fistfull of lacy table covers. "Spare diapers. Harkat, has anyone ever told you that you are absolutely amazing?"

Harkat shrugged "I cannot...smell stuff. I'm sure I've...touched worse." he took It into the water closet and shut the door. Several minutes later, there came an ear-piercing scream or horror.

"Dude, are you alive?" said Arrow, pressing an ear to the door along with Darren.

"I am fine...but when I'm done...we will need...a vaccum and many many...Shamwows in here."

"What gender is it?" Arrow inquired.

"How am I...supposed to know? I don't have...parts!"

"Well, can you describe what you see?"

"Nevermind, we don't want to know thaaat bad." said Darren.

"Well...I'm done!" said Harkat triumphantly, emerging from the bathroom, holding It, who now had lime green lace wrapped around It's bottom. "What now?"

"Umm...how about a healthy snack?" said Darren.

"COOKIE DOUGH!" came the resounding reply from everyone.

"I was thinking more like...organic whole wheat fruit & fiber muffins?" Darren suggested.

"Yay!" declared Harkat with a fist pump.

The gang trooped into the kitchen, It in tow. So far It seemed to be most content with Harkat, but had a strong tendency to reach out to Larten's face. Kurda kept cooing phrases such as, "Haayyy little Itty-It! Who loves you? Thats right, Kurdie-Wurdie loves you! Eeehehe!" which caused Mika and Larten to give him looks of disgust.

"So, blueberry, raspberry, or banana?" asked Darren.

"Steak." said Mika.

"Fruit? Arrow snorted. "I don't get the point of fruit."

''Fruit is excellent for your figure." Kurda informed him.

"While Darren prepares a healthy meal for It, I will be listening to my audiobook." Larten stated primly.

"Oooh, what book?" asked Kurda. "I rreeaalllyyy wanna read the newest Gossip Girl!"

"Dracula." said Larten.

"Mr. Crepsley!" Darren moaned. "I can't make muffins and watch It all by myself!"

"There are 6 other beings in this room who can assist you, Darren. Pick one."

Darren observed the rest of the posse. Seba was eating sugar off a spoon, Harkat Mika and Arrow were chugging Gatorade, Kurda was trying to read the nutrition information on the side of the Count Chocula cereal, and Paris was dead asleep with his head on the table.

"Ploooo!" said It.

"I agree." said Darren, setting It down in the sink and starting on the muffins. He was almost ready to stir all the junk together, when he glanced up and noticed that It was getting curious and playing with the tap, turning it to face the kitchen.

"ITTY, DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

PHHHHSSSSSHHHHH! Everything within a 10-foot radius was soaked instantly, and the water was still spurting out faster than a Flit. Darren managed to shut the water off, but his bowl of muffin mix was completely drowned before he'd even had a chance to throw in the fruit chunks.

For a second, everyone looked stunned. Then totally disgusted.

"Omg, my hair is destrooooyed!" wailed Kurda.

"Dude, seriously?'' said Arrow.

"Babies!" Mika grunted.

"Darren! You and It ruined my ear-listening-pods. How am I supposed to finish my audiobook now?" bitched Larten.

"Mr. Crepsley!" Darren protested miserably. "Can you just-"

"Krapbleh!" It interjected.

Darren turned around and stared It in the eyes. "I don't understand you!" he moaned depressively. In reply, It shoved It's fist into It's mouth. Suddenly Darren had an inspiration. He began to sing:

"Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up, clean up, clean up, do your share!"

"Who's that song by?" Kurda inquired. "It's catchy. I don't have it on my iPod."

"I don't know, it's just a generic chant taught to every kindergarden class in existence! It was my favourite. Everytime we sang it, Steve threw blocks at my head. Now clean up, clean up, everybody clean up, clean up, clean up, do your share!"

Several minuites, large quantities of towels, and multiple bribes later, the kitchen was dry and cozy again. Darren decided It could survive on Gatorade for the day, so It was given a plastic unbreakable spill-proof cup which Seba often used. Then It was carried out to the living room for more fun and games.

