Something that came to me after hearing Save The Hero by Beyonce.

Rated T for implied suicide. Slash

People always called me the smart one, the person who could figure out almost anything. I say almost in the strongest way possible. There was one time, the one time it mattered most, that I couldn't figure something out. And it cost me my whole world.

It started about six months ago. I was just sitting down watching TV with the guys when Kendall's phone rang and he went into our room to answer it. When he came back I noticed he looked a bit paler than normal but when I asked him he said he was fine. I believed him and I wish so badly now that I hadn't.

The next time it happened was a few days later and Kendall's phone went of again, this time during a rehearsal. Gustavo gave him hell for not turning his phone off but he didn't care and went outside to answer it anyway. He never came back and when we all asked he just said he wasn't feeling well. Again I believed him.

Over the next few months I'd noticed there was something different about Kendall. He seemed more withdrawn and some nights I'd notice he'd just lay there and stare at the ceiling. I'd never related that with the phone calls. I just assumed that Hollywood was just getting to him a bit and that if there was a real problem he'd tell us.

It was also in those few months I realised I was in love with him.

Sure I'd always been slightly closer with him that James and Carlos but I had put it down to that I knew him first so it was normal. There were just these moments though, moments that when I brushed past him I felt like I was on fire, and I knew it was more than just friendship.

I'd planned on telling him soon, but I could never find the right opportunity. I was fretting so much on when and how to tell him that I never noticed deteriorating before my very eyes. He was the strong one of the group so no one really looked to see if something was wrong with him, there never normally was. None of us saw how he was silently crying out for us to help him. He left so many hints it's a wonder how we missed them all. The dark rings under his eyes, the permanent shake he always had and the way he would only really talk to us in rehearsals. Any other time he would be in our room just staring blankly at nothing.

Near the end of the fifth month it was like living with a zombie however we were all caught up worrying over our second album to realise it. Added to that was the fact I hadn't told him yet and was still stressing over it.

It was ironic on the day that was meant to be our happiest turned into our worst.

It was the night of our party celebrating the positive feedback of our album and Gustavo told us that night that were going to be doing a world tour! We were all so ecstatic we didn't notice Kendall wasn't there celebrating with us. After we'd got over the news I planned to tell Kendall how I loved him. I had it all set up. I was going to take him over to the spot on the roof that was quiet and you could see the most stars. While he was looking I'd tell him how much he meant to me. How he was always there for everyone and how he was the most considerate person I knew. Then if he hadn't rejected me I'd bring out a ring I'd bought and engraved on it were the words 'Be mine'. Then we'd kiss and…

I never got the chance to do all that. It took me ages to find him when I finally did in the toilets. I won't tell you what he did as it hurts to remember but what I will is that as the life faded to him I told him I loved him and to my surprise he answered back.

"I love you too Logie" he whispered before his eyes closed and I knew they would never open again. I'd heard what I'd wanted to hear so badly and it had hurt so much.

I don't really know how long I'd stayed with Kendall. All I know was the whole time I was crying. Crying for how I'd lost him and also how I'd never even noticed him enough to help him.

A few days later we'd found out why he'd done it. It turned out that his dad, who had been in prison for domestic violence and child abuse, had escaped and was texting him. He kept saying how when he found them he was going to do so many terrible things to him but if he told he'd just escape again and try even harder. No one knows how he got the number, only that it sent Kendall over the edge. The police had apologised many times for not telling them he'd escaped but that didn't really matter. What mattered was that Kendall thought he had to deal with it all on his own…and we were just as bad believing his lies and not even trying.

I almost couldn't go to the funeral; I couldn't hear how good a person Kendall was as it would just remind me what I couldn't save. I did however and we all went back to Minnesota. Many others from the Palm Woods like Jo and Camille came as well and I was grateful for their presence. I never told the others how I blamed myself but I think they did too just as much and also didn't say it. Mama Knight had specifically told us how it wasn't our fault but we didn't believe her.

Right now I'm standing in front of Kendall's grave placing a tulip there, his favourite flower. I suppose one good thing happened since it all and that was Kendall's dad being found and put into prison. Thankfully nothing was in the papers and we had Gustavo to be grateful to for that. We considered it a good-bye present as we all knew Big Time Rush was finished. We weren't anything without Kendall just like I'm nothing without him.

People always said I could do anything, solve any problem. So why couldn't I help the one I loved?

I'm not sure if I dragged on a bit but I do know I was almost crying while writing this T T. Comment to tell me how I've done?