*I don't own Bleach or it's characters and I make no money from this fan fiction.
Hi all! Been a while, ne? This story started out as a Oneshot tribute to our beloved Gin, but then refused to have no have plot. For those who have already requested a pairing, your wish is already granted. However, there will be some mixing of couples at the beginning so if you see one of you characters with someone else at first don't worry, it's coming I promise :)
This story contains: Male/Male, Female/Male, Female/Male/Female and not yet but probably a short Female/Female coupling, AND YES those are sexual relationships so if you are offended by any of those combinations or you are under the age of 18, you should stop reading now. Oh, there's a fair bit of swearing too…
*Many thanks to the lovely Smartcausaltrousers for Beta-ing for me! Love you, SCT! She's awesome you should check her out on DA!
Review, and let me know what you think!
Sex Ed 101.
.
"Why do I have'ta do it, Aizen-Taichou? Ya know how bashful I am."
The self-proclaimed Lord of Hueco Mundo smiled over the rim of his tea, his focus settled on his longest serving disciple. "Gin, you've always been in charge of education." he stated irrefutably, his voice never changing from the gentle, molten resonance it always seemed to keep. Gin eyed his long-time master and friend; Aizen knew him well enough to know he would thoroughly enjoy performing this given task, and Gin knew Aizen well enough to know he was enjoying their current game as much as he was.
"But why can't "Mr. Collected" over there do it?" Gin tried again, his mischievous gaze now on the former Ninth Captain. Kaname's jaw flexed and his fist clenched by his sides. Oh how Gin loved goading the dark skinned Taichou.
"You know perfectly well why Kaname is not able to hold the class." Aizen chided, resting his empty tea cup on the arm of his throne.
Gins smile widened. "Oh that's riiiggh-"
"Aizen-sama has given you clear orders, Ichimaru."
Gin opened his mouth to argue, and Kaname had to force himself to straighten and not shunpo over to the antagonizing little shit and strangle the hell out of him.
Aizen injected an authoritative hand in a silent order of restraint; the dark-haired man might not have been able to see with his eyes, but his skill in feeling reiatsu meant the gesture was noticed none-the-less.
"Gin." Aizen stared at his old friend and the two held a silent, but weighted conversation within their locked gazes. As much as Gin enjoyed the inside jokes they exchanged using over a century's worth of experience in cryptic and silent conversations, he also knew that Aizen didn't tolerate disobedience for very long, feigning or not.
Gin sighed dramatically, pouting his lips and slipping his hands inside his sleeves. "Fine. I'll give the kiddies the Sex Ed class."
Kaname visibly relaxed, assuming with Gin's admission this meeting would soon be over.
"Maybe you should be joinin' the class too Kaname. I mean, how old are ya these days? Isn't it 'bout time ya learned-"
"Temae." Kaname growled through his teeth, the smirking ex-Captain apparently having decided that he was not off the hook just yet.
"Oh my! So cranky!" Gin teased. "Ya know what you need-"
"Gin." Aizen cut him off when he felt a pulse of reiatsu from the man beside him.
"I was just leavin'." Gin chirped as he turned to make his way out the oversized hall, sending a cheery wave over his shoulder for good measure.
xxxxxxx
"I'm bored." Nnoitra drawled as he kicked his feet up on the small table in front of him.
Harribel frowned, "You only just got here."
The Fifth scoffed and picked at something between his teeth. "Yeah 'en I might as well still not be 'ere seeing as the guy ain't here yet."
Harribel rolled her eyes and settled back in her chair, elbows folded across her small desk.
The room, usually used by Szayel or Gin in teaching strategy, or in the introduction of new technologies such as the Caja Negación, was now set out like a large classroom. 10 desks had been placed in perfect rows towards the front of the room, with deliberate extra space behind them where the fracción were expected to stand during the classes. At the front of the room was a plasma screen, a lecture podium and a small lap-top computer, complete with external microphone.
"What the fuck is this about anyway?" The Sixth Espada grouched, leaning forward on the desk which now proudly bore his name, freshly scratched into the surface of the wood. "It better not be some dumb tactical shit like last time."