Immediately, Mika and Arrow flicked on the TV to tune into a favourite show of theirs, Criminal Minds. They were fascinated by the creative ways humans inflicted harm upon each other. A shot of a half-mutilated face filled the screen.

"Wow." said Mika.

"Damn." said Arrow.

"I've seen worse." said Paris.

"When I was your age, we did not use fancy little human devices like toothbrushes and spoons to remove someone's face, we did it the good old-fashioned Vampire way." said Seba.

"Turn that off!" Darren yelped. "It can't watch that!"

"But Darren, this is a new episode! And look how happy It is, either It's a future serial killer, or It has no what It's watching!"

"I don't care! This show is digusting!"

Darren wrestled the remote from Mika's grasp, and looked through the guide until he found Dora The Explorer.

It and Kurda immediately began humming along with the theme music. Darren put in his earphones and made a list of how he could entertain It if TV failed. Everyone else zoned out.

Several minutes into the show, Darren looked up and noticed a profound lack of Dora on the TV screen. She had seemingly been replaced by... The Maury Show. A non-censored version. Uh oh.

"Itty, you can't watch that!" Darren shrieked in horror, desperatey searching for the remote. It was nowhere to be found.

"I'm 12 years old, and I'm GONNA have a baby! Can't NOBODY stop me cuz I'm all grown up, my 17 year old BOYFRIEND smokes crack and he frickin LOVES me an ma ghetto booty, and my PARENTS are gonna get their asses in gear and help pay for all my shit, and together we ARE gonna PROVIDE for our lil baby! I got her clothes picked out and everythang! I don't CARE what NOBODY says, cuz I am READY to have a baby!" said the girl on Maury, displaying her middle fingers for all to see.

"Such passion." Kurda commented.

"Dumb bitch." Mika snorted.

"6 fully grown Vampires, a half-Vampire, and a Little Person can't handle one kid, how the hell does she figure she's gonna manage?" Arrow grumbled.

"Who says we're not managing?" Darren grunted as he wrestled the remote from It's grip and turned the TV off.

"Your face says it all, my friend."

"Who's up for a game?" said Darren perkily, ignoring that comment.

"Game of what?"

"Umm...what do we have...Monopoly?"

"Too complicated." Kurda whined.

"Okay...how about Scrabble?"

"I cannot read." said Larten peevishly.

"Cwapla!" said It.

"Ugh...how about Twister?"

"Oookayy!" Kurda agreed.

No one else commented so Darren took it as a yes. Eventually he extracted the Twister mat from behind Larten's snow shoes in the hall closet, and took the spinner away from Seba who had a great affinity with it.

"Ready, set, TWISTER!" Darren yelled gleefully like the lady from the Twister commercial. "The first colour is...GREEN!"

Everybody put their hand on a green dot. Simple enough.

"RED!"

No problems. It was getting right into the game. It didn't seem to know what colours were, but Kurda carefully arranged It's limbs so It was touching the appropriate dots.

"BLUE!"

At this point, Mika had to reach over Larten's neck, almost breaking it, but no harm was done. Seba hollered because he was inadvertantly stuck between Arrow and Kurda, but his cries were ignored and he settled down. It squealed in delight and bounced up and down on the blue dot.

"GREEN AGAIN!"

Paris toppled over when he got caught between Larten's leg and Mika's shoulder. He was out. Grumbling, he went to go work the spinner to give Darren a turn on the mat.

"YELLOW!"

"WEEEEHH!" It screamed, crawling between the legs of the entangled Vampires. But It went unnoticed, as the Vampires were currently caught up in the competitive spirit of the game. Harkat was doing well because of his low center of gravity, but he was at a disadvantage because of his lack of length and flexibility. Seba was slowly suffocating, still sandwiched between Arrow and Kurda who were battling for a yellow dot.

"RED!"