Ulquiorra straightened, making a valiant attempt to ignore the pointless questions being thrown around by his colleagues. Fools. They were there because Aizen-sama ordered it so.
"As if we need ta plan for this shit." Grimmjow continued, despite the lack of response.
"Oh fuck!"
Silence fell throughout the room, and the Sixth Espada turned his attentions on Nnoitra.
"Fuckin Szayel ain't 'ere! That means this is gunna be one a his bull-shit talks!"
There was a collection of sighs and groans from the surrounding Espada.
"Fuck that." Grimmjow barked, roughly pushing his chair away from the desk. "I'm outta here."
Before he could step around his table the room was interrupted by a small round Arrancar- one of the Eighth Espada's fracción. The short Arrancar was pushing a trolley with two large objects on it, the objects completely undistinguishable beneath the thin white sheet.
The Ninth Espada, Aaroniero Arruruerie, had taken to projecting himself as Kaien Shiba- the lieutenant he had killed decades ago- and now twisted the Shinigami's dark features into a caricature of his own blatant confusion.
"Is that…" He squinted at the shapes, "Are those decapitated torsos?"
The room was filled with similar expressions and a few mumbled questions. Grimmjow flopped himself back down in his chair, a smirk playing at his lips. He didn't want to miss out on something that might include gore.
"Such a simple mind you have, Arruruerie." Szayel injected, walking into the room behind his servant. "If these were decapitated and therefore once living creatures, how would this sheet be unsoiled?" The pink-haired man closed his eyes, sliding his mask further up his nose in a patronizing gesture.
Before Aaroniero could retort, his attention was once again drawn to the large entry doors. Ichimaru strolled across the floor, wide grin set in place and a hint of excitement in his reiatsu- many of the lower level fracción positioned at the back of the room, recoiled in apprehension.
"Good afternoon class! I have a special treat fer ya today." Gin chirped; taking up his position behind the podium, with the familiar pointer lazily hanging from his hand. His face was alight with something disconcerting, unnervingly wicked- the power to make others squirm. And he would make them squirm. Oh how he had looked forward to tormenting them, and on Aizen's orders to boot!
The room had gone relatively quite, with half its occupants- the more respectable half- now sitting in quiet states of attention, and the other half scowling, but reluctantly intrigued. The First, however, had yet to raise his head, lying with his face on the desk, eyes closed and drool trailing down his chin.
Behind him, Gin could hear Szayel turn on the computer and plasma screen; the machines humming and buzzing to life. The silver-haired Shinigami glanced over his shoulder to see the power-point program loading on the large screen. He bounced the tip of his pointer stick in the palm of his opposite hand and turned back to his pupils, an evil grin splitting his face.
"Today I'll be talkin' about. Sex."
The sharp scrap of the first Espada's desk against the marble floor echoed throughout the room, his gray eyes now open and showing no signs of his previous slumber.
"What?" Aaroniero blurted incredulously, now leaning forward on his desk.
Gin's grin never faltered, "Yep! Today's class is," he turned dramatically to tap his pointer at the screen behind him where "Sex Ed. 101" was written in bold black text.
"Wait, wait, wait. What?" Nnoitra waved his hands in front of himself, his brows furrowed and a mocking smirk slowly curving one corner of his mouth.
"Did you not hear what Ichimaru-sama said? Or are you just too dense to understand?" The Fourth Espada interjected, in a cool, condescending tone.
"Oi ya lil' dip-shit. You might need ta take a fuckin' class on how ta fuck, but I sure a shit don't!" The Fifth Espada growled at his smaller comrade.
"This is ridiculous. At my age, I have more knowledge than any of you…" Barragan interrupted the squabble, raising from his seat to glare at the silver-haired Shinigami at the front of the room. "I'm sure I could teach you a few things, Ichimaru…"
"Marh, so temperamental. If you let me explain ya might all understand why I'm givin' this class." Gin's eyebrows rose in false innocence, but his voice darkened considerably. "tha', and it's under Aizen-taichou's orders."