Harkat went down. He couldn't seem to reach the red dot without taking his butt off the blue one. Luckily he wasn't injured when Mika crashed down almost on top of him. Mika, however was stil in the game because he remained touching the correct dots. Seba was freed when Kurda and Arrow parted, and he jumped on his own red dot, hyperventilating but stubbornly refusing to leave the game. Darren was woven painfully between someone's arm, another's leg, and an elbow. Who's they were he could not tell, because his face was pressed into his red dot.

"GREEN!"

Everything went to hell. The twister mat ripped down the middle when Arrow tried to push off by kicking Larten in the neck in an effort to make it to the green dot. Everyone else kissed dirt.

"I WIN!" Seba bellowed in delight, dragging himself out from under the left side of the mat.

"You soooo do not." Kurda disagreed. "Me!"

"Nice try, I pwned all your asses." Arrow snorted.

"Yeah it was going soo well for you till you ripped the mat." said Mika with great sarcasm.

"That was Crepsley's fault, he moved and I slipped." Arrow grumbled dissapointedly.

"Hey, wait a second..." said Darren, realising there was something he should be remembering...then it hit him. "OMG...WHERE'S IT?"

"IIITTTYYYYYYY!" Kurda wailed, looking under the fragmented twister mat. "IT'S NOT HERE! WHERE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?"

A further search revealed that It was not in the living room.

"Way to go, Darren. You lost It." Larten grouched.

"Not lost, misplaced!" Darren insisted. "It couldn't have gotten far. KEEP LOOKING! HOLD ON, IT! WE'RE COMING!"

The search for It continued. It was not under the carpet. It was not in the fridge. It was not in the cupboard under the sink. It was not hiding in any of the closets. It was not in the Hall of Princes. It was not in Paris' favourite ornamental vase. It was not in the shower or bathtub. Darren seriously hoped It hadn't found a yet-to-be-renovated water closet and fallen in. He decided not to dwell on this matter.

"Darren, it's time to face the facts." said Mika after searching beneath the couch. "It's gone for good."

"What will we tell It's mommy?" Kurda blubbered tearfully.

"Darren lost your kid."

"Seba ate your kid."

"It ran away to join the Cirque Du Freak."

"It went into anaphylactic shock when Kurda sprayed perfume. We did everything we could."

"We sold It on eBay."

"The Vampaneze are holding It hostage. They demand cookie dough in return, which is not something we are prepared to do at this time. Our aplolgies."

"It fell down...a water closet."

"We don't have to tell her anything! We'll just find a replacement It and she'll never know the difference!"

Darren felt sick.

"Thanks, guys. Those are all great ideas which I'm sure would have been perfectly convincing, but It has to be around somewhere. How would you feel if you left me with strangers, and you came back, I was gone? Or replaced?"

No answer.

"Okay, what if you left Harkat with someone and they lost him?"

"Don't say that, that's horrible!" snapped Mika.

"You have a sick mind." Seba declared.

Harkat blushed.

"Whoever finds It gets to eat a whole roll of cookie dough!" Darren continued determinedly.

"IIIIIIITTTTTTTT!" yelled Arrow. "C'mere, It!"

"Itty, where are yoouu?" Kurda moaned, checking under the couch for the fourth time.

"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!" Seba bellowed.

"Dude, you watch way too much TV."

Seba growled.

20 minutes later, It's whereabouts had not been verified. Darren was sitting in the kitchen, drowing his sorrows in chocolate milk. Harkat was dutifully searching the cupboards and drawers. Mika and Arrow had long since lost interest and were raiding the fridge. Paris, Larten and Seba were searching the upstairs rooms, and Kurda was calling It's name in every baby-talk variation, hoping It would answer.

"Guys, we need a realistic plan. It seems to have evaporated, and we need suggestions, people!"

"I could look under the couch again!" offered Kurda.

"Maybe It wandered in on the Guardians of the Blood. If that's the case, It is beyond rescuing." Paris added.

"It could be watching our every move, waiting for the right time to strike." Seba whispered suspensefully.

"I'm telling you, we just need to get a replacement It. All babies are the same, she'll never know!" Mika insisted.

"Maybe It's-"

YOOO, ILL SAYYA WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT!
SOOO TELL ME WHAT YA WANT, WHAT YA REALLY REALLY WANT!
I WANNA HUH I WANNA HUH I WANNA HUH I WANNA HUH
I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIGGA ZIG UHHHH.

Everyone turned to face the source of the noise.

"It's that song." Mika groaned, clutching his head.

"It's those new Spice Girl creatures." Pais muttered.

"It's my iPod!" Kurda gasped.

"IT'S IT!" Darren screamed, pointing at the tiny figure in the doorway holding the iPod which was cranked to full blast on the speaker. "CATCH IT!"

But of course, everyone jumped at the same time, and It bolted, speed-crawling away. Catching It wouldn't have been a problem despite It's relative speed, but as Seba lunged, he became entrapped in one of the kitchen barstools, and went down on his face. Naturally, he was in front of the pack, so everyone else came crashing down around him, and It made some serious progress. By the time the Vampires were back on their feet, they just saw It's butt dissapearing around the corner into the Hall of Death. They stampeded in after It to see It sitting happily on the ground, about a foot away from the Pit of Stakes.

"No. Sudden. Movements." Darren instrusted in a whisper. "Mika, Paris, Mr. Crepsley, take that side. Harkat, Seba, Arrow, take that side. I've got the center. Kurda, keep It's attention focused on you.

"Why?" said Seba.

"Shut up and listen or you change the next diaper." Darren snapped.

Mission-Impossible style, the gang slowly began to creep in on It.

"Heeeeyy Itters. Guess what! You're making your most favouritest uncles very very distressed, so if you could just sit there like a cute lil Itty until we come snatch up your cute little butt, that would be seriously sweet." Kurda informed It.

But, then someone on the left side coughed. It looked. It saw a grey-skinned mess-faced little creature. And a slightly demented-looking senior citizen with a manic expression. But most terrifying of all, Arrow and his disturbing, horrifying, evil, shock-inducing, bald head.

It made a noise like a posessed ambulance siren, and sprinted in the direction of-

"OMG IT'S GONNA FALL ON THE STAKES!"

"Or jump in Crepsley's arms, that works too."

"Darren...I require assistance."

Darren couldn't believe his eyes. His beloved mentor had half-jumped between It and the Pit, and was now sort of lying diagonally between the two, with It joyfully cuddling his arm.

"I have always had a way with children, you know." the orange-haired Vampire added.

"Oh, I know." said Darren happily, picking It up.

"Caphleh!" It whined, trying to pet Larten's face.

"Indeed." said Larten, politely returning the gesture before stepping back.

It began to cry.

After that scare, Darren decided to enforce the fact that It needed constant supervision. He dragged everyone up to Paris' room and proceeded to lock the door.

"Paris, you liar. You said you kept to the old ways and slept in a coffin!"

"Come now, Larten. This is a posturepedic."

"Shame on you." Larten grumbled.

"You are jealous." Paris declared.

Larten sat down on the bed and glared.

"I am most certainly n-oh my goodness. This mattress is incredibly posture-ly."

"Csaaaplee!" said It.

Mika plopped down on the bed, lying over several pillows. Arrow lay down on the floor. Kurda sat primly in the center of the bed with It in his lap and Darren beside them. Harkat curled up like a puppy beside him. Seba sat in the center of the floor, facing the bed. Paris and Larten sat on the edge.

"K, so we need to play a game." said Kurda.

Mika hit him with a pillow.

"Mika, owieee! I might not even let you play now. K, so everyone stand up."

"Standing up is not reccomended on the OrthoHolic 8.05!" Paris groaned. His complaint went ignored as everyone stood up on the bed apprehensively. Seba cautiously roamed across the floor and slowly climbed onto the bed where he proceeded to stand up carefully, unsure of the mattress texture, clinging to Mika and Larten for support. Kurda began.

"K, so... 9 little Vampires jumping on the bed, 1 fell off and bumped his head!"

Conveniently, Mika chose this time to shove Seba off the bed. Darren picked up the song.