Barragan glared at his Shinigami superior, before begrudgingly back in his seat. "Humph. This had better not take long."
"Now," Gin continued, inhabiting the role of a serious educator. "Some of you might have noticed some changes in your body and you may have begun experiencing new physical urges."
Gin was cut off when Grimmjow snorted loudly, his shoulders shaking with unbridled laughter, "Yeah, Ichimaru-sensei. I've started ta grow blue hair around me cock, ya wanna see it?"
His laughter was joined by a chuckle from the fifth Espada."Yeah sensei, I've been havin' the urge ta shove me dick down a particular Espada's throat…" Nnoitra leered in the third Espada's direction. He was seated behind her to the left, but she didn't have to look to know his gaze was on her.
Harribel rolled her eyes, "I think that's a discussion you should have with Jaegerjaquez privately, Nnoitra."
"Bitch!" Nnoitra shouted at the same time Grimmjow halted his laughter.
"What the fuck ya say?"
Before either Espada could stand, the room was washed with a heavy reiatsu. Gin turned to look at the entrance, smiling gleefully. "Arh, Kaname! You decide ta join the class after all!"
"Ichimaru, explain Aizen-sama's reasons for this class properly." Tousen stepped into the room and leaned his back against the wall closest to the door.
"I am here only to make sure you perform your duties correctly." His sightless gaze was fixed hauntingly on the smirking man behind the podium.
"Sure, sure. An educator is always happy ta have more students." Gin waved a dismissive hand in his direction before turning back to the class.
Kaname tensed but remained silent; he'd promised himself he wouldn't be drawn into the games of the impudent silver-haired, smartass, who was forever an affliction on his life. Breathe Kaname.
"So, when a man an a woman love each other very much-"
"Ichimaru!" Kaname ground his teeth and tried to control the tick in his covered eye.
"Geez, no sense o'humor at all." Gin sighed, before returning reluctantly to the task at hand. "Szayel if ya would." He sent a grin over his shoulder to the Eighth Espada who quickly moved to the computer and tapped the presentation onto the next slide.
The image that came up was one they had all seen before; it was a photographic cycle of the hollow evolution to the point of the Hogyoku transformation and changes that occur after that point, the only addition being a small animated cartoon of Ichimaru blowing love-heart kisses beside the image depicting the final "Arrancar" stage.
"As ya all know, after the Hogyoku transformation most of you remembered how ta get freaky-deaky." Ichimaru wiggled his eye-brows at the class and grinned at the now cackling Nnoitra. "An tha' is fine by us! Let me tell ya, some people could do with some more'a the old spank-en-cigar." The direction of Gin's grin left no question as to who he was referring to.
Grimmjow snorted, his canine-filled grin splitting his face. "So what's the fuckin' problem then?"
"My, very good question Grim-chan." Gin grinned and leant back against the lecture podium behind him. "Such a perceptive student ya are." The sixth bristled but remained silent.
"The problem is tha', wit the artificial seasons in Las Noches and yer new, more- frisky bodies, ya gonna be gettin' knocked-up." Gin smiled at the class, quite happy with his explanation.
…
"What?" Aaroniero leant forward on his desk, his dark eyebrows raised in a mixture of fear and confusion.
"Not you, you idiot. The female arrancar." Harribel rolled her eyes at the stupidity of the Ninth and couldn't help fearing that he wasn't the only male in the room who had jumped to that conclusion.
Aaroniero's artificial face blushed bright red, "That's not what he said!"
Kaname sighed and rubbed a hand over his glasses, "That is not the only problem. Perhaps you could explain, Szayel?"
The pink-haired Eighth Espada clicked on the computer screen again to bring up the next slide before stepping around the lecture podium to stand next to the now pouting Ichimaru.
"I have been studying the sexual patterns amongst the Arrancar within Las Noches and have noticed many changes within the recent weeks." Szayel pushed his mask further up the bridge of his nose and glanced over his shoulder to the screen now displaying two line-charts. "As you can clearly see, there has been a steady increase in both frequency of sexual behaviour and sexual hormone production over the past three weeks," Szayel used a laser-pointer to show the trend in the graphs he was referring to. "and it seems to be effecting the entire population, regardless of gender and power level-"
"Wait a fuckin' second!" Nnoitra cut off the pink-haired scientist, "How the fuck do you know that?"
Szayel sighed in frustration, feeling as though he was explaining something to a child. "I have many important studies surrounding an infinite number of things your puny mind could never comprehend, so it seems obvious that I would have measures in place to monitor all within and around the castle." Szayel turned to click the slide show on to the next set of images.
"Wha- No fuck ya! So ya mean ta tell me tha' you've been watchin us all fuck?" Nnoitra yelled and glanced around the room at the other Espada; why was he the only one who seemed concerned by this information?
Szayel blinked at him before turning his laser-pointer back to the large plasma screen. "So after noticing the trend I started comparing them to other trends in the environment in order to pinpoint a possible trigger for the changes."
Nnoitra simply gaped at the feminine man who had apparently chosen to ignore him, disbelief and what was most definitely not a blush covering his face.
Gin smiled wickedly down at the flailing dark-haired Espada, "Don' worry Nnoi-chan, Szayel's a doctor. He only reports back to Aizen-taichou," The silver-haired Shinigami leant forward as if to keep his words between them, the movement ineffective since he didn't bother to drop his voice. "…and yer secrets are safe with us."
Nnoitra's head snapped to his left to shoot daggers at Yammy who had burst into laughter. "My, I wouldn't laugh if I were you Yam, Nnoi-chan's private life 'as nothin' on yers." Gin raised his silver eyebrows at the lump of a man at the far side of the room. Yammy's laughter halted immediately and Nnoitra barked out a laugh before sitting back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest.
.
"As I was saying," Szayel cut in with a most exasperated sigh. "eventually I found that the changes were in direct correlation with the changes in the seasons we are currently experiencing. I should have guessed it straight away but sometimes the most obvious things are the most difficult to see."
A voice that had not yet been heard suddenly grabbed everyone's attention. "So what you're saying is that the females within Las Noches are coming into heat?" Starrk's lazy voice carried across the otherwise silent room.
"That was my initial conclusion, but the observations of hormonal changes in the male population show the same pending spike as the females, therefore I had to assume that the male population is having a form of proestrous cycle as well." Szayel changed to the next slide that showed a graph with an identical looking trend as the others and turned from his graphs to smirk at the class, "This conclusion was further confirmed by the identical increase in frequency of the sexual activity within male/male relationships." both Gin and Szayel sent their smirks in the directions of a few tense looking males around the room.
"So you're worried we're all going to turn into sex-crazed animals for a few weeks?" Starrk's question was on the tip of everyone's tongue- well those who were keeping up anyway.
"Not really," Gin took the question, "we're more worried 'bout the fact tha' all the gals'll get knocked up."
"Quite right." Szayel continued, "My further studies have shown that during the approaching season, the female Arrancar population will become fertile. This is a problem in itself; however I am able to give the female Arrancar an injection to temporally prohibit conception." Szayel had begun to flick through photos on the screen showing all the observations of his experiments; including images of copulation and the previously impossible pregnancy conformation.
.
The room went quite while the occupants tried to decipher what they had just been told. "So… why the fuck do us guys need ta be at this class?" Grimmjow raised an eyebrow at the pink-haired Espada.
"Good student ain'te." Gin grinned over at Szayel.
"So contraception is only a female concern?" Harribel fixed a glare at the blue-haired sixth.
"Oh fuck off, Harribel. He jus' said it was a good question." Grimmjow snapped back at the single female Espada.
"I'm afraid it is a good question Harribel dear." Szayel interjected, "It is the most poignant of all for it brings us to the other main issue for today." Szayel's flicked to the next slide and smirked at the chorus of reactions from the room.
"Woah!"
"Errh- shit."
"Ah fuckin' gross man!"
The new slide had two large images of what were clearly mutilated external male and female sexual organs. The areas were swollen, blistered and seemingly burnt and large sores wept with blood tainted, yellow fluid.
"You're fucked up Szayel, seriously man." Grimmjow's lip turned up in disgust.
Szayel smiled at his cringing audience, "I assure you this is not my doing," The pink haired Espada let his gaze sweep over each individual, "I'm afraid this is your doing..."
"Wha-"
"What the fuck, Grimmjow?" Aaroniero snapped at the gaping Sixth Espada.
Szayel chuckled at the heads that had snapped toward the blue haired Arrancar. " No I'm afraid the blame doesn't fall solely on Jaegerjaquez."
"You- no! I had nothin' ta do with that shit!" Grimmjow boomed, snarling at the pink haired Espada.
Gin stepped forward and sighed dramatically, though his expression was far from exasperated. No, this was even more fun than he had anticipated. "What Szayel's trying ta say is, that you are all ta blame..." He smirked at the confused looks of most of the attendance, "you naughty kiddies have been a bit lax with yer virtues."
Kaname once again found himself rubbing his forehead in frustration when the comment was met with a room full of furrowed brows- maybe he should have given the class?
Starrk tilted his head to the side; his quick mind putting together the missing puzzle pieces Ichimaru had left out of his explanations. "So this condition is transferred by sexual contact?"
Szayel smiled and clicked to the next slide, "That's right, Bacillus Hueco as I have named it, seems to be Hueco Mundo's first serious sexually transmitted disease, or- S.T.D." Szayel flicked his pink hair and pointed out the image that showed a high-powered microscopic view of the sampled disease. "The disease is bacterial based and seems to be transferred by sexual fluid exchanged between partners and the symptoms of Bacillus Hueco -as you can see- are most unpleasant. Blistering, sever rashes, swelling and if left untreated the bacterium begin to degrade the male sexual organ tissues." The pink-haired Espada grinned down at his silent audience, "It seems they begin to occur around two weeks after initial contact."
Grimmjow's stomach was turning violently, "Ya mean," The bluenette swallowed hard, "it eats ya dick away?" He shuddered and quickly found himself trying to recall who he had sex with in the past two weeks. Damn it. How was he supposed to remember shit like that, he didn't even know most of the bitches' names when he was fucking them, let alone remembering them now.
xxxxxx
Brown hair and a set of massive tits bounced in his face while another finer framed blonde woman sucked at his nipples, caressing every part of his toned body that she could reach. The blonde moved up to suck at his neck, licking her way up until she reached his ear and sucked the lobe into her hot mouth. At the same moment the brunette straddling him thrust down hard and rolled her hips, grinding down on him.
"Ngh, fuck." He groaned and closed his eyes, a huge grin forming on his panting mouth- it felt fucking amazing.
"Mnh, Grimmjow-sama." The brunette moaned loud and wanton.
Grimmjow thrust his hips up hard and laughed at the reaction he was granted, "Heh, ya like that doncha."
His attention was bought back to the blonde tormenting his neck when she whined close to his ear. Grimmjow's grin turned feral when he looked down to see the woman's hand between her own thighs. The blonde gasped when a battle roughened hand slid down her body and under her hand.
xxxxxx
The Sixth Espada was snapped from his thoughts when Harribel's voice interrupted the memory that was simultaneously turning him on and making a nervous sweat break out on his forehead. Fuck, if those weak sluts had given him this shit he would hunt them down and kill them in the most excruciating way possible.
"You said it degrades 'male' sexual organs?" Harribel raised one fine, blonde eyebrow.
"Yes I'm afraid for the gentlemen the bacteria are more aggressive. It seems the symptoms continue to progress at a steady rate while in the female subjects the body's own immune system kicks in after one week and symptoms retreat."
"What? That's not fair!" Aaroniero protested as if it were a decision Szayel had made.
"Well if it makes you feel any better, at present I have no treatment for the female subjects while there is an option for male subjects." Szayel's sinister grin was far from comforting.
"Ya just said it goes away by itself fer the bitches!" Nnoitra snapped.
"No, I said symptoms retreat, not that the disease is cured…" Szayel looked over his glasses at the class with a far too cheerful grin for Nnoitra's liking. Crazy bastard.
"The symptoms only remain withdrawn when the subject remains sexually inactive. They are still able to pass on the infection and the symptoms are quick to reoccur once sexual intercourse recommences."
"So for the women, at present the treatment is, abstinence?" Zommari, the Seventh Espada spoke for the first time. "Then, what is the treatment for the men?"
Szayel had the acute attention of every male in the room, each of them praying to what ever gods were listening that the therapy would be something straightforward and painless, a cream perhaps?
"It's actually quite a simple procedure and is a medical practice that goes back centuries in the human realm." Szayel turned to flick to the next slide and tried to control his smirk at the absolute silence behind him.
…
"Oh, hell no!" Grimmjow boomed and resisted the urge to cup his crutch.
"There's no fuckin' way yer getting' near my foreskin, ya sick fuck!" Nnoitra fought to get his words out without heaving at the graphic pictures showing the step my step procedure of an adult circumcision.
Harribel had to fight back a chuckle and restrain the smirk on her face. "Oh it's not so bad boys; at least you'll still be able to-"
"Breathe one more word and I swear I'ma rip yer tongue out, bitch." Nnoitra growled through his teeth.
"I think you are all forgetting something," Baraggan's grave voice bought Szayel's attention to the back of the room. "The answer is simple, just test everyone and kill whoever is infected?"
There was a chorus of agreement from the male Espada, before Gin smirked and drew everyone's attention back to him, "Ya think we don' already know who has been infected?" The silver-haired ex-Taichou's grin ran ear to ear, "Aizen-Taichou don' want half his army killed off when there are other options ya know."
"Half! Ya mean HALF of us have it?" Aaroniero's wide eyed expression was mirrored across the room.
xxxxxx
"Mmm, yeah like tha- shit." The woman straddling him backhanded him with a leather gloved hand.
"Quiet now." She scolded in a low voice.
Black hair flowed over her shoulders, not quite reaching her uncovered breasts, the mounds of flesh falling out of the black corset she was wearing. The leather covered dominatrix ran a short crop down his bare chest, teasing his nipples and hips. She laughed and smacked his flank when he shivered.
"Suck me dick." He growled and bucked under her, pulling at the restraints keeping him fixed to the bed.
"Ask me nicely…" The dark-haired woman husked.
"Fuckin' do it!" His body jolted when the riding crop cracked hard on his right nipple, once, twice, three times. "Shi- ungh" The dark-haired Espada groaned; the torture was delicious especially when the devil above him was now grinding her pelvis down against his erection.
"Mmnh"
"Ask me nicely…" She leant down to whisper in his ear before biting hard into his neck, she would never break his hierro with her teeth, but it still sent a shot of heat through his veins.
"P-please…" His whisper trembled.
The dark-haired woman laughed and ground herself down onto him once more, "Of course, whatever you wish, Nnoitra-sama."
xxxxxx
Nnoitra growled and clenched his jaw; kami help the bitches he had fucked if he had this thing, he wouldn't be bothering to find out which one it was either, they'd all be dead within an hour.
"So how do we stop the spread, especially considering particular individuals are not able to control themselves even without the hormonal influence of the pending season?" Ulquiorra tilted his head in question.
Szayel blushed and a slight scowl pulled at his brow, "Well, I could not find a chemical treatment that would inhibit the hormonal changes, so I was in the midst of creating something physical that-"
"Well, that's when I stepped in and told 'im that I was waay ahead a him." Gin's grin was in danger of splitting his face in two as he cut off the pink-haired, self-proclaimed genius.
"Seein' as all of your conscious memories from when ya were alive are centuries old, none of ya would know wha' this is." Gin slid a hand inside his sleeve and pulled out a small and perfectly square package.
.
A/N
So, what do ya think? My sister says I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny .
You can probably see now why I am able to put whoever I want together :) Next chapter is a bit more angsty, it's going to be a bit up and down in that way. Funny-angsty-smutty-evil- and back again.
After hearing what the boys in Las Noches really do in their spare time, who else wants to be a time killer arrancar in Las Noches? **raises hand